GET IT!? CUZ BIG BEN IS RAPEY!! #class
I can’t help thinking this is the most confident Bills fans have been with a losing record since #12 lined up under center. We’re all leery about feeling this way, but the fact of the matter is, against all logic and evidence, this season truly does feel different.
Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that the entire league feels different. Peyton Manning & Wes Welker are teammates… in Denver. Rex Ryan has turned a buttfumble into a contract extension. The Patriots are beatable. The Chiefs are undefeated. The Raiders have a better record than the Giants AND the Steelers. And, hey, wait a second. So do we!
The Bills have remained competitive and even exciting with a depleted secondary, their best offensive weapon slowed by injury, and three different starting quarterbacks in the last five games. You have to tip your hat to Doug Marrone and his coaching staff. Sure, there have been questionable decisions made and somehow, 9 games in, he’s yet to win a challenge. But the attitude on the field feels different. Take the pick-6 on the goalline from last weekend. I’m not going to excuse it, but I will say that I love the guts of telling your untested, undrafted quarterback to make a hard throw in that situation. Sure, it walks the fine line between brave and foolish, but let’s be honest with each other. It was easier to get over a gutsy call on the 3rd & goal, than it would’ve been to watch another “try not to lose” approach we’ve seen over the last decade (3 straight runs for no gain and a field goal = Dick Jauron’s wet dream). And more importantly than all that is that he’s got the players believing in his plan. All you have to do is look at that same play. Tuel & Graham chased Sean Smith the entire length of the field knowing full well neither would catch him and all they were really accomplishing was tiring themselves out for the ensuing drive. But they weren’t going to give up on the play. No excuses. No quit. That’s the attitude Marrone has instilled so far. (His reaction to the play: “Situationally do you question the play call? No … Do you question the execution of it? Yes.”)
It’s far too soon to say whether or not this will translate to future success, but you can’t help feeling like little by little, the culture and expectation of failure that has been the foundation of this franchise for almost two decades is finally being chipped away and a new one is being built.
That may have been overstated.
It's Saturday night, the Bills still haven't named a starting QB for tomorrow, and in about eleven hours they're playing the sole remaining undefeated team in the National Football League. Some miracle ass shit will have to go down for events to combine into a Buffalo victory, so that's what we're going to hope for. An against all odds win pulled from the depths of asses throughout Ralph Wilson Stadium. Bring lube.
If this is going to happen, it will be equal parts ridiculous, painful and beautiful.
From where I sit, on a throne of bedazzled hyperbole, the Chiefs have to lose. Articles about how stupid lucky they are to be 8-0 have been frequent this week, the consensus being that Kansas City has had an incredibly easy schedule etc etc... the kinds of rationalizations that play ever-so-well into the psyche of a Buffalo Bills fan base eager to count their chickens before natural selection even establishes what a chicken the fuck is. America wants the Bills to win to right some assumed wrong in the football universe. So, whadya say, Bills? Get it.
Mind you, again, none of this is really possible. Miracles, man. They give no shits.
Scizz usually does these. I'm filling in again because the asshole is traveling out to Happy Valley to watch the Nittany Lions get eaten alive by the eminently more powerful Wolverines. We hope he has fun and drinks as much as is humanly possible and doesn't start picking fights with strangers. Oh to dream.
The Buffalo Bills are a car and we fans are a giant, hairy beast that got hit by the car and taken into captivity only to be tricked into loving it there despite the fact that he had complete freedom before being run over and was probably fucking mad hairy beetches in the woods.
The Buffalo Bills are the hairy beast, living blissfully in the forest until the NFL drives into it, ceasing the beast's existence in the naive world of the woods, replacing said existence with the harsh reality of (1) people knowing it exists, (2) people knowing it's head would look good stuffed and mounted on a wall, and (3) people wanting to shoot it in the kidneys (does Harry have kidneys?) at the earliest possible moment. In this scenario, we are the Hendersons, except the only way we know to protect the beast is with some stupid fucking hashtags like #TheLegendOfKikoAlonso, #RockTheRalph, #LeadTheCharge or some other such bullshit.
And the role of John Lithgow's character in this morality play goes to The Outlander because of the hair thing.
These Bills went from "ok, let's go" to "Jesus H. this is not good, let's go home" in the blink of an EJ Manuel trying to get an extra couple yards and being a big fucking idiot. This subject has not been discussed enough. You make us love you, Erik James, and then you prove to be a stupid kid. I know you're a kid, but I really don't care. That was unavoidably asinine. Step out of bounds, you prick. Because of you I can't justify going to bars for games anymore this season and soon I'll probably have to go shopping with my wife on Sundays since she'll inevitably use her crazy lady mind powers to discover what I already know... this season is a goddamned waste.
Good old Scizz has called in "pissed at this fucking team and pretty burnt out by life" this week so I'm handling this. Oh joy of joys, the task of previewing a game the Bills are sure to lose the week after they got worked by a pretty mediocre Jets team and made my eyes bleed live and in stunning technicolor.
Putting predictable letdowns at fucking MetLife Stadium aside, and before I go on to the hastily put together bullet points and hapless soundtrack recommendations, it must be mentioned that Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle is a fucking masterpiece. Stoner movie stereotypes aside - and, let's be real, if you can't enjoy a good "oh man I'm so high" joke, get over yourself narc - man, that flick is genius. This film was my beloved companion during the year after college when I was selling vacuum cleaners badly and substitute teaching pretty ok and accidentally nailing the LSATs getting into law school. Every time I watched it, I would be reminded around the 12th minute of all the hilarious, random moments yet to come and laugh my ass off at how chock full of beauty the movie is. As for the big picture impact, this is the movie that sparked Neil Patrick Harris's return to show biz (sort of made up fact?), so everyone should love it always since now we get NPH hosting awards shows and doing dance bits and it's goddammed rad.
