The Outlander

Tonight the Buffalo Sabres take to the ice in the land of meth labs and man-eating sinkholes to attempt to do something they haven’t done once during this mercifully shortened season: win their fourth hockeypucks game in a row. If Winnipeg and Philadelphia win their games in regulation, the Sabres will suddenly find themselves one point removed from the final playoff spot with a game in front of 13,000 empty seats on deck Thursday night in the Everglades. Ten of their final fourteen games will be played at home and, despite all of this, some of you are despondent, downtrodden, terrified that they might win, that they might turn that puncher’s chance into a playoff berth.

Why is this case? Well the prevailing logic seems to be that the team is better served by finishing with a top three draft pick, buttressed by the sweeping assumption that if the Sabres sneak into the playoffs, Darcy Regier will be rewarded with keeping his job and this team will be thrown into some sort of perpetual mediocrity as true as our orbit around the sun. I can’t say I don’t understand this logic; the idea of giving this general manager a second crack under Pegula at assembling a roster would accomplish little more than hemorrhaging the fanbase and leaving us a few more years closer to death without a sniff at a cup. What I don’t understand is how people are willing to assume that this is black and white, that wins equal the general manager staying. Because drive-time radio pronounces it true? Because a WGR beat reporter who spent the entire football season telling you Chan Gailey wasn’t going anywhere is now saying the same about Darcy? Because TBN staff members that haven’t broken a team story since the Ford administration pronounce it true? For shame.

I don’t know what the owner thinks about the general manager’s future. Neither do you and neither do any of the local media. What I do know is management espoused a three-year plan to win a Stanley Cup (that has been shot to shit) and pledged to win multiple Stanley Cups under the new owner. I know the owner allowed or ordered the firing of a coach that had been involved with the team for the better part of three decades. I know that perennial eighth place finishes and first round exits are quite removed from the sixteen wins that it takes to win a championship. I know that no one who builds a business worth more than a billion dollars does so by accepting continuous underachievement and incompetence. 

I also know that telling the fans that they’re being neglected, ignored and mistreated sells papers and ad space, and allows fans to wallow in the “woe is us” attitude that gets ingrained into your DNA at conception in this region. I know it’s the safe column to write, the safe position to take. I know Pominville, Vanek and Miller have contracts that expire after next season and the general manager himself has already bucked tradition and stated to local and national outlets that any changes that will be made will be focused on next season. 

My point is that there’s at least enough empirical evidence to argue that the general manager is gone no matter what happens short of a conference finals appearance, right? There’s more than enough evidence to support the idea that columnists and radio hosts are trolling the fanbase by using Darcy as a boogeyman to get you to tune in or use one of your ten free page views (I’m not silly enough to assume any of our readers are also TBN subscribers). 

Making it harder to accept even a slight run of success is the fact that we had finally embraced, welcomed the idea of hitting rock bottom. After half a decade of mediocrity this was going to be the year we finally said “fuck it,” and took the losses laughing instead of crying. We were ready, and then these, these ASSHOLES had to go and start winning! God can’t they do anything right!?

The Scizz

The Buffalo Sabres play in New Jersey tonight. I live in Hoboken, New Jersey, only a short path train ride away. Therefore, I am going to watch the Buffalo Sabres in New Jersey tonight. Simple, right?

Not really. I almost wasn't going. In fact, with my contempt towards the Buffalo Sabres' players and organization at an all-time high I had decided that unless a friend of mine could hook me up with with free or heavily discounted tickets, then I was going to sit this one out. The reasoning was simple really; I'm attempting to horde all the money I can for my wedding and honeymoon in June, I'm coming up on a huge moment in my personal career that has me working crazy long hours, and to be completely honest, this team gives me weekly aneurysms, so why should I give a shit?

Then a couple of days ago a little voice inside my head said, "Hey, you miserable sonuvabitch! You like HOCKEY! You love it actually! GO! You know what else? You love hanging out with your friends AND watching hockey! You know what else you like even more? Hanging out with your friends, drinking heavily on a weeknight, AAAAAAAAND WATCHING HOCKEY!!!!"

The voice inside my head (let's call him Bookshelf Jr.) was totally accurate in his assumptions. I DO love all those things! (Except this Frank guy that's coming, I really hate him) So I went on ticketmaster, found a seat near the rest of the DGWU crew (& friends), ponied up a measly $33 bucks and now I'll be on my way to what will be a fun-filled night with old friends, new friends, and probably a couple of other randos I barely know (and again, Frank).

What's my point? Well besides being excited for tonight and not feeling motivated at work whatsoever, that's a given. I believe it would be to just enjoy sports as best you can even though #becauseitsbuffalo is a constant hashtag in our lives of sporting sadness (which coincidentally will be the name of the MLS expansion franchise in Buffalo). I have found myself miserable from sports way too often the last few years, and rightfully so, but sometimes you have to push through all that shit and just have fun because that's the point, isn't it? I like to think it is. I also hope this rambling stream of consciousness makes sense.

So bring it on Devils fans, bring it on Sabres under-achievers, and bring it on 5 am Friday wake-up because I'm ready for anything you throw at me!

