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The Bills are still a football team, which really bums me out.  Fortunately I had Boner Shorts Day to look forward to this week and it was a great time.  The next day at work?  Not so much.  As promised, here is my answer to last week's question: "what's the worst thing someone has overheard you say."

To preface this, my 11th grade history teacher was a total cockbag.  He graduated from the school he teaches at, he was popular then, and then in his mid 30's he was still trying to relive his glory days.  He loved making us listen to him talk, mostly inane anecdotes he repeated often.  I think it was about the third time he launched into his "trip to Paris" story when he paused for dramatic effect and I leaned over to my friend/seatmate and said "Congratulations."  Problem: I said this in my normal speaking voice, not a whisper, cue class laughter.

Mr. Cockbag decides that this is a good place to lecture me for my sarcasm and cynicism   The joke was on him because he used both of those words incorrectly.  I knew he was pissy, so I didn't correct him so I wouldn't get detention.  

Epilogue: he goes to my church and the one time a year I see him he never speaks to me or my family, though we sit two pews away.  Assclown.

The Barrister

I don’t think my liver was really ready for that delightful mess of a game.

Defensive dominance? A special teams touchdown? Thrilling, last-minute interceptions? A 50/50 split of running and passing plays? Apologist buying round after round of preemptive victory shots, chased down by Lagunitas IPAs?

So. Much. Win.

As a new dad, and a Bills fan, I haven’t gotten many days or nights like that recently, and I’m not entirely sure I could handle it if one of my teams actually started to get good for once. I know the team is bad, and we’ll get to that, but fuck what a fun night. 

Which isn’t to say it wasn’t ugly.  After all, winning ugly – very ugly, mostly – appears to be the best we can reasonably expect from this enigma of a squad.  But, after putting together one of their most complete games of the year in Foxboro this past week, only to fall short when it mattered, the Bills took an early lead at home and cherished it like the rare commodity that it is. They ran the ball often relative to their track record, relied on their best player to get them the points they needed – albeit via field goals – and made sure not to disappoint a home crowd itching to get that primetime monkey off its back.

It honestly shouldn’t have worked, seeing as they’re a garbage team coached by a garbage Chan and owned by a garbage taint, but it’s not like the Universe doesn’t owe us a game like that every once in a while.  And even with the playoffs a supremely unlikely scenario for these Bills, a win is a win is a boy this team is not very good please god where is hockey?

Screw it.... On to the milquetoast takes!

The Wire

Round 1 (10):  CB Stephon Gilmore, South Carolina (6'0 190)
With Kuechly and Barron off the board, this pick came down to Michael Floyd or Gilmore.  While Floyd may have more upside, Gilmore was a safe selection and filled a need for the Bills' defense.  Gilmore has a good combination of size, speed, instincts, and leadership ability, and, based on his Scouting Combine performance, became a fast riser during the months preceding the draft.  He should pair with Aaron Williams next season to give the Bills a starting duo of big, young, aggressive cover corners.  With the recent release of Drayton Florence, Terrence McGee should assume nickel duty and can hopefully stay healthy with reduced reps. Grade:  B+


Round 2 (41):  OT Cordy Glenn, Georgia (6'5 345)
Many prognosticators had the Bills choosing between Jonathan Martin and Glenn with their first selection.  Conveniently enough for the Bills, they were faced with the same decision in the second round.  Glenn played OG, RT, and most recently LT during his college career.  Buddy Nix has been adamant that Glenn has the feet for LT and will compete with incumbent starter Chris Hairston to protect Ryan Fitzpatrick's blind side.  Glenn has great size and versatility and was graded as a top 5 offensive lineman in the draft.  This pick was great value for the Bills.
Grade:  A

Round 3 (69 from Redskins):  WR T.J. Graham, N.C. State (5'11 188) 
While more polished WRs may have remained on the board, the Bills moved up in the draft to select a relatively raw and inexperienced T.J. Graham in the third round.  (It is noted that dumping a 7th round pick in the deal may have been an attempt to consolidate picks more than anything else.)  The Bills opted for upside here as Graham, a former track star, clocked a better 40-yard dash time than Lee Evans (4.41).  Graham, who was graded as a 7th round prospect, can contribute immediately as a returner.  If he can improve his hands and route-running ability and add mass, Graham has the long-term potential to develop into a #2 deep threat to complement Stevie Johnson.  That being said, this pick was unquestionably the Bills' biggest reach in the draft. Grade:  C+ 

