In one of our shortest CrapTastiCasts ever, we struggle for subject matter after the Sabres' first loss of the season. While you can't really say we succeeded, we showed up at least so that's something. During the more lucid moments of this particular installment from the Buffalo expat insane asylum, we talk a little about the Sabres, a little about Manti Te'o, a little about baseball, and a little about man tears. The Scizz was off his rocker for most of the evening so don't expect much by way of focus... which, incidentally you should never really expect from us anyway.
Musical content by way of Deeg house band The Jambrones, Jane's Addiction, Radical Face and Aerosmith.
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Never has a CrapTastiCast required so much editing.
Sunday didn't go quite as planned. Our special guest for the afternoon was absent due to the failings of Time Warner's high-speed never really works internet so the rest of the NYC-based crew soldiered on with discussions of the Bills, Sabres, NHL and a silver platter of other topics that I can't be bothered to remember. We finish it off with another installation of our game "Scizz is a Douche," thereby giving us all the opportunity to show how stupid we are when we're a few deep.
Musical interludes care of Radiohead, Dr. Dog, Kendrick Lamar and 2 Bears. Download
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SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT IN ALL THE HATS. Well, pack it in guys, wait until hockey....no can't do that.....well the Knicks start in October.....ugh, fuck James Dolan......well there's always Liverpool....they can't score......well, the Mets start again next March!......OH WELL SHIT I'LL JUST QUIT THIS SPORTS CRAP ALTOGETHER THEN, A HOLES.
Sad Wizard and his sad, sad beard.
Say a quarterback has a stellar career at a shitty FCS school like Harvard. Then, instead of going into I-Banking and destroying our financial future, he takes his 7th Round NFL Draft selection and decides to make a go of it. He struggles for a few years, getting spot-starts in shitholes like Cincinatti & St. Louis, all via guts, determination, and guile. Throwing the ball the way he's always known how; a self-taught gunslinger. After a few years, this highly educated journeyman lands in the backwater-est of NFL backwaters, Buffalo. He fights through coaching changes, managerial changes, shitty QBs in front and back, finally proving himself to be a competent QB for a team replete with QB failure. In his first year as the bona-fide-honest-to-god-nobody-breathing-down-his-back starter, he rockets out to a 5-1 start and everyone wants to have a million of his babies. He gets injured in a blowout to the Redskins, and everything falls to shit. Weaknesses reveal themselves, games are lost, and hopes are shattered. BUT ALAS EVERYTHING IS MADE ANEW COME THE OFFSEASON, FRIENDS. This journeyman-cum-starter-sum-ostensible savior shows up to camp ready to go and meets a new QB coach. WHO THEN CHANGES EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS SELF-TAUGHT GUNSLINGER BECAUSE APPARENTLY HE BROUGHT HIMSELF OUT OF THE DEPTHS OF THE FCS AND INTO A STARTING JOB IN THE NFL ALL TOTALLY WRONG. Mechanics, footwork, vision, reps, progressions....EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT NOW. Oh, but wait, you might ask....who is this brilliant man who felt the need to fundamentally change The Bearded One? Why, he must be a genius who has helped Hall of Famer and First Overall Picks alike! RIGHT YACHTSMAN?!?!!?
DISCLAIMER: I TYPED A BOAT LOAD OF TEAM NAMES HERE AND SOME MAY HAVE BEEN LOST BECAUSE WE ARE TOO POOR/LAZY TO AFFORD AN EDITOR/PROOFREAD. PLEASE BEAR WITH ME/US. THANK YOU/THEM. I'LL STOP WITH THE SLASHES NOW/FAIL.
Of the many horrors Commissioner No Goal has brought upon the NHL in the last twenty years, the creation of the Eastern and Western Conferences sits steadfastly in the top 5...sandwiched somewhere betwixt The Phoenix Coyotes and the Versus Television Contract.
Hockey In The Desert.......totally worth saving!
I understand the need for Eastern and Western Conferences. With 23 American teams and 7 Canadian teams across four time zones, a geographic split among teams is unavoidable. However, now that No Goal's redistribution strategy is blowing up in his face, I think it's time to examine a) where the teams should be placed b) the nomenclature of said new structure and c) where we should have teams and their placement (not your typical realignment post...fooled you reader).
This picture eerily reminds me of Scizzer. I'll post whatever the hell I goddamn please, thanks.
