I come bearing gifts.
I don't know about all of you, but I'm simply having a wonderful Christmas time! Tomorrow I start a lovely 11 days away from work that will be absolutely glorious. Since I'm in such a great mood, I've decided that I would pass on some holiday cheer to our dear reader(s?).
As you surely know, receiving gifts is a fantastic part of the holiday season, but nothing really compares to spreading joy and the feeling you get when you give that perfect gift. So today, instead of another painstaking Bills preview, I've decided to share with everybody my gift-giving list this year. Somebody has to make your life more interesting, right? Insecure, Low rent Deadspin to the rescue!
To my dear old friend, Mike Harrington: Night vision goggles, new tinted windows for the van, Misogyny for Dummies handbook, and a gift card to Super Cuts.
To the official Buffalo Bills twitter handler: A bottle of scotch, an application for the New England Patriots social media department, and a "I would NOT want that job" face.
To Jerry Sullivan: A mini-fridge. Maybe if Jerry knew how awesome a mini-fridge at the work place is, he'd lighten up and stop mailing it in on a weekly basis. If not, a book of stamps for said mailing it in.
To Jay McKee: A book of non-gay insult jokes, Ultimate Fighter Season 2 on blu-ray, and a brony t-shirt.
To C.J. Spiller: A new team. Demand a trade. Hold out for obscene money. Just go somewhere else where you will be used properly and have an MVP season. As long as Tweedle-Old and Tweedle-Older are around, you'll be wasted.
To the Buffalo Bills front office and coaching staff: A lovely holiday party cruise with top-shelf open-bar, 5-star catering, and no life boats as it heads over Niagara Falls.
Ralph Wilson Jr. circa 1972
To Ralph Wilson Jr.: A silver cross, some garlic, and stake through the heart you blood-sucking piece of shit. (Watch him live another seven years, just in time for the relocation fee to be waived #becauseitsbuffalo)
To the intelligent Bills Mafia members (they do exist!): A different nickname. I know you do a lot of great things for charity, but go back to Bills Nation or anything for that matter. Or I'll even give Bills Legal non-profit organization if you want it, just try to avoid a name of a group that is associated with exploiting minorities, murdering thousands of people, and creating Atlantic City.
To the other Bills Mafia members (those who compared Fitzpatrick to Jim Kelly, still defend Chan Gailey, brag about getting Dm's from players, or have Bills tattoos): Your gift is Mark Sanchez or Tim Tebow. Let's see you spin this one, you neanderthals.
To the NHL: This giant dump I just took because that is what you have become.
To Matt Ellis: A request to remove the restraining order so that we can finally be together. Don't lock ME out, Matty.
To Jeremy White: A sincere thank you for appearing on our shitty, little podcast. You have been doing a great job, now please take a 20% pay-cut, slash your benefits, and just suck it up and accept it.
To Joe from Buffalo Wins: A Strip Club of the month membership, a dictionary, and a niche.
This seems about right give or take 40 lbs.
To my new pal, Mike Straw: He went out and BOUGHT my original gift for himself; A snazzy new Buff State hat! So now I'm going to get him a new benchmark for "making it" since apparently being made fun of by us was his original goal. I mean we are all very successful and handsome, but he can do better! I'm going with "learn the definition of irony".
To the city of Buffalo: With a new ten year lease for the Buffalo Bills and an added $400 million relocation fee, I'd like to give you a sadness hug. Just take a shower first you dirty fuck.
To the DGWU Sports house band, The Jambrones: T-shirts from the first batch of the #becauseitsbuffalo clothing line and the Barrister singing background vocals on your next song.
To Paul Hamilton: A new salt water tank with below zero temperatures so he can feel at home.
And of course I cannot forget my colleagues here at DGWU Sports:
To the Yachtsman: A book of big word British insults
to continue making the rest of us feel inferior.
To the Apologist: The NBA league pass so it hopefully inspires him to start consistently writing again.
To the Outlander: A shiny new lawyering job in NYC so he can get drunk with us more often.
To the Continental: A plug for how amazing her #BuffaloFestivus
tweets were last night and a Jim Boeheim inspirational poster.
To the Barrister: A new bow-tie for my wedding and a separate twitter handle for his political tweets. (I just registered @DubslovesWeiner)
To myself: Therapy for my ragestorms, a sober January, and a Knicks collapse by early February so I can stop getting my hopes up.
Happy Holidays from the Scizz!