Every week (or at least we hope, everyone knows we suck at schedules here) The Continental will answer your questions. Whether it is Buffalo sports related inquiry, needed advice, or just a generally stupid question you feel like seeing her answer, have at it and we'll see what this young lady is made of! You can e-mail weekly questions to us at deargodwhyussports@gmail.com, tweet us @DGWUSports, or even tweet her directly @hpurricane. The Bills are still a football team, which really bums me out. Fortunately I had Boner Shorts Day to look forward to this week and it was a great time. The next day at work? Not so much. As promised, here is my answer to last week's question: "what's the worst thing someone has overheard you say." To preface this, my 11th grade history teacher was a total cockbag. He graduated from the school he teaches at, he was popular then, and then in his mid 30's he was still trying to relive his glory days. He loved making us listen to him talk, mostly inane anecdotes he repeated often. I think it was about the third time he launched into his "trip to Paris" story when he paused for dramatic effect and I leaned over to my friend/seatmate and said "Congratulations." Problem: I said this in my normal speaking voice, not a whisper, cue class laughter. Mr. Cockbag decides that this is a good place to lecture me for my sarcasm and cynicism The joke was on him because he used both of those words incorrectly. I knew he was pissy, so I didn't correct him so I wouldn't get detention. Epilogue: he goes to my church and the one time a year I see him he never speaks to me or my family, though we sit two pews away. Assclown.
Well, that happened.
The Barrister
I don’t think my liver was really ready for that delightful mess of a game.
Defensive dominance? A special teams touchdown? Thrilling, last-minute interceptions? A 50/50 split of running and passing plays? Apologist buying round after round of preemptive victory shots, chased down by Lagunitas IPAs?
So. Much. Win.
As a new dad, and a Bills fan, I haven’t gotten many days or nights like that recently, and I’m not entirely sure I could handle it if one of my teams actually started to get good for once. I know the team is bad, and we’ll get to that, but fuck what a fun night.
Which isn’t to say it wasn’t ugly. After all, winning ugly – very ugly, mostly – appears to be the best we can reasonably expect from this enigma of a squad. But, after putting together one of their most complete games of the year in Foxboro this past week, only to fall short when it mattered, the Bills took an early lead at home and cherished it like the rare commodity that it is. They ran the ball often relative to their track record, relied on their best player to get them the points they needed – albeit via field goals – and made sure not to disappoint a home crowd itching to get that primetime monkey off its back.
It honestly shouldn’t have worked, seeing as they’re a garbage team coached by a garbage Chan and owned by a garbage taint, but it’s not like the Universe doesn’t owe us a game like that every once in a while. And even with the playoffs a supremely unlikely scenario for these Bills, a win is a win is a boy this team is not very good please god where is hockey?
Screw it.... On to the milquetoast takes!
During the 2012 Buffalo Bills season, the Scizz will be writing weekly game previews that will hit your eye holes every Thursday night/Friday morning. If you've been a follower of the Deeg for a while, you may remember that last season featured previews inspired by "The Big Lebowski." This year, as voted by our loyal/psychotic/confused readers, "Super Troopers" has been chosen as the ongoing cinematic theme. After a quick rundown of the game, the rest of the post has been inspired by his idol, Drew Magary, and his weekly previews on Deadspin, and will provide you with some solid predictions (false) and other incredible insight you can only get here (so false). So sit back and enjoy the (shit)show.
Actual autographed photo being shopped on e-bay.
The Scizz
Well shit. Where to begin? As I correctly predicted last week, I was a total idiot for once again getting my hopes up for a Buffalo Bills football season. But then again, at least I kind of/sort of saw it coming and drank enough alcohol on Sunday to numb the pain.
Of course, Monday was a different story. Still exhausted from the copious amounts of beer/vodka/whiskey (and a random Jager Bomb) that was consumed, I was forced to recount the previous day's outcome. Ryan Fitzpatrick looks like hot garbage. The defensive line is NOT who we thought they were. The secondary is an absolute joke. And of course, the injury bug has already hit big, as Fred-Ex is out for at least three weeks and David Nelson is out for the year, in a position of need where the team was already extremely undermanned. OH THE JOYS OF FOOTBALL!!!
Yet I'm not here to continue to whine and complain about how shitty the team looked in week one. There is enough of that everywhere (with obvious good reason). No, these previews aren't recaps, they are about looking forward and enjoying football, which is the most awesome-est sport in the world. In fact, as I said to the Yachtsman earlier today, I can't fully write this team off yet. I just can't. Because really, who am I betting against? If the Bills continue to suck, then it's just another year where by week 10 I have my Sundays back. Cool. However, If the Bills bounce back and show some of that early season 2011 spark, then maybe, just maaaaaaaaybe these ass clowns can still pull it together and all hope won't be lost. Naturally, as a fan I prefer the latter, but at this point in my life, I'm just going to enjoy football season and hope for the best. Brace yourselves, the Scizz is trying to keep things positive! Check it out after the jump....
