The Barrister
Seriously, fuck the Bills, y'all.
But while I'm trying to find the energy or desire to run through my own post-mortem on our shite squad and another shite season, there are certain things to be happy about, even in the darkness that is sport.
Here's one! Oh that is just precious.
Jets games have always been a dangerous place, but the idea that MetLife Stadium is devolving into a mess of frustration and anger amongst the home fans is simply amazing. This is a team, and a fan base, that has believed that success is right around the corner; that their franchise is worthy of the back pages of New York City's papers. And here comes Fireman Ed, a patron Saint of the franchise, used in marketing over and over the past few years, with a guest contribution to Metro - arguably the New York Jets of New York City papers - disclaiming his role as team mascot. To see him do this - to make such a grand, symbolic gesture while still assuring readers and fellow fans that he won't stop going to games - is a bizarre and wonderful mix of irony and irrationality. As if the fights he claims to avoid every week won't follow him. As if his role as "homer shithead" is somehow abandoned so long as he doesn't wear that absurd helmet. As if the simple act of publishing this in the Metro won't bring down a firestorm of rage from fellow Jets fans angered by his fair-weather fan attitude.
Of course, I know that I have no right to be making fun of another franchise or its fans right now. Our team is terrible. Our coach needs to be fired. And the Jets have embarassed us time and again lately.
But, I can't help it. If the Bills aren't going to make me feel any better about the NFL right now - and we know they won't - I'll be doing my darndest to make myself feel better by laughing at the misfortune of others.
 Losing all hope was freedom UPDATE: I just got this email from a coworker trying to sell tickets to Arizona's upcoming game at MetLife. Was simply too good not to share here as well as Twitter...
 Pinzone. The DeegStill smarting from Sunday's Week 1 debacle? Still want to wallow a little more, while simultaneously having your favorite blowhards serenade your ear holes with ill-formed arguments, rage storms and jokes about strippers? Of course you do. The Deeg was in attendance at MetLife this weekend. While the Bills couldn't be bothered to bring their A Game, we showed up to fucking play. And play we did. That was creepy. With a short pregame segment and a doggie bag full of hot takes from our ultimate, postgame trip back to the five boroughs, we discuss our terrible squad, undersized jerseys, canine cunnilingus, needle dick Jets fans, dick-hatted state troopers, and the presumptive end of the Ryan Fitzbeardy Era at One Bills Drive. Recorded on an iPhone, what we lack in technical quality, we make up in faceless internet potshots. Musical interludes by Buffalo hip hop duo Kinda Like Dreamin, the Violent Femmes and Queen. Download here or here, ( iTunes link pending) and stream below.
The Barrister
A simple point for today: Fuck Tim Tebow and a pox on ESPN for taking today's 25th anniversary of the only time he touched a vagina and making it into an insufferable blow fest.
I don't watch ESPN's morning programming, mind you, so I can't pretend to claim that their coverage of this non-event ruined my day or that I am now hoarse from raging at my television over coffee and Cheerios. Even that distance from ESPN's influence, however, is not enough to keep my blood pressure in check as I learned about the Birthday Boy focus of both SportsCenter and First Take this morning. No, it's not surprising. And yes, I shouldn't get angry about it because there are certainly better things to do with my time.
Ah well. Priorities.
 One of the many things I missed while I was out. The Barrister
Cue the milquetoast opener:
Well gosh darnit, fans of the Deeg, I know you've been eagerly awaiting content from the Kings of Fresh Takes and like the degenerates we are, we've opted to tend to our real world lives instead of bloviating about the latest in bread and circus sports entertainment. Why the lull? Well, personally, my answer to that question has three parts: (1) it's July and I've been getting viciously hamzoed more often than I should admit (hooray anonymous internet monikers!!); (2) I've been traveling a lot over the past 10 days, aforementionedly (not a word?) drunk for 70% of it (not true... not not true either), and I've simply been too drunk and/or hungover and/or distracted to sit down for a little chat; and (3) the only bright spots in my sports world are a surging team in a still ignored league (for now) and an utterly unproven team in the best league in America (for now). Forgive me if I don't jump for joy at the prospect of dwelling on shit that makes me contemplate a swift union between my fist and Fred Wilpon's balls.
But more on those Mets in a few. I can't lead of this trainwreck with that much heartache.
Can't you tell this is going to be FUN??? I'm bored and drunk on a train and you all get the fruits of my labor!
Wait... we need music.
