In the wake of such a joyous victory, it’s probably no surprise that it’s taken a little longer to get a recap up. Words are simply insufficient to express the happiness with which I take every step throughout the Tri-State knowing that my beloved squad has vanquished such an annoying and petulant team from the nether regions of Douchebagistan, New Jersey.
Either that, or the Apologist offered to do the recap and then got burnt out by over-thinking it and now I am diligently picking up his fucking predictable slack.
That really was a great game. The first of its kind this year: a convincing win by the Bills; the result never really in doubt beyond half time. Sure, many fans, including a few in my living room, expected the game to fall apart when the Jets finally put a touchdown on the board, but those efforts by Gangrene, excuse me Gang_Green, were woefully insufficient compared to the kind of day Buffalo was having. Fucking unreal, totally unexpected, and still has me tingling from head to toe a day and half later.
Bullet points await!!
Monsieur Shorts de Bonaire - @Boner_Shorts - Deeg Guest Contributor
Yesterday afternoon, I was listening to The Sports Hub in MA wanting to hear more about the Richie Incognito fiasco taking place in Miami. I tuned in to the Gresh and Zo show, featuring Andy Gresh and Scott Zolak. Andy Gresh’s name probably doesn’t ring a bell, but those of us who would choose Backup Quarterbacks in the NFL During the 90s as a category on Jeopardy might recognize Scott Zolak’s name. He played most notably for New England and Miami. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride, but he does a passable job of waving the pom poms during lunch for Boston sports on the radio. Gresh is a big fat guy who played D1A football in Rhode Island somewhere.
So, given this pedigree, I thought it would be an interesting take on this locker room situation. Both of the hosts know first hand what it’s like to be in a football locker room. They of course started with the “using racial slurs is crossing the line” tack, which really isn’t that hard to take. So they certainly set up Incognito as the one clearly at fault here. He’s the bad guy. But then something interesting started happening: a not so subtle start to discredit, and borderline assign BLAME to Jonathan Martin in all of this. It first began with Zolak asking the question, “Does Martin want to play football? We always talk about how Belichick only gets guys who have football as their first priority (ahem… well, besides murdering people). If he can’t handle this stuff, is he really putting football as something important to him?” And then? They start in on his education and his parents. “He went to Stanford. Both of his parents are lawyers. He’s got other options in life, he was just given a gift of size so he decided to play football.
Later in the day, I see Bert Breer tweet out the lawyer parent thing as well. Why tweet out their professions? What bearing does that have in this case and how is that information being used by readers beyond what appears to be a subtle attempt to suggest that his parents’ careers somehow reveal a character flaw of Martin’s? Where is the tweet informing us all of Incognito’s parents’ careers? (fwiw, his dad's a mason and if I wanted I could make all sorts of baseless insinuations about that if I wanted to be an asshole). It’s almost to say that “pfft… Martin’s parents are lawyers… it figures that a little pussy like that couldn’t stand up for himself. He can do the white collar thing like his parents, he's just quitting because that other stuff is
easier. He obviously doesn't want it enough.
This was WAY too easy to find, god bless you internet and god bless us, everyone!
Well I'll be fucking damned. I slept off some Pabst and the wonderful emotion of a road, divisional win and, yep, I'm a touch hungover but still fucking amped at what we all saw yesterday. Well, not quite all of us. Some of us turned it off sometime late third early fourth quarter because, well, there really is no reason to believe that this team will win a close game. Those of us in this category are stupid, jaded assholes since, these days, there's also really no reason to believe they'll lose a close game either. Predictions are thrown out the window with Jerry Sullivan's racist testicles - legit, they're a three (three??) person hate group as per the Southern Poverty Law Center, read a book or something - and we have yet another game to show that this team can not only hang with the league's supposed best, but are capable of surprising some of those squads along the way.
Going into New Orleans next week, even if there is no reasonable hope that the Bills can pull a win out of their collective asses, this team has firmly established itself as a squad able to put together a decent game of football every week, regardless of their opponent, and keep their fans glued to the TV wondering which way the result might go.
This is fun as hell.
During the 2013 Buffalo Bills season, the Scizz will be writing weekly game previews that will ruin your entire weekend. The last two seasons saw him using quotes from The Big Lebowski and Super Troopers to convey his feelings for this crapfire of a franchise. This year he'll be choosing quotes from many of his favorite films to get the point across. As always, it's 25% football, 70% useless garbage, and 5% luchador gambling picks. Here we go.....