“To truly hate is an art one learns with time.”
-Carlos Ruiz Zafon
The Scizz
Enough with the happiness. I feel like being miserable. Every time I let my guard down when positive situations continue to occur within the organizations I cheer for, something terrible happens and my soul is crushed. So, with the Sabres streaking into the eighth playoff seed, and Ralph Wilson and the Buffalo Bills finally opening up their wallets to fix the team, I need to even things out. It's time for some good old fashioned H-A-T-E. Rage Storms keep me regular.
I'm as excited as the next guy about the signings of Mario Williams and Mark Anderson to anchor the d-line. I'm thrilled for the re-signings of key UFA's like Stevie Johnson and Scott Chandler. Hell, I'm even pumped up to see some of my favorite role-players, like Bryan Scott back in the mix. HOWEVERZ, there are still numerous Buffalo Bills players that I'd prefer to never see in a Bills uniform for the rest of eternity. This is for them.
 5. Roscoe Parrish - I fully understand that Parrish is a free agent and his career is probably not only done for the Bills, but for the entire NFL, but Buddy still makes me nervous with his love for "offensive toys". He just re-signed Tashard Choice for fuck's sake. My new found dislike for Roscoe is three fold. First, he hasn't played a full season since 2007 because of injuries. When you are smaller and weigh less than every member of the Buffalo Jills, a full 16 game season will never be in reach.
Second, seeing him play always reminds me that he was, in fact, our top pick in 2005 due to the previous year's trading of the 1st round pick for J.P. Losman. Ugh. Fuck that scene.
Finally, I actually own a Parrish jersey. After Bledsoe left the Bills, I didn't feel like spending the money on a new jersey, so a friend had somebody back in Buffalo remove the "Bledsoe" and toss a "Parrish on the #11 for a few bucks. Great idea. I'd rather have the Bledsoe jersey now. That's what I get for being a cheap asshole like Ralph.
4. Lee Smith, Mike Caussin, Kevin Brock, Fendi Onobun - No, it is not the 1982 Los Angeles Dodgers bullpen, these are the other Tight Ends on the roster. Seriously. I'm happy as hell that Scott Chandler finally looks like the answer at TE the team has been looking for since Metzelaars, but is this really the best we can do for back-ups? C'mon, Buddy. I know this is not a top priority, but I'm sure Desmond Clark isn't doing anything important right now.
3. Terrance McGee - Restructuring his contract was lovely, but honestly, what other real choices did he have? Most likely the front office would of cut him loose if he didn't, and on the open market, McGee probably would have got no more than a little over the league minimum. He is not who we once thought he was. Almost as injury prone as Parrish, McGee is one of those guys who will end his career with Buffalo, if only because no other team will take a chance on his frail body. Speaking of which, if he loses any more weight, I fully expect lil' 'ole Terrance to get ripped in half in the end-zone, ala the only entertaining scene from Not Another Teen Movie.
 Walk it off, Marty. 2. Chris Kelsay - Ah yes, the great white joke. With Mario Williams joining Kyle Williams and Biggie Smalls Dareus, everyone thinks Kelsay will get to have a big season. I mean, even I have said that this fucker will probably lead the team in sacks with all the double-teams elsewhere, but that doesn't mean I still don't hate him. Nobody has EVER been able to justify all of the awful contracts he has signed, and fuck that "high motor guy" bullshit. High motor for Kelsay means he is really good at running into the backfield and right by the Quarterback, who simply has to take one step up in the pocket to avoid him.
I've heard people say he is valuable because of his run stopping skills, which is a joke. I've seen him get ran over more than any other Bill on the roster during the last several seasons. He's garbage, has always been garbage, and will always be garbage. I'd rather see guys like Spencer Johnson and Alex Carrington get the reps this season. Hell, even Thwomp himself, Shawne Merriman has more upside in my eyes now.....well, maybe that's a bit too far.  $100 says he missed this tackle. 1. Leodis McKelvin - OVER IT. I wanted to forgive you for costing the Bills that win against the Patriots in 2009, I really did. But now I wish those kids not only vandalized your lawn, but your face too. Leodis is officially a BUST. His retrun game is uneven, especially due to fumbles, and his coverage is fucking awful. His stone hands have cost the team so many picks, it's unreal, but that's only when he gets in position to make interceptions, which is rare. He is the king of blown coverage, and over the last couple of seasons, guys like Reggie Corner and Justin Rogers constantly outplay him. Yet, here he is with not only a roster spot, but a consistent starting position. I decided to make a quick list of people I'd rather start over Leodis McKelvin.
