Oh good day, you pathetic little imbecile. You have apparently seen it fit to consult with the Deeg for fantasy advice. This tells me a couple things: a) you’re awesome and I love you; b) you get fucked in fantasy harder than Tori Black... in... my fantasies. But fret not you damnedable bottom dweller - I, THE WILD CARD - will put an end to your shit-sucking ways and put some confidence and money in your pipe with which you can smoke... it.
So I’ve compiled a list of pointers - a 16-step program (one for each round - get it?!) that will allow you to perform at least as well as myself in your fantasy league (2nd place if you're lucky) (me, “perform” HA!). Now, this isn’t meant to be some bible about fantasy football strategy or some analytical system that’ll show you where the value is in the draft, or whether you should draft a QB or a RB first. If you want that shit, give Matthew Berry a handie and be sure his dick is pointing directly at your brain as he climaxes. You know. For maximum absorption of his genius.
No, to be perfectly frank, I’m just in the mood to fuck with you. See, last week I was locked out of my parents home, and - stricken with boredom while I sat on dirty plastic outdoor furniture - I volunteered my services for fantasy advice and no one took me up on the offer! Not one! So I decided to write this shitty thing. Here’s the deal. Some of these 16 tips are actually good advice. Others are not! BWAHAHAHAH.... HAH.
WHY SO SURIOUS?!?
16. Pat LaFontaine sayeth “thou shalt not wait until 16 to take a kicker.” Yea, Thou, you fuckin idiot. You know who was the leading scorer of the Packers last year? Well, it was Aaron Rodgers. But AFTER Aaron Rodgers it was... OK, it was Randall Cobb and Jordy Nelson and Jimmy Jones, but after THEM it was Mason Crosby! And he, like, sucks man. The point is that kickers score a ton of points, dude, so you better get a good one. I’m not saying you should take Sebastian Janikowski in the 1st round, but... maybe the 11th?
15. Join as many leagues as you can. It’s a numbers game. The more leagues you’re in, the better your odds of winning one. Plus it’s more fun. I mean. would you rather pay a ton of attention to 2 leagues or just set a dozen lineups every Sunday? Duh. Plus, if you only do a couple leagues then you can’t draft every player in the game. I mean, last year, you would’ve had to known ahead of time that Adrian Peterson was going to be a stud to draft him. But if you’re in a dozen leagues, chances are you grabbed him in at least one of them!! #championship
14. Make sure you only join leagues with really weird scoring systems. No points for kickoff return yards? No thanks. No drafting defensive players? See ya. No bonus points for 50+ yd field goals? Go suck a fuck. Join one of these cookie cutter “standard” leagues and you’ll just be sitting around cheering for touchdowns. There’s a lot more to this game called “futbol americano.” Embrace it.
I am a complete nerd
Nothing like waking up refreshed after another great night of CrapTastiCasting in Chez Megsie. With a renewed sense of motivation, and fully cognizant that Deeg did not provide you with a Fantasy Football recap for Week 6 and that you probably didn't notice, I'm back in the saddle for an update about where the four members of the Deeg stand in Fantasy Football land. If you want the short answer, it is "great, great, good and toilet."
Apologist's 2011 playbook
When last we checked in - albeit via Scizz's recap for Week 5 - I had just suffered my first defeat of the season at the hands of Yachtsman. At that point, Yachter, Scizz and I were sitting atop the standings at 4-1, along with Action Jackson
, and Apologist was swimming in the depths of 0-5. A lot - actually not really - has happened since then.The Week 6 Basics:
- Scizz moved to 5-1 on the back of some superb performances from Jay Cutler, Fred Jackson, Jimmy Graham and some nameless overachieving kicker from Chicago. The Hammering Hebrews, riddled with quiet days from everyone on his team, simply couldn't keep up. Who could have guessed that Curtis Painter would have had such a poor game?
