The Barrister and The Wild Card
You are about to get tag-teamed. …
No, not that kind of tag-teamed, perv. There will be no trips to the Eiffel Tower today, though you can still parlez vous my balls.
Barrister in blue. Wild Card, who will start us off, in red.
Wild Card: Alright. Let’s get a few things out of the way before we kick off this hot little spitfire. I’m a Stevie Johnson FAN. I mean, I celebrate his whole collection. We go pretty far back, me and Stevie. I distinctly remember a trip to St John Fisher his rookie year wherein I forgot the free tickets, and so incensed was the person driving that he turned the car around circa the 490. After a venomous rant, followed by a heartfelt apology, I convinced him to turn the car back around circa Batavia, and we proceeded to go to the ticket office (folding table) and ask the attendant (some fuckin intern or some shit) “hey I left the tickets at home, but come oooonn, right?!” and in true form that fuckin intern or some shit provided us with four tickets to training camp. This trip down memory lane is brought to you by Keystone Light; the tall boys of which I was still drinking at this point of my life, and it coincided with SJ13’s rookie year. That day, I saw Stevie at training camp and watching him run a few routes and catch a few balls was enough for me: he was my newest in a long line of long-shot Wide Receivers that I would root for every year. (See: Armour, Justin; Roosevelt, Naaman). But something happened for the first time ever with Stevie: HE ACTUALLY FUCKIN MADE IT!! I GOT TO BUY HIS JERSEY AND EVERYTHING!!
Why was the opening paragraph necessary? It wasn’t. I guess I just want to disclaim that he really is my favorite fucking player and I’ll defend him no matter what he does right or wrong. That being said, I firmly believe that he rarely does anything wrong. This time is no different.
But moving on…. the news.
So Stevie Johnson was in a picture that was ultimately posted by the Buffalo Bills to celebrate his birthday. He was in a shirt that said “USS Fuhkmore."
Yes, they lost last night. You could point the finger at a number of causes. The “core” forwards are playing like they’d rather be out on Chippewa than in an NHL Playoff game. The young guns are looking more and more overmatched. Tony Lydman doesn’t understand the concept of NHL Hockey. Deep down, as fans, we all knew these issues would rear their ugly head at some point this postseason. Of course, it would be nicer if they'd lie dormant until the second or third round (or never). These and several other points may eventually add up to a sum equaling a loss, but that’s not the issue we have over here at DGWU sports. The issue I have is how the FUCK is this guy still walking around with a smile on his face?!?
Bruins ROOKIE Defenseman Jonny Fucking Boychuk. This guy has laid the hammer down all series on several skilled and not so skilled Sabre forwards. That’s fine. It’s his job. The problem is, he’s allowed to do a fantastic job. I can understand the Sabres being a skill/finesse team, as much as they don’t ever live up to that moniker (skill teams score), but you would at least expect a modicum of revenge for the Vanek hit. But then to come out and lay the lumber down AGAIN, this time on Matt Ellis…..it’s too much. Yes, it was a tight game. Yes it was a tight PLAYOFF game. Yes, the Sabres needed every advantage they could get. But COME THE FUCK ON, LINDY. Let somebody loose out there on him!! It’s not like you don’t have at least one weapon on the bench who can put in that kind of work.
On the long train ride back from the bar, The Apologist (as he tends to do) made excuses for not unleashing some sort of beast on the Bruins. They included no unnecessary power plays, the need for 5 on 5 hockey, can’t take key players out of the game. I understand, but here’s my counterpoint: THESE GUYS NEED TO WAKE THE FUCK UP. A well timed douching of Marco Sturm or Patrice Bergeron would have been nice from Kaleta. Yes, they had that boomtown hit on a Bruin who I couldn’t see by a Sabre I couldn’t see (it was on Versus in a bar, so you can imagine how easy it is to see who did what…..I think Jaffe was talking about his love of haircuts at that point), and that’s an awesome start! Three or four more like that and maybe we start focusing a little bit better. Instead, we got the NHL version of a Screech vs. Unnamed Bayside Nerd fight.
I understand we’re never going to be the Flyers….but Jesus, can we at least be the Sabres?? Drew Stafford, Paul Gaustad, even (gasp!) Tyler Myers……USE YOUR SIZE. We won game 1 because the Sabres decided to hit….and hit hard. You can’t just do that for one game and sit on your laurels. It’s a long post-season, and the teams that play golf in April and May are the ones who fall back to January hockey the quickest. They played out of character for exactly one game. They need to do that again if they have any shot of coming out of Boston with some hope. Playing out of character….I’m pretty sure that’s what this was:
Prediction: if they don’t come out swinging next game, Bruins in Five. Ugly. Celebrating on Home Ice. And we all remember how that feels.