I know I write on a blog that knocks its boots to a tune of crass humor, dick jokes and calling Buffalo media members all sorts of defamatory names (except those names are all true, hence no defamation! ZING), but man oh man even I draw the line somewhere. Like, for instance, terrible puns that make light of real world shitty things. The kinds of puns that you find on the front or back pages of the New York "we're owned by a criminal wiretapping parent corporation and have absolutely no standards when it comes to integrity, law, morals, ethics, hygiene (see Brooks, Larry) or credibility" Post. The kinds of puns that make reasonable-thinking people cringe at the poor humor of it, not to mention that complete lack of sensitivity to the personal impact that some news stories can have on the subjects of said stories.
Like, for instance, the pun used in a screen graphic by Jonah Javad, a WGRZ sports anchor, to describe the latest news about Mario Williams' alleged struggles with suicidal thoughts and pills.
Listen, I get that this story started with news of Williams' engagement being broken off by his ex-fiancee, and that Williams was suing her for return of the ring, and that hahahahaha that's so funny because basically no millionaire athlete is ever supposed to exercise his legal rights when it comes to money because FUCK HIM HE'S RICH. TMZ had a laugh at it, I got into a spat with one of Bomani Jones' twitter followers
over the legality of conditional gifts like engagement rings and the whole thing seemed a pretty silly thing generally.
Then Mario's ex comes out with details about how he had said she could keep the ring and how the lawsuit was meant to harass her, so she counter-claims in the lawsuit and we all scratch our heads about "oh man, Mario may be an idiot lulzzzzz." But then, unexpectedly, she mentions the text messages, and the depression, and how he was talking suicide and pills and suddenly the shit isn't at all funny anymore. It's entirely too real, too serious to be funny.
And then, shortly thereafter, as if he was reporting on a last second touchdown or a player being cut or a coach being hired, Jonah Javad decides that a motherfucking pun is a good idea.
Not only are puns stupid about 80% of the time even when they're about meaningless shit like hockey games (I'm looking at you NHL dot com
), but they're downright callous when they're used to talk about real shit.
I get that, as you see above, Mr. Javad has gone on twitter to issue apologies about his intent and how he didn't mean to make light of Williams' drug use, but that he meant stupor as in "dazed." But, wait... So, in other words, Javad wasn't poking fun - because that's what a pun does, after all; if pokes fun - at the alleged use of pills, he was poking fun at Williams' more general mental state. He wasn't making a joke about, perhaps, an attempt at suicide, but really just at the depression - the daze, I guess - that led to the attempt?
Cool, because that totally doesn't contribute to the outstandingly unfair and prejudicial way that we think about mental illness in our society.
I absolutely understand that the sports media in this country, and in particular my beloved hometown, is more often than not ill-equipped to deal with the complex issues surrounding mental hygiene, particularly where the ideal of American athletes is centered on mental fortitude and any deficiencies therein are signs only of weakness. Which is why, when reporting - as they should - on the inevitable instances where the issues of mental illness and sport overlap (increasingly so with the traumatic brain injuries prevalent in football), the same bullshit shtick that can work for sports suddenly does not work anymore.
As many explanations and apologies as Mr. Javad wants to throw out, fine. I don't doubt he's an incredibly decent guy. But this shit is really inexcusable. It has to be better than this.
These 4-picture collages are quickly becoming my thing. And that title was literally the last thing I wrote. I didn’t even mean it to rhyme. Until I included fuck you. Then needed something to rhyme with it.
ANYWAYS… Don’t get me wrong - I loves me some mock drafts. But let’s face it - it’s a crap shoot and nobody knows a fuck about fuckin’ nothin’. But I wonder who knows the least nothing... rrr most nothing... -achm- I wonder who sucks the most at it?!
Well, in the words of that creepy owl from the Tootsie Pop commercials, LEEEET’S FIIIIIND OOOUUUT!
I employ a grizzly monster the Westerners call “statistics.” It’s actually really great. You just throw some numbers together and then when the simpletons disagree with you, you just say “hey, the numbers never lie.” They get red in the face and say something like “whatever, I mean, I just feel like...” and then you laugh inside a deep, bellowing laugh that echoes across your inner kingdom because you know you’ve won. So finish your 168x IPA kick off your oxfords, and throw on an episode of Workaholics because you’re a nasty prick and that’s what nasty pricks seem to like these days.