- I also moved to 5-1 with a win over the DC Earthquakes. It's fair to say that I didn't much deserve the Week 6 victory, what with a sadly quiet day from Tom Terrific and an awful day from Pierre Thomas, but Ahmad Bradshaw proved to be good enough to keep my total score high as he racked up the points with his three TDs against the Bills. Joy.
- Action Jackson lost to Crippling Back Pain, which was good news for those of us at the top of the table, as Action Jackson fell to 4-2.
- And, finally, in a Deeg Deathmatch between Yachtsman's WMP's and Apologist's Yancey's Fancy, the unthinkable happened as Aps FINALLY BROUGHT HOME A VICTORY. In their post-game interviews, the two coaches had a lot to say about the reasons for the outcome. "I had two fucking starters on Bye Week and Aps only barely pulled out a win. That dude sucks so hard," Yachtsman was heard whispering into the ear of Suzy Kolber in the locker room. Apologist did offer some rebuttal, though: "If I had a choice between beating Yvo fairly and beating him because he was a dumbass and forgot to update his starting roster, I'll choose the latter."
Moving on to Week 7, Yachtsman's sinking ship continued to dip deeper in the standings as he suffered his second straight loss against Scizzer's Hoboken Hurricanes. A very close affair, as all matchups between Scizz and Yachstman are (zing!! man love!), it came down to a mere 2.3 points and demanded a pretty quiet game from Torrey Smith on Monday night. Both teams had rough weeks up and down their rosters - Scizz's shit games from Rivers and Cutler, and Yachtsman's awful outings from Hasselbeck and Watson - but the stellar games from Jimmy Graham and Mat Forte were enough to give Scizz the win.
Apologist followed up his Week 6 breakthrough with a Week 7 turd in what was probably the lowest scoring game of the season. Losing by over 20 to a team that only scored 85? FUCKING HELL APOLOGIST. Honestly, that's all the recap I can stomach for this game. It was that awful.
As for me, I kept pace with Scizz with a win against the real joke of the league - GiZ Beasts. The only other one win team in the league other than Yancey's Fancy, GiZ has the worst "points for" in the league. Not that I really needed the help, but I was lucky enough to pick John Beck out of free agency as a bye week filler. Beck's solid outing, along with the other standard good days from the rest of my team, was more than enough to give me the win - by a margin of 68.
In other league news, Crippling Back Pain and Action Jackson each moved to 5-2, good for third and fourth place, and DC Earthquakes joins WMPs at 4-3. With the six team playoff format, and another two teams at 3-4, it looks like we have a nice little playoff race going as we sit at the season's halfway point. Early season awards for futility go to El Mas Guapo and the J Spotters, both of whom have 2-5 records despite being the 3rd and 4th highest scoring teams in the league. Tough break, fellas. You may want to think about killing yourselves. Keep those options open.
In Week 8, I get my chance to kick Aps while he's down, while WMPs take on J Spotters and Hoboken Hurricanes take on DC Earthquakes in the battle of bad natural disaster humor. Until then, enjoy your weeks, try to keep reasonably sane about the Sabres laying an egg against the Blue Jackets (ohhhhh snap!) and don't get too frustrated about the Bills being forced to play another game in Toronto Fucking Ontario.
This picture has nothing to do with the post but I wanted to use it.
On top of the world, bitches. That's right. After a thrilling Monday night win with the help of real game losers Jay Cutler, Matt Forte, and Robbie Gould, The Scizz sits on top of the standings with a 4 - 1 record and the highest point total in the league. Damn. It feels good to be a gangsta!
I apologize for the "gangsta" line, but victory tastes so sweet after that win. My Hoboken Hurricanes knocked off El Mas Guapo (1 - 4) by 15 points, despite huge games from Aaron Rodgers and the San Fran Defense. How did I do it? Easy....Freddie Fuckin' Jackson, that's how. He is an absolute beast in fantasy this year and is delivering the goods to my heart in several ways, week in and week out. The 174.86 points scored was 3rd highest of the week as my team continues to run on all cylinders. I also spent over 15 hours in a car this weekend with El Mas Guapo owner, the Spaniard, and I think I got in his head.....with my awful morning after bachelor party farts. It was truly horrendous.