Well that was silly, wasn't it? I sat here in front of the keyboard for a solid 15 minutes before I knew what to say first. After thinking about it I figured I would just share this picture:
That picture was taken just seconds after E.J. Manuel hit Stevie Johnson for the game-winning score. From Left to right standing is Joe from BuffaloWins.com, the Apologist, his brother Drew, & the Barrister. The schmuck sitting in front of them is me.
Let me preface this by saying that a minute later I was up and dancing with the rest of the fools, but in that moment....I couldn't cheer. I couldn't yell, I couldn't jump up and down, I couldn't fist pump like my lovely Jersey wife was surely doing. In that moment I was frozen. I never planned on just sitting there after the big play, in fact moments before I was bracing myself with a hand on Barrister's shoulder ready to react to either heartbreak or football ecstasy. Yet, when it all went down I couldn't move. I was frozen and just kind of sat there in disbelief, taking in the moment. I barely moved for about 30 seconds, simply soaking in this moment where E.J. Manuel became our hero. Right after I tweeted that this was the moment for E.J. to make us love him....he did. And the reaction of the crowd was nothing short of spectacular. Just youtube McFadden's/Bills/Panthers and watch the numerous videos (many of which with me, dancing like an asshole). Yeah, Ryan Fitzpatrick and J.P. Losman had some great last second wins, but something about this felt different.
Am I going to get over excited and start yelling playoffs?? Fuck to the no. This is STILL the Buffalo Bills after all. But....BUT....seeing this team march down the field like that, penalty or not, and snag victory was something I can hold onto this season no matter what comes next. Go Bills.
Now onto to the Jets. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck the Jets. As it says in the title, I fart in the general direction of the Jets and their fans. With the exception of maybe a handful of semi-normal friends who happen to enjoy wearing that vomit/snot colored jersey, I loathe everything about the Jets. So much so, that on Sunday, while I will be tailgating my ass off with DGWU Sports & friends, I won't be staying for the game. At 3ish I'll be high-tailing back to the comfort of my downstairs bar to watch the game in peace, away from that hell-hole and the demonic fans that inhabit it. Last year was the last straw for me. When some Jets fans started berating an elderly Bills couple, and Yachtsman tried to interfere, not physically mind you, security rushed over and tried to throw HIM out. What followed was one of the greatest moments in drunken lawyering ever witnessed. The Barrister absolutely hypnotized the security guards, yelling at them about how liable they will be for kicking out fans, who by all means were just helping an old couple being abused by the local fans. Security basically said "watch yourself" and walked away. The man was hammered and he didn't reason with them, he belittled them and we still got to stay. Amazing.
(Barrister here: I remember this going down a very different way, but hey, beers
I should also mention (humblebrag approaching) that another reason I'm not staying for the game is the fact I'll be running 13.1 miles that morning in the Newport half marathon in Jersey City. I'll then be going straight to the tailgate after a quick shower, so I'm not exactly sure how my body is going to respond. Probably terribly, hence another reason to be close to home after ripping fireball shots for three straight hours. But if you happen to live near JC, come out and watch me rock my #SupportSally
shirt during the race. Store716
was gracious enough to print a running shirt for me with the logo.
But yeah anyways, fuck the Jets and onto the lists:
Oh good day, you pathetic little imbecile. You have apparently seen it fit to consult with the Deeg for fantasy advice. This tells me a couple things: a) you’re awesome and I love you; b) you get fucked in fantasy harder than Tori Black... in... my fantasies. But fret not you damnedable bottom dweller - I, THE WILD CARD - will put an end to your shit-sucking ways and put some confidence and money in your pipe with which you can smoke... it.
So I’ve compiled a list of pointers - a 16-step program (one for each round - get it?!) that will allow you to perform at least as well as myself in your fantasy league (2nd place if you're lucky) (me, “perform” HA!). Now, this isn’t meant to be some bible about fantasy football strategy or some analytical system that’ll show you where the value is in the draft, or whether you should draft a QB or a RB first. If you want that shit, give Matthew Berry a handie and be sure his dick is pointing directly at your brain as he climaxes. You know. For maximum absorption of his genius.
No, to be perfectly frank, I’m just in the mood to fuck with you. See, last week I was locked out of my parents home, and - stricken with boredom while I sat on dirty plastic outdoor furniture - I volunteered my services for fantasy advice and no one took me up on the offer! Not one! So I decided to write this shitty thing. Here’s the deal. Some of these 16 tips are actually good advice. Others are not! BWAHAHAHAH.... HAH.