Whoa, what the hell happened? Oh yeah, I was going to write about sports. Anyway, so here’s what I did: I basically just compared where each mocker had each player going with where the player actually went for 2012. And I figured, while I was at it, I could see which positions they sucked the most at projecting. And what teams reached the most for players! And maybe some other nerdy shit!!!
But before I get into the numbers, I think a furious monologue is in order:
Dear mock drafters: GO FUCK YOUR FUCKING SELVES. Seriously. Basically every mock draft I looked at got me progressively more bloodthirsty.
- Kiper/McShay: jesus christ. I get that ESPN has to push it’s Insider subscription bullshit, and that if I can just pull up your mock drafts with a simple Google search, maybe I won’t pay whatever silly, delusional, self-aggrandizing price ESPN demands for Insider, but cccoooommeee ooonnnnn! I challenge any of you to go out and find me Kiper/McShay’s full mock drafts on the internet for free. In the end, I had to grab Bleacher Report’s evaluation of the Kiper/McShay first round mocks. Shit’s wizzeak.
- Basically everybody else: you’re only going to mock the first round? Seriously? There’s 32 picks in the first round. I looked at 13 mock drafts. Thirteen. Collectively, those 13 mocks had a grand total of 45 different names. 20 players were in every single 1st round mock (to the credit of the mockers, those players were all taken in the 1st), and 28 players were in at least 10 of the 13 mocks. My point? YOU’RE NOT DOING ANYTHING!! You’re just regurgitating the names that all your fellow pundits are throwing out there in a slightly different order. That does nothing for me. Oh, you guessed at a few trades in your mock? WOW. Props to Joe Buscaglia and Walterfootball.com for going well beyond the first round and talking about the prospects and the team needs. Their mocks are enjoyable. The rest that I looked at are just the same cookie cutter mainstream media bullshit that I like to think my generation is slowly beginning to reject. Have a little pride and put some actual human thought into the shit you publish for millions.
Soooo, because of how lazy and incompetent all these mockers were, I couldn’t get into the really fun nerdy shit like which teams reached the most for players. But I can give you the best and worst first round mockers of 2012. Here you go:
Whew. All that anticipation. How does it feel to know that Don Banks is your go-to guy for mock drafts? But fuck that, WGR’s own Joe Buscaglia is my guy. The kid killed it.
For the record, there’s a metric ton of mock drafts out there, and I’ll wager that a lot of them are really high quality. But I grabbed the ones that came out on the top of Google searches because these are the ones most people look at and they suck soooo hard.
On that note: MY 2013 MOCK DRAFT!!!
The Wild Card LEGAL DISCLAIMER: This post contains legal jargon, legal analysis and less profanity than usual because, well, my professor will be reading it and that’s kind of weird. But I think you’ll enjoy it if you’re a bored sociopath.
On March 12, 2013 an article appeared on Deadspin
containing a recorded phone call between NFL General Managers (GMs) Buddy Nix of our very own Buffalo Bills and Mark Dominik of the not-our-own Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
Neither GM knew that their conversation was being recorded by two eager opportunistics on a third line. The content of the conversation was, at least to football obsessives like my self and yours: racy. Both GMs disclosed otherwise proprietary information, such as who was on the trade block, and how they felt about certain of their players under contract. The article garnered a degree of publicity, and a short survey of comments on the Deadspin website shows that many fans thought the same thing: that’s got to be illegal. Right?
We’ll see. But first, let’s spin a tale of intrigue, suspense and “dadgum” embarrassment.
Here’s how it happened. According to Deadspin, the “pranksters”
dialed the publicly listed phone number for the Bills’ front office and asked for Buddy Nix, claiming to be Dominik. Surprisingly enough, they were patched through and Nix answered the phone. They panicked and hung up.
Next, they concocted a little plan: they would call Dominik next and see if they couldn’t get Dominik and Nix to play an annoying game of phone tag. The devils. But while they were on the horn with Dominik’s secretary, Nix called them back! So, they used three-way calling to answer Nix’s call while they were being patched through to Dominik.
Is that Meatloaf in Fight Club?