In other DGWU action, chapter one of the well documented fantasy football feud between the Barrister's Bachmann's Cervix (weird) and Yachtsman's WMP's (even weirder if you know what it stands for) came to a close. Although the Yachter sent violent texts at me Sunday because he assured me Yahoo wouldn't let him put in Thomas Jones over bye-week bound Peyton Hillis, he still picked up the big dub over our own Big Dub to move to 4 - 1. Matt Schaub's bad decision making on the field didn't hinder his fantasy numbers too badly as he became WMP's highest point scorer, which didn't need to be much when you look at the fact that the Barrister was playing the following receivers this past week: Eric Decker, Preston Parker, and Jacoby Ford. Add in piss poor showings from Dustin Keller and the San Diego D and you have what should have been the lowest total points total for any team this week (104.48).
The key word there is SHOULD. The Apologist's Yancey's Fancy scored a disgustingly low 75.44 points and was crushed by over 100 points by the Hammering Hebrews XI. I repeat - ONE HUNDRED POINT DEFEAT! He managed this embarrassing feat by having his QB's Josh Freeman and Kyle Orton COMBINE for 2.94 pts, playing an injured Andre Johnson, and my personal favorite, leaving TE Ed Dickson in his starting lineup despite having a bye. Dear lord, Aps! Yachtsman warned me his fantasy skills were terrible, but I'm thinking that this could be the first year this league (in it's 11th year) has a winless manager. That would be a new level of incredible suckitude. Sorry Aps, but we all need to pray this happens.
Yancey's Fancy before game-time.
In the other match-ups, Action Jackson squeaked by Grandpa Tim's AARP All-Stars to become the fourth team to move to 4 - 1 this week. They have won 3 in a row and take on Crippling Back Pain (3 - 2) next week, who picked up a huge win over the J-Spotters (2 - 3) with help from the Detroit Lions' Jahvid Best and Matt Stafford. It didn't help the J-Spotters that the Tampa Bay Defense ended up with negative one point after their embarrassment against San Fran. Finally, the Giz Beasts (1 - 4) picked up their first win of the season with a nail biter over the DC Earthquakes (3 - 2), handing them just their second loss. It was an impressive win for Giz, who as an expansion team is still getting a handle on the world of a two QB league. With only Alex Smith playing at QB (whom he just traded for this week), Giz received MONSTER performances from him, Hines Ward, and BenJarvis Green-Smith-Abbot-Schumacher-Ellis to move out of that last place spot. Speaking of....
Next week we have the second DGWU match-up of the season, as the Yachtsman, still no doubt riding high on his destruction of the feared Eric Decker, faces off against poor, poor Apologist and his struggling Yancey's Fancy. Can you say blood bath?
My Hoboken Hurricanes take on our good Jewish friends the Hammering Hebrews XI, a Tri-State plus league original, and the Barrister's Bachmann's Cervix goes against the underrated DC Earthquakes, who have quietly put up some impressive performances this year.
I would also like to add a new feature called "Start 'Em and Sit Em!" First, start your best running back. This will help you to win. Next, sit Keyshawn Johnson, Carson Palmer, and Fred Biletnikoff because they don't play anymore. Good luck and make sure you remember to follow us on the 'ole Twitter-mah-jig!
Best weekend ever? Best weekend EVER.
Putting aside the epic restructuring of time and space by our Buffalo Bills on Sunday -- sending us into an alternate universe of happiness and dreams fulfilled, never quite oblivious to just how wrong all of it is, but never, of course, wanting it to end -- I am back to bring you another installment of the DGWU Fantasy Football recap. Our league, Tri-State Plus, was back at it again, and the slate of games gave us a host of stories. Which is saying something, since this is a league of fake football being managed by drunken idiots. Do you care? Am I at all affected by your near-certain disinterest? Will the Apologist ever win? No, No, Probably Not But Hopefully.
This gravy train continues after the jump...
