Charles Nelson Reilly (CNR) is the unofficial mascot of DGWU
Welcome to the final post of my summer movie preview series. I’ve had some fun comparing the likes of Drew Stafford to bad teachers, and even Nathan Gerbe to bridesmaids, but this month was slightly more difficult. As some of you may know, the biggest films of the summer hit during the months of May, June, and July. August tends to be a spot for big studio films with some question marks, or maybe a little less star power. With that in mind, digging up movies that included a Sabres tie-in was not exactly easy and I definitely had to reach. In fact most of these guys won't even be on the team next season. Plus I have to agree with good ‘ole CNR up above and say that most of these films look pretty effin’ boring. However, I promised a preview for each month and the nerd in me needs to press on. Enjoy the show....
Rise of the Planet of the Apes: - August 5th
Craig Rivet, Steve Montador, and Shoane Morrisonn
"Hey Mr. Pegula! Over Here! Hey we're on the team too! Where's Craig?
There is a good chance chance you may disagree with me when I’m done with this one but I don't give a shit. In fact, Yachtsman and I have been going back and forth via e-mail arguing about the quality of Montador all day (I prefer Weber). These three stooges gave me fits over the past season. As we all know, Rivet has already left the organization, Montador should be closely behind with playoff benchings, and unless the Sabres want to take a cap hit of $2,075,000
,Morrisonn may be around for at least one more awful year. (sidebar: get rid of that stupid extra “n” at the end of your last Shoane! And while you’re at it, change the first name to Shane! Douche.)
All three of the players came in as UFA’s meant to add veteran leadership, and in Rivet’s case immediately become a captain, but each failed to deliver on the ice, leaving the youth to take on the brunt of the workload. I’m not sure how this compares to a new “Apes” film, but the last Tim Burton take had high expectations and was an absolute disaster of a film. I mean it was gouge your eyes out awful. Therefore I am unfairly assuming that this one will be terrible, just like these three veterans who came in with expectations that were never close to being met. I just hope I never have to add Jordan Leopold to this list.
Final Destination 5 - August 12th
Poor Patty Lalime. A truly great guy that has been forced to face mountains of disdain from Sabres fans the past three seasons (including plenty from me). The job of backing up Ryan Miller is not an easy task, and many have failed before him. Just ask Jocelyn Thibault, Ty Conklin, Marty Biron, Mika Noronen, and Mikael Tellqvist. With the emergence of the Demon Swede, this appears to be the end of the road for Lalime.
During his 12 year career in the NHL, Patrick completed full seasons with Pittsburgh, Ottawa, St. Louis, and Chicago; making Buffalo his 5th and FINAL DESTINATION. See what I did there? I amaze myself sometimes. Unless Lalime gets picked up by another team for a one year deal and then this whole paragraph is null and void. Stop judging me.
Conan the Barbarian - August 19th (Not that we are ever SFW, but this red band trailer contains some ridiculous violence & very brief nudity....a DGWU first!)
Stay away ladies. No secret babies needed.
Who else but future captain Thomas Vanek can match up to a wordly conquerer like Conan? Although this new Conan was raised in Iowa and use to star in Baywatch, we all know who the true Conan is. This
Aaaaaahnold was a 'roided up freak for the original Conan, and it is still one of those epic fantasy/action films that I can watch over and over, much like I was able to enjoy the play of Atlas Vanek
this past season. They are both a dominant force who leads their civilization/franchise to better days (Please do not cue up the Goo Goo Dolls right now). The best part has to be that both Arnold and Vanek are native Austrians. Hopefully both will be known for wearing C’s on their chests at points in their career. I’m just hoping that T.V. has no secret babies
Update: I had to throw this up on here after I watch the trailer again and realized that the new Conan is Jason Momoa, aka FUCKING KHAL DROGO FROM GAME OF THRONES
!!! Now I need to see this movie. DROOOOOOOOGOOOOOOOO!!!
My Idiot Brother - August 26th
This is not meant as a potshot at Rob Niedermayer. Despite a forgettable regular season (one in which there were contests to see when he would score his first goa
l), Niedermayer played an admirable playoff series against the Flyers and you could argue that he was the hardest working player on the ice. This has been his MO for years. By no means an idiot, he has always lived in the shadow of younger brother Scott. They both won a cup together, but let’s be honest; when you heard that a Niedermayer was coming to Buffalo, how many of you at least for a split second said to yourself “Oh god I wish it was Scott!” I know I did. Thus is the curse of having a more talented sibling.
From what I have seen of the trailers for My Idiot Brother, Paul Rudd definitely plays a huge screw-up, but he has a heart and always has to live in comparison to his much more accomplished siblings. This is the only "indie" film I tossed in any of these posts, but Rob has a very indie feel about him. I bet he listens to Fleet Foxes when he has a scoring drought.
That’s that. Thanks to everyone for reading my clever little connections between these two major loves of mine. Feedback has been strong to quite strong, so I may continue the series into the fall with Buffalo Bills players...probably not.
Stay tuned for more ramblings and rants from the DGWU crew, including a group road trip this weekend to the Poconos to see FC Buffalo in action. Also check out episode 10 of the CrapTastiCast
if you haven't yet...it's a doozy. Enjoy your summer and if you have any other great summer movie/Sabres connections, leave them in the comments or contact me. Maybe I’ll put 'em up. E-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org
or hit me up on twitter @TheScizz.