The Yachtsman

ATTENTION: To the guy wearing the Harvard > Stanford Jersey @ McFadden's....I can't find your F'ing picture...send it to deargodwhyussports@gmail.com and I will post it here because it is the single greatest jersey foul ever. Also, our podcast file was corrupted, so our live CrapTastiCast 15 won't be available. Which blows. I think it was because I poured a pitcher on the laptop after David Nelson scored.

THE WIZARD BEARD HAD A GREAT 2ND WEEK

Get the shit outta town. No I'm fucking serious. Your Bills just came back from a 21-3 half time deficit to come back and win the home opener with :14 left on the clock. THESE ARE THINGS THAT DO NOT HAPPEN TO TEAMS EMBLAZONED WITH A VARIATION OF THE BISON LOGO. This is the kind of shit that happens when you click to the four o'clock game: " (cue awful monotone) JOE BUCK HERE, IF YOU'RE JUST JOINING US FROM THE BUFFALO - (INSERT TEAM HERE) BLOWOUT, WE'VE GOT A NAILBITER BETWEEN TWO PERENNIAL POWERHOUSES, ONE FOR THE AGES HERE. SOMETHING SANCTIMONIOUS"

One of for the ages does not happen in Orchard Park. At least not in recent memory. LET US ENJOY THIS RIDE WHILE IT LASTS BECAUSE JOY IS FLEETING AND SADNESS DRIPS FROM THE WALLS OF RALPH WILSON STADIUM LIKE GYPSUM FROM THE MINES OF WHATEVER REGION IS HEAVILY DEPENDENT UPON GYPSUM MINING.

The first half was fairly dismal for the Bills. Couldn't stop the run, corners were getting torched and gambling hard, and we got a little pass happy on the offensive side of the ball. I specifically remember screaming my "RUN THE BAAAAAAAALL" chant 247 times before the close of the 1st half. Still not sure what happened in the locker room, but the Bills did their best Tuffalo impression and the rest is Week 2 history.

Things I did not like:

- Leodis McKelvin had a tough day versus DeNarius Moore, as we all found out on that outlandish 50 yard bomb to put the Raiders ahead. All jokes aside though, that Moore kid looks like a baller.

- One day we will have a defense that successfully reads a screen pass. That day was not yesterday.

- They got a little pass happy in the first half, but then again it paid off as our offense turned into the '99 Rams in the 2nd. Although the rushing stats looked like receiving stats. Run the Ball? Or throw touchdowns. Either way.

- What happened to Shawne Merriman for long, dry spells out there yesterday? Is he injured? Meh, whatever we won.

Things I did like:

- Ryan Fitzpatrick's poise and leadership and every other quarterback cliche you can trove from thousands of lazy sportswriter Monday recaps over 100 years of organized football. Dude does a wonderful job at forward passing. 7 TDs through two weeks. Crazy pants.

- Running back controversy, Schmunning schmack schmontroversey (that was hard to write). Spiller had a nice day with 60+ in addition to Fast Frederick's monster day. Oakland D is not that bad either. 2nd Half Offense leads me to believe that we may be slightly (ONLY  SLIGHTLY) for real.

- The fact that we won is something I really like. Especially marching down the field with less than 2 to go. Get the fuck outta here, David Nelson.

The Pats look like they're old 2006-2007 selves again, with Brady throwing video game touchdowns at will. He's 60 yards away from 1,000 yards passing and we haven't even had Week 2's Monday Night matchup yet. Get the shit out of my house. Also the Law Firm of Ben Jarvus Green Ellis looks like a dreadlocked downhill machine....which is exactly what the Patriots need...MORE WEAPONS (some times I feel like they run the ball just because they feel they feel obligated to run due to tradition). The tight ends had a combined 11 catches for 148 yards and 3 touchdowns. Also, Deion Branch's corpse caught 8 balls for 129 yards. And Wes Welker still collects a paycheck. Kill me now.

Moral of the story? Let's enjoy the shit out of this week, oversleep on Sunday, and reconvene next Tuesday pretending Week 3 never happened. I think we'll all be healthier for it.

ACTUAL FOOTBALL WHAT HAVE YOU

Normally I'd be all gung ho to drop some footy knowledge on you, what with the Champions League Group Play beginning, the MLS Playoff picture shaping up, and several high profile rivalry derbies throughout the big European club leagues, but 2 Liverpool players were sent off en route to a 0-4 loss to Tottenham this weekend, so I'm not in the fucking mood.

