GODDAMMIT THAT IS ONE HANDSOME ARISTOCRAT.
ATTENTION: To the guy wearing the Harvard > Stanford Jersey @ McFadden's....I can't find your F'ing picture...send it to firstname.lastname@example.org and I will post it here because it is the single greatest jersey foul ever. Also, our podcast file was corrupted, so our live CrapTastiCast 15 won't be available. Which blows. I think it was because I poured a pitcher on the laptop after David Nelson scored.
THE WIZARD BEARD HAD A GREAT 2ND WEEK
Get the shit outta town. No I'm fucking serious. Your Bills just came back from a 21-3 half time deficit to come back and win the home opener with :14 left on the clock. THESE ARE THINGS THAT DO NOT HAPPEN TO TEAMS EMBLAZONED WITH A VARIATION OF THE BISON LOGO. This is the kind of shit that happens when you click to the four o'clock game: " (cue awful monotone) JOE BUCK HERE, IF YOU'RE JUST JOINING US FROM THE BUFFALO - (INSERT TEAM HERE) BLOWOUT, WE'VE GOT A NAILBITER BETWEEN TWO PERENNIAL POWERHOUSES, ONE FOR THE AGES HERE. SOMETHING SANCTIMONIOUS"
One of for the ages does not happen in Orchard Park. At least not in recent memory. LET US ENJOY THIS RIDE WHILE IT LASTS BECAUSE JOY IS FLEETING AND SADNESS DRIPS FROM THE WALLS OF RALPH WILSON STADIUM LIKE GYPSUM FROM THE MINES OF WHATEVER REGION IS HEAVILY DEPENDENT UPON GYPSUM MINING.
Is this picture racist? I feel like it's either Amish or racist.
The first half was fairly dismal for the Bills. Couldn't stop the run, corners were getting torched and gambling hard, and we got a little pass happy on the offensive side of the ball. I specifically remember screaming my "RUN THE BAAAAAAAALL" chant 247 times before the close of the 1st half. Still not sure what happened in the locker room, but the Bills did their best Tuffalo impression and the rest is Week 2 history.
Things I did not like:
- Leodis McKelvin had a tough day versus DeNarius Moore, as we all found out on that outlandish 50 yard bomb to put the Raiders ahead. All jokes aside though, that Moore kid looks like a baller.
- One day we will have a defense that successfully reads a screen pass. That day was not yesterday.
- They got a little pass happy in the first half, but then again it paid off as our offense turned into the '99 Rams in the 2nd. Although the rushing stats looked like receiving stats. Run the Ball? Or throw touchdowns. Either way.
- What happened to Shawne Merriman for long, dry spells out there yesterday? Is he injured? Meh, whatever we won.
Things I did like:
- Ryan Fitzpatrick's poise and leadership and every other quarterback cliche you can trove from thousands of lazy sportswriter Monday recaps over 100 years of organized football. Dude does a wonderful job at forward passing. 7 TDs through two weeks. Crazy pants.
- Running back controversy, Schmunning schmack schmontroversey (that was hard to write). Spiller had a nice day with 60+ in addition to Fast Frederick's monster day. Oakland D is not that bad either. 2nd Half Offense leads me to believe that we may be slightly (ONLY SLIGHTLY) for real.
- The fact that we won is something I really like. Especially marching down the field with less than 2 to go. Get the fuck outta here, David Nelson.
I google image'd "David Nelson" and found this picture of a David Nelson who enjoys lutes and mutton chops. It would have been an insult to our readers if I didn't post this picture.
WEEK 3, OR HOW TOM BRADY PUT US ALL BACK IN OUR COLLECTIVE PLACE WITH A STRONG, HANDSOME PIMP HAND
Best Bills early season since forever? Best Bills early season since forever. Enjoy it now, because old sweet cheeks is coming back to town on Sunday to make us all remember what happens when we don't put the lotion in the basket.
"I've come to crush your dreams and steal your women."
The Pats look like they're old 2006-2007 selves again, with Brady throwing video game touchdowns at will. He's 60 yards away from 1,000 yards passing and we haven't even had Week 2's Monday Night matchup yet. Get the shit out of my house. Also the Law Firm of Ben Jarvus Green Ellis looks like a dreadlocked downhill machine....which is exactly what the Patriots need...MORE WEAPONS (some times I feel like they run the ball just because they feel they feel obligated to run due to tradition). The tight ends had a combined 11 catches for 148 yards and 3 touchdowns. Also, Deion Branch's corpse caught 8 balls for 129 yards. And Wes Welker still collects a paycheck. Kill me now.
Moral of the story? Let's enjoy the shit out of this week, oversleep on Sunday, and reconvene next Tuesday pretending Week 3 never happened. I think we'll all be healthier for it.
ACTUAL FOOTBALL WHAT HAVE YOU
Normally I'd be all gung ho to drop some footy knowledge on you, what with the Champions League Group Play beginning, the MLS Playoff picture shaping up, and several high profile rivalry derbies throughout the big European club leagues, but 2 Liverpool players were sent off en route to a 0-4 loss to Tottenham this weekend, so I'm not in the fucking mood.
kick you in the face.
MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL IS THE WORST
For serious, it's Rams vs. Giants. This could be the worst game of the week, aside from Detroit vs. Kansas City. I'm shocked we're already at bad Monday Night Matchups in week 2! Hopefully the game will be competitive. I'm not sure how that will happen, because I feel that the two quarterbacks involved are products of years of southern white inbreeding (Eli is a dead behind the eyes mouthbreather and Sam Bradford is....well he's fucking crosseyed). Is Stephen Jackson able to walk yet? My fantasy teams are really eating it due to his loss (Mike Williams is not a viable wide receiver option, FYI).
MICHAEL VICK IS A SCUMBAG DOG MURDERER WHO IS NOW A CONCUSSED SCUMBAG DOG MURDERER
Does this make me happy? Ideally, no. Realistically, of fucking course.
It's a cultural thing though, Tony Dungy. No seriously, it is.
That's what they said in Europe in the '30s, you apologetic philistine.
I still hate you Michael Vick. I hope they throw batteries at the Ralph (HE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT NO HE DID NOT THAT IS HORRIBLE FOR SHAME).
Fine, not batteries, but gross things that will cause you much dismay.
"this paper towel is your face, Vick!"