Well shit. Where to begin? As I correctly predicted last week, I was a total idiot for once again getting my hopes up for a Buffalo Bills football season. But then again, at least I kind of/sort of saw it coming and drank enough alcohol on Sunday to numb the pain.
Of course, Monday was a different story. Still exhausted from the copious amounts of beer/vodka/whiskey (and a random Jager Bomb) that was consumed, I was forced to recount the previous day's outcome. Ryan Fitzpatrick looks like hot garbage. The defensive line is NOT who we thought they were. The secondary is an absolute joke. And of course, the injury bug has already hit big, as Fred-Ex is out for at least three weeks and David Nelson is out for the year, in a position of need where the team was already extremely undermanned. OH THE JOYS OF FOOTBALL!!!
Yet I'm not here to continue to whine and complain about how shitty the team looked in week one. There is enough of that everywhere (with obvious good reason). No, these previews aren't recaps, they are about looking forward and enjoying football, which is the most awesome-est sport in the world. In fact, as I said to the Yachtsman earlier today, I can't fully write this team off yet. I just can't. Because really, who am I betting against? If the Bills continue to suck, then it's just another year where by week 10 I have my Sundays back. Cool. However, If the Bills bounce back and show some of that early season 2011 spark, then maybe, just maaaaaaaaybe these ass clowns can still pull it together and all hope won't be lost. Naturally, as a fan I prefer the latter, but at this point in my life, I'm just going to enjoy football season and hope for the best. Brace yourselves, the Scizz is trying to keep things positive! Check it out after the jump....
The offensive line also looked solid. Besides some costly penalties, Fitz was never sacked. This trend continues from last season and has been one of the only shining stars. However, Fitz probably should have taken at least one of the sacks that turned into a god awful Jets interception!!!! (Breathe Scizz! Go to your happy place! Ah, there it is. The 2017 Harrington trial.)
Finally, there is no way the defensive line can be non-existent again this week, right? RIGHT??? How can the so-called best new d-line in the league completely no-show against a mediocre Chiefs offensive line and Matt "Tom Brady Lite" Cassel in front of a raucous home crowd???????
Don't answer that.
Nothing from the Chiefs stands out to me. Cassel sucks, Jamaal Charles can be explosive, but constant injuries appear to have slowed him down a step, and the defense is a who's who of who?? Then again, nothing from the Jets looked impressive either, and Buffalo made them look like a legit title contender, so in no way should the fans be too cocky. But you know what? I haven't been to a home game in 8 years and I'll be tailgating there with DGWU Sports for the FIRST TIME! That's right! I have never drank with these bozo's in the lots surrounding Ralp....fuck it, RICH STADIUM! I'm putting my dollar on the Bills. And if they lose, I'll use that dollar during week 10 when I'm grocery shopping at Trader Joe's. Wasabi Peas FTW!!!! Let's do this!!!!!!!!!
Based on last week's debacle, coming up with three keys for the Bills was pretty easy. Also, I'm an idiot and only played organized football from the ages of 9 to 12, so you can also smash your head against a pile of broken glass and get just about equal insight. Franklinville Pony Football 4 Life!
1. Run the GOD DAMN FUCKING BALL RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE STOOOOOOOOOOOOORM!!!!! Spiller averaged 12.1 yards per carry. Say that to yourself again. I get that late in the game Buffalo has to keep throwing the ball to catch-up, but even before that, the Jets could not slow Spiller down. Enough with the 5-wide sets on 2nd and 7, Chan. We get it, you like to throw. But Fitz is a disaster right now and a ground attack may be your only shot. Get on it.
2. The defensive line has to put constant pressure on Matt Cassel. Obvious again, I know. Not just because constant disruption of the quarterback always helps, but because if Cassel gets any decent time to throw he can pick apart the pile of dog feces the Bills call a secondary. Seriously, two guys named Stephen Hill and Jeremy Kerley looked like the second coming of Duper and Clayton against these guys. I think everyone, myself included, were confident in this unit because we assumed Gilmore and Aaron Williams were ready. Guess what? They're not even close. They both got torched on pump fakes and looked out of place for the majority of the game, and if these two can't figure it out, then relying on "the Deeg's most hated" Leodis McKelvin and Mr. Glass, Terrance McGee, is going to leave them fucked Six Ways to Sunday, which I should mention is an excellent porn from the late nineties starring Jenna Haze and Peter North.
3. Calm. The fuck. Down. Last week I said the Bills had to establish control early, and obviously they did not. This week, these guys need to just relax and play their game. Yes, I know that is shit-tastically cliche, but compare this squad to last year. From day one the 2011 Bills simply had that look of "we got this". Never any panic, even in that first season loss to the Giants. Now you look at this team from the tail end of last year until now, and the mistakes are flying everywhere. The aforementioned biting on pump fakes, the head scratching Fitzpatrick throws, the unexplainable shitting of the bed by a normally strong special teams, and anything else you can possibly think of. Chill, guys. This is your job. Do it. /Goes back to reading Game of Thrones
"Tom Sawyer" by Rush. It was Neil Peart's birthday on the day I wrote this. Plus, Rush is fucking awesome and members of the Deeg will be seeing them live in October. Boom.
"Firestarter" by The Prodigy. I don't care that I'll take shit for this. This song is ridiculous and the video kills me even more. What a bunch of fucking lunatics.
"Protect Ya Neck" by Wu-Tang Clan. Why? In the words of the Outlander, "Fuck you, that's why".
Random Buffalo Bill of the week:
Clarkston Hines: I'm betting that nobody remembers this guy, because in all honesty, I don't believe he ever took a snap as a Buffalo Bill in the regular season. What this 9th round pick in the 1990 draft did do (Remember when there was like 12 rounds?) was give me an autograph at a Bills charity basketball game after fat-fuck Leon Seals walked by me like I wasn't there. IT STILL HURTS, LEON!
Best Twitter Bills fan of the week:
@runthedive - Eli here has become a new favorite of DGWU Sports. I discovered him back when the Sandusky trial broke and, as a PSU fan, his straight forward take on the horrific nature of the situation mixed with well-crafted snark aimed at idiots who don't know the difference between a former student and a child rapist made me follow him immediately. Since then I learned he was not only a Bills fan, but a realistic Bills fan who refuses to drink the kool-aid/Barnett Blood of the Bills Mafia and will call you out if you say dumb shit. He also knows more about college football than I could ever hope to and announced yesterday on twitter that he is going to be writing for SB Nation. Cool pants. Give him a follow and tell him "Scizz sent ya". Wait, that's super weird and creepy. Just tell him I think he's handsome. Wait, no. Yes. Definitely handsome.
Worst Twitter Bills fan of the week:
Who else but Matty Stewzzzzz??? I think Yachtsman can give you enough reason right here. I'd give you his twitter handle but he'll just block you. I still like him a whole lots and dream he smells like lilacs.
Top Stat line of the week: Kyle Williams - 6 tackles, 2 sacks, 3 hurries, 1 pass deflection.
This has to happen right? The defensive line HAS to come through! I'm putting my money on big Kyle. Time to show why he earns that "C" on his jersey. (Sidenote: last week I had David Nelson here. We all know what happened. If Williams goes down I will A) Hit myself in the face a steel toed boot and then B) choose Leodis McKelvin every week until he gets hit by a bus.
Garbage pale Stat line of the week: Tashard Choice - 9 carries, 7 yards, 0 touchdowns.
I pretty much nailed it with Arthur Moats last week, who only had 3 ASSISTED tackles, so I bet I can keep the sadness going. You know Chan is going to give Choice carries. He loves his favorites, and despite Spiller's success he'll make sure to allow him eight too many chances to prove himself. Hopefully none at the goal-line this week.
Potential Chiefs Injuries of the week:
Brady Quinn - Anal Fissures
Peyton Hillis – White People Problems
Eric Berry – Torn ACL, MCL, GCL, KCL, 9CL, & @CL. All from a chop block hopefully.
Potential Bills Injuries for the week:
Mario Williams - Baby Colic (I kid!)
Eric Wood - Extended erection. Get it? Cause his name is "wood"? Like a weiner!!!??!!?!?
Stephon Gilmore - Two shattered ankles
Last week I was off the mark. Although Joe Pinzone was indeed hammered on Bloody Mary's and Jack Daniels, he was definitely not the drunkest. That title, confirmed by my lovely fiancee upon arrival home, was 100% me. According to the Yachtsman, it was neck and neck between me and the Barrister, who actually showed up to the tailgate hammered after being in a wedding the night before and staying up until 5 am drinking gin and smoking cigars, but I pulled away on the home stretch and almost pee'd myself in the car (which you can listen to during episode 35 of the CrapTastiCast!) Luckily I didn't do anything too stupid and ended up being a delightful drunk. Not always the case.
This week is a different story. I will be heading back to my parents house afterwards, so although I certainly won't be sober, I have to make sure not to cross the line between fun drunk and "oh god he's gone cross-eyed" drunk. I'm taking myself out of it. The Barrister will not be joining us, as he is on #BabyWatch2012 (that sounds so creepy), and while I'm sure he will be drinking, it will be nowhere near the levels of the rest of us. So he's out. The Apologist jumps in on the action AND on the week of his 30th birthday, so he could always take home the title if the day goes long enough, but from what I hear, his whole family will be at this outing, so I'll play that card and eliminate him.
The Yachtsman is driving to the game again, however he has mentioned hitching a ride home with a friend, which means he could easily throw back one too many 9% ABV IPA's and get violent. But is he the favorite? I have to say no. The Outlander, our Buffalo Correspondent, will be joining us for some tailgating, and from what I hear, this guy can booze it up with the best of them. He also mentioned that he is taking Monday off from work, which is ALWAYS a sign that someone expects to be a drunken disaster. The Outlander it is. Let the games begin....again.
Overall Score: God help us all.
Bills 20 - Chiefs 17