It's a cultural thing though, Tony Dungy. No seriously, it is.

That's what they said in Europe in the '30s, you apologetic philistine.

I still hate you Michael Vick. I hope they throw batteries at the Ralph (HE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT NO HE DID NOT THAT IS HORRIBLE FOR SHAME).

Fine, not batteries, but gross things that will cause you much dismay.

The Scizz

I guess this is our week two preview of the 2011 Buffalo Bills season, but I'm not sure how much of a real preview it is. If you want your typical pre-game rundown, you can go to forty other Bills sites to get all your links to the same articles and posts about injuries and all that other bullshit. I could care less.

First things first. Everybody needs to calm the fuck down. I was just as excited as anybody else to see the madness that occurred last week, and I'd be a damn liar if I said that it had no effect on my outlook this week, but the Bills are a team that is still a looooooong ways away from making a major impact. I'm not trying to be a purveyor of doom, in fact, I pray to God that I'm wrong and this team cruises to a 11 - 5 season and a wild card birth. But this is still the same exact team that the majority of knowledgeable fans were predicting to go anywhere from 5 - 11 to 8 - 8 only a week ago. This team still has major issues, so sit back, take a deep breath, and R-E-L-A-X.

Are they better than we thought they were? Fuck to the yes. Am I telling you not to enjoy the game Sunday and be feel hopeless? No sir. All I am saying is stop with all this "Chan is taking us to the promise land" Bullshit, or even better, let's lock up Fitzpatrick to a long term deal. I love Fitzy. He is a goddamn gunslinger. He has a beard that makes Brian Wilson jealous (not the beach boy, Mom). He has maybe the greatest nickname in the NFL, "The Amish Rifle". However, Fitz has been anything but consistent in his career. Take a look at his stats from last season.

Take a look at week 3 and 4. Memorable games where Fitz looked like the man even despite the loss, right? Now look at week 5 and 6, where his numbers dip, and if you remember correctly, the offense was giving fans seizures of frustration with their inability to move the ball. Now remember back to the shellacking they gave Cincy in week 10. The following three weeks, Fitzpatrick was less than impressive. Sure, Buffalo almost won the Pittsburgh game, but the Amish Rifle also made some key mistakes that could have helped Buffalo avoid overtime, and thus the loss. Also keep in mind how awful he looked in week 15 against New England. Still has to face them twice this year.

My point, if not already painfully obvious, is that I think everyone needs to wait a few weeks before we start anointing this guy the next Jim Kelly. As fans, we jumped the gun with Flutie and Johnson. We jumped the gun with Bledsoe. And disgustingly, we jumped the gun with Trent Edwards. Let's all agree to just keep our feet on the ground for a few weeks before we go make some rash decision like trading Philip Rivers straight up for Fitzy in fantasy football, or maybe buying that $300 authentic game-day jersey from the Bills store. Baby steps people, baby steps.

This all brings me to my next point. IF this team continues to over-achieve and win big games, they are doing so IN SPITE of Ralph Wilson, not because of him. When he tries to take credit for any success this team might have this season, fans should drive to his office at One Bills Drive and collectively give him the finger....then drive home and mail him a box of human feces. Take a look at this gem he dropped on the Buffalo News yesterday:

"Buddy and Chan have done a fabulous job in identifying players that have been cut by other teams and working with them," he said. "They're doing a heckuva job. I'll tell you, we wouldn't be where we're at today if we had Buddy 10 years ago."

No shit, Ralph, you senile son-of-a-bitch. Maybe if you had any idea how a professional sports team is run we wouldn't be in this situation. GGGGRRRRRRRAAAAAARRRRR! Every time I read that quote I feel like smashing my head through a brick wall. I need scotch, hold on.......

Back. Now that I'm alcohol infused, I will try to get to the positive crap. After all, we are 1 - 0 and just got done beating a division winner 41 - 7. Not too shabby, and better than any realistic fan could have hoped for. Last week as the DGWU crew gathered in Yachtsman's man-cave, we watched in complete shock as this team looked like the real deal. On several occasions, captain naysayer himself repeated the lines "I don't like this. I'm not supposed to be this happy on Sundays". 