WHY SO SURIOUS?!?
16. Pat LaFontaine sayeth “thou shalt not wait until 16 to take a kicker.” Yea, Thou, you fuckin idiot. You know who was the leading scorer of the Packers last year? Well, it was Aaron Rodgers. But AFTER Aaron Rodgers it was... OK, it was Randall Cobb and Jordy Nelson and Jimmy Jones, but after THEM it was Mason Crosby! And he, like, sucks man. The point is that kickers score a ton of points, dude, so you better get a good one. I’m not saying you should take Sebastian Janikowski in the 1st round, but... maybe the 11th?
15. Join as many leagues as you can. It’s a numbers game. The more leagues you’re in, the better your odds of winning one. Plus it’s more fun. I mean. would you rather pay a ton of attention to 2 leagues or just set a dozen lineups every Sunday? Duh. Plus, if you only do a couple leagues then you can’t draft every player in the game. I mean, last year, you would’ve had to known ahead of time that Adrian Peterson was going to be a stud to draft him. But if you’re in a dozen leagues, chances are you grabbed him in at least one of them!! #championship
14. Make sure you only join leagues with really weird scoring systems. No points for kickoff return yards? No thanks. No drafting defensive players? See ya. No bonus points for 50+ yd field goals? Go suck a fuck. Join one of these cookie cutter “standard” leagues and you’ll just be sitting around cheering for touchdowns. There’s a lot more to this game called “futbol americano.” Embrace it.
I feel like writing, so will invent topics by musing on this hilarious world of ours and making jokes to keep me sane. And since I'm on a work/pleasure trip to Buffalo tomorrow and intend to have too much fun with the pleasure portion of my visit - i.e. anime porn, if you're interested - I won't be available much, and today it must be.
Bills training camp started, so a huzzah and merry almost football to you and yours. Professional catch and run ball is pretty great, except when it actually starts and we find ourselves enveloped again in an existential crisis of suck.
BUT THIS COULD BE THE YEAR. So they tell me; "they" being pretty much anyone willing to forget the past and start fresh, though for them it happens every year and EJ Manuel, by implication, sits in the same storied and shit-upon position as Trent and Fitz and JP and Robbie J and Bledsoe and even Levi Brown for a quick minute which tells you all you need to know about what it takes to be a Buffalo quarterback and ride the wave of foolish optimism that is being a fan of a Bills team with the shittiest wagons making the shittiest circle.
Related: when the Bills circle their wagons, rumor has it, a parallel dimension of this world is invaded by Cybermen and it's all really terrible until Rose Tyler appears and remains smoking hot as she saves the motherfucking day.
Whatever, have at the hope if you want to. It's sports. Have fun. EJ, jokes aside, is certainly less saddled with the cursed history of Buffalo football than the rest of us, so maybe he'll be fine. He's looked seriously good in these first few days of camp, if Buffalo sports writers are to be believed (they're not), but the stark contrast of his game when set against Kevin Kolb may be distorting everyone's perspective.
Calm down, and as mentioned, supra, Go Bills.
What a crazy week. /understatement
Even putting aside the up and down big ticket decisions out of United States Supreme Court this week, and even putting aside that crazy filibuster down in Texas that had us all riveted in a way politics rarely does unless it involves dick pics and/or unruly ejaculate, and even putting aside a bereft Paula Deen trying to rehabilitate her image by lying and crying on The Today Show, it was a crazy week. Even just looking at what's happened in sports, and even just Boston sports, and even just Boston sports that are professional American football.
This is the
story of the sports world this week. I don't care that the Hawks just won another title or that the Heat won another, too, or that Wimbledon has been nutty, or that the Washington Redskins continue to hold onto their logo and name in a way that is nothing short of astonishing. Oh, and I didn't follow the NBA Draft but I hear there was a lot going on and that someone ate some Mike and Ikes.
An NFL player - and a pretty high profile one at that - killed a man. And may have killed others. I know there haven't been any convictions yet, but I'm not willing to dwell on suspicions of innocence when the facts give me none.
Every reporter who covers football should care about this. Every fan of pro football should care about this. If you're talking about the story, there is plenty to delve into: explaining the potential motives, sorting through Hernandez's past, speaking with family and friends, digging for information about that 2012 drive-by. All of this comes with the caveat that "Hernandez as villain" is the story. Hernandez as apart
from the rest of us - the people who haven't taken it upon themselves to take the life of another.