Round 4 (105):  OLB Nigel Bradham, Florida St. (6'2 241)
The Bills continued the trend of addressing need in the fourth round with the selection of Nigel Bradham. Bradham is powerful and tenacious, and was one of few prospects in the draft who projected to the position of 4-3 strong-side linebacker. He lead FSU in tackles for the past three seasons and can also run in coverage. Bradham is relatively raw as far as awareness, instincts and technique are concerned, but with advanced coaching, he has the natural talent and physicality to compete for starting time with incumbent starter Kirk Morrison.  As he develops, Bradham will have immediate impact on coverage units (Editor note in Borat voice: "I liiiike"). Grade: B+

Round 4 (124 from Ravens):  CB Ron Brooks, LSU (5'10 190) 
Brooks was an obscure prospect as his abilities at LSU were overshadowed by high profile players such as Patrick Peterson, Morris Claiborne, and Tyrann Mathieu.  He spent most of his college career as a special teams ace yet possesses the bulk, athleticism and natural instincts to develop as a cover corner as well as the speed to be an effective blitzer from the slot.  Brooks should contribute as a special teams gunner for the Bills during his rookie year. In fact, Bills coaches have commented that he may see time on all four special teams units.  This is a good value, diamond in the rough-type pick for the Bills. Grade:  A-
   

Round 5 (144):  OT Zebrie Sanders, Florida St. (6'5 320)
Another great value/need combo here.  While Sanders was inconsistent at Florida St. and struggled against speed rushers at the Senior Bowl, he has good technique and tremendous wingspan to develop into an NFL-caliber left tackle.  Bills coaches described Sanders as a developmental project, citing his strength and hand technique as areas for improvement.  Graded as a third round value, Sanders is not an elite prospect, but he offers natural size and ability which can be molded and refined with time.  As a rookie, Sanders will provide swing depth for the Bills at both right and left tackle. Grade:  B      

Round 5 (147 from Seahawks):  LB Tank Carder, TCU (6'2 236) 
Carder has been widely considered one of the top value picks in the draft.  He has good tackling ability, fluidity and short area burst and elite competitiveness, as well as instincts and awareness which are able to mask his relative lack of speed.  At 10 years old, Carder was a World BMX Champion. (Editor note: At 10 years old, the Scizz was still collecting G.I. Joes, Barrister was writing love letters to his teacher, Apologist was boring his friends with talk of existentialism in DC comics, and Yachtsman was learning what whiskey was)  At 13 years old, he suffered a punctured diaphragm, a collapsed lung, broken back, and needed two chest tubes after he was flung from a moving vehicle which ultimately rolled on top of him after striking a tree.  With an intriguing backstory in place, Carder excelled at TCU earning Defensive Player of the Game honors in the 2011 Rose Bowl.  Bills coaches project him as a weak-side linebacker, initially in a backup role to Nick Barnett.  As he adds bulk and strength at the point of attack, however, Carder projects long-term to the strong-side.  Grade:  A

Round 6 (178):  OG Mark Asper, Oregon (6'6 319) 
Asper is best known for performing the Heimlich maneuver on a man who was choking on a piece of meat at the 2012 Lawry's Beef Bowl (an annual event that precedes the Rose Bowl game).  (Editor note: I think the analysis should just end here, but that's my opinion) He is a high effort, blue collar player with average size, strength and speed. Despite his wide frame, he has very short arms which project him to OG.  Asper will compete with 2011 rookie Michael Jasper for a roster spot along the Bills' interior line. Grade:  C-

Round 7 (251 compensatory):  K John Potter, Western Michigan (6'1 219) Many fans including myself would prefer that the Bills opt for a sexier prospect, such as Vontaze Burfict or Kellen Moore (Editor note: Both are VERY sexy), with their compensatory selection.  No matter, this pick has sound logic. Potter was chosen simply because he has the ability to consistently send kickoffs out of the back of end zones.  If the Bills decide to keep two kickers, there is a niche to be had here. Grade:  C