Chris Kelsay won't give up number 90 to Mario fuckin' Williams? Are you serious? Kelsay, you God damn trash-bag, get over yourself, or tear your ACL and retire. Make the right choice.
Anyways, although I am still very distraught over this, I'm powering through to bring you another in-depth analysis of one of the Buffalo Bills new "rising stars" -- RB, Chris Douglas! (Kudos again to @boner_shorts for the new title suggestion.)
(Note: 98% of this profile is completely fabricated and in no way accurate. Just like Mike Harrington's Ok Cupid profile.)
College: Missouri State
High School: Billy Sims Prep (Abertone, GA)
Strengths: Not Tashard Choice. A snappy dresser.
Weaknesses: Only started one game in college, wears bow ties in game situations, pretty sure Missouri State is an online University
On-field accomplishments: Finished 27th in the nation in yards per game
Off-field accomplishment: Has seen every Tyler Perry movie eleven times
Favorite Players: Clinton Portis persona's 1,3, 7, 9, and 14
Other boyhood idols: Andre 3000 and Farnsworth Bentley
Goals: Find lenses for his glasses
Most memorable moment: Being profiled by DGWU Sports
Off-field activities/hobbies: Convincing people that Missouri State is a real college, collecting styles from 2004, singing with his Acapella group, "Clef Huxtable and the Pudding Pops"
Favorite Buffalo Bills moment: N/A
Romantic Crush: Madea, Tootsie, and Rupaul
Most embarrassing moment: Shit his pants during the senior bowl and was forced to stay in the game because Mike Shanahan's face was already too red to deal with the smell.
Most looking forward to....: Shopping with Stevie Johnson and Naaman Roosevelt, getting two carries during the 4th quarter of the first Bills pre-season game, finding a dorky blogger that made fun of him and ripping his throat out.
Another in-depth profile of a Buffalo Bills undrafted free agent. Stay tuned at DGWU Sports for several more as we count down the days to the season. Progress!
Follow me @TheScizz and read all the terribly inappropriate things I enjoy saying. BACK TO THE BASEMENT!!!