Sorting through it all is an exercise in trying to find an explanation for some terrible fucking things that have happened, and to adequately frame Hernandez as man and as killer.
This is how we get right. We can do it callously or patiently or quietly or any way we really want. We must respect the victim(s), surely, and hold them up in any way we can. But we owe nothing to the man and killer. He owes us - the society with which he had and broke a sacred social contract - everything.
An eventual conviction and sentence will return Hernandez, in a legal sense, to an equilibrium with society. In a social sense, though, our collective "working through it" is how we get that equilibrium to be real.
The accuracy of this exercise is important, too. It's important to ensure, as we sort through the facts and form opinions about the man and killer, that we don't get bogged down with items far on the periphery. That, in reaching our solution, we don't fall into the trap of bringing other issues into our criticism; other issues that are simply too dissimilar to merit comparison with Hernandez's act on equal terms. Indeed, making anything else the story now, and using the Hernandez case as a springboard, is beyond asinine. It is intellectually reckless.
So when Mario Williams instagrammed a "Grand Theft New England"
picture with Hernandez's head photo-shopped on, there is a necessity that those who might comment on it do so in a way that respects the only acceptable frame: Hernandez killed a guy and the rest is just noise in comparison.
What we got, though, was an object lesson in how "journalists" get so wrapped up in finding and creating a story that the words they write are nothing more than alphabetic vomit.
Wow. Weekdays suck. I started my week with a crapload of work all jammed together like the Buffalo News Sports staff trying to ride an elevator together, then followed it with a bunch of exhaustion, and now the week is almost done and I figured I'd scrap together a few thoughts to impart to you before the weekend. Why? Because fuck you that's why.
Join me. And imagine me saying that in as non-creepy was as possible.
Is that Meatloaf in Fight Club?
The Buffalo Bills should have re-signed Andy Levitre and I'm terrified that this will come back to haunt the organization. Am I overreacting? Most likely. I do that. But as it stands right now I'm pretty bummed about what I feel is the strongest unit on the team falling apart.
Before I get started, it should be said that there is the chance that Levitre wanted out of Buffalo no matter what was offered to him. Perhaps the Bills front office did in fact offer Levitre a huge contract comparable or even larger than what Tennessee gave him, but he simply wanted out of the playoff death trap that is the Buffalo Bills. Maybe all of the reports about Buffalo not contacting him at all were erroneous. I admit this is possible, however it does not change the fact that Levitre is gone, and it doesn't matter whether it was because they didn't try hard enough to re-sign him, or if the team's constant failure was the major factor. Either way, the fault falls on the front office. Onto my actual rant.
8 million dollars a year for Andy Levitre is A LOT of money. I get it. Yet, in the last 10 years, myself and many other semi-intelligent football fans have been clamoring for the Buffalo Bills to bolster their defensive and offensive lines. It finally happened. Despite this team's failure last season, the Bills have developed Kyle Williams, drafted a beast in Marcel Dareus, and signed big name free agents Mario Williams and Mark Anderson....now we just need them to put a full season together. At least the talent is THERE.
On the other side of the ball, the offensive line had finally become a bright spot on the team. It is no secret that I loved me some Joe D'Alessandris
. He was one of the only coaches I wanted back in Buffalo from 'the coach that shall not be named' regime. He did a great job with his players. Cordy Glenn struggled late season but has shown tons of promise as a 2nd round pick. Erik Pears has become a waiver wire steal and has played great, as well as his back-up Chris Hairston, who I have said said before has the talent to start in the league. Eric Wood is obviously a top-tier center (besides the injury issues, but more on that later), and I have a weird obsession with Kraig Urbik after watching him flatten linebackers while blocking for Spiller. That leaves Andy Levitre, who has anchored this line for four straight seasons without missing a game. That is the key stat that has been overlooked here. On a team that has been decimated by injuries EVERY SEASON (especially on the offensive line), Levitre has been a rock, playing at every position and playing well (except at center, that was an absolute disaster). Has he struggled occasionally? Yes. Is he overrated? No. On a team this bad, that still managed to have great run AND pass blocking, how can he be overrated? I honestly don't understand this. I've tried finding game clips of him royally fucking up, or in-depth articles about how he has been a failure, but I turned up absolutely nothing. Andy Levitre has been a great player for this team and he should still be a part of it.
Front office success!
