She needs to be the new *official* mascot.
So with nothing else to do and my two favorite sports teams months away form playing again, I decided to jump into baseball mode. Up until this point I have been mostly ignoring the Cubs. Back on April 1st I explained why I wasn't feeling baseball this year
, but after all, these are my lovable *cough cough* Cubbies. I have to admit, despite my early hate, I think this happens every season and I never notice it. By mid-July, I have attended several Mets and Yankees games, drank at two different Cubs bars, and am examining the box scores in detail every single morning. I love sports, and if baseball is all that is left to me during the summer months, then the obsession picks up. Of course by September when Chicago has been eliminated from playoff contention, all focus goes back to football and hockey. But at least I can admit to it. So without further ado, I bring you what went down Wednesday night.
Is there really anything better than a warm man-hug?
8:00 Girlfriend is working late and I’m planted on the couch with a Left Hand Stout. Let the game begin. Early stories are the domination of Lance Berkman, Starlin Castro, and Pujols hug-gate.
8:02 Holy shit. Castro speaks NO English. The guy interviewing him is both the interviewer and translater. This is amazing! Why did I not know ESPN does this. Mind-blowing! Still not sure what I just witnessed
8:03 Commercial break already. Seriously, Fuck ESPN. At least I can get my coffee maker ready for the morning.
8:07 Fan shown with Cubbie tattoo on his chest. Kill yourself dude. But first kill future trade bait Matt Garza.
8:09 Tony LaRussa still has Shingles. But he is safely tweeting so thank God for that.
Aaaaaaand Ryan Theriot leads off for the Cardinals. If he is batting over .300, I’m going to chug my beer. 8:12
Off the hook, batting .279. That bitch talked shit about the Cubs after getting traded to Cardinals. Strikes out! Boom! 8:13
Two outs and up comes future Cub Albert Pujols. He hugged the GM, of course he will be a Cub next year. HE HUGGED THE GM!!!! 8:15
As ESPN keeps playing up hug-gate (did I mention fuck ESPN?), he flies out to center. Hug it out Albie.8:16
COMMERCIAL!!!! X—Men: First Class looks kinda bad-ass
Cubs first at bat. I bet Fukudome flies out. He does. 8:20
2nd best Cub name behind Starlan Castro comes up. Mr. Darwin Barney folks. And he grounds out for the second out before announcers can even show the Cardinals defensive lineup. Cubbie tattoo guy needs to kill me too. 8:21
Just noticed girlfriend sent a text at 7:50 saying she will be home within an hour. Not working late after all. She may not be thrilled with my plans.
The Scizzette is PISSED. Just joking, she's awesome.
Never disliked Lance Berkman. Then he joined the Cards and started playing like himself circa 2001
. Full Count. 8:28
Fly out to left as they go to the studio for Curtis Granderson’s league-leading 12th homer. “But wait for the next homerun from Yankee stadium we show you!” Oh no, don’t make me wait. Already forgot as Garza gets K #3. PROVE ME WRONG BIG GUY!!!!! 8:31
Just realized how bad I’m milking this beer. Girlfriend text really having an effect on me. 8:33
First hit of the night as Aramis Ramirez knocks a single to center/left. Here come the 10 millions dollar man Carlos Pena. Ew. 8:37
Pena walks to put two men on for Starlin. NO HABLO INGLES!!! 8:39
Shot up the middle off of Westbrook’s glove bloops to center. Ramirez thrown out at home despite maybe the ugliest toss from center I have ever seen. I think someone needs to talk to Dan Marino about weight watchers, Aramis. 8:44
“That’s a big time Squander by the Chicago Cubs”. Thanks Dave O’Brien. No runs this inning. Time for another beer.
8:53 Men on 2nd and 3rd with one out. Here is the Garza I know!
8:55 A “nubber” off of bare-handed Garza. Therior gets an RBI. Terrific.
8:57 WOW! Pena actually impresses me with a great catch on a line drive. Two men stranded and the Cubs get away only down one run. Not bad I guess.
8:58 While I have a moment, let me play tribute to our color-man for the evening. NOOOOOOMAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!! GIMME A COUPLA TAAAAAAAH BOOOOOOYS!!!! Alright I’m done.
9:00 WTF?!? Back from commercial and it is an absolute downpour in Wrigley. Like end of the world rain. Coincidence that this happened as the girlfriend walked in the door? Eerie.
9:01 ESPN heads to Toronto for bonus coverage of the Red Sox and Blue Jays. I think not. Time to check out the IIHF World Championships on Versus.
9:03 Czech Republic is up on Team USA 1 – 0 after a goal by…Jaromir Jagr??? Really?
9:04 And a penalty on the US by Van Riemsdyk. Sound familiar? No, because the refs didn’t call it enough when we saw him last!
9:06 Ty Conklin is in goal for Team USA. Let me type that again; Ty Conklin is in goal for Team USA. Time to check on the Cubs game.
9:09 Fantastic. Now it’s giant douche-bag Michael Kay and the Yankees/Royals game. I have YES for every Yankee game and ESPN puts this on. Baby Punching time…..and my next beer.
9:13 Starting to think this was a bad idea. Back to the hockey game and it appears Jagr scored his second goal to make it 2 – 0 Czechs.
9:16 Back to Yankees/Royals and Michael Kay is plugging Center Stage with Rex Ryan. Holy fuck cakes can it get worse?
9:17 I can hear the girlfriend watching old episodes of 30 Rock in the bedroom and I’m getting jealous.
9:20 At least the pitcher’s name on Kansas City is Adcock. It made me giggle. Then I thought of the Beastie Boys. I have issues.
9:25 Losing patience. Michael Kay is terrible, Patrick Elias just had two consecutive turnovers, and my allergies are causing me breathing issues.
9:35 Check into Miami/Boston game in time to see Lebron celebrating. How does it feel to financially cripple an entire city dick-hole? I’m getting angrier by the second. Time to check in with the Cubs.
9:37 Still no game. Rain continues and this experiment is an EPIC FAIL. I’ll DVR ESPN for the next 4 hours and check the game after work tomorrow. Addendum? Possibly
Thursday morning 6:07 AM Couldn’t wait until after work so I check the box scores. 11 – 4 Cubs wins. Starlin gets nasty with a 4 for 4 night and Garza goes for five solid innings. However, if I continued to watch, they would have lost 17 – 3. So it works out.
Thursday morning 6:11 AM Turns out they started playing 13 minutes after I retreated to the bedroom. Damnit, I suck. Oh well, maybe next time I can do this for a whole game and destroy my liver even more. GO CUBBIES!!!!!
Thursday morning 6:15 AM If you have not seen the video below, please do yourself a favor and watch this incredible interview. Just make sure your not drinking anything. I did a legitimate spit-take after the "hot guys that are like up for anything" line. Sadly it isn't real and only a local sketch comedy actress, but somehow that may make it even funnier because I'm not sure the interviewer is in on it, or not.