First, we'll start with the Western Conference and its three divisions - The Pacific, The Northwest, and The Central. I would eliminate the three divisions and split the conference into two superdivisions along geographical lines. I'd rename the Conference the Clarence S. Campbell Conference, and the divisions would be the Gretzky Division and the Norris Division (sorry Conn Smythe, you already have the second most famous trophy named after you, relax). In fairness to everyone else, I would finally rename the Norris Trophy for the Best Defenseman to the Orr Trophy...because it's stupid to have a division AND an EOY trophy at the same time. DIGRESSING.....anyway, they would be comprised as follows:Norris Division:- Vancouver- Edmonton- Calgary- Winnipeg- Detroit- Minnesota- ChicagoGretzky Division:-
San Jose- Los Angeles- Anaheim- Colorado- Phoenix- Dallas- St. LouisAs you can see, I've moved Columbus and Nashville into the eastern super-conference in the interests of keeping hockey viable in those parts (happy, 3rdManIn?!). The idea that most roadies for Columbus fans entail 10 PM starts is as ridiculous as
putting two hockey teams in the State of Florida. So, forthwith...the Eastern Conference.
Ah old time east coast hockey...where they played on sawdust basketball courts in chicken coops, apparently. Tradition!
Appropriately, I've renamed the Eastern Conference the Prince of Wales Conference, as it should always be named. Seriously, why did you pander so hard to the image of the illiterate American, NHL? Did you think the average fan would be so confused by fancy names he or she would immediately click off the television? What the shit did you think was going to happen once said average fan ran into your obfuscated disciplinary policies and the thankfully ousted two-line pass?! ANYWHENCE. I digress. In keeping with the Campbell Conference mega-division idea, I've created two 8 team divisions, appropriately named the Beliveau Division (arguably the greatest player ever behind Gretzky, Lemieux, & Orr...and I'm not giving Lemieux shit while he's alive) & the Arbour Division (Al Arbour coached 1500 games, the Isles for 19 seasons, and won 4 straight cups....that is a ridiculous feat considering they are THE NEW YORK ISLANDERS). Without any further ado:
- New York Islanders
- New York Rangers
- New Jersey
- Tampa Bay
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT BUT SOMEHOW THE SAME....
COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!
Here's where it gets tricky as shit. As you all know, I'm more of a traditionalist when it comes to teams and where they're placed. I don't particularly believe in the Southern Strategy, and I certainly don't think Canada should be deprived of professional hockey if it demonstrates it can support it consistently. If anything can be learned from MLS, leagues should put teams where they'll thrive, not where owners and commissioners wish they would thrive. ANYWAY. Should the day come when Scotty Bowman manages to slay No Goal and order is restored to the Universe and a 1/2 hour ESPN Hockey Tonight gloriously boots Around The Horn off the airwaves forever, this is what the conferences should look like (I'm sorry, 3rdManIn
- Chicagoland (goodbye forever, Phoenix)
- San Jose
- Los Angeles
- St. LouisI've eliminated the joke of a franchise currently crapping along in Phoenix and replaced it with a second franchise in North America's 4th largest metropolitan center.
I've stayed away from hockey in the desert entirely, because I simply do not agree with the tremendous waste of energy it takes to run an ice hockey arena in 100+ degree heat 250 days a year....Las Vegas is a terrible idea, no matter how badly horny beat writers want to head there on assignment twice a year.
God this picture is just too good. Unfair? Yes. Priceless? Fuck and Yes.
ONWARD. So I've fudged a bit with the Campbell Conference, but I really started to get tricky with the Wales Conference. Here is my ideal version of the Prince of Wales Conference (if we're continuing ideal utopias, I'd also like to eliminate any mentions of Ryan Miller's pallatability, Tim Connolly's viability, and Derek Roy as a 1A...but I just don't have enough time)
Prince of Wales Conference:
- Quebec (goodnight, Tampa...we barely cared)
- Toronto Maple Leafs
- Toronto Marlboroughs (fuck you forever, Carolina!)
- New York Islanders
- New York Rangers
- New Jersey
- Kansas City (WHOA SEE WHAT I DID THERE!? MORE HOCKEY IN MIZZOU!??? CRAZY TALK. Also, hockey in Miami? Come on now.)
So there you have it. My realistic realignment and my ridiculous realignment (alliteration fail). In a perfect world, one would happen. However, I'll leave you with one last thought before you hit the video....I think the renaming of the Conferences/Divisions is far more important than where exactly each team ends up. Reaching back into hockey's past is what the majority of fans love about the game, from throwback jerseys to the Cup itself....hockey is about looking back AND looking forward. Somebody needs to slap that into No Goal's midget head. But for now...we wait...
