And we're baaaaaaaaack! With all of the detailed knowledge that you die-hard fans thirst for in the off-season, I've been able to go even deeper into our collection of "talented" un-drafted free agents! Now onto a guy who was listed as "Davis Snow" on the actual Buffalo Bills website for several days before it was corrected!
INFOOOOOOOORMER! Youksndaskhjkshfkasjfjhdsfkjsdfkhsdkjhsdfjhdsfkghsjkhdfjskdhfjdshkjshfjdshfjhf! A MICKEY BOOM-BOOM NOUN!!
(Note: 98% of this profile is completely fabricated and in no way accurate. Just like people who say they hate the NBA and aren't racist.)
He can hear you thinking with those things.
West Canaan High SchoolStrengths:
Quick feet, super acute hearing,Weaknesses:
Coming off of severe calf injury, looks like fat Forrest Gump, and his only experience with playing in Snow is his alone time.On-field accomplishments:
2011 All Big-12 Honorable MentionOff-field accomplishment:
Has completed the Big Texan Steak Challenge
17 times. He can also write his own name without asking for help!Favorite Players:
Logan Mankins, Kyle Hix, and THE Mike Williams. (Wait, for real? Fuck.)Other idols:
Ralphie May, Ethan Suplee, and George W. BushMost embarrassing moment:
After enduring too many concussions, passed out in the middle of a game allowing Quarterback Paul Walker to get sacked and subsequently injured. Coach Voight was PISSED!Goals:
Compete for a starting position, make his Daddy proud, and avoid any and all contact with Vince Young for the entire season.Most memorable moment:
The first time he got to play football with a helmet that actually fit his giant head. (2007)Off-field activities/hobbies:
Volunteer member of the Texas Minutemen, Vice-President of Man Vs. Food Fan Club, practicing his spot-on impression of WB cartoon character, Hugo.
Which way did he go, George (Wilson), which way did he go?
Roadhouse or Cars 2Favorite Buffalo Bills moment:
"Super Bowl 27 & 28
Anything with a Banjo and/or washtub.Most looking forward to....:
Hitting deer on the 400 and I-90 with his pick-up truck.
Wow, these are getting harder! Luckily everything you find on goggle is fact. Go Bills! #BillsLegalNonProfitOrganization
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Chris Kelsay won't give up number 90 to Mario fuckin' Williams? Are you serious? Kelsay, you God damn trash-bag, get over yourself, or tear your ACL and retire. Make the right choice.
Anyways, although I am still very distraught over this, I'm powering through to bring you another in-depth analysis of one of the Buffalo Bills new "rising stars" -- RB, Chris Douglas! (Kudos again to @boner_shorts
for the new title suggestion.) (Note: 98% of this profile is completely fabricated and in no way accurate. Just like Mike Harrington's Ok Cupid profile.)
Position: Running Back
College: Missouri State
High School: Billy Sims Prep (Abertone, GA)
Strengths: Not Tashard Choice. A snappy dresser.
Weaknesses: Only started one game in college, wears bow ties in game situations, pretty sure Missouri State is an online University
On-field accomplishments: Finished 27th in the nation in yards per game
Off-field accomplishment: Has seen every Tyler Perry movie eleven times
Favorite Players: Clinton Portis persona's 1,3, 7, 9, and 14
Other boyhood idols: Andre 3000 and Farnsworth Bentley
Goals: Find lenses for his glasses
Most memorable moment: Being profiled by DGWU Sports
Off-field activities/hobbies: Convincing people that Missouri State is a real college, collecting styles from 2004, singing with his Acapella group, "Clef Huxtable and the Pudding Pops"
Favorite Buffalo Bills moment: N/A
America allowed this to happen.
Favorite Sports Teams:
The London Silly Nannies and Kansas City Chiefs (same difference)Romantic Crush:
Madea, Tootsie, and RupaulMost embarrassing moment:
Shit his pants during the senior bowl and was forced to stay in the game because Mike Shanahan's face was already too red to deal with the smell.Most looking forward to....:
Shopping with Stevie Johnson and Naaman Roosevelt, getting two carries during the 4th quarter of the first Bills pre-season game, finding a dorky blogger that made fun of him and ripping his throat out.
Another in-depth profile of a Buffalo Bills undrafted free agent. Stay tuned at DGWU Sports for several more as we count down the days to the season. Progress!
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and read all the terribly inappropriate things I enjoy saying. BACK TO THE BASEMENT!!!
With the draft over and DGWU waiting for a possible draft recap from the Wire
(since none of us know what the fuck we are talking about), I feel like getting to know our new undrafted free agents is just as important. These guys may not come with all the hoopla and bitchy blogger twitter fights, but they still play an important part in training camp and may actually make the squad. Look at past undrafted "stars" like George Wilson, David Nelson, and even Brian Moorman! Any of these new, young cowpokes could be diamonds in the fluff and be leading the Buffalo Bills team to a 5 - 11 season in no time!
So sit back and enjoy the extensive research I have done to inform you, the reader, about what possible gems await us when training camp opens. (Note: 98% of this profile is completely fabricated and in no way accurate. Eat me.)
First up, the guy MOST likely to make the team this season, punter Shaun Powell!!!!!
Florida StateHigh School:
Tex Graves HS - Tupelo, MississippiStrengths:
Punting a football and prolonged eye contactWeaknesses:
Throwing, catching, and running with a football, tackling, and blocking. Also, all social situations.On-field accomplishments:
Highest career punting average at FSUOff-field accomplishment:
Lowest career arrest total for a punter at FSUFavorite Players:
Rick Tuten, Sammy Baugh, Sebastian Janikowski, and "that black punter"Other boyhood idols:
My Dad, my other dad, FestusGoals:
"To be the greatest punter in the history of the NFL." or "Have the most rapey face in the history of the NFL."Favorite bands/musical artists:
Gin Blossoms, Usher, Yo La Tengo, David Allan Coe, and SepulturaFavorite movie:
Power stretching, Chin Strap Beards Anonymous, collecting used rape whistles, knittingFavorite Buffalo Bills moment:
Favorite Non-Football Sports Teams:
Dale Earnhardt Jr.Romantic Crush:
Rooney Mara, Robin Givens, Ving RhamesMost embarrassing moment:
Being a punter at Florida StateMost looking forward to....:
Building team chemistry, hanging out with Shawne Merriman, looking for a job in mid-August
There you have it! Your first in depth profile of a Buffalo Bills undrafted free agent. Stay tuned at DGWU Sports for many more as we count down the days to the season. Yay football!
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and tell me how awesome I am.