The best thing to come out of the whole game was the sheer effort the entire team put forth. You could see how hard the team was playing on every down. That hasn't been present on a Bills team in years. Dicky J's lackadaisical attitude screwed this team up big time, but now they finally appear to be moving on. Marcell "Biggie Smalls" Dareus and Kyle "random white rapper name" Williams were pushing lineman all over the field, Freddie Jackson tore up the ground like a starting RB should, and the receiving corp, oooooooooh the receiving corp! Fuck Lee Evans. Stevie Johnson is a stud, plain and simple. That is one comment I will not hold back on after that win. Lock that that kid up now. David Nelson is a mini-stud. The 6'5" bad-ass made some fantastic catches and should easily fill my prediction of over 50 catches and 6 TD's.  Finally, Scott Chandler is everything I have hoped and dream of since Pete Metzelaars left, and I'm begging for big things from the waiver wire pick-up.  Again, not getting too excited. everybody remember Mark Campbell's big, three touchdown game? 

This week's home opener should be interesting. Saying that Oakland is a much better team than Kansas City defensively is an understatement. Richard Seymour and Matt Shaughnessy are beasts off the line, and despite no Asomugha this season, veterans Chris Johnson and Michael Huff (if he plays) force QB's to take the secondary seriously.

On offense, Jason Campbell is nothing more than serviceable, but worse QB's have smoked our Bills before. It does help that top threat, Jacoby Ford is ruled out for the game. At least I think he is. I'm too lazy too check. The real problem will come from Darren McFadden and Michael BUSH BUSH BUSH! (Disclaimer: you will only get that last joke if you attended Binghamton University from 1999-2003. So that means maybe three of you)  Both players could give the defense fits. Keep in mind that Buffalo's offense last week allowed their own defense to face mostly pass plays due to K.C. being so far behind. Depsite that, Jamaal Charles still gained 56 yards on 10 carries. 5.6 per carry from the Raiders duo would spell doom for Buffalo. Best to avoid it and let Chris Kelsay take one for the team on the first play from scrimmage, and take a knee shot on McFadden. I'm O.K. with it if you are. Actually, I'm O.K. with it no matter what you think. 

I also asked the rest of the partners at DGWU for some pre-game comments. At the time I was ready to post, I only received a response from the Barrister. Surprise. The guy who has written our last three posts comes through again. Many similar, yet superiorly written thoughts follow:

"Scizz wants a pregame comment from the Barrister, huh? Jesus, dude, how lazy can you get? And if you cite work, I swear I will smack you right in that pretty face of yours. 
 
Moving on, as I must, I think this Bills game will come down to whether the Raiders run defense can be contained or, more to the point, whether the Raiders actually stick with it enough to give a talent like McFadden a chance to get going. Maybe the Bills run D is actually worlds better, but we don't know, because KC basically abandoned it (though, when  you're down 20 in the 2nd quarter, you kind of have a knife to your throat....or a tomahawk...fucking racist fucking team name...eat a dick Kansas. And you too, Missouri).  Oakland's O-Line is much better than the Chiefs, and if they start running all over the Bills, this could be a shit-show of an afternoon.  However, I think its pretty clear that the Bills offense is clicking in a big way, and I expect that it will be able to put enough points up on the board to give the team a chance to win. If those points go up early, the main test for the Raiders is going to be whether they stick with the running game enough to hurt the Bills, or whether they start relying on Jason Campbell's arm.  If they choose the Campbell option, Bills win. If they choose the running option, we'll see what kind of impact Dareus and Barnett actually have on this team.

 And finally, it should be noted that last time I went to McFadden's for a Bills game, I had seventeen beers and five plates of wings.  I was 25 years old.  Sunday is going to be an exploration in how badly I've aged.  Can't wait." 

Aw, he thinks I'm pretty! On to my prediction for this week: 14 beers, 4 shots, 2 lbs of wings, and a hangover at 9pm. I don't make football predictions, but I usually have a pretty good handle on how drunk I'll get. Which reminds me! On Sunday, the DGWU crew will be recording episode 15 of the CrapTastiCast from McFadden's Saloon on 42nd and 2nd in NYC. Matt Kabel of the NYC Bills backers is an old friend, and has been awesome in making this happen. Get ready for another on location podcast! If you live in the tri-state area, we fully expect you to stop by and say hello. Don't look Yachter in the eyes though. He will either bite, scream obscenities at you, or both. And definitely DO NOT mention if you are from Rochester. Bottles will be thrown.

