Super big wieners.
super bigger huge wieners
God help me for bothering to do this today. Pretty sure it's that asshole Dan Sterlace's fault, but whatever. I'm in too deep now.
Today, unless you're a Sabres fan living under a rock that doesn't allow for decent wifi, you know there was a press conference with Ted Black and Darcy Regier. Awesome! I seem to remember they didn't have one of those last year! I bet those pros over at the Buffalo News were so excited and put on their nicest Burger King pants for the occasion. I bet they even decided not to be their usual turd burgling selves and act like adults for once.
Oh mannnnnnnn, was this a terrible shit show. Everyone walked away from this looking like a terrible human being - Darcy, Mike Harrington, Jerry Sullivan, Paul Hamilton (though to be fair he waddled away looking like a walrus with terrible grammar, as per usual), Ted Black, some asshole from Channel 2 named Scott Brown and one or two guys named John, one whom I can only assume was Jon Vogl and the other who I learned was John Wawrow. Of course, the key players of Rusty Tromboning were to be expected, but fuck. The dipshittery was flying from every direction. Pretty sure I've interviewed inmates on Rikers facing murder charges evince more of a commitment to civility than I saw on display.
Oh, and they also talked about the terrible hockey team we inexplicably love. Good times.
What's the solution? Oh, I'm going to FJM this motherfucker. It's the only way we get right again.
HERE WE GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Tonight the Buffalo Sabres take to the ice in the land of meth labs and man-eating sinkholes to attempt to do something they haven’t done once during this mercifully shortened season: win their fourth hockeypucks game in a row. If Winnipeg and Philadelphia win their games in regulation, the Sabres will suddenly find themselves one point removed from the final playoff spot with a game in front of 13,000 empty seats on deck Thursday night in the Everglades. Ten of their final fourteen games will be played at home and, despite all of this, some of you are despondent, downtrodden, terrified that they might win, that they might turn that puncher’s chance into a playoff berth.
Why is this case? Well the prevailing logic seems to be that the team is better served by finishing with a top three draft pick, buttressed by the sweeping assumption that if the Sabres sneak into the playoffs, Darcy Regier will be rewarded with keeping his job and this team will be thrown into some sort of perpetual mediocrity as true as our orbit around the sun. I can’t say I don’t understand this logic; the idea of giving this general manager a second crack under Pegula at assembling a roster would accomplish little more than hemorrhaging the fanbase and leaving us a few more years closer to death without a sniff at a cup. What I don’t understand is how people are willing to assume that this is black and white, that wins equal the general manager staying. Because drive-time radio pronounces it true? Because a WGR beat reporter who spent the entire football season telling you Chan Gailey wasn’t going anywhere is now saying the same about Darcy? Because TBN staff members that haven’t broken a team story since the Ford administration pronounce it true? For shame.
I don’t know what the owner thinks about the general manager’s future. Neither do you and neither do any of the local media. What I do know is management espoused a three-year plan to win a Stanley Cup (that has been shot to shit) and pledged to win multiple Stanley Cups under the new owner. I know the owner allowed or ordered the firing of a coach that had been involved with the team for the better part of three decades. I know that perennial eighth place finishes and first round exits are quite removed from the sixteen wins that it takes to win a championship. I know that no one who builds a business worth more than a billion dollars does so by accepting continuous underachievement and incompetence.
I also know that telling the fans that they’re being neglected, ignored and mistreated sells papers and ad space, and allows fans to wallow in the “woe is us” attitude that gets ingrained into your DNA at conception in this region. I know it’s the safe column to write, the safe position to take. I know Pominville, Vanek and Miller have contracts that expire after next season and the general manager himself has already bucked tradition and stated to local and national outlets that any changes that will be made will be focused on next season.
My point is that there’s at least enough empirical evidence to argue that the general manager is gone no matter what happens short of a conference finals appearance, right? There’s more than enough evidence to support the idea that columnists and radio hosts are trolling the fanbase by using Darcy as a boogeyman to get you to tune in or use one of your ten free page views (I’m not silly enough to assume any of our readers are also TBN subscribers).