"I grew up on the crime side / the New York Times side / Staying alive was no jive"
-Raekwon The Chef
We climbed our very own summit today. The Staten Island Dump.
If you're on this site in June, I don't have to explain the Sabres Summit to you. The roster had some of our favorite and least favorite people (VAGUE FACELESS INTERNET INSULT ALERT // IS HE KIDDING OR ISN'T HE?? WE WILL NEVER KNOW) **sidenote: an ant just crawled out of my keyboard...wtf** In true moronic fashion, the DGWU Crew finished our horrifically long work days and headed straight to a bar to form our own NYC Sabre Summit, complete with rounds of applause for each individual's entrance. We even had a special guest appearance: Joe, of Buffalo Wins Fame...who should probably stop hanging out with us because we are a bad influence on good blogging. We drank pints, bummed weird Indian cigarettes (just because American Spirits take 90 minutes to smoke doesn't make them healthy, chief) and opined about our love for Sabres Hockey.
Down to business. Here is an unwanted and insignificant recap of our unnecessary New York City Sabre Summit of 2011 (any opinions are gospel truth and should be regarded as such and if not, a gilded bag of cocks to you kind traveler):
1.) The Apologist and I are basically communists, whereas everyone else aside from The Barrister (I think he may be a socialist) exists within political gray area of rational thought. How did this come up? Young teachers are getting rogered on all sides by Unions, the BOCES dropouts in the NYS Assembly/Senate, and old people. Seriously, it is the position of DGWU Sports that the Education system in this country is fucked beyond belief.
2.) Of each Borough of the Five, the greatest rappers from each are as follows: 1.) Brooklyn: Biggie 2.) Staten Island: GZA 3.) Queens: Nas 4.) The Bronx: (3 way tie) Inspectah Deck/Big Pun/KRS-One 5.) Manhattan: Big L **judges reversal - Guru & Premier just recorded in Staten Island sometimes, but as they were raised in Boston & Houston, respectively, they don't qualify upon further review, Scizz. My bad.**
3.) Wu-Tang Clan is indeed nothing to fuck with.
4.) The Sabres need a center almost as bad as they need a Stanley Cup. Half the crew (Barrister, Aps) think they are a few years away, and the other half thinks they are a splashy Centerman + a solid defenseman away from contending (Scizz, Yachtsman). I'm pretty sure I have those divisions right.
5.) We need some more Sabres Road Crew love here in New York City. Not saying that we're going to get it, but we're going to need some.
6.) Look for some interweb streaming CrapTastiPreGames for key Sabres & Bills games from us this upcoming season.
Finally, here's a quick StreetCast
we did in front of Drop Off Service on Avenue A tonight, replete with hammered rambling and cat poop. Thank you for your continued sympathy, which enables us to act like morons with impunity.
This post was heavily influenced by uncontrollable insomnia and the musical stylings of the Wu-Tang Clan.
Moby Dick has arrived.
After about 5 years of saying "shit WE can do that" after 3 to 17 pints of various ales and lagers, the DGWU Crew have finally produced a podcast (and realized no we can't do "that", nor should we). It's available for download here
or below on itunes.
You can also stream it right off our little dingy corner of the interwebs right here:
NOTES ON THE CRAPTASTICAST:- I did not know that I have a speech impediment associated with the letter "S". I'll need to get away from the mic a little bit more.- We apologize for the horrible jokes and the beating of the dead horses (the jokes we thought were funny but realized weren't funny upon listening)- We apologize for the inability to not talk over each other (syntax?). Classic case of three loud blowhards in a room....although let's be honest The Apologist's voice could drown out Nuclear Holocaust (zow! zing! zap!).-
Thank you SO much to Megan Robertson & Mondee Torres, our media helpy helpersons, without whom this podcast would never have been produced.-
Hear that badass crunk mix of a certain hockey team's theme song at the beginning? That's my boy Mondee's mix, and it's available for ringtone purchase here
. All proceeds go to paying Mondee's rent and bar tabs.- Lookout for an in depth playoff analysis with gravitas and seriousness from The Apologist within the next 24 hours. Lookout for a pile full of generalizations, swears, ineptitudes, and general Philahate from me within the same time frame.- As always, comments, suggestions, hate mail, retweets, reblogs, reposts, and likes are needed and welcome.
'Why these fellows sound like horseshit, Maw!'