The recording will start around 11am for pre-game and we will be staying after to watch the game, and perhaps get some fan reactions. We will be the old guys in the front of the bar staring awkwardly at younger women while getting aggressively intoxicated.

I leave you with one of my favorite Rap Groups of my college years, The Beatnuts. Enjoy the entire video, however skip to the 2:32 mark to see my man Greg Nice dancing the same exact way I fully expect the Barrister to be dancing by halftime. That right there would be worth the price of admission.

The Scizz

Ah yes! You smell that in the air? That is the faint glimmer of optimism that secretes from the pores of DGWU every September. True, we bitched and moan all summer about the franchise, specifically our inept front office and our senile, Foghorn Leghorn owner, but that is all chicken wing grease under the frier, baby! We are just a few short days away from the return of our beloved Buffalo Bills!

The football excitement has hit all of us here at DGWU. The Barrister is fired up to actually watch all of each game this year after missing most of the second halves due to "prior commitments", which I can only assume has something to do with a Turkish bathhouse. The Apologist has recently posted thoughts on these final days to kick-off, in which the love of football starts running into your veins and fighting it only makes you want it more. And of course that soccer-loving dingleberry, the Yachtsman, is even hosting the DGWU crew on Sunday with his newly acquired NFL Sunday Ticket. He may deny it, but I brought up some young Buffalo players this past weekend and I saw his eyes light up. As cynical as all of us are, we still LOVE this team. Everything I wrote here still rings true, though as I mentioned in that post, I will still cheer for this team to the bitter end. I may not get as angry when they lose as I use to, and I may not "freak out" if I can't find a certain item of Bills clothing before game-time, but I sure as hell know that when that first kick-off flies through the air, I will be a screaming idiot hoping for a 16-0 season. Which reminds me, go fuck yourself WGR.

Now I can move on to my very brief and totally unorthodox Buffalo Bills preview. I am not going to call it a "season preview" because that would be unfair to all the great blogs that did fantastic season previews, and I am not going to call it a "game preview" because the only game-specific item that is truly newsworthy is Matt Cassel's banged up ribs. Therefore, these are just a few ridiculous tidbits I would like to see come true this 2011 season for the Buffalo Bills In particular order:

1. Marcell Dareus needs his nickname changed to "Biggie Smalls". It may possibly be because I started work back in Brooklyn this week. It could also be that three straight Biggie songs came on my iPod during a run last night while getting a high five from someone who saw my Bills hat. But, really it is because the guy is HUGE but still moves with the agility of a smaller guy, say a free safety or Aaron Maybin circa 2007. I like his current nickname, "Crimson Elephant". It is a cool handle that suits Dareus just fine. But imagine you are sitting in the Ralph, and every time he records a sack or makes a big play, this comes on the JumboTron:

YES! I'm picturing the crowd singing along to "Biggie, Biggie, Biggie, can't you see" right now. I love it and this needs to happen. I'm making a phone call. I'm awesome.

2. Marcus Easley, Donald Jones, or David Nelson blow up for at least 50 catches and 6 TD's. This one has potential, so stop laughing and here me out. Last year NOBODY expected Stevie Johnson to blow up like he did, and contrary to the idea that Lee Evans getting double teamed is what freed him up, go back and watch the second half of the year when Evans was either hurt or being covered by the opposing team's nickel back the entire game. Johnson has made himself a legitimate threat to other defenses, and who's to say that teams won't double team the shit out of him this season. Open door for one of the young fellas above. I'm not sure which one will be the break out star, but don't be surprised when one of them becomes a great fantasy football pick-up.

I should also mention that with the Amish Rifle throwing the ball, ANYBODY could see their numbers shoot up. Love him or hate him, Fitzy is the new Sexy Rexy. "Fuck it, I'm throwing long".

3. Terrence McGee will have a bounce back year and reestablish himself as the team's top corner. Crazier things have happened, and with all the off-season chatter about his nagging injuries and rising age, I could see him running wild this year. Chances are slim, but I have always like McGee and I would love to see him return to old form. Speaking of old form....

4. The Bills sign free agent Pat Williams to back-up Kyle Williams the rest of the year. That is all. And yes, you can insert your own Ted Washington joke here.

5. Finally, I pray that C.J. Spiller does something for this squad. Outside of week 3 against New England, Spiller was non-existent. If this organization truly wants me to believe in Buddy Nix and Chan Gailey, then last year's first round pick needs to be bust-free. After Buffalo traded my boy Marshawn (by the way, that chick deserved it, she wasn't watching where she was going), I was pretty upset, but if anyone can make me forget about him, then it's C.J. The kid has talent and is ridiculously explosive, it all comes down to how you use it. Let's pray he is more Chris Johnson, and less Rashaan Salaam.