Front office failure!
On the other hand, there seems to be a large contingency of people who disagree with me. The whole, "well guards are deep in the league so a cheaper replacement will be easy" argument is one of the reasons this franchise sucks so fucking bad. Wait....we have a guy who is solid at his position? Never missed a game? A leader in the locker room? Well, we can probably find somebody marginally less talented for a lot cheaper so let's do that!
Fuuuuuuuuuuuck thaaaaaaaaaaaat. He did his job and he did it well, but all of sudden Joe fanbase thinks he will be overpaid? And miraculously you think this 872 year old GM and cocksucker Russ Brandon KNOW what they are doing? Good for you. I have some lakefront property I'd like to joke that everyone has made I'll shut up now with that.
You overpay for good players. You just do. If you want to be a contender in the NFL I truly think that needs to happen (sweeping generalizations, anyone?). So instead of giving Levitre a big contract that he earned, the Bills dump more money into a former 1st round pick CB who has only become serviceable as a punt returner/dime back and another underachieving linebacker that no other team wanted. (Manny Lawson sounds like a swell guy, but no other team even had him on their radars. I read seven different articles about the top 50-100 free agents on the market and not ONE named him, except a single honorable mention.) Speaking of lists, I realize that they have become somewhat arbitrary, but Levitre was also top 5-10 on every single one I could google up. They can't all be dummies, right? O.K. don't answer that.
The other argument I see, is that the Bills need to save the money so they can re-sign impending UFA Eric Wood next year. Really? I mean for real? Like real deal Evander Holyfield? (I'm sorry) Remember when this team let Antoine Winfield walk so they could save money to re-sign Nate Clements? Both of them left. And even if the Bills did convince Clements to come back, Winfield has by far (I'd say about 6,428 miles) out-played his former teammate in their post-Buffalo careers. I absolutely hate this argument. Like, post-lockout hockey fan hate. On top of that, you're telling me the team should save money to re-sign a guy who has yet to put together a full season. This is also a player that has suffered more than one severe injury in his short career, and my counterparts think the money should be invested in him because Center's are harder to find. No. Just no. I like Eric Wood and believe he has long term Pro Bowl potential IF he can stay healthy....but that hasn't happened yet. The guy could be one year away from Brad Butler status and that is not a chance I want to take when I have a healthy starting guard sitting on my roster.
And of course, to top things off the Bills also lost Chad Rinehart to the San Diego Chargers this week, thus losing one possible "cheap replacement" option for Levitre. I'm willing to wait a little longer and see what happens in the rest of free agency, but right now I have feeling that the organization, and us as fans are going to find out that we didn't know what we had til it was gone. I hope I'm wrong, I really do. Until then, get ready for David Snow. UNLIMITED INFORMER/GAME OF THRONES JOKES FOR EVERYBODY! /goes on instagram because deep down I miss twitter
You can hassle me on twitter @TheScizz
but right now I'm taking a sabbatical so you'll be ignored.
As sports observers, in an effort to make ourselves feel that sports are more significant than they are, maybe, we often look for a moral component to weave into the narrative. We look at the field of play, of course, and then the life off the pitch. We search for a quality, or even just a moment of a perceived quality, where a player becomes emblematic of the evil guy you believe/want him to be.
Hating guys is often less trouble, since there's not the kind of risk that goes hand in hand with watching your beloved hero inevitably fail. In football, the guys I've always hated most have been good. Very good. Brady, Revis, Marino, Emmitt. Above all, we hate guys because they're good. Because they've made a habit of making our squad look like bitches. Because hating them is so much fun.
Hating a player for being good alone is rarely enough fun, though. Sometimes you just need a heel. The moral component of a guy being utterly terrible is often a necessity. Watching a sport, especially one as infuriatingly inconsistent with its rules as the NFL, is easier with a heel; a guy you can verbally douche upon with a moral righteousness to go with your over-consumption of Pabst and/or whiskey and/or ESPN. The heel allows you to swim in an Olympic-sized pool of sanctimony as we moralize over the lives of men we pay to subject themselves to repeated blunt force trauma. It allows all of it to seem more than what it probably really is: utterly insignificant and arguably inhuman in its brutality.
All of this, I guess, is to say that it's probably no surprise that we moralize over the life of Ray Lewis as he wins a second Super Bowl and tries to leave a troubled past behind. It's how we moralize, and what we're willing to abandon in doing so, that has been bothering me for the past couple weeks.