1. A 60 lbs overweight Nate Odomes
2. Matt Ellis
3. The guy who played "Sweet Chuck" in the Police Academy movies
4. The exhumed body of Dick Lane
5. Tim Tebow
I leave with you with my man Augie Garrido, who would coach for both the Bills and Sabres in his spare time if it was up to me.
 If this picture doesn't make you sad, then we are most likely not friends. The ScizzAs promised, here is the rest of my breakdown of the 2008 draft class. Writing this series has really depressed me. I knew the drafts have been awful the last several years, but when you sit down and really examine them, you understand why we have barely sniffed the playoffs in the last 11 years. As soon I finished writing this you better believe I cheered myself up by watching Sabres' highlights from the last few weeks. Especially this one from Jason Pominville last night. Hopefully this whole series is also entertaining for the readers, but if you need another pick me up besides the Sabres' Warpath, Buffalowins has a solid mock draft up, so check it out. On to the sadness!  4th Round - Reggie Corner - Defensive Back - Akron
At one point this pick looked like a steal. I mean his name is CORNER! Reggie started eight games in 2009 due to injuries and was better than serviceable. He was blanketing WR's, disrupting backfields, and was probably one of the only players I was really taking notice of during the entire season. However, (and isn't there always a however with Buffalo) last year Corner took a huge step backwards. If it wasn't for nagging injuries to Terrence McGee, you may have never noticed him at all. By the end of the season, he was barely seeing time in dime packages. Jury may still be out on Reggie, but after three seasons and little consistency, I'm calling him Reggie "Specials Teams".
3rd Round - Chris Ellis - Defensive End - Virginia Tech
Ellis was drafted as a "project". He played 15 games in three seasons. He recorded 13 tackles and one sack. He then injured his knee last year, was cut by Buffalo and signed a future contract with Pittsburgh who will probably turn him into a pass-rush specialist who records double-digit sacks next season. Watch it happen AND STOP CALLING ME NEGATIVE!!!  Hey Chris, if someone does a google-image search and this is the first picture that comes up....your career in football has not gone well.  This picture literally just gave me an anxiety attack 2nd Round - James Hardy - Wide Receiver - IndianaRemember how excited you were when Buffalo made this pick? I know I sure as hell was. At 6'5", Hardy was that big target receiver that everyone wanted. Unfortunately, despite a couple of nice TD grabs in his rookie season, this was a marriage that would never workout. Why? 1. Hardy pulled a gun on his father before his rookie season ever started. 2. He had almost no clue how to run a route correctly, making his height absolutely useless. 3. Some guy named T.O. joined the team in 2009 and took James' jersey number AND starting spot. 4. He blew his knee out early in that 2009 season and was unable to get healthy in time for the 2010 season. You would think that this may be one of the biggest draft busts of the last five years, but oh heeeeeeeeey 2009 draft class! Ugh. Shoot me now.
1st Round - Leodis McKelvin - Defensive Back - Troy
I'll keep this short. I could talk about how Leodis has had some solid kick returns for Buffalo, but honestly what's the point? He was the 11th choice overall and has not lived up to expectations at all. He missed almost all of 2009 with an injury, fell down the depth chart to the point where he looks like a career nickel-back, and even on those said returns, he has become fumble prone. One of which will be the way I will always remember him:
Yup. That is Leodis taking an unnecessary kickoff out of the end-zone, fumbling it, and allowing New England to continue their streak of owning us. Vandalizing his lawn may be insanely immature, but in the moment, I wanted to vandalize his knee with a crowbar. (Who am I kidding? I would have said "nice game" and then ran away crying....sigh)
The Apologist
There's not a whole lot to report for us here at DGWUSports today, but some actual reporters did earn their keep over the weekend.
 Two members of the Buffalo Bills were profiled this weekend by the Buffalo News' and Bills' respective beat writers. Mark Gaughan did a piece on DT Marcus Stroud while Chris Brown did an article about emerging CB Reggie Corner. The article on Stroud is basically just about how he's enjoying playing in Buffalo, but more importantly, enjoying his new beefed-up contact. The Bills signed Stroud to a 2-year extension after trading for him. Without it, Stroud was set to earn $9.5 million over the next two seasons. Now, thanks to Russ & Co., he'll make $29 million over the next four years ($12 million guaranteed). Meanwhile, you may have seen me mention in recent weeks that Reggie Corner has been getting more and more practice time at the nickleback spot with Ashton Youboty & Leodis McKelvin both recovering from injuries (Youboty is recovering from plantar faciitis and McKelvin has an undisclosed hand injury). Both teammates and coaches are impressed with his level of play in OTAs so far. As I've pondered out loud before, it will be interesting to see what Jauron & Fewell decide to do once (if) everyone's healthy. Lord knows how we love our continuity at 1 Bills Drive.
But enough about T.O. The Bills began their OTAs today! (insert cliche cricket noises here) ...ok, I don't really know anything about them either, but it's blog-worthy so here I go.
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