Tomorrow night the longest lockout shortened season in the history of sports is coming to an end. Seriously, it’s only been three months; I have the schedule in front of me and everything. If you want highlights only, this will be a quick read for you: season opener, three Boston wins, comeback against Montreal, snapping Pittsburgh’s win streak. There, you can go back to whatever it was you were doing before you got here; I’m only writing this because the Wild Card is some sort of wunderkind and I’m feeling inadequate. Actually I’ll give you one more highlight: waking up at the gate in JFK at 7:30am after Occupy Newark, surrounded by dozens of people with only hazy recollection of how I got there. Probably should have just taken Scizz’s couch invite instead of taking a cab to the airport at 4am, but I am thankful for whatever TSA agent kindly let me through security.
That still-intoxicated confusion amongst the chaos of a crowded airport terminal is indicative of the season we just watched. What happened? Why was everything so terrible? Why am I still wearing this Vanek jersey? Well, I watched nearly every game and I don’t have the slightest goddamn clue. All I know is this is the first season I didn’t see a win in person since 2003-2004 and I’ve spent nearly all of those seasons in between living hours away. Well that, and that there were many specific things that came together like some sort of horrifying, malevolent Captain Planet to ruin our evenings three times a week.
At first I was just going to list all the things that were horrible about this season but as I got to eleven it struck me that first, with enough time this list could go on perpetually as if I was writing out the decimals in pi, looking for an end, and second, I wanted to identify what was worse than all the others; what, when matched up against the other “worst” things on the list, made the others look better. Think of this like a Bill Simmons' NBA trade value column, except you’ve heard of these names and I don’t get paid for it. To properly settle this, I decided to seed the eight worst entities about this season and match them up in a tournament format to see what exactly would come out on top (bottom?), along with my analysis.
To the seedings: 9 (Honorable Mention): John Scott
- I definitely bitched about his presence on the ice more than some of the things found below, but when compiling this list I felt he may have gotten a bad rap from me. First, we all knew coming in he wasn't skilled at hockey. Two, it wasn't his decision to put him in the lineup constantly, leaving talented- err, less awful
players scratched. However, he would have cracked my top 8 if it wasn't for his photobombing post-game interviews
late in the season. So, thanks to some stellar off-ice moves, Scott does not make the most hated tournament. But seriously, get the fuck off my team now. 8) Jochen Hecht:
I’m not sure what I hate more, his complete ineptitude on offense, the rare moments when that ineptitude disappears, or the fact that everyone involved in making organizational decisions loves this guy for reasons beyond understanding. Ruff, Regier and Rolston have raved about this statue and I haven’t the slightest fucking clue. Giving Hecht top line minutes was effectively hoping for a 1-0 win or a 2-1 overtime loss, and despite this I STILL don’t trust them to cut ties after this season. He’s a fucking 80’s horror villain. Go away. 7) Drew Stafford:
Fuck Drew Stafford. Thanks for those two shootout goals I guess, dickface. 6) The Buffalo News:
This is primarily a credit to their belief that all the teams ills would have been solved if the owner had commented about Regier or the Pominville trade. Watching them slowly melt down during the season into petulant children was pretty funny when I wasn’t annoyed by the pettiness and lack of professionalism by people who actually do get paid to write for a living. Plus they’re fucking creepy. Solid dark horse as a six seed
Yesterday after posting my ode to NASCAR
which included a very detailed preview of all the three and four car teams in the series, the Yachtsman blog-bombs me by tossing up a post immediately after
. DAMMIT, THE SEVENTEEN PEOPLE WHO LIKE NASCAR AND READ THIS SITE DESERVE MORE RESPECT!!! /shot guns beer. //punches family member.
It's totally cool though. I get it. NASCAR is the uneducated, racist hick of the sports world, and I will never expect anybody to understand why I love it. But I have a blog, and I'm going to write about it all I want! (Said in very whiny voice). So strap in, strap on (wha?), and get ready for some racin'! Here is part two of a Redneck Jamboree, taking a look at all of the two car race teams, and those poor souls who only run one car. "READ MORE" to be knowledgified, college boy!
Are you as excited as this gentleman? I hope so.
Here at DGWU Sports, the Yachtsman hates many things, two of which are NASCAR and two part posts. I'm dropping both on the blogosphere today because what the fuck else is there to write about, the Buffalo Sabres? Fuck that. It's almost racing season and I have only written about the "sport" twice since we started this handicapped blog; once while previewing our Deeg road trip to Watkins Glen
(and the subsequent CrapTastiCast #14
) and my farewell to Formula One legend, Dan Wheldon.
I have taken the liberty of organizing the preview by NASCAR teams, which for all of you new or non-fans, means cars that all have the same owner....idiot. Today I'll take a look all the four and three car teams, and tomorrow I'll drop a much shorter look at the double and single car teams. You will also notice that as I present each team, I include the car number, final position in points at season's end, sponsor, last season's wins, and a little something called AvFn, or average finish. This stat has become very important in the new era of NASCAR due to the "Chase for the Cup", which serves a 10 race playoff systems in which the top 12 drivers get to qualify and race for the season championship. There many other details, but honestly, if you chose to read this, you probably already know them. LAZINESS! Anyways, AvFn has become a key stat because drivers are now more likely to focus on getting consistent top 10 finishes rather than push their car to the limit every race in order to win. Just think Ricky Bobby in Talladega Nights and you'll get the picture.
So with out further ado, I bring you the Redneck Jamboree: My 2012 NASCAR season preview. Read more if you dare....