Making it harder to accept even a slight run of success is the fact that we had finally embraced, welcomed the idea of hitting rock bottom. After half a decade of mediocrity this was going to be the year we finally said “fuck it,” and took the losses laughing instead of crying. We were ready, and then these, these ASSHOLES had to go and start winning! God can’t they do anything right!?
Let's be real here. That was fucking delightful.
The lockout is over, we've had top-level professional hockey for two straight days, and the Buffalo Sabres beat the piss out of the shitheads from Broad Street. What do we have to be sullen about?
/looks at rafters to see meaningless divisional banners and a slew of Bandits championships /kills self
There's certainly plenty of history to support a pessimistic tone today because, well, #becauseitsbuffalo, but sports are fun and yesterday was tons
of it. Is it a sign of things to come? Are we destined for the playoffs after a disappointing end to last season? I don't know and neither do you. Shit like games and goals and saves all still have to actually happen. Let's enjoy it, ok?
No? The Sabres are inevitably going to disappoint us and cause me to retreat to my son's nursery for a week's worth of tears? Well screw you man
For the time being we have the luxury of being all optimism all the time, at least until Yachtsman jumps on here with his "fuck all the things" tone, so join me after the jump for generally delusional and premature observations on Buffalo's early version of HOCKEYPUCKSTIME. (and a gracious tip of the hat to our buddy Frank
for that one)
GO TO SLEEP ERIC STAAL!
Everyone's really been digging the "My Name Is Jhonas" meme with Enroth, which is awesome because matching awesome songs with awesome goaltenders is an awesome pursuit. HOWEVER, I (don't I always) have a bone to pick with this matchup -- Weezer's all well and good, and logically it totally works....but I think Enroth represents more than just a catchy tune from a poppy 90s band. Just look at the lyrics:
MY NAME IS JONAS
Come sit next to me,
Pour yourself some tea.
Just like Grandma made,
When we couldn't find sleep.
Things were better then.
Once, but never again.
We've all left the den.
Let me tell you 'bout it.
King Llort has passed judgement.
I think our little Swedish Demon deserves more than Rivers Cuomo. I think he deserves a song which represents the many facets of little Jhonas Superstar: demonic gaze (did you see the way he stared down that linesman after the helmetless no-whistle?), hellish eye-hand coordination, fearlessness, and the fact that his performance is leaving a nagging evil thoughts in all evil Sabre hearts (mine most of all): Miller who....sort of?* Jhonas the Demon deserves a song which represents his new demonic following among Sabres fans. He deserves a band which mirrors his newfound awesomenitude. He deserves the Dark Princes regailing his exploits with the deepest darkest hearts of Metal. He deserves....Sabbath!
Are you dudes lost? Do you need a map?
Specifically, he deserves N.I.B. (Nativity In Black). I discovered the similarities when I was blessed with a random Sabbath streak on my iPod. Think about it: it talks about how awesome Satan (Enroth) is, how awesome it is to come over to the dark side (The Playoffs), how Satan will take you there (Enroth's performance in a must win game), forget about your former life (forget about Connolly & Sekera & Miller's mysterious injury for now, just watch me goaltend), you're the first one to have my love (he's just a Rookie!!). You'll get it when you read it:
Now I have you with me, under my power
Our love grows stronger now, with every hour
Look into my eyes, you will see who I am
My name is Lucifer, please take my hand
Follow me now and you will not regret
Leaving the life you led before we met
You are the first to have this love of mine
Forever with me, until the end of time!
Plus, it's an awesome song filled with pre-Sharon Ozzy. YOU CAN'T GO WRONG. Besides, if Enroth grew his budding mullet a few feet longer, he could definitely fill in for Iommi. No problem.
Yes, this is my second Enroth stroking
in a week. I don't care. Hopefully he doesn't blow it tonight vs. Tampa, right guys?!?!!????* Come on now, I still love Miller. But the hallmark of good Sabre teams has always been two-headed monster goaltending. I'll take a Jennings over a Vezina any day.