No they motherfucking did not. OH YES THEY DID. SHUT YOUR MOUTH.
Brian Moorman says "GET THE FUCK UP" Rian Lindell words were muffled by Moorman's crotch.
I'm trying to fight the urge to simply write "What now, bitches?" as my recap for this week. Goddammit I really want to.
"WHAT THE SHIT NOW!?!?! I AM A BESPECTACLED HILBILLY GENIUS!!!!"
No for serious though, what the shit happened this afternoon? Who are these crazy bastards wearing the coolest uniforms in the league and scoring points like it's a GD Madden game on easy!?!?!? IS CHAN RUNNING THE ONE BUTTON OFFENSE ON ROOKIE DIFFICULTY!?!?! WHY WAS I NOT INFORMED OF THIS.
SEMI-COHERENT OBSERVATIONS FROM THE MATCH
- Same old same old reared her ugly head around 2 PM today, with the Bills down 14-0 and Brady marching again. Of course, Brady threw a perfect strike to his Yao Ming-sized Polish American Eagle (OLD FIRST WARD REFERENCE) Tight End. I can't figure out if Gronkowski's big day was because Belichick wants to stick it to us hard because he's a local boy/traitor (no) or he's an All-Pro Tight End who will terrorize us for years to come (yes).
- What is with the second half adjustments? I have a weird theory on this. I feel like the Bills come out with that old gray cloud of losing over their heads, what with a week of built up expectations, play tight, get weird, get blown out, then go back into the lockerroom and realize they are the "Why So Serious" Gang, make outlandishly awesome adjustments, and come out and play like Montana's 49ers. ANALYSIS. SPORTS. I AM GOOD AT THIS.
- God that crowd look fucking PUMPED today. So many awesome shots of overserved Buffalonians finally having their day (literally) in the sun. After the Food Truck disaster, Byron Brown branding himself into oblivion, and the realization that Winter is coming (WINTERFEEEEELLLLL), Buffalonians near and far needed the shit out of this. SIDENOTE: JAZZED IS NOT A WORD TO USE WHEN DESCRIBING AWESOMENITUDE, EVERYONE ON THE INTERNET I LIKE TO READ. PLEASE REFRAIN FROM USING THIS WORD, IT REMINDS ME OF THIS:
THINGS I ENJOYED DURING THE PROCEEDINGS:
- Hello, my name is Fred Jackson, and I am the best running back in the league. Fast Frederick ran circles around Belichick's porous defense, and it was fucking GREAT. That slant over the middle from Wizard Beard on the Mayo blitz at the end of the game was something we haven't seen out of a Bills QB/RB combo since Kelly/Thurmanator. BACK WHEN MEN WERE MEN AND ZUBAZ PANTS WERE CONSIDERED FORMAL WEAR THROUGHOUT WESTERN NEW YORK. Look it up, those of you born in the post Cold-War world.
Is that Tom Ford!?!? No, it's famed Bills LB Shane Conlan. ALSO A FASHION ICON SO I CAN SEE WHY YOU WERE MISTAKEN.
- Ryan FitzBeard has that intangible every fired coach and washed up ex player on TV gets aroused by when being paid to analyze games for more money than I'll ever make in a lifetime: short term memory. Guy throws two picks, gets down by 3 TDs to insert-team-x-with-supposed-awesome-D-here and just goes out and plays like it's a fucking toss around with the slow kids taking a tour of the practice facility. SERIOUSLY WHAT SHELL SHOCKED BILLS QB OF THE LAST FIFTEEN YEARS WOULD THROW A SECOND HALF BOMB TO A WIDEOUT WHO DROPPED ELEVENTY BALLS IN THE FIRST HALF?!!? THE BEARD, THAT'S WHO. BECAUSE THE BEARD DOESN'T CARE. THE BEARD KNOWS THE LAW OF AVERAGES. BECAUSE THE BEARD WENT TO HAHV'D FAHCKIN YAHD.
"Hmmm. I feel like we need more beards, Chan."