The Buffalo Bills should have re-signed Andy Levitre and I'm terrified that this will come back to haunt the organization. Am I overreacting? Most likely. I do that. But as it stands right now I'm pretty bummed about what I feel is the strongest unit on the team falling apart.
Before I get started, it should be said that there is the chance that Levitre wanted out of Buffalo no matter what was offered to him. Perhaps the Bills front office did in fact offer Levitre a huge contract comparable or even larger than what Tennessee gave him, but he simply wanted out of the playoff death trap that is the Buffalo Bills. Maybe all of the reports about Buffalo not contacting him at all were erroneous. I admit this is possible, however it does not change the fact that Levitre is gone, and it doesn't matter whether it was because they didn't try hard enough to re-sign him, or if the team's constant failure was the major factor. Either way, the fault falls on the front office. Onto my actual rant.
8 million dollars a year for Andy Levitre is A LOT of money. I get it. Yet, in the last 10 years, myself and many other semi-intelligent football fans have been clamoring for the Buffalo Bills to bolster their defensive and offensive lines. It finally happened. Despite this team's failure last season, the Bills have developed Kyle Williams, drafted a beast in Marcel Dareus, and signed big name free agents Mario Williams and Mark Anderson....now we just need them to put a full season together. At least the talent is THERE.
On the other side of the ball, the offensive line had finally become a bright spot on the team. It is no secret that I loved me some Joe D'Alessandris
. He was one of the only coaches I wanted back in Buffalo from 'the coach that shall not be named' regime. He did a great job with his players. Cordy Glenn struggled late season but has shown tons of promise as a 2nd round pick. Erik Pears has become a waiver wire steal and has played great, as well as his back-up Chris Hairston, who I have said said before has the talent to start in the league. Eric Wood is obviously a top-tier center (besides the injury issues, but more on that later), and I have a weird obsession with Kraig Urbik after watching him flatten linebackers while blocking for Spiller. That leaves Andy Levitre, who has anchored this line for four straight seasons without missing a game. That is the key stat that has been overlooked here. On a team that has been decimated by injuries EVERY SEASON (especially on the offensive line), Levitre has been a rock, playing at every position and playing well (except at center, that was an absolute disaster). Has he struggled occasionally? Yes. Is he overrated? No. On a team this bad, that still managed to have great run AND pass blocking, how can he be overrated? I honestly don't understand this. I've tried finding game clips of him royally fucking up, or in-depth articles about how he has been a failure, but I turned up absolutely nothing. Andy Levitre has been a great player for this team and he should still be a part of it.
Front office success!
Front office failure!
On the other hand, there seems to be a large contingency of people who disagree with me. The whole, "well guards are deep in the league so a cheaper replacement will be easy" argument is one of the reasons this franchise sucks so fucking bad. Wait....we have a guy who is solid at his position? Never missed a game? A leader in the locker room? Well, we can probably find somebody marginally less talented for a lot cheaper so let's do that!
Fuuuuuuuuuuuck thaaaaaaaaaaaat. He did his job and he did it well, but all of sudden Joe fanbase thinks he will be overpaid? And miraculously you think this 872 year old GM and cocksucker Russ Brandon KNOW what they are doing? Good for you. I have some lakefront property I'd like to joke that everyone has made I'll shut up now with that.
You overpay for good players. You just do. If you want to be a contender in the NFL I truly think that needs to happen (sweeping generalizations, anyone?). So instead of giving Levitre a big contract that he earned, the Bills dump more money into a former 1st round pick CB who has only become serviceable as a punt returner/dime back and another underachieving linebacker that no other team wanted. (Manny Lawson sounds like a swell guy, but no other team even had him on their radars. I read seven different articles about the top 50-100 free agents on the market and not ONE named him, except a single honorable mention.) Speaking of lists, I realize that they have become somewhat arbitrary, but Levitre was also top 5-10 on every single one I could google up. They can't all be dummies, right? O.K. don't answer that.
The other argument I see, is that the Bills need to save the money so they can re-sign impending UFA Eric Wood next year. Really? I mean for real? Like real deal Evander Holyfield? (I'm sorry) Remember when this team let Antoine Winfield walk so they could save money to re-sign Nate Clements? Both of them left. And even if the Bills did convince Clements to come back, Winfield has by far (I'd say about 6,428 miles) out-played his former teammate in their post-Buffalo careers. I absolutely hate this argument. Like, post-lockout hockey fan hate. On top of that, you're telling me the team should save money to re-sign a guy who has yet to put together a full season. This is also a player that has suffered more than one severe injury in his short career, and my counterparts think the money should be invested in him because Center's are harder to find. No. Just no. I like Eric Wood and believe he has long term Pro Bowl potential IF he can stay healthy....but that hasn't happened yet. The guy could be one year away from Brad Butler status and that is not a chance I want to take when I have a healthy starting guard sitting on my roster.
And of course, to top things off the Bills also lost Chad Rinehart to the San Diego Chargers this week, thus losing one possible "cheap replacement" option for Levitre. I'm willing to wait a little longer and see what happens in the rest of free agency, but right now I have feeling that the organization, and us as fans are going to find out that we didn't know what we had til it was gone. I hope I'm wrong, I really do. Until then, get ready for David Snow. UNLIMITED INFORMER/GAME OF THRONES JOKES FOR EVERYBODY! /goes on instagram because deep down I miss twitter
You can hassle me on twitter @TheScizz
but right now I'm taking a sabbatical so you'll be ignored.
Barrister here. As you all should know by now, sometimes we post a lot, sometimes our real jobs at which we're each enormously successful take up a little too much of our time, sometimes we have to plan for weddings and public remarks at said weddings, and sometimes we just forget we have a website to maintain in between early wake up calls in pools of our own vomit. We've lately been a little short on actual written content here (download those podcasts, though!), but have added a new guest contributor to our pathetic ranks! "The Wild Card" hails from West Seneca but is down here in NYC for law school and he likes to drink and curse like us so I'm sure he'll fit right in. In any event, someone had to write about Fitzpatrick here at the Deeg, and sure as shit none of the rest of us had the stomach for it. So I give you...
The Wild Card
Why I Hate that Fitz is Gone, and No, it's not Beard-Related
I know. The beard was like 99% of the gravitas. Hell, it was fuckin' awesome. But it wasn't awesome enough to make you want him as your starting QB and that's probably why you, as a Bills fan are pretty happy today. The Bills cutting Fitz means we get a NEW quarterback next year! And new is great! Right?! RIGHT?!
Mike Tannenbaum Well, not if that new QB sucks a giant fat one. This is the problem - with Fitz gone, everybody knows that the Bills are taking a QB with one of their first 2 picks. So, if I'm Mike Tannenb... I mean, John Idzik (the Jets new GM) (don’t worry I had to google it too) sitting at 9, and I really like Geno Smith, or Barkley, or some other ass-hat not worth a top 10 pick, I'm trying like hell to trade up in front of the Bills and grab my guy. And if that guy is the Bills’ guy too, then the Bills are going to have to take a different guy! I don’t want that guy! I want the other guy! The other guy is Ben Roethlisberger (two Super Bowl rings)
Not pictured: RAPE
and that guy is JP Losman (you just vomited)! Please, god, let us get the other guy.
(yeah, that’s actually Kyle Orton. But screw it, they look exactly the same and if JP isn’t chugging JD right now, then… like… what the hell is he doing?)
And the same thing goes if the Bills want to wait until the second round to get their guy, or trade back up into the first. When everyone knows what you’re doing it’s a lot easier to get fucked by one of the other handful of teams that need a QB.
But maybe everything will work out and the Bills will get their guy. Great. But now their guy has to be THE guy. He has to be the starter. Day one. Do you really see Tarvaris Jackson starting week 1 at QB for this team? Or… Aaron Corp? Or… sweet Jesus … Rex Grossman? Did you vomit again yet?! Did you even make it past Jackson without vomiting?! So yeah, whoever they take is going to have a ton of pressure on him, and the conventional wisdom is that none of the guys in this draft are polished enough to be day one starters. They’re guys that would be better off taking a year and sitting behind a wiley, bearded, Harvard-educated, Wonderlic-crushing veteran that screams like a 4 year old girl.
Tuesday, that wiley, bearded, Harvard-educated, Wonderlic-crushing veteran that screams like a 4 year old girl was on our roster. Now he is not.
And the beard was sexy as fuck.
Three weeks ago I wrote a post in honor of new Bills Coach, Doug Marrone
in order to give him some advice on the disgustingly awful roster he was inheriting. I chose to start with the offense and had planned on writing the defensive follow-up a few days later, but the constant state of sadness that our Buffalo sports franchises ingrains in all of us has left me unmotivated. Talking/tweeting/writing about any Buffalo team leaves me frustrated and in all honesty, sometimes it feels like a chore. We started this site as an outlet to write about the carousel of embarrassment the Sabres and Bills have been over the past 10 years, but right now it feels like an all-time low. Take a look at our own content since I last wrote if you want to get a view of our discontent; a Ray Lewis post, a podcast about music, and a CrapTastiCast that was full of sadness and only scheduled because I wanted to get drunk on a weekday. L:SDGGL:KASLDFKASFKASDFA!!!!! That's the sound I just made.
But unlike the Sabres this season, I am here to overcome my lack of drive and offer up some more advice to Mr. Marrone. He already took some of my advice by not tendering Donald Jones, and has made my job easier today by letting go of Berls Merfia heroes, Nick Barnett and George Wilson (Neither of which will probably even be in the NFL next season). However, there is still a giant car wreck of a defensive roster at One Bills Drive that needs to be evaluated by a guy who stopped playing competitive football at the age of 12.
Somebody rub Dave Wannstedt's nose in this.
Unlike last time, I'm going to start with the area that may have the least amount of suckiness.Defensive LineMario Williams
- Yes, Mario Williams signed a huge contract and under-performed last season. Yes, he clashed with the media and occasionally came across like a snotty cunt. Yes, he seems to be dealing with a lot of injuries that could continue to hamper his play. NO, he is not a bust....yet. In a rare moment of positivity, I'm going to give Mario the benefit of the doubt on his play last season. A potential nagging injury, imbecile Defensive Coordinator, and supporting cast of shit still landed him 10.5 sacks and two forced fumbles. Not terrible. Is it acceptable for the amount of money he is getting paid? Of course not, but one season under Wanny and Chan can do that to anyone. Doug, you have a stud on your hands here, make sure he lives up to that crippling contract.Kyle Williams
- Another big name player with a hefty contract who completely under-performed last year, yet somehow avoided being heavily chastised by the media. Why? Maybe it was the lack of a mini-fridge in his locker room, or maybe it's because Jerry Sullivan is probably a racist, I don't know (Yes I do). All that matters is that Williams returns to form next year along with Mario and this next guy. I'm still confident that if coached right, this D-Line can be one of the most dominant in the game.Marcell Dareus
- Obviously he gets a pass for what he had to deal with last year
, but even so, I didn't think he played all that terrible. He showed some weakness against the run at the start of season, but in the last 4 games I heard his name more than the other 12 combined. Use these three well, Doug. They are your best hope.Mark Anderson
- I've now sat here for about 10 minutes staring at the screen. I don't know what to say about him. He only played in 5 games, and naturally has the ability to play better, but I have no clue what to do with him. He only has a year left on the contract, but you may be able to find a cheaper option at end. Specifically....Kyle Moore
- Let me get one thing straight: I do not understand the twitterati's obsession with this guy. He over-performed for an undrafted free agent, sure, but that doesn't mean you run out and give him an even average sized contract. With that being said, would I be mad if the Bills sign him to a short-term contract for a little over the minimum? Not at all. But when I searched his name on twitter I found numerous Bills fan calling for a 4-5 year deal. Slow your motherfuckin' roll y'all. Chris Kelsay
- No.Shawne Merriman
- I feel like you already know better than this, but just in case you think he has something left in the tank, let me save you the trouble. He does not. In fact, the ONLY people on the planet that thought he had anything left were Chan and Buddy and Shawne himself, who actually thinks he is one of the top free agents on the marketHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA (deep breath) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA.Spencer Johnson
- I didn't even know he was still on the team. Bye.Alex Carrington
- I have a soft spot for "The River Monster" and as a back-up and master kick blocker, you should let him stay. And as a sidenote, please have Buddy Nix stop drafting D-lineman projects. It's a total waste.
