Good talk, Clarence.
The Yachtsman
/tired ass joke about me writing as much as Clarence Thomas speaks while The Court is in session.
You're all gonna hate this....
BEHOLD THE SEASON IS UPON US. How psyched are you? I, for one, am super enthused. If you are an idiot and listen to our podcasts (I don't and neither should you, if only to piss off Scizz and Dubs), you know that I no longer care for the brand of hockey peddled upon us by both Darcy Regier and Gary Bettman. There are SO MANY bettererer things you could be spending your hard earned money on. Elective dental surgery is live Shakespeare at the Globe Theater in comparison to whatever mediocre shitheels trot out on the ice on Sunday. But let's face it, your life is intertwined with this team (thusly making you a pathetic individual, much like myself /scotch) and community, so let's get you ready for this season in true asshole internet sociopath style....
/tired ass joke about me writing as much as Clarence Thomas speaks while The Court is in session.
You're all gonna hate this....
BEHOLD THE SEASON IS UPON US. How psyched are you? I, for one, am super enthused. If you are an idiot and listen to our podcasts (I don't and neither should you, if only to piss off Scizz and Dubs), you know that I no longer care for the brand of hockey peddled upon us by both Darcy Regier and Gary Bettman. There are SO MANY bettererer things you could be spending your hard earned money on. Elective dental surgery is live Shakespeare at the Globe Theater in comparison to whatever mediocre shitheels trot out on the ice on Sunday. But let's face it, your life is intertwined with this team (thusly making you a pathetic individual, much like myself /scotch) and community, so let's get you ready for this season in true asshole internet sociopath style....
"I did something relatively competently! I hope everyone blogs about it!"
FORGOTTEN:
Paul Gaustad:
Right before I moved to New York City, just after the second work stoppage that spawned so many of you obnoxious assholes (the kind who will defend Drew Stafford until the death but couldn't name who Hasek replaced), I watched a game in which Paul Gaustad played hockey. He hit, he passed, he defended, he created, and he looked very good.
That was the last time Paul Gaustad was good at hockey. (ZOMFG HE'S BEING SO UNFAIR) He is gone now. We all rejoice. Thanks for getting your ass handed to you by Lucic. I have no love for you.
Derek Roy:
Easily the most frustrating Sabre since Miroslav Satan was plying his trade nowhere near physical play or anything resembling clutch. I liked Derek Roy for a total of 78 minutes during his Sabre Career. I was far too inebriated to remember those moments, but my heritage dictates I love all people when my liver is coated with speed rack whiskey. He scored and occasionally won faceoffs, but other than that I despised his whining/diving/partying ways. Derek Roy is the guy who thinks he's the coke addled, whiskey soaked, pugilistic novelist but in reality is the adderrall abusing, Long Island Iced Tea sipping, snarky twittering blogger.
*crickets*
EVERYBODY SHUT UP.
Luke Adam:
Okay he's not really gone, but I don't really do "research" or "care" about anything. I get my news from whatever happens to show up from @PhillBBG in my twitter timeline, and it looks to me that Luke Adam isn't in the favor of the Great and Powerful Lindy at the moment. So let's say he's gone too.
Blogger Summits:
I haven't heard about one of these in a while, and that could be for one of two reasons: a) We're NEVER invited back to anything Sabres after Renn described Mike Harrington's sweaty mullet in detail at a game b) the organization realized letting a bunch of nerds sit around and fart in the press box after eating wings and beer was a colossal waste of time because we were all going to fellate new ownership (simply because Pegula isn't Golisano) anyway.
Paul Gaustad:
Right before I moved to New York City, just after the second work stoppage that spawned so many of you obnoxious assholes (the kind who will defend Drew Stafford until the death but couldn't name who Hasek replaced), I watched a game in which Paul Gaustad played hockey. He hit, he passed, he defended, he created, and he looked very good.
That was the last time Paul Gaustad was good at hockey. (ZOMFG HE'S BEING SO UNFAIR) He is gone now. We all rejoice. Thanks for getting your ass handed to you by Lucic. I have no love for you.
Derek Roy:
Easily the most frustrating Sabre since Miroslav Satan was plying his trade nowhere near physical play or anything resembling clutch. I liked Derek Roy for a total of 78 minutes during his Sabre Career. I was far too inebriated to remember those moments, but my heritage dictates I love all people when my liver is