 I'm bitter. I get to say what I want. The ScizzAm I sore loser? Fuck to the yes I am! After the Buffalo Bills failed to show up today, and the shitty NFL officiating crews continued their streak of...um...shitty officiating, I felt like I should take this time to make some comments about the 27 - 11 embarrassment of loss to the New York Felons. Also, if you make it through all of my nonsense you'll see I recorded a post-game podcast with Joe from Buffalon Wins tonight. It's kind of like the CrapTastiCast, except with real intelligence and sports talk, and a lack of dick and rape jokes. Also, every image break will be a Jets mugshot this week.  Santonio scores TD's and beats women! Yay for him! -Ryan Fitzpatrick has shown why, although better than Trent Edwards, we as fans must still get use to these occasional games of terrible INT's and questionable throws. I love the balls that the bearded wonder has, but the guy has to throw the ball away sometimes. This "Fuck it, I'm throwing long" Rex Grossman mentality is going to bite the Bills in the ass. HOWEVER, this same mentality is why the guy is on pace to throw for more yards than any Bills QB in 15 years. Give and take....give and take.
-I stand by my previous Mark Sanchez comments. The guy is not that good. In fact, the Jets won IN SPITE of him. Take away those fucking awful pass interference calls (except the McGee one, that was bad) and Sanchez probably is not in position to throw one TD.
-I hope LT shreds his ACL sooner rather than later. DISPROPORTIONATE RESPONSE!
-Why does Chan continue to only get Freddie Jackson involved every other week? Even the Scizzette looked at me in confusion this week and asked why he doesn't get to run the ball more. I could only shrug my shoulders. Dude is having an MVP year and averaged 5 yards a carry in the first half, and the team continues to gun the ball at an undersized Donald Jones. C'mon Chan! Give him the god damn ball!
-David Nelson and Scott Chandler need more looks underneath. That is all.
-I should mention right now that I am a know-it-all fan whose only football experience is numerous undefeated seasons on Madden from 1997 - 2006, and two years of PONY football in Franklinville, NY.
-THE OFFICIATING AGAINST SMALL MARKET TEAMS IN THE NFL WHEN THEY ARE PLAYING BIG MARKETS IS ABSOLUTELY VOMIT INDUCING AND I STAND BY THIS. GEORGE WILSON WAS ROBBED AND ANYONE WHO DISAGREES WITH SUCH CAN LICK MY TAINT AND ROT IN HELL.
-Aaron Maybin still sucks.
-I know I mentioned Jackson, Chandler, and Nelson, but why aren't the Bills using more of their weapons? Where were Brad Smith and C.J. Spiller? What about Jonathan Linton and Tim Tindale? Russell Copeland? Is anyone else enjoying these random Bills offensive player mentions? No? Ok, I'll stop.
-Still standing by this O-line. Fitz wasn't hurried too much and Jackson had some decent holes considering the defensive prowess of the Jets.
-This team has to beat the Cowboys next week. I cannot handle two straight losses to shitbag teams that I despise.  You would look this pissed off too if you just shot yourself in the leg. Now that I have that nonsense off my chest, take a listen to Joe (from Buffalowins.com) and I talking about several of these same points, as well as many others. The dude is on his game. I'll leave you with the following facts: -Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg and was arrested and convicted of illegal gun charges.-Santonio Holmes assaults women.-Antonio Cromartie has a NINE kids with EIGHT women over SIX states. And the Jets pay his child support. POSITIVE RE-ENFORCEMENT! -Mark Sanchez enjoys 17 year old high school girls.-Dustin Keller stabbed his mother and later blogged about it. (No Link Available) Follow me @TheScizz
The ScizzI started with a cheap shot foot joke at Rex Ryan this week. So what? I don't want to be original. I want to be a mean spirited guy that makes fun of other's shortcomings, so I say fuck him and his clogged arteries. I WANT VICTORY!!! In my week 9 Bills preview, I have decided to very simply break down all the things I LOVE about the Bills so far this year and HATE about the Jets. After last week's performance, the Bills deserve no animosity from me, however, that could all change this week BECAUSE IF THEY LOSE TO THE JETS I WILL DISOWN THEM AS A FRANCHISE AND MOVE TO CANADA! NOTHING LESS WILL BE ACCEPTED AAAAAAHHHH RAAAAAAAAAAGE STOOOOOOOOOOORM I HATE THE JETS!!!! Before I blow a gasket, let me count the ways I adore the 2011 Buffalo Bills: 1. Fred Jackson is arguably the best running back in the NFL this season and should be a legitimate early MVP contender. Of course Aaron Rodgers, Calvin Johnson, and Patrick Willis are getting all of the attention, as well they should be, but blowhards on the radio and ESPN are talking up Eli FUCKING Manning as an early candidate. Just stop. Seriously. Jackson has already rushed for 721 yards, with 1074 yards from scrimmage in ONLY SEVEN GAMES! Toss in a 5.5 yards per carry average and 6 TD's and that's pretty fucking incredible. The only other RB's that even touch him this year are AP (Vikings suck), and Matt Forte (Mike Martz). As mentioned on this week's CrapTastiCast, Freddie is by far the best RB this team has had since Thurman, and the organization needs to lock him up NOW! If the team makes the playoffs, hence lifting my ban of purchasing Bills merchandise, #22 is an easy purchase....after he extends his contract. 