- Bill Belichick is a fucking awesome coach. I hatelove him the most out of any football coach alive or dead. He has created a dynasty in New England by instilling a culture in a franchise that, excluding this decade, was as historically bad as the Bills. But what the hell was he doing at the end of the game? Originally I thought it was a brilliant mind game trying to delay the kick as much as possible, but then I realized he just lost organizational and schematic control towards the end. The burnt timeout? Ha! I can't believe it! We got the Hoodie to fuck up! Beauteous. (that word looks spelled wrong but it isn't. I lost a spelling bee final to a kid in 7th grade to that word and it still chaps my ass today. IT SHOULD BE BEAUTIOUS, WEBSTER. FUCK YOURSELF.)
- I love the George Wilson pick, because it was a total adjustment pick. Gronkowski was running the inside routes all day with tremendous success. Wilson realized Brady had only two guys he could trust with the game on the line, and he picked the right guy. By dragging on the route, he allowed his height to dictate the pick. Being a former wideout, it was like Brady teardropped the ball right into his hands. BEHIND THE BACK INTERCEPTIONS IN THE RED ZONE REQUIRE TECHNIQUE, POSITIONING, AND AN UNDERSTANDING OF FOOTBALL. ALL THINGS DONTE WHITNER NEITHER HAS NOR CAN SPELL.
i sense a Gladwellian algorithm here: your wins/playmakers/big plays will rise in proportion to the amount of players who have outlandish facial hair on your team. MATH.
THINGS THAT DISPLEASED ME DURING THE MATCH:
- Not one thing. We have a scrappy but awesome team making big plays at a time when big plays are needed. They play an exciting brand of football which has breathed life back into the hearts of Buffalo sports fans. We are a fanbase of people whom, for better or worse, tie a large proportion of their emotional well being to the fate of their franchises, and when they win everyone feels good. When they beat the Patriots after the worst streak since "O for the 70s" it feels motherfucking Euphoric with a capital E. This makes us all feel awesome.
We're not there yet, but we're headed in the right direction.
AWESOME UPDATE REGARDING TOM THE CAT:
I'm pretty sure we found a home for Tom today. A girl who works with the Yachtswoman had a friend who was a big time animal lover (this is how these things usually go) and she graciously accepted Tom into her home on a trial basis. Before we got back to the house from walking Tom to the cab, she was texting us pictures of Tom exploring his newfound abode. FINGERS CROSSED THAT THIS WORKS OUT FOR THE LITTLE GUY, DEEGERS. Even though it is completely impossible to keep Tom, I will miss the little guy because he is an awesomely mellow cat who enjoys naps, food, and laying down...I TOO ENJOY FOOD, NAPS, AND LAYING DOWN..
Tom & The Yachtsman, friends in laziness.
I still don't know what the shit happened today with that football squad. I seriously feel like I'm walking on a dream. WHICH LEADS ME TO A GREAT SEGUE INTO A HIPSTER JAM THAT WILL MAKE YOU PUT ON YOUR SKINNY JEANS AND YOUR CHECKERED KEDS/VANS AND DANCE THE JIG I WAS DANCING IN MY BUFFAKLYN BACKYARD WITH APS AND BARRISTER TODAY. DANCE THE SHIT OUT AND BRING ON THE BENGALS.
CREEPY VIDEO/AWESOME SONG.
I shall battle Irene with Dark 'n' Stormies. You all should, too.
It's been quiet here of late. The Scizz, typically dependable for frequent musings on the trashy side of sports and entertainment, was on vacation last week and into this one. He's truly blessed with good luck, as he'll get the chance to be hit by Irene twice as a result of these travels. Good job, buddy. Serves you right for your hiatus.
I, too, have been quiet, as I was forced into submission - finally - by the needs of my first trial this past week. I had the urge to write Tuesday night, inspired by the bizarre events of that afternoon... dramatically giving my closing argument only to feel the earth shake below us minutes later, leaving me with a lingering sense of wonder at how we, as people, choose to live our lives when confronted with a daily threat of diaster - both by acts of man and God (if you believe in that sort of thing...which I do sometimes, depening on the day). Without going into the entirety of those thoughts I was having after the quake while waiting for the jury to render its verdict, I do think it bears mentioning that it is truly something special that we so routinely choose to seek out shared moments of joy and hope through sport, even when a life of self-preservation above all else might be the smarter move. Smart we are not, but committed to seeking joy we always are.
