“To truly hate is an art one learns with time.” 

-Carlos Ruiz Zafon

The Scizz

Enough with the happiness. I feel like being miserable. Every time I let my guard down when positive situations continue to occur within the organizations I cheer for, something terrible happens and my soul is crushed. So, with the Sabres streaking into the eighth playoff seed, and Ralph Wilson and the Buffalo Bills finally opening up their wallets to fix the team, I need to even things out. It's time for some good old fashioned H-A-T-E. Rage Storms keep me regular.

I'm as excited as the next guy about the signings of Mario Williams and Mark Anderson to anchor the d-line. I'm thrilled for the re-signings of key UFA's like Stevie Johnson and Scott Chandler. Hell, I'm even pumped up to see some of my favorite role-players, like Bryan Scott back in the mix. HOWEVERZ, there are still numerous Buffalo Bills players that I'd prefer to never see in a Bills uniform for the rest of eternity. This is for them.

5. Roscoe Parrish - I fully understand that Parrish is a free agent and his career is probably not only done for the Bills, but for the entire NFL, but Buddy still makes me nervous with his love for "offensive toys". He just re-signed Tashard Choice for fuck's sake. My new found dislike for Roscoe is three fold. First, he hasn't played a full season since 2007 because of injuries. When you are smaller and weigh less than every member of the Buffalo Jills, a full 16 game season will never be in reach.

Second, seeing him play always reminds me that he was, in fact, our top pick in 2005 due to the previous year's trading of the 1st round pick for J.P. Losman. Ugh. Fuck that scene.

Finally, I actually own a Parrish jersey. After Bledsoe left the Bills, I didn't feel like spending the money on a new jersey, so a friend had somebody back in Buffalo remove the "Bledsoe" and toss a "Parrish on the #11 for a few bucks. Great idea. I'd rather have the Bledsoe jersey now. That's what I get for being a cheap asshole like Ralph.


4. Lee Smith, Mike Caussin, Kevin Brock, Fendi Onobun - No, it is not the 1982 Los Angeles Dodgers bullpen, these are the other Tight Ends on the roster. Seriously. I'm happy as hell that Scott Chandler finally looks like the answer at TE the team has been looking for since Metzelaars, but is this really the best we can do for back-ups? C'mon, Buddy. I know this is not a top priority, but I'm sure Desmond Clark isn't doing anything important right now. 

3. Terrance McGee - Restructuring his contract was lovely, but honestly, what other real choices did he have? Most likely the front office would of cut him loose if he didn't, and on the open market, McGee probably would have got no more than a little over the league minimum. He is not who we once thought he was. Almost as injury prone as Parrish, McGee is one of those guys who will end his career with Buffalo, if only because no other team will take a chance on his frail body. Speaking of which, if he loses any more weight, I fully expect lil' 'ole Terrance to get ripped in half in the end-zone, ala the only entertaining scene from Not Another Teen Movie.

2. Chris Kelsay - Ah yes, the great white joke. With Mario Williams joining Kyle Williams and Biggie Smalls Dareus, everyone thinks Kelsay will get to have a big season. I mean, even I have said that this fucker will probably lead the team in sacks with all the double-teams elsewhere, but that doesn't mean I still don't hate him. Nobody has EVER been able to justify all of the awful contracts he has signed, and fuck that "high motor guy" bullshit. High motor for Kelsay means he is really good at running into the backfield and right by the Quarterback, who simply has to take one step up in the pocket to avoid him. 

I've heard people say he is valuable because of his run stopping skills, which is a joke. I've seen him get ran over more than any other Bill on the roster during the last several seasons. He's garbage, has always been garbage, and will always be garbage. I'd rather see guys like Spencer Johnson and Alex Carrington get the reps this season. Hell, even Thwomp himself, Shawne Merriman has more upside in my eyes now.....well, maybe that's a bit too far.

1. Leodis McKelvin - OVER IT. I wanted to forgive you for costing the Bills that win against the Patriots in 2009, I really did. But now I wish those kids not only vandalized your lawn, but your face too. Leodis is officially a BUST. His retrun game is uneven, especially due to fumbles, and his coverage is fucking awful. His stone hands have cost the team so many picks, it's unreal, but that's only when he gets in position to make interceptions, which is rare. He is the king of blown coverage, and over the last couple of seasons, guys like Reggie Corner and Justin Rogers constantly outplay him. Yet, here he is with not only a roster spot, but a consistent starting position. I decided to make a quick list of people I'd rather start over Leodis McKelvin.

1. A 60 lbs overweight Nate Odomes
2. Matt Ellis
3. The guy who played "Sweet Chuck" in the Police Academy movies
4. The exhumed body of Dick Lane
5. Tim Tebow


I leave with you with my man Augie Garrido, who would coach for both the Bills and Sabres in his spare time if it was up to me.

