The Hate List. What a charming idea. A week after my colleague, the Defenseman, wrote an absolutely amazing, heart-wrenching post in which he calls out some of us complainers in the sports world, here I am being a negative Nancy, throwing the warm and fuzzies aside for some good old fashioned haaaaaaaaterade. But I have not come alone! Joining me is the ever so evil, yet brilliant Criminally Vu1gar from his blog of the same name and Black and Blue and Gold. This brainchild was created when the two of us, as usual, were making fun of people on twitter and realized we both have something in common: hating random members of the sports world for no "legit" reason whatsoever. After a few DM’s (and BM’s, am I right?), the Hate List was created. Now bask in our awfulness as we attempt to come to terms with why we dislike so many sports personalities. My picks are in blue, while C.V.’s are in red. (because they didn’t have any rainbow fonts. ZING!)
I hate Mark Martin. And I know, that statement is going to get me a ton of shit from NASCAR fans, mostly the anti-Earnhardt (read: anti-talent) crowd. Fuck you, I’m sick of your bullshit and your excuses and your inane hatred of awesome drivers with awesome mustaches. THAT justifies rooting for a driver that just lacks the killer instinct to win a championship. And seriously, when does Mark “2nd place” Martin get inserted into the conversation with Bill Buckner, Scott Norwood, and Lindy Ruff? Can we dust off the choker label already?
First off, this bitch has two cups. Dustin Penner has TWO cups. After not even getting drafted and then impressing in the minors, Penner latched onto the MIGHTY Ducks and manages to help take the team to the finals and win it in his first full season. WHAT THE FUCK?!? Save us Derek Whitmore, you’re our only hope.
The following season, when Oilers GM/douche-nozzle Kevin Lowe fails to sign away Thomas Vanek from the Sabres (remember when Tommy had an 84 point season? Yeah, me neither), he makes Penner his consolation prize with a ridiculous 5 year, $21.25 million dollar contract for a guy with one year of NHL experience. Penner’s stats hold steady with the Oilers, but is later traded to the Kings in 2011 where his stats immediately drop, which I call a “Torres” or a “Boyes”.
Then this season, while still producing the worst stat-line of his career, Penner gets injured eating pancakes. Let me say that one more time. He got injured eating pancakes. The story goes, he got up in the morning, reached for a stack of his wife’s “delicious” pancakes, and then tweaked his back to the point he missed several weeks of action. Wowzers. Does anyone else think this sounds peculiar? I think since he goes out of the way to tell such an embarrassing story AND makes sure to mention his wife’s delicious pancakes, the real reason was him trying some insane sexual position with a USC co-ed and his wife found out about it. What’s that? His wife filed for divorce just a couple months later? Yup. NAILED IT.
Oh, then of course he wins another cup. Shithead.
Oh the “greatest baseball player of all time.” Oh how he saved baseball (and paved the way for guys like Prince Fielder, out of shape “athletes” who need a mirror and a camera attached to a tiny robot to find their penis). Babe Ruth wasn’t the greatest baseball player of all time. He wasn’t even close. During a time when his popularity was at an all time high, he came in SECOND in the inaugural Hall of Fame vote (to the real greatest baseball player of all time, Ty Cobb, who everyone thought was a sack full of bastard cocks, and yet they still voted him in over Ruth). This is Yankee syndrome at its finest, where the largest American market with the most successful history sees its players get way more credit than they deserve. It’s why there are still people that think Derek Jeter is a defensive maven, or that Roger Clemens is innocent, or that Andy Pettitte is anything more than a super nice guy with some good moments and a last name that looks like the cat walked across the keyboard.
For those of you who are our old school DGWU Sports followers, you may remember my beef with Mr. Gary Sanborn. Before his Florida State rapey self came along, the Buffalo Bills had a great long-snapper named Ryan Neill. Ryan was a young, upstart kid from Jersey who not only could be the team’s long-snapper, but he could play defensive end and had a heart of gold! I should also mention he went to high school with my future wife and I was holding out for some cool hook-ups in the future. Garrison Sanborn ruined this for everyone!!!! STOP JUDGING ME!
This one is personal for me. I grew up in Syracuse, and there was a time when this city’s bandwagon shitstain residents suddenly decided “hey, we’re all Eagles fans now!” There were times when the Eagles received precedence over the Bills on the local Fox affiliate because the programming manager has Ben Roethlisberger-caliber decision making skills. (No seriously dude, just guard this bathroom, it’ll be awesome.) So even though there were times I rooted for McNabb, I grew to despise him. When the T.O. saga hit, I got to see his stupid bearded face all over my TV all the time. It was the beginning of the slow death march of my interest in the NFL. It amazes me how much a victim McNabb became even though he is A). extremely annoying, B). A dick, C). sucks, D). constantly showed up out of shape, E). All of the above, and F). has a stupid looking face. Donovan McNabb’s face is diaper rash mixed with crotch rot mixed with bathing a paper cut in lemon juice. Google image search "Donovan McNabb" and all you find is his un-helmeted face grinning through stupid press conferences where the only caption that makes sense is "herp a derp derp derp." Now do the same for Fred Jackson. Wall to wall pictures of him playing football. Exactly.