We have come for your uncool niece.
The YachtsmanBEWARE. LATE NIGHT POST. IMBIBED SPIRITS + LONG DAY AT WORK + STRUGGLING WITH THE INEFFICIENCY OF THE INTERNET. ANGER SAUCE.Zen fascists will control you 100% natural You will jog for the master race And always wear the happy face Close your eyes, can't happen here Big Bro' on white horse is near The hippies won't come back you say Mellow out or you will pay Mellow out or you will pay!- THE DEAD KENNEDYSBefore I get into it, here's the CRAPTASTICAST #15: A Breakdown in Parliamentary Procedure.. [Ed. Note from The Barrister: You can also stream it directly below, or check it out via the iTunes Link. I may be all roses about my sports teams for the moment, as so gingerly pointed out later in this post, but Yachtsman's inability (or, more aptly, refusal based in feigned superiority) to listen to fucking directions really grinds my gears. God bless him. Which, as he is an atheist, is the perfect fucking medicine. Enjoy the poisoned hand of our maker, dick. But I digress. Just enjoy the crafty HTML embed codes I had to put in below. And when I say "crafty," I really mean "simple as fuck but somehow still beyond the ken of Yachtsman's interweb abilities." Cheers.]
One of these days we should just start fucking slugging each other. Parliamentary Procedure broke down in this one to a delightful degree. I was a big fan of the organized chaos. I think it came out pretty well. The discussion was heated, stupid unsubstantiated points were made, and our producer Meg chimed in with some Occupy Wall Street shit and texted me we should just go drink halfway through it.
NOW MAYBE I'M NOT "THE NORM".
FOR REALS THOUGH NOW YOU GUYZ. We've seen a lot of breathless optimism on this site from the likes of everyone else, so I feel....as The Yachtsman and title giver of this site (DEAR GOD WHY US IS IN REFERENCE TO BAD THINGS HAPPENING)...I'm gonna be the voice for the silent majority (could be minority, I don't care). My boy Matt Stewart of Buffalo Wins (I'M SORRY JOE I'VE HAD TOO MANY BEERS TO FIGURE OUT THE HYPERLINKING AGAIN) touched on some interesting points last week, but it was drowned out by the Handel's Chorus of Assumed Playoff Berths and Stanley Cups we've been subtly hinting at on this site and via Twitter over the past few weeks. <--- FACELESS INTERNET POT SHOTS AT MY COLLEAGUES BUT REALLY NOT FACELESS BECAUSE THEY SEE ME AND WATCH FOOTBALL/GET HUMPED BY MY DOG ON SUNDAYS.
I'M NOT NEGATIVE I'M METAL.
With that in mind, I feel that I'm going to have bring the realness to counterbalance what I believe to be a spiralling headwind into heartbreak (not a real metaphor, don't really care, sounded good in my head <---Meta! editing within the post as I write and breaking the fourth wall! <---clearly overserved writer <-----you should x out of this window now).
Bail bail bail! This post is crashing and burning!
So going forward, you're going to see some more weird shit from El Yachtero. I'm not a big recap guy. I don't like to be bound by the constraints of one single thing (for instance: Manchester United and Liverpool drew 1-1 at Anfield last weekend, Liverpool missed an assload of chances, Manchester didn't start a strong side, and basically the teams played scared for 60 minutes. Good? Got it. EPL Recaps with Yachtsman. Fail).
Scizz, Cross Country practice, 1998. / Me, Crew practice, same year.
I'm not gonna rain waste matter all over your parades, I'm just saying I'm not gonna be driving the floats (unless you ply me with ass, gas, or cash. I never drive for free). What you'll get from me is more rants, more anger, more swearing, and more metal. I feel the site has been lacking in all of these areas since last year's playoffs. Here's hoping my anger doesn't pop a valve in my chest first. I love you all.
Take it away, Jello....
GO TO SLEEP ERIC STAAL!
Everyone's really been digging the "My Name Is Jhonas" meme with Enroth, which is awesome because matching awesome songs with awesome goaltenders is an awesome pursuit. HOWEVER, I (don't I always) have a bone to pick with this matchup -- Weezer's all well and good, and logically it totally works....but I think Enroth represents more than just a catchy tune from a poppy 90s band. Just look at the lyrics:
MY NAME IS JONAS
Come sit next to me,
Pour yourself some tea.
Just like Grandma made,
When we couldn't find sleep.
Things were better then.
Once, but never again.
We've all left the den.
Let me tell you 'bout it.
King Llort has passed judgement.
I think our little Swedish Demon deserves more than Rivers Cuomo. I think he deserves a song which represents the many facets of little Jhonas Superstar: demonic gaze (did you see the way he stared down that linesman after the helmetless no-whistle?), hellish eye-hand coordination, fearlessness, and the fact that his performance is leaving a nagging evil thoughts in all evil Sabre hearts (mine most of all): Miller who....sort of?* Jhonas the Demon deserves a song which represents his new demonic following among Sabres fans. He deserves a band which mirrors his newfound awesomenitude. He deserves the Dark Princes regailing his exploits with the deepest darkest hearts of Metal. He deserves....Sabbath!
Are you dudes lost? Do you need a map?
Specifically, he deserves N.I.B. (Nativity In Black). I discovered the similarities when I was blessed with a random Sabbath streak on my iPod. Think about it: it talks about how awesome Satan (Enroth) is, how awesome it is to come over to the dark side (The Playoffs), how Satan will take you there (Enroth's performance in a must win game), forget about your former life (forget about Connolly & Sekera & Miller's mysterious injury for now, just watch me goaltend), you're the first one to have my love (he's just a Rookie!!). You'll get it when you read it:
Now I have you with me, under my power
Our love grows stronger now, with every hour
Look into my eyes, you will see who I am
My name is Lucifer, please take my hand
Follow me now and you will not regret
Leaving the life you led before we met
You are the first to have this love of mine
Forever with me, until the end of time!
Plus, it's an awesome song filled with pre-Sharon Ozzy. YOU CAN'T GO WRONG. Besides, if Enroth grew his budding mullet a few feet longer, he could definitely fill in for Iommi. No problem.
Yes, this is my second Enroth stroking
in a week. I don't care. Hopefully he doesn't blow it tonight vs. Tampa, right guys?!?!!????* Come on now, I still love Miller. But the hallmark of good Sabre teams has always been two-headed monster goaltending. I'll take a Jennings over a Vezina any day.