Wait....Enroth is starting? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

The Continental

I figured before I start spouting off what will undoubtedly be regrettable and reprehensible advice, I should introduce myself.  I am The Continental, and I'm from a town smaller and shittier than yours in Western New York.  Why The Continental?  Well, because like the breakfast I'm not warm, and like the airline I have a spotty safety record and require intense negotiations before entering a merger.  That or I'm a degenerate creep, you decide.  Now I rep the 718, pretty much as well as any white girl can.

Since I'm a Bills and Sabres fan I am also quite adept at hating myself, which could also be one of the reasons everyone thinks I'm Jewish perhaps?  Who knows. But moving to New York has offered me so many more opportunities to sulk; Enter the Knicks, Mets, and St. John's basketball.  (PS. Fuck you Syracuse turncoat shit sippers.) Onto the questions!

"Who is your daddy and what does he do" -- @ScottyMCSS

Retired school teacher, athletic enthusiast, and steeply banked in that old man alcoholism of Western New York. Every summer he used to throw down so many cases of Genny Cream, it was incredible.  Now that he has retired, his pension money is going straight to Labatt Blue Lights. You know how LBL introduced the Labatt Blue Light Lime? Well, my father thought it was bullshit they were charging more for a case of LBLL than LBL, so what is a retired science teacher to do?  Experiment.  Now he buys LBL's and throws in lime juice, which of course took him a while to get the exact ratio right.  My mother, who's still with him is either a saint or has a prescription pill addiction.  (PS: make a better Arnold reference next time, I'm no scrub.)



"Now that I don't have 3 hrs a night paid to do nothing, when's the best time to do my scrapbooking?" -Matt Ellis aka -@SabresScratch

Scrapbooking is no longer trendy in the ladyverse.  It is too time consuming and you actually have to do something with your hands.  Pintrest.  Pintrest everything.  Bitches love Pintrest.  But to you Matt Ellis, I think Tumblr is definitely more your game.  Why?  Porn, lots of porn.  Porn everywhere.  Real porn, not just lady porn.  Lots of any kind of porn you want.  A solid 45% of my porn consumption comes from Tumblr.

"Dear Continental, why do the Bills suck and why are all women insane? I assume these can be answered similarly." -@fgif

The Bills are bad because life isn't fair and women are crazy because life isn't fair.  You need to work with what football gives you.  Get blackout drunk, puke on a Jets fan, and enjoy spending time with your friends, because at the end of the day football and related activities make life more fun until we die.  Most importantly it's a safe place where it's okay if you get black out drunk before 3:30pm.  But honestly, we're just waiting for the perfect season to come along so we're biding our time, right?

Women? You just need the correct calibration of crazy.  Is she crazy in bed?  Almost always good.  Is she crazy to your friends and family?  Eh, how crazy in bed is she?  Basically what I'm saying to women everywhere is be nasty in bed and men will overlook all the lady-shit we love and they hate (Bravo TV, Ru Paul television shows, leaf peeping, dinner parties.)  Not a straight up freak?  Try harder!  But this bartering system also works with Die Hard and Lethal Weapon movies, so sit there and keep your mouth shut and he will mostly do the same the next time you want to watch Real World/Road Rules Challenge. And again, significant others make life more palatable, more so than football, so we keep at it because we're just waiting for the perfect one for us to come along/come on.  WORD PLAY!


"Miss continental, every sports team has a player that all the husky gals LOVE. Who is that player on the Bills this year?" -@boner_shorts

The thing about husky gals, especially husky gals still in the 716 is they totally lack a sense of proportion.  Odds are they think they could land Stevie with their "Mizz Thang" g-string peeking over their too tight denim miniskirt at whatever bar on Chippewa is hosting DJ Anthony from KISS 98.5 these days. That or the husky gal wants to feel positively waiflike and would go for a mega husker like Kraig Urbik or Erik Pears.  I'm guessing these girls will only sleep with white boys, but this could just be residual bias from my backwater hick-town. 

And here's where I want to ask you degenerate creeps a question in what I will call:

"Are you there Deegers?  It's me The Continental."

Where do you loyal Deegers stand on sleeping with someone who has the same name as an immediate family member? 

Drop your offensive answers in the comments or e-mail/tweet me to be posted next week. Keep those questions coming!

The Deeg

What a joyous occasion! The Sabres drop two in a row to smash our hopes and dreams of a playoff berth, so the Deeg got together at the home of the Scizz to bitch about it and watch Wrestlemania 28. ADULTHOOD!

The first segment is dedicated to our disappointment over the Sabres' collapse, and there are a few creative ways we discuss to get rid of Derek Roy and Mike Weber. UNFORTUNATELY, a part of the segment didn't record properly. FORTUNATELY, that is probably a good thing since most the stuff we came up with was pretty effed up anyways. We also talk about hanging out with Bills' Safety George Wilson, and an interview with him that will never happen.

The rest of the podcast includes a brief review of the night's wrestling activities, as well as recalling some classic pro wrestling memories. There is a fake interview with Jarius Byrd, baseball is talked about, something about a hat trick in soccer, and we really enjoy bringing up random old-school wrestler theme music. We hope you remember the Repo Man. Barry Darsow FTW!

Musical breaks are from famed WWE composer James Johnston, Living Colour, and Motorhead.
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