If you are unsure of who this guy is, then I am a much bigger nerd than you are. Sigh.
Welcome to the continuation of my Summer movie preview. Of course if you read the May and June posts, you know that with each look at a summer blockbuster, I tie it together with a Sabres player/personality. I have enjoyed myself thus far and I hope you have too. After going to see Thor, I truly was picturing Tyler Myers throwing a giant hammer at Chara’s face, and after seeing Bridesmaids I realized that I was totally in the right. That the movie is totally not what I originally expected. Try watching any scene with Melissa McCarthy without laughing hysterically, and if you don't, then you are inhuman or a douche-bag hipster....same difference. I should also mention the DGWU crew had their own version of the Hangover during our last CrapTastiCast. Yikes. I dare you to piece together the night before after listening to that atrocity. Without further ado, here is your July Summer movie preview: Sabres Edition.
Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon - July 1st(update: this movie has now been pushed up to June 29th for maximum coinage)
This is a long, weird reference. And no, Pommers does not remind me of Optimus Prime, nor does he have a powerful voice like the great Peter Cullen. What he does have is the ability to spark my interest and aduration, and then leave me disappointed and unsure of my true feelings. I’m aware that sounds pretty odd, but my relationship/fandom towards #29 has been a clusterfuck, much like Michael Bay’s series of Transformers films. Back in 2007, I thought Pominville was one of the most skillful players on the Sabres Roster. He finished the season with 68 points, splitting even in goals and assists (34 & 34 if you can’t do math….dummy). He quickly became one of my favorite players after his 80 point season the following year, but many of my friends (and future DGWU colleagues) disagreed with me. They thought he was over-rated and they could not understand my love for him. I went as far as to purchase his slug-head jersey a few months into the 2007 season. Similarily in 2007, the film Transformers was released and despite it’s over the top action, terrible acting, and lack of real storyline, I loved it. I know most people think that it’s crap, but I thought it was highly entertaining crap and to this day I will defend it to the bitter end. I’m not saying it’s the Godfather, but it does the job.
I tell you both of these stories because within the next couple of years, Jason Pominville started playing softer than a pomeranian puppy and completely forgot how to put the puck in the net. He always seemed out of position and was now disappointing me ALL THE TIME. Within this same time frame, the sequel to Transformers was released and that fucking disaster made the original impossible to defend. Both would immediately get lumped together and my argument that the first film was not all that bad would fall on deaf ears as someone brought up two highly racist robots that would make Mel Gibson feel uncomfortable. Same with Pommers (except the racism part as far as I know). It has become increasingly difficult to defend his first few seasons because the last few have been full of under-achieving moments. I take shit from people everytime I don the jersey. But now, as we approach the next season, my hopes for both Pominville and the newest Transformers film are high. #29 has solidified himself as possibly our top penalty killer, which became painfully obvious after he was knocked out of game five against the Flyers. He was also digging for pucks, crashing the boards, and skating harder than I had seen in a long time. And with Transformers: Dark of the Moon, early reviews are saying that Bay has made the best film in the series. I recently read that the final battle scene in Chicago is one for the ages. Here is hoping both save their potential legacy in sports and pop-culture, respectively.
Horrible Bosses - July 8th
Who else but Quinny? Can you think of a more horrible boss? Why was he allowed to be a “boss” for so long anyways? Why does he always have that smug look on his face? AND WHY THE FUCK WAS THAT STUPID PICTURE EVER TAKEN? Damnit, I hate him. I know he is long gone but that taste of spoiled milk and bile still lingers. Anyways, this movie looks pretty funny and has three of my favorite comedic actors trying to hatch a plan to murder their awful bosses. If only Adam Mair and Andrew Peters could have got on that a few years ago. Wait….can someone please put that photoshop together??? There may be a cool bumper sticker in it for you!!!
Winnie the Pooh - July 15th
Sorry but I could not resist. This was too easy to pick out when I started planning these posts. Winnie the Pooh is a soft, cuddly bear who is always getting into silly hijinks. He also has an obsession with honey that gets him into trouble; like getting stuck in a tree. Tim Connolly is a soft forward who is always getting injured. He also has obsession with booze and tail on Chippewa street that has got him into trouble; like getting punched in the face by his teammate, Derek Roy. See how much fun this is? But seriously, why is there a Winnie the Pooh movie in the middle of the summer? Shouldn’t this come out in February, where movies go to die? Or maybe around the holidays when parents take their kids to see this junk! This movie being released in the middle of the summer film season is as inexplicable as the Sabres resigning Tim Con….OHDEARGODNO!
Captain America: The First Avenger - July 22nd
This was the gem that my entire series was based on. We already know who Captain America is, and it’s not that chump who played Human Torch in those shitty Fantastic Four movies. Ryan Miller is the savior of our nation, and the fact that we was not even considered for the lead role in this film is a travesty. I mean c’mon people, this guy uses a shield to block projectiles??? Millsie only needs a stick and a glove! THAT is bad ass. He would be smokin’ Nazis left and right amidst cheers of USA! USA! USA! from anyone in earshot. The only negative is a lot of those guys look like Jochen Hecht, but hopefully he won’t take it too personal.
All joking aside, this movie actually looks pretty kick-ass. Chris Evans isn’t all that bad, and I really liked his turn in Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World. Hugo Weaving of my nerd trifecta; Matrix, Lord of the Rings, and V for Vendetta plays the Marvel super villain Red Skull with what looks to be all make-up and no shitty CGI. Finally, the fact that this is a WWII period piece that is the final lead in to the 2012 Avengers movie makes it pretty intriguing. BUT….how awesome would it be to see Ryan Miller in that outfit, only carrying his stick and glove instead of the shield? Hmmm. Halloween idea!
Tune in next week for the August round of the Scizz’s summer movie preview: Sabres edition, in which I look at damn dirty apes, old goalies, powerful Austrians, and your typical Paul Rudd summer comedy. Thanks for reading, and remember….Leonard Maltin is a dick.
You can follow me on twitter @TheScizz and @DGWUSports