2. Marcell Dareus is going to be a beast for years to come. Yachtsman touched on this earlier in the week, so I won't exhaust it, but JESUS H. CHRIST did you see him move out there last Sunday? I don't give a shit if it was the Redskins or any other team, franchise players dominate bad teams. That's what he did, and I want to kiss him on the mouth. Picture that....go ahead, do it. You know you want to. 3. The collective of random players making big plays is mind blowing. Fitzy and Stevie Johnson have become quite the impressive combo, but how about Scott Chandler and his 6 Touchdowns? How did Chan and Buddy find this guy? CHANDLAARS!!!! Throw in David Nelson, Naaman Roosevelt, George Wilson, Kirk Morrison, Bryan Scott, and I could keep going. Gotta love the Goonies. 4. The offensive line is the most ridiculously over-achieving group of players I have ever seen. Even with Demetrius Bell resting, the group has created a fortress of solitude around the Amish Rifle, the likes of which no one has seen in Buffalo since 1994. Can you name all the starters? Here they are: Andy Levitre, Jim Richter, Mike Ludders, Fred Dukes, and a marble pillar. The more you know.
SMART
Now onto the Jets hate. Fuck 'em.
1. The fans (for the most part) are cut from the mold of satan's asshole. Besides a few close friends who know football, it is next to impossible to have intelligent conversations with these monsters. Every time I travel to the Meadowlands or watch football in New York, I get Johnny Pepperoni and big Sal telling me how great the Jets are, and how the Bills and everybody else in the NFL suck, despite them only knowing that Mark Sanchez is their QB, Rex Ryan is the coach, and bunch of black guys they would normally hate are the rest of the team. Yes, I'm calling many of them racist. Head to the Meadowlands, you'll see.
Remember how much these guys loved Eric Mangini? The Mangenius? Remember all of the shit talking these fuckheads did when he was the coach? Another rage storm approaching....
The worst part is that this fat fuck Rex Ryan has bumped up their sense of accomplishment. I don't mind fans being confident in their team, BUT ONLY IF THEY CAN BACK IT UP!!!! If you can't name the starting defense or even know the name of your coordinators, then get the fuck away from me and go back to watching Soprano's re-runs and talking about how you could beat up Ronnie from Jersey Shore. Uh oh.....RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE STOOOOOOOOOOOOOORM!!!!!!!!!
This Deeg interlude brought to you by a crying, steroid fueled d-bag
Alright, I"m better now. I swear. Deeeeeeeeeeeep breath, and here we go: 2. Darrelle Revis is so fucking good it makes me angry. I'm not sure how to justify this, but the guy is the game changing coverage corner that I have always wanted the Bills to find. Having him on the field gives the Jets an insane boost, no matter who they are playing. I WANT HIM ON MY TEAM GOD DAMMIT! Oh wait, we have Leodis. Joy. 3. Mark Sanchez is slightly better than Trent Dilfer. He is not a star QB. He is a good looking asshole who knows how and when to say the right things, but as a player he does "just enough". The reason that Baltimore won a Super Bowl in 2001 was their defense and running game, and that's how the Jets manage to succeed (although the running game has struggled the last couple of seasons). Trent Dilfer's job was to not screw up; same as the role Sanchez has taken. Sure, he has shown flashes of star power, but overall the guy is mediocre. This isn't a bad thing for the Jets, but the fans, media, and his teammates need to stop treating him like super star. He's no Browning Nagle. 4. I hate Rex Ryan. I hate his fat face. I hate his dumb foot fetish. I hate his loudmouth predictions that nobody holds him accountable for. I hate his doofy smile. I hate his brother. I hate the fact he gave up on his team and talked shit about them, yet when THEY turned it around, he took all of the credit. I hate that he is a known horse rapist. I hate that he laughed when Steve Jobs passed away. I hate that he drinks Cosmopolitans. I hate that he runs a dog fighting ring. And finally, I hate that he never even considered coaching the Bills. But that no longer matters because Chan is the man! Until a blowout loss tomorrow, and then of course I move to Canada and start my new Toronto sports themed blog, Dear Lord, what aboot us, eh? (Or enter your own bad Canadian joke here)
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