The Scizz

Ah yes! You smell that in the air? That is the faint glimmer of optimism that secretes from the pores of DGWU every September. True, we bitched and moan all summer about the franchise, specifically our inept front office and our senile, Foghorn Leghorn owner, but that is all chicken wing grease under the frier, baby! We are just a few short days away from the return of our beloved Buffalo Bills!

The football excitement has hit all of us here at DGWU. The Barrister is fired up to actually watch all of each game this year after missing most of the second halves due to "prior commitments", which I can only assume has something to do with a Turkish bathhouse. The Apologist has recently posted thoughts on these final days to kick-off, in which the love of football starts running into your veins and fighting it only makes you want it more. And of course that soccer-loving dingleberry, the Yachtsman, is even hosting the DGWU crew on Sunday with his newly acquired NFL Sunday Ticket. He may deny it, but I brought up some young Buffalo players this past weekend and I saw his eyes light up. As cynical as all of us are, we still LOVE this team. Everything I wrote here still rings true, though as I mentioned in that post, I will still cheer for this team to the bitter end. I may not get as angry when they lose as I use to, and I may not "freak out" if I can't find a certain item of Bills clothing before game-time, but I sure as hell know that when that first kick-off flies through the air, I will be a screaming idiot hoping for a 16-0 season. Which reminds me, go fuck yourself WGR.

Now I can move on to my very brief and totally unorthodox Buffalo Bills preview. I am not going to call it a "season preview" because that would be unfair to all the great blogs that did fantastic season previews, and I am not going to call it a "game preview" because the only game-specific item that is truly newsworthy is Matt Cassel's banged up ribs. Therefore, these are just a few ridiculous tidbits I would like to see come true this 2011 season for the Buffalo Bills In particular order:

1. Marcell Dareus needs his nickname changed to "Biggie Smalls". It may possibly be because I started work back in Brooklyn this week. It could also be that three straight Biggie songs came on my iPod during a run last night while getting a high five from someone who saw my Bills hat. But, really it is because the guy is HUGE but still moves with the agility of a smaller guy, say a free safety or Aaron Maybin circa 2007. I like his current nickname, "Crimson Elephant". It is a cool handle that suits Dareus just fine. But imagine you are sitting in the Ralph, and every time he records a sack or makes a big play, this comes on the JumboTron:

YES! I'm picturing the crowd singing along to "Biggie, Biggie, Biggie, can't you see" right now. I love it and this needs to happen. I'm making a phone call. I'm awesome.

2. Marcus Easley, Donald Jones, or David Nelson blow up for at least 50 catches and 6 TD's. This one has potential, so stop laughing and here me out. Last year NOBODY expected Stevie Johnson to blow up like he did, and contrary to the idea that Lee Evans getting double teamed is what freed him up, go back and watch the second half of the year when Evans was either hurt or being covered by the opposing team's nickel back the entire game. Johnson has made himself a legitimate threat to other defenses, and who's to say that teams won't double team the shit out of him this season. Open door for one of the young fellas above. I'm not sure which one will be the break out star, but don't be surprised when one of them becomes a great fantasy football pick-up.

I should also mention that with the Amish Rifle throwing the ball, ANYBODY could see their numbers shoot up. Love him or hate him, Fitzy is the new Sexy Rexy. "Fuck it, I'm throwing long".

3. Terrence McGee will have a bounce back year and reestablish himself as the team's top corner. Crazier things have happened, and with all the off-season chatter about his nagging injuries and rising age, I could see him running wild this year. Chances are slim, but I have always like McGee and I would love to see him return to old form. Speaking of old form....

4. The Bills sign free agent Pat Williams to back-up Kyle Williams the rest of the year. That is all. And yes, you can insert your own Ted Washington joke here.

5. Finally, I pray that C.J. Spiller does something for this squad. Outside of week 3 against New England, Spiller was non-existent. If this organization truly wants me to believe in Buddy Nix and Chan Gailey, then last year's first round pick needs to be bust-free. After Buffalo traded my boy Marshawn (by the way, that chick deserved it, she wasn't watching where she was going), I was pretty upset, but if anyone can make me forget about him, then it's C.J. The kid has talent and is ridiculously explosive, it all comes down to how you use it. Let's pray he is more Chris Johnson, and less Rashaan Salaam.

Enjoy the game on Sunday everybody. The DGWU crew is heading to the Yachtsman's man-cave in Brooklyn as I attempt to speed home from Happy Valley Sunday morning after PSU-Bama. If you are new to NYC and have no place to watch, head to McFadden's on 42nd and 2nd to enjoy one of the reasons I stayed a "New" New Yorker. Look for a really tall guy named Matt and tell him the Scizz sent ya. Oh...and get really drunk and make bad decisions too. That's usually the best part. HEY HEY HEY HEY!!!!! LET'S GO BUFFALO!!!

And follow all of Dear God Why Us Sports: