What a lovely couple of weeks we've had in the world of "du Hockey". The Jets are back, the Thrash are out, and Gary Bettman is getting his Southern Strategy forced right back down his throat. I'm super pumped about these recent developments. Hopefully the end game is the return of The Whale.
- If a Canadian Team is in the Stanley Cup Finals, I will root for said team unless they are playing my beloved Buffalo Sabres
- If the area in which your hockey team competes professionally has no snow, you and all of your ilk are undeserving of a hockey team
- Canada is the Rightful Birthplace of Hockey, and the Northeast and the State of Minnesota are where Hockey went to High School & College, respectively (capital letters....clearly I struggle With Them)
- If you have a Southern Accent, no matter how much Hockey knowledge you possess (even if you have more than me), I will always snootily look down upon you with disdain
- Somewhere high in the Canadian Rockies, giant awesome defenseman are forged and I want my entire team's blueline to be stocked with them........always!
1.) Portland, Oregon: How the shyte does Portland NOT have a team yet? Are we seriously bandying about Kansas City & Las Vegas before we even consider the Pacific North West? I don't care about "growing the sport", I care about the sport not being embarrassed on National Television by showing empty arenas like Carolina, Atlanta, & Florida (seriously, throw all the stats you want at me....those arenas are empty...always. Watch a game.) Hockey is a sport that appeals to a select few people. You need a combination of shitty weather, plenty of cold, and a population that's just odd enough (read: Canadian) to really support the shit out of the squad and make it successful. From what I've read and heard about Portland, and seen with the Timbers and the Blazers, Portland is the place to be for the NHL. I mean shit the biggest bar downtown is the Spirit of 77, the last time the Blazers won the title (begrudging hat tip to Bill Simmons the Sports Douche for that tidbit). Portland Blades? Portland Ice Loggers? Portland Axe Men? Portland Chainsaws? THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS.
-1.) Sunrise, Florida: What does Sun do to Ice? Melts it. What does the State of Florida do to Professional Sports? Kills it. That simile (not the right word) is outlandishly stretched reasoning enough for me to confidently declare the Florida Panthers to be utterly useless in the NHL. They took a fairly stacked expansion squad to the finals in '96, and now nobody cares about them. Seriously, the only time you hear about the Panthers is when one of their rare good players is leaving in Free Agency/is on the trading block. Never do you hear "watch out for the Panthers!" If you do hear that, you are clearly in the wilderness and are in grave danger. FYI get the shit out of there before you are eaten.
-2.) Raleigh-Durham, North Carolina: I know, all you Buffalo Ex-Pats down there....you all love your Good Ole Boy Hockey. Guess what? I hate you. All of you. Your weather is better, your BBQ is better, and your economy is better. Upon that principle alone I should revoke your hockey team. But there are valid reasons for you douchejuices losing your hockey squad: You. Won. Our. Cup. Seriously that shit should have been ours if not for a scarlet fever/typhoid breakout among the Buffalo Sabres Defensive Corps of 05/06. So that was fairly recent. And yet you still face empty arenas. YES ALL OF YOU NAYSAYERS IF YOU HAVE A TEAM YOU SHOULD FOLLOW IT REGARDLESS OF THE RECORD. SHOW UP, CHEER, THEN BLOG HATRED LATER. DON'T JUST NOT SHOW UP AT ALL. Seriously, go eff yourselves, Canes. You let a team 100,000 miles north of you (geography expert) own your arena twice a year. Ridiculous. Go away.
-4.) Columbus, Ohio: Aside from the entire state, Ohioans, the stupid fucking State University, and the idea that this town and her statewide brethren are why we're fighting two endless wars and have national debt up to our eyeballs and rent our collective refrigerator from the Chinese, I don't particularly have a problem with Columbus or Ohio. That being said, all of those reasons plus they have Rick Nash and we don't are reason enough for them not to have a team. THANK YOU FOR VOTING STUPID MY FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE, ASS HATS. YOU SHOULD ALL HAVE YOUR VOTING RIGHTS REVOKED FOR THREE ELECTION CYCLES. ALSO JOHN BOEHNER TANS AND CRIES. A BUNCH. (Like I said, Ad Hominem)
-5.) Uniondale, New York: Holy shit. I realize Nassau County has an agreement in principle with billionaire crybaby Charles Wang to build a new stadium. If I were a Long Islander, I would be FURIOUS at this, considering they'll be throwing Nassau County Tax $$ to Charles Wang, he of the 15-year-contract-to-Rick-DiPietro approval. Also, Nassau County may be the most depressing place on earth. Imagine a shitty Billy Joel song on loop, forever. This is the worst fan experience in sports, by far. Living dangerously close to this area, we at DGWU have all had the unpleasant opportunity to attend a match at this arena, and heavens to betsy it's like stepping on a turd and calling it hockey. Think the old Aud with all of the bad and none of the charm. But worse looking. And more depressing. Actually, think of the Aud when it was being demolished, and you have an idea as to what Nassau Coliseum is like when it's fully operational. Add the shittiest management team in all of hockey and you have the worst hockey market in the Northeast if not the East Coast. I think their average attendance last year was -3,231. Seriously you couldn't pay me to go back there. And apparently you can't pay the actual fans of the team either.