At least he does something.
BURN IT ALL DOWN!
Nick Barnett - Well done, sir. I'm tired of him blowing coverage and watching RB's run by him.
Kelvin Sheppard - Speaking of blown coverage, this guy can't cover a fullback, let alone a dominant Tight End like Gronk. And how many times you can watch him get barreled over by Daniel Thomas before you figure out he has no place on an NFL roster. Worthless. GONE.
Arthur Moats - I heard he once tackled Brett Favre. Nobody has seem him since. GONE
Chris White - The google machine tells me he is a special teams "specialist", which of course means he isn't good enough to start and never will be. GONE.
Kirk Morrison - Still on the team despite being inactive for 17 of the 16 games. What's the point? GONE.
Bryan Scott - An unrestricted free agent, I use to love Scott for his ability to play several positions and make some surprising big plays, but the last year he was one of the worst players on the field defensively. When the Bills signed him mid-year several seasons ago, every other team in the NFL had zero interest. Feeling Deja Vu, sir. GONE.
Nigel Bradham - The one member of this group that I'm alright with keeping around. Down the stretch, he was the only guy making plays or even acting like he gave a shit what the outcome was. If you watched the loser bowl against the Jets, he put some monster hits on their RB's and that may just be enough to give him another year, but I'm not heartbroken if this entire unit is scrapped altogether.
And this is the first picture I found. FML.
Not quite the disaster of epic proportions that the linebackers are, but still a big mess. At least there seems to be a couple top-tier players in the group, but after that it is puuuuuuuure dogshit.Stephon Gilmore
- There have indeed been growing pains with Gilmore, but as the season progressed he looks like he could very well be that All-Pro corner this franchise so desperately needs. His awareness in coverage and willingness to go hard against the run were an absolute pleasure to watch, considering his teammates were getting torched left and right by mediocre--at best-- wide receivers. He also made numerous all-rookie lists but mostly from the mainstream media, and fuck them, right Doug??Aaron Williams
- Holy awfulsauce is he terrible at football. Blown coverage? Check. Overplaying for interceptions? (The Nate Clements) Check. Being absolutely useless against the run? Checkity check check check! I don't care if he is only in his second season, this is not the future of the franchise. Leodis McKelvin
- I already mentioned him in my offensive/special teams preview, and I say keep him if you can get him on the cheap. An amazing return man who didn't look half-bad in coverage last season. Just don't count on him as anything more than your dime back.Ron Brooks
- I don't remember him doing anything. He was hurt and during the draft he had tons of "upside", which you may know is code for "will be great on the Patriots but useless on every other NFL team".Justin Rogers
- I call him little Aaron Williams. Do with him what you must.Terrance McGee
- Hasn't played a full season since 1997 and his long neck creeps me out. He has no business being a professional athlete anymore. (UPDATE: Apparently Doug listened and cut McGee the same day this went up. Mind meld, Doug. Mind meld.)Jarius Byrd
- Let me use reference from one of my favorite movies to voice my opinion. Hope you like Danny Glover, Doug. Sign him. Sign him NOW! What are you waiting for???? COME ON! SIGN HIM!!!!!Da'Norris Searcy
- Another a guy I could not care less about. With George Wilson gone and Byrd un-signed, he is the only other Safety on the roster so I guess keep him? Either way, please refer to me as "Da'Scizz" from now on. Actually don't. That's stupid.
That's all I got for ya, Doug. I hate sports. Da'Scizz
It's your funeral.
Yes, I know the NHL is back and the Sabres are 2-0 and what not, but before the season gets too far under way, I still have some football business to take care of.
I still don't have a clear opinion on Mr. Doug Marrone. On one hand it, he has done a great job turning around a trashcan football program at Syracuse (and Buffalo IS a trashcan football organization as it happens), he appears to have been a popular candidate among many other front offices (unlike Chan Gailey, who Arena teams wouldn't call back), and he is the kind of "outside the box" hire that many of us have been clamoring for. On the other hand, said program was only a shitty Big East school, the Browns and Eagles folks are just as fatuous as the Bills, and a very successful, Super Bowl winning, defensive-minded Lovie Smith is still available.
