Epitome of industry, Dirk Kuyt, with an industrial header up Manchester's ass.
Dirk Kuyt is a terrible striker. He has no skill on the ball, he can't turn quickly, his shot placement is bad, and he's not particularly tall. With the departure of Fernando Douchebag Asswipe Traitor Torres to Chelski this past January, my hopes for Liverpool were seriously in doubt with Kuyt as the squad's main man up front. Suarez & Carroll were noisily brought in, but injury & disqualification sidelined them (and my enthusiasm) for the majority of February. The past 6 weeks of Liverpool's offensive hopes have rested squarely upon the shoulders of The Flying Dutchman. Strangely enough, in a roundabout way, he has delivered. It's unfathomable, but somehow it happened. The slow burn of Kuyt's offensive prowess blew up this weekend at Anfield in the greatest Derby match of them all, Liverpool vs. Manure United.
'We're good at kicking. Let's celebrate with man-hugs.'
For those of you not in the know (or you idiots out there who still believe NASCAR is more interesting than the beautiful game... yes, Scizz, that's you... dickheel), the Liverpool vs. Manchester Derby is New York vs. Boston... in 1977.
'Man, f--- yo 4/5 train. I walk to the game!'
In typical fashion, Sir Alex Ferguson has the Red Devils of Manchester on the title track. Liverpool, on the other hand, has been in steady decline since finishing in 2nd place in the 08/09 EPL season. Fighting their way back from the relegation end of the table, LFC have been on the business end of a roller coaster run, with new manager Kenny "The King" Dalglish trying to turn the fortunes around of a club who only recently were basically destitute and operated in a chaotic state very similar to that of the Buffalo Bills.
'What's that? Soccer? I don't know anything about that. Although I'm fairly sure I've pissed myself. Do I hear Rosemary Clooney?'
This weekend, however, Dirk Kuyt (with a little help from Uruguayan Winger Luis Suarez) made all of those memories/realities wash away. With a tap in, a header, and another tap in, Kuyt slew the dragon that is Manchester United. It was brilliant. Every goal was an illustration of what I've come to love about Dirk Kuyt. All the technical flair was done by someone else, while all Kuyt had to do was crash the net like a crazed Viking. It paid off when Luis Suarez basically broke the legs of the Manchester backline for a Kuyt tap in from about 5 inches out. Again, when rising young actress Nani fired a header back at his own goal, Kuyt was there with a diving header to put the 'Pool up 2. And finally, another net crash off a Luis Suarez bending sizzler of a free kick to tap in the trick to his hat. It was brilliant in its simplicity. No technical ability, all crash. It's extremely difficult for me, a Buffalo guy, to not love a player like that. Which brings me to my next point...
Beware the Flying Dutchman.
BUFFALO NEEDS MORE PLAYERS LIKE DIRK KUYT. Crash the net, downhill, hard-working, high-motor monsters with no discernible skill other than drive. If you filled the Sabres & Bills with guys like that, I'm pretty sure they'd have a chance week in and week out. Or at least a better chance than we've come to expect over the last decade.