In any event, the trial is now over and, victory in hand, I have opted to take today off and be productive with non-work-related things, including ending DGWU's lull in content. And, as New York City and the Atlantic Coast prepare for what may be one of the worst storms to hit this area in the past 50 years, Mother Nature provides a suitable theme to at least focus some of the thoughts going through my head as we enter the weekend.
Of course, I'll be talking about our Buffalo Bills.
I start with the news about Freddie Jackson. CHAN! BUDDY! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS DOING?? I mean, Jesus H. Christ, I could not be more confused about the decisions coming out of the Buffalo Bills management and coaching staff these days. The season hasn't even started - a season no one expects to be successful anyway - and Chan, et al. have already gotten a full roster and full fanbase scratching their heads or worse. Reports this week that Freddie is uphappy and uncertain about his role, about his desire for a trade. Un-fucking-real.
“I feel like a No. 1 back, and I should be treated like one. As far as what’s going on, you would have to ask them. I’m going to come out here and compete. I feel like I have been competing. I feel like I have done everything I can. It’s been like that for two or three years, and nothing has changed.”
Freddie, you're right. Nothing has changed. Same old hapless Bills. Why would any of us excpect talent and productivity to be fairly and objectively evaluated? (Though, to be fair, Freddie's a #1 back on a shit football team. He's being treated like a #1 back on a shit football team, and that's part of the problem...but, I digress).
Listen, I get that CJ Spiller needs touches in preseason. In fact, I think it's completely appropriate that he gets most of the touches during preseason, because he needs some work. Everytime I see him run the ball, it's a disaster, and I figure it has to get better with work, right? But, with all that being the case, how is it that Chan hasn't made it abundantly clear to Freddie that he's the #1 RB? How is it that Tim Graham from the Buffalo News has heard that it's Spiller's job to lose? WTFFFFF. Even if CJ has a great preseason - which has already been shown not to be the case - the changing of the guard can't happen until he shows it during real games, and until that happens Freddie has to be your guy. He's been one of the only bright spots on this team over the past couple years, not to mention that he's a fan favorite and is one of the hardest working guys on the team. He has earned everything he's gotten in the league including the respect of everyone in that locker room - I mean, hell, I feel like I'm in crazy town that I even have to write this. Think back to those off-season, player-run workouts. Fredie was there, CJ was not. THAT MATTERS. If CJ is the future, fine, no argument. But why put the cart before the horse? Why not, at a mimimum, promise Freddie equal touches going into the season, as so many teams are successfully using multiple backs on individual Sundays these days?
This is turning into a serious morale issue, and it just shouldn't be. The only thing the Bills ever have to bank on is that they're underdogs who, despite being so overmatched in talent and skill, want it more than their opponent. With these reports coming out of camp, it looks like Chan might be losing that x-factor as well.
Contibuting to this is the fact that it comes on the heels of Lee Evans's trade to the Ravens. Honestly, I didn't mind this deal when it came down a couple weeks ago - Evans was barely productive last year and, while he was an asset in terms of drawing double coverage, I wanted to believe that this reason was not enough to keep him. However, after seeing the shit with Freddie this week, and after seeing Evans tear up the secondary in the Ravens' latest preseason game, my gut is telling me that Evans wasn't useless, he just wasn't being used. An under-utilized talent on the field, probably due in large part to the chemistry that Fitzpatrick and Stevie Johnson had developed in their second team roles on the practice squad, it may soon become apparent that the issue with Evans was not his waning effecitiveness on the field, but the Bills' waning effectiveness in getting him the goddamn ball. If Evans has a decent year - 10 touchdowns, say - it will prove what the rest of the league knows about Buffalo...that this Bills team is an embarassment. And, as soon as that happens, the players in the locker room will start to feel it, too. What we all want to be a two or three year project will get extended yet again, and we may not see a playoff team for five years or more.
Like many Bills fans, I was really looking forward to this season. I liked what Chan Gailey did last year, and I thought the team had a pretty good draft. Things were looking up. These days, though, I'm yearning for those days of locked out football when we didn't have to dread another season of embarassment for our team, our fanbase and our City.
Let's Go Buffalo?