Yet, no matter how I look at it, Doug Marrone IS the Buffalo Bills head coach, so I might as well get used to it. He has brought in Nathaniel Hackett to be the OC, as well as several hundred other assistants from 'Cuse, apparently, and has added some other staff members like new DC Mike Pettine (from the Jets) and WR coach Ike Hilliard (from the racist mascot taunting indigenous peoples team), both of whom I really like. So maybe, just maybe this guy actually knows what the hell he is doing. Or maybe not. #BecauseItsBuffalo
So instead of running down a hundred more "in-depth" points as to why or why not this hiring makes sense, I am choosing to embrace Douglas whole-heartedly, and actually give him some advice as someone who is already familiar with the player personnel shit-show he has inherited. I'm going to stick with the offense for today, as they give me a slightly less chance of having a rage aneurysm than the defense does. Maybe I'll be brave enough to tackle that next week.
Yes, Doug. That is roughly the number of players you should keep from this squad.
And they DID.
Not much of anything good to say about the season, but man does this still put a huge smile on my face. Someone break out the champagne! - we have some cathartic, remaining casually apathetic celebrating to do!
This probably changes nothing in the long run - Ralph "Odious Taint" Wilson, Jr. remains the owner of our Buffalo Bills - but it feels great to revel in the end of the Chan Gailey era at One Bills Drive.
May the wind be ever at your back, dear Chan, and your tendency to over-use your goats and under-use your stars ever keep you out of the ranks of NFL coaches for the rest of your days.
I come bearing gifts.
I don't know about all of you, but I'm simply having a wonderful Christmas time! Tomorrow I start a lovely 11 days away from work that will be absolutely glorious. Since I'm in such a great mood, I've decided that I would pass on some holiday cheer to our dear reader(s?).
As you surely know, receiving gifts is a fantastic part of the holiday season, but nothing really compares to spreading joy and the feeling you get when you give that perfect gift. So today, instead of another painstaking Bills preview, I've decided to share with everybody my gift-giving list this year. Somebody has to make your life more interesting, right? Insecure, Low rent Deadspin to the rescue!
To my dear old friend, Mike Harrington: Night vision goggles, new tinted windows for the van, Misogyny for Dummies handbook, and a gift card to Super Cuts.
To the official Buffalo Bills twitter handler: A bottle of scotch, an application for the New England Patriots social media department, and a "I would NOT want that job" face.
To Jerry Sullivan: A mini-fridge. Maybe if Jerry knew how awesome a mini-fridge at the work place is, he'd lighten up and stop mailing it in on a weekly basis. If not, a book of stamps for said mailing it in.
To Jay McKee: A book of non-gay insult jokes, Ultimate Fighter Season 2 on blu-ray, and a brony t-shirt.
To C.J. Spiller: A new team. Demand a trade. Hold out for obscene money. Just go somewhere else where you will be used properly and have an MVP season. As long as Tweedle-Old and Tweedle-Older are around, you'll be wasted.
To the Buffalo Bills front office and coaching staff: A lovely holiday party cruise with top-shelf open-bar, 5-star catering, and no life boats as it heads over Niagara Falls.
Ralph Wilson Jr. circa 1972
To Ralph Wilson Jr.: A silver cross, some garlic, and stake through the heart you blood-sucking piece of shit. (Watch him live another seven years, just in time for the relocation fee to be waived #becauseitsbuffalo)
To the intelligent Bills Mafia members (they do exist!): A different nickname. I know you do a lot of great things for charity, but go back to Bills Nation or anything for that matter. Or I'll even give Bills Legal non-profit organization if you want it, just try to avoid a name of a group that is associated with exploiting minorities, murdering thousands of people, and creating Atlantic City.
To the other Bills Mafia members (those who compared Fitzpatrick to Jim Kelly, still defend Chan Gailey, brag about getting Dm's from players, or have Bills tattoos): Your gift is Mark Sanchez or Tim Tebow. Let's see you spin this one, you neanderthals.
To the NHL: This giant dump I just took because that is what you have become.
To Matt Ellis: A request to remove the restraining order so that we can finally be together. Don't lock ME out, Matty.
To Jeremy White: A sincere thank you for appearing on our shitty, little podcast. You have been doing a great job, now please take a 20% pay-cut, slash your benefits, and just suck it up and accept it.