Spolier: This week, the Scizz takes over the top spot
Boy does having a real job suck. I had actually drafted up this recap yesterday, as I fought my way back to health with the assistance of some Bloody Marys and herbal tea, but then lost said post in the ether of my shitty netbook which has been beleaguered by some sort of trojan horse or whatnot. Either that or I might just be an idiot.
I had actually twice tried to saddle this recap task on the Apologist, but the word on the street is that he is holed up writing an ode to Mariano Rivera. Leave it to Aps to write a slobjob piece about the team that has so thoroughly dominated his Orioles for MLB's entire modern era. Way to go, Apologist, you are an absolute inspiration.
Scizz and Yachter have both been MIA as well, what with real jobs and craft beer week in NYC, and while Scizz is going to hit you all with another "game preview that's not a game preview" on Friday, we all know how important our fantasy football standings are to our dear readers (read: not important at all). So click through beyond the jump if you actually give a shit. If you're lucky, we'll have some new, actual content up at some point soon - but not quite yet....
Drawing inspiration from the greats...
The Barrister[DISCLAIMER: If you're still looking for a Bills recap, it's STILL forthcoming. After the Yachtsman unveiled the inner-workings of his "I've got a boner for NYC" soul, reports are that he fell into a brief coma, comforted only by dreams of drinking craft beer while watching a pack of dogs in Knicks jerseys rape Al Qaeda operatives
. In deference to Yachter and the, I'm sure, genius things he has to say about the Bills game and the shit-show that invaded his Brooklyn garden apartment, I'll be dipping into the meaningless side of football...]This will typically be something handled by the Scizz, or really any of us - whoever feels best about their team, likely. Either way, we figured it might be fun to, on a weekly basis, share some goings-on from our Fantasy Football League "Tri-State Plus." By way of background, it should be noted that this league has been around for several years now, and I am only just getting in the party. A two-player keeper league, this year's draft included two expansion teams, including mine. The Scizz, at the helm of Hoboken Hurricanes, elected to keep Philip Rivers and Matt Forte, both of whom had solid first games en route to Scizzer's Week 1 win.
The Scizz also had great performances from Jay Cutler and Kenny Britt (did not see that one coming), making the ultimate result a foregone conclusion.The Yachtsman, leading Weir's Mom's Panties (yup...that happened), elected to keep Matt Schaub and Steven Jackson as his keepers. He had a tougher time of it this week - mostly because of SJ's hamstring-shortened Sunday - but still eked out a victory on the back of Wes "Thank You, Sir, May I Have Another
" Welker and his 36 points. Dear Lord, the Patriots are scary.The Apologist and his Yancey's Fancy (dumbest name ever), seemingly stuck with the only two Pats (Ochocinco and Danny Woodhead) who didn't benefit from Tom Brady's career day, suffered a Week 1 Loss.
Don't count Aps out, though, as his lineup - including his keepers Andre Johnson and Josh Freeman, as well as LeSean McCoy and the surprisingly productive Rex "Sexy Rexy" Grossman - will be sure to put him in contention for the playoffs.And speaking of Tom Brady...hooray for me and the recently renamed Bachmann's Cervix!! (formerly named as an inappropriate jab at a DGWU member's mom...who may read this site for all I know). As an expansion team blessed with the first pick, I was essentially forced into taking Brady or else risk there being no stud QBs on the board by the time my second and third round picks came around. Going against every fiber of my ever-loyal-to-the-Bills being, Brady is now leading me to greatness, and my Week 1 win - built on the backs of great outings from Steve Smith and Dez Bryant - has placed me atop the league standings.
I feel like a dirty whore. So, all of the crew gets a win except Apologist, which seems fair considering he was probably watching X-Files and/or the Red Shoe Diaries and/or anything involving David Duchovny during our draft
. Next week, the DGWU Crew avoids any head-to-head within the crew match-ups, so we're still a ways off from any substantial trash talk appearing here on the site. However, it does bear mentioning that Bachmann's Cervix
will be meeting Crippling Back Pain