Enjoy the game on Sunday everybody. The DGWU crew is heading to the Yachtsman's man-cave in Brooklyn as I attempt to speed home from Happy Valley Sunday morning after PSU-Bama. If you are new to NYC and have no place to watch, head to McFadden's on 42nd and 2nd to enjoy one of the reasons I stayed a "New" New Yorker. Look for a really tall guy named Matt and tell him the Scizz sent ya. Oh...and get really drunk and make bad decisions too. That's usually the best part. HEY HEY HEY HEY!!!!! LET'S GO BUFFALO!!!

And follow all of Dear God Why Us Sports:

The Scizz

Exciting times people.  The Sabres are playing fantastic hockey and on the verge of a playoff berth.  The Rock is returning to the ring in 2012 to actually wrestle.  And this Saturday the DGWU crew gathers to record their maiden podcast.  It currently does not have a title, nor a definitive format, but hey, get the three of us in a small room with plenty of booze in our systems and it's bound to get interesting....and indubitably awkward.

That said, I think I better bring the mood back down to Buff-a-low standards. (See what I did there!)  The Bills still suck, and with the 2011 NFL draft fast approaching, the EPIC FAIL series must continue.  Ladies and gents, the draft class of 2008.

*Sidenote: I decided to split this into two sections because I was having major posting issues and lost my column about 4 times before it would save.  I'm worn out and need to walk away, so the rest of the picks will go up tomorrow or later this weekend.

7th round:  Kennard Cox - Defensive Back - Pittsburgh


Kennard never got a real shot in Buffalo.  He joined the likes of C.J. Ah You and Aaron Merz as players who never saw one snap as a Buffalo Bill.  Released even before pre-season, Kennard has actually gone on to a decent special teams career with Jacksonville and Seattle.  But oh what fun the word play could have been, right?  "You think your secondary is strong?  Ours is COX STRONG!"  Priceless.

7th round:  Steve Johnson - Wide Receiver - Kentucky


Hey everybody look, a late round steal!  Oh thank heavens for this gem because in all honesty, the rest of this draft class is f*cking disgusting.  I mean like human centipede disgusting.  I had a stomach virus last week and after looking over the draft board, I almost immediately reverted back to projectile vomiting on the PATH train tracks. Which reminds me!  There are no garbage cans down there! NOT A ONE! Why the hell would you not think to include that in an underground train station??  Wait, what was I talking about?  Oh right, Stevie Johnson is awesome.  Except for maybe that whole blaming God for letting him drop a game-winning touchdown catch.  Not the best choice.

7th round:  Demetrius  Bell- Offensive Tackle - Northwestern State-Lousiana


By now you should all know the background story on Demetrius Bell.  However, since I find it to be a particularly phenomenal tale, let us review: Bell is the illegitimate son of WCW-PPV wrestler and NBA legend Karl Malone.  I did not make that up.  The best part is what a complete tool Malone has been about the whole situation. Besides all of that shit-show, Bell has turned out to be a solid 7th round pick.  I am by no means jumping on this guy's bandwagon yet, because he has been nothing more than a serviceable lineman up until now.  But with these horrific draft classes, you have to enjoy something.  The next three picks will display this wonderfully.

6th round:  Xavier Omon- Running Back - Northwest Missouri State
5th round:  Alvin Bowen- Outside Linebacker - Iowa State
4th round:  Derek Fine- Tight End - Kansas


Three players drafted.  Three players off the team within two seasons. 
Bowen injured himself during training camp and never played a down.  Fine, a TE/H-Back hybrid was drafted right after the front office said they wanted to move away from using H-backs.  That went well.  Lastly, Omon took over the third-string RB role, but with the drafting of Spiller and the Bills' need to showcase Marshawn for a trade, was left on the outside looking in. All three are still in the league but put up zero's in every possible stat category last season.  DRAFT GOOD!



Come back for Section B this weekend!  Until then, I'm gonna sliiiiiide away from The Yachtsman's hard rock movement and present a band that I have been fairly obsessed about over the last 6 months.  Enjoy the Motown/Indie Rock stylin's of FITZ & The Tantrums.  GO SABRES!!!!!!