To Joe from Buffalo Wins: A Strip Club of the month membership, a dictionary, and a niche.
This seems about right give or take 40 lbs.
To my new pal, Mike Straw: He went out and BOUGHT my original gift for himself; A snazzy new Buff State hat! So now I'm going to get him a new benchmark for "making it" since apparently being made fun of by us was his original goal. I mean we are all very successful and handsome, but he can do better! I'm going with "learn the definition of irony".
To the city of Buffalo: With a new ten year lease for the Buffalo Bills and an added $400 million relocation fee, I'd like to give you a sadness hug. Just take a shower first you dirty fuck.
To the DGWU Sports house band, The Jambrones: T-shirts from the first batch of the #becauseitsbuffalo clothing line and the Barrister singing background vocals on your next song.
To Paul Hamilton: A new salt water tank with below zero temperatures so he can feel at home.
And of course I cannot forget my colleagues here at DGWU Sports:
To the Yachtsman: A book of big word British insults
to continue making the rest of us feel inferior.
To the Apologist: The NBA league pass so it hopefully inspires him to start consistently writing again.
To the Outlander: A shiny new lawyering job in NYC so he can get drunk with us more often.
To the Continental: A plug for how amazing her #BuffaloFestivus
tweets were last night and a Jim Boeheim inspirational poster.
To the Barrister: A new bow-tie for my wedding and a separate twitter handle for his political tweets. (I just registered @DubslovesWeiner)
To myself: Therapy for my ragestorms, a sober January, and a Knicks collapse by early February so I can stop getting my hopes up.
Happy Holidays from the Scizz!
Why the hell would I choose to write about the Buffalo Bills on a Tuesday morning? Especially after they got embarrassed last week in Toronto. Especially when it happens to be just a basic "news report" that DGWU generally stays away from. And especially when I could be writing about something awesome like the New York Knicks or this awesome breakfast burrito I just put away.
Well, the answer is simple. Despite how disgustingly awful this franchise has been this season (and the twelve before), I really like the offensive line for the first time in a decade. Top to bottom this is the one facet of the roster that has finally become what I hoped it would become. You can even listen to me get hopelessly excited about them back after week 3.
For years, the Yachysman and I lamented about the old days of dominant 90's Bills O-lines and criticized the front office for ignoring these positions in free agency and the draft. But now, I think this is one positive to take into next year. Scizz being positive? Am I on crack? I could be. My coffee WAS really strong this morning. Or maybe this is just to rub it in all of our faces even more so that this team finally has a great offensive line and an all-pro running back to match, yet with this an inept Head Coach, shitty quarterback, and senile owner, it will still never amount to anything. /jumps in East River
I like Kraig Urbik. If I hadn't stopped purchasing Bills merchandise five years ago, this is the the type of odd jersey purchase I'd make. He plays hard, opens monster holes in the running game, and you rarely here his name during games, which is usually a solid way of knowing an offensive lineman is actually doing his job. He also can seamlessly shift to Center if need be, which of course with Eric Wood's injury history thus far, will most likely be needed often. He's still fairly young at 27 and he has been surrounded by other talented young linemen; Before his injury Cordy Glenn looked like an absolute beast at left tackle, and with a few more years could be straight up dominant. On the other end Erik Pears surprised many fans, including myself for doing a great job....also before injuries, and back-up Chris Hairston is probably better than a lot of starting right tackles in the league. Of course the Bills need to lock up Andy Levitre this off-season to keep the core together, and Eric Wood has to stop having gruesome injuries before his leg falls off, but overall this is something this team can work with. I don't dare give coaching any credit to this staff, but maybe Joe D'Alessandris is worth keeping around. Hell, even nobodies like Sam Young and David Snow have looked decent in the run game when filling in. (Sidenote: Sam Young & David Snow were definitely a 70's R&B duo, right?)
I know I've already said I'm over this team, and god forbid will I let them get my hopes up again, but for some reason I feel positive today and I like the Bills offensive line. Sue me. Feel free to mention that the pass protection is still not even close to what it should be, but then again, this line has barely played every game together this season. Oh look! Conditioning is an issue with a Buffalo sports team again!
There you are negativity! I've missed you so.@TheScizz