The Barrister


I am making a pact to not spend more than twenty minutes on putting this quick ragestorm of a post together because, honestly, the Buffalo Bills can go die in a fire for all I care. (Not really please don't move the team I love them inexplicably oh God)

This morning, our 5-7 Buffalo Bills were given a gift. Russel Salvatore, WNY Meat King, agreed to purchase all remaining tickets for the Bills' remaining home games. Apparently, after just one blackout this season, Bills fans are getting bailed out of having to find illegal streams online or listen on the radio or ignore altogether, and the Bills are being bailed out of an ongoing PR nightmare - having to answer questions about ticket sales and TV blackouts without discussing, too much, the underachieving and disappointing team of elephants in the room.

Everybody wins! 

Except, of course, on most weeks, the Buffalo Bills.

Let me preface my anger on this point by expressing good feelings for Mr. Salvatore, though his good deed does little to impact my life living outside of WNY's blackout zone. And, to the extent that these extra tickets are given away and a few thousand people that otherwise would have stayed home make it to the game, I have no gripe.

Nevertheless, the fact that this even has to be done is, and should be, an embarrassment. Yet, those Buffalo Bills are apparently the poorly wrapped and overpriced gift that keeps on giving.

The Barrister

Ah the bye week. The time to appreciate a break from the often frustrating squad we've been saddled with for these many years, to watch football with few rooting interests, and to perhaps forget about football altogether when life takes precedence as it so often does, whether in big ways or small. 

This week was certainly no different. 

But now that we're back to thinking about this underachieving and tragically coached Bills team, as it matches up against a hilariously superior Houston Texans squad, it's tough to find much of anything to be positive about. Perhaps the only real reason to be excited about this game is as a welcome opportunity to step away from the enormous and ongoing impact of a crazy as shit storm. Seems a good enough reason to me.

Scizz is taking a much needed break after his hell-ish week, and I'm luckily drunk enough to think I can fill his shoes, having sucked down a few Buffalo Lagers.  Those lagers, unsurprisingly, assisting me in my belief that the Bills actually have a shot to win this game, or - put more accurately - my willingness to at least latch onto the infinitesimally small shot the Bills' actually have to win and cheer with a detached relationship with rational thought.  

I would describe this as the "beers equal delightful sports fantasyland" paradigm.  It's a working title.

Moving on to our feature presentation...

The Barrister

If you’re a sports fan, weekends can be a magical/utterly depressing time as you get to enjoy/loathe your teams without the burdens of work (presumably), only to have Monday come around with your outlook on the week unreasonably shaped by how things played out. When the Bills beat the Pats last September, work was great, if very hungover, on Monday morning. Anything seemed possible. On the other hand, when the Sabres drop a back-to-back against the Leafs over a weekend (I’m sure it’s happened at some point, probably several times), Monday feels like garbage. Everything is lost.

Living in New York City helps with this a bit, since I can blend in with the plebeian masses and keep my more hideous sports allegiances hidden for a few days if need be. But, pathetic, emotionally-wrecked mess of a human that I am, I tend to wallow a little.

This weekend was a mixed bag, with the Mets winning a pair, the Bills looking like a hot turd sandwich with a side of miscommunicated routes, and both Liverpool and the Red Bulls leaving two points on the pitch with depressing draws. All of which is to say that I’ve certainly felt worse on a Monday, but, as you'll see after the jump, I still don’t feel at all close to good.

The Barrister, feat. Scizz, Outlander and the Apologist

Shawne Merriman. No longer a Buffalo Bill.

Coming off a long and tiring weekend of prep for the birth of my child, I was considering penning a piece on fatherhood and sports and my anxiety level and my fear of becoming a shell of my former self once the sleep deprivation hits. I may still get into that at some point before or soon after Baby Barrister makes his way into the world, but not today.

Ripping on a has-been/maybe-never-would-have-been-without-the-juice and the similarly has-been/maybe-never-would-have-been-without-the-Juice-or-Jimbo team that employed him is way more fun. See what I did there? It’s only Monday and I’m already bringing the awesome.

Science made Merriman a great player. And science probably should have told One Bills Drive that Merriman couldn’t be a great player after being robbed of his special sauce and the behemoth abilities it brought him. Steroids help with recovery time, avoiding injuries, getting unreasonably huge. Without them, Merriman showed himself to be incapable of keeping up with the game. His “Lights Out” dances seem delightfully quaint now, like a high school player celebrating his dominance against a ten year old kid half his size. You didn’t earn it, Shawne, and you couldn’t hack it when the playing field was leveled. The Bills, for their part, look not just a little bit like they're wiping a $3 million egg off their face. Ugh.

The Scizz

Earlier this week, I was about to post my second installment of the in-depth profiles of the Buffalo Bills un-drafted free agents, when I received a text from the Bills saying they released the subject of the post, Richmond QB Aaron Corp. I was going to scrap the whole thing and put up a detailed look into another player, but since we have no real accountability on this god-forsaken blog, I decided to put up the Corp one anyways. Besides, undrafted FA's are known to be brought back periodically to the practice squad if injuries erupt on the team. And, with Vince Young and his crazy ass ways on the roster, the Bills need access to all the back-up QB's possible. So here is the second entry in "Long Road to the Practice Squad", QB Aaron Corp! Kudos to @Boner_Shorts for the new title idea.

(Note: 98% of this profile is completely fabricated and in no way accurate. If you didn't pick up on that, then Tommy will come back there and hit you on the head with a tack hammer.)

Position: Quarterback

College: Richmond

High School: Academy for the Mediocre (Kansas City, Mo)

Strengths: Big arm, pocket presence, not afraid of failure, great knowledge of Richmond restaurant scene, played at USC

Weaknesses: Playing Quarterback, easily startled, terrified of success, Played at Richmond

Reason for Transfer from USC to Richmond: Refused to take money, hookers, and blow from boosters. Also, an overwhelming desire to be average.

Goals: "To make it the NFL and abruptly leave to play 3rd string QB for the Hamilton Tiger-Cats."

On-field accomplishments: Playing at USC

Off-field accomplishment: None

Favorite musical artists: Pete Best and Stuart Sutcliffe

Favorite movies: Spider-Man 3, Beverly Hills Cop 3, The Godfather: Part 3, & John Carter

Off-field activities/hobbies: Playing his Sega Saturn, collecting football cards of career back-ups, turning down 10's in order to date 3's.

Romantic Crush: Ann Veal

Favorite Buffalo Bills moment: The entire 2001 season

Favorite Sports Teams: The Hartford Whalers, Los Angeles Rams, & Flint Tropics

Favorite Players: Tood Collins, David Carr, Raghib Ismail

Most embarrassing moment: Five touchdown, 400 yard game against Louisiana Tech. All those questions in the presser afterwards made him uncomfortable.

Most looking forward to....: Getting begged for retweets from members of the Bills Mafia

"Long Road to the Practice Squad" number two is in the books! What book that is, I have no idea and should probably be burned, immediately. Check back next week for another. LEARNING!

Follow me @TheScizz and DM me pics of your left forearm. HOT.