Back to the Bills!!!!!
During the 2013 Buffalo Bills season, the Scizz will be writing weekly game previews that will ruin your entire weekend. The last two seasons saw him using quotes from The Big Lebowski and Super Troopers to convey his feelings for this crapfire of a franchise. This year he'll be choosing quotes from many of his favorite films to get the point across. As always, it's 25% football, 70% useless garbage, and 5% luchador gambling picks. Here we go.....
First and foremost, go here and buy a shirt for #SupportSally
if you haven't already. In fact, even if you have go buy another one. The support we have seen from Buffalo and the blog/twitter/facebook universe has been incredible. Keep it up. On to the foosball.
Where do you even begin with this offseason? My mood towards this team has changed so many times I can't even remember if I was excited after the draft or was certain of a 2 - 14 season. The good? The Bills are rid of the football herpes known as Chan Gailey & Buddy Nix. They hired young, motivated coaches in Doug Marrone, Nate Hackett, and Mike Pettine. They confidently reached at the draft for a future QB1 in E.J. Manuel. The bad? Potential shutdown corner Stephon Gilmore is out 6-8 weeks for an already thin CB squad, Jarius Byrd appears to hate the idea of being anywhere near Buffalo, and although E.J. Manuel appears to be healthy, the QB situation over the last couple weeks looks like something out of shitty ABC family T.V. movie.
But you know what? I'm sitting on the Yachtsman's couch in Buffalo right now, we're going to the game Sunday, and dammit all football is back. So similar to what my fictional idol Peter Venkman says in a time of fear, uncertainty, and almost certain death, "I love this team! I'm excited to be a fan! Let's do it!"
After the jump I ramble some more
no chance this is the actual screenshot of that line, mind you
Ah the bye week. The time to appreciate a break from the often frustrating squad we've been saddled with for these many years, to watch football with few rooting interests, and to perhaps forget about football altogether when life takes precedence as it so often does, whether in big ways or small.
This week was certainly no different.
But now that we're back to thinking about this underachieving and tragically coached Bills team, as it matches up against a hilariously superior Houston Texans squad, it's tough to find much of anything to be positive about. Perhaps the only real reason to be excited about this game is as a welcome opportunity to step away from the enormous and ongoing impact of a crazy as shit storm. Seems a good enough reason to me.
Scizz is taking a much needed break after his hell-ish week, and I'm luckily drunk enough to think I can fill his shoes, having sucked down a few Buffalo Lagers. Those lagers, unsurprisingly, assisting me in my belief that the Bills actually have a shot to win this game, or - put more accurately - my willingness to at least latch onto the infinitesimally small shot the Bills' actually have to win and cheer with a detached relationship with rational thought.
I would describe this as the "beers equal delightful sports fantasyland" paradigm. It's a working title.
Moving on to our feature presentation...
Welcome to my Buffalo Bills, week 4 preview. I will briefly break down this so-called "trap game" against the Bengals, AND provide you with some great Buffalo Bills blog links (not just to everything on the Bills website that Chris Brown writes, or the TBN and WGR crapfest), but first, as the Big Lebowski quote that titles this post foreshadows, I have something to get off my chest. Bengals Head Coach Marvin Lewis Guaranteed a win over our beloved Buffalo Bills this week
. That's right, he thinks his criminally filled, 1 - 2 Bengals are going to be at .500 at the end of the day on Sunday. I'm not going to sit here and start preaching about how the Buffalo Bills are the best team in the NFL and that nobody can compete with them, but what I am going to do is tell Marvin Lewis to shut the fuck up. Guarantee a win in week 4 against a team clearly superior to you? Really? REALLY?
Andy Dalton and the new Bengals offense has looked fairly solid thus far, but to make a bold statement like that is just mind-numbingly stupid. I HATE when players and coaches guarantee victories. Why? Because everybody does it now. There is no longer any meaning or repercussions to making these absurd promises. Several years ago, the guarantee meant something. It rarely happened, and when it did, it was a player that, nine times out of ten, could back up the talk. Now, it seems like every week, some over-aged wide receiver, back-up linebacker, or Rex Ryan are guaranteeing victories and championships, because the media just ignores it the following week and there is no "real" accountability. So what if they are wrong? They just say "oh well" and move on to their next idiotic plea for attention. However, when they are correct in their guarantee, they look like a like a real team leader that motivated the team to victory. BULLSHIT. Shut the fuck up and do your job. If you win, congrats. If you lose, move on and work harder. Goodell needs to start suspending the douche-nozzles that make these "bold" predictions that don't come true. Otherwise, fat assholes like Rex Ryan will keep guaranteeing a Super Bowl win because his dumb ass bandwagoning fans will believe everything he says. These are your average fans that honestly know little to nothing about the actually franchise. So in closing to this part of the preview, could the Bengals beat the Bills this week? Absolutely. But, guaranteeing that it is definitely going to happen just shows how far Marvin Lewis has fallen. A once highly touted coach is hanging on for dear life, and pulling out every lame trick in the book to hold on to his shitty job.
Join me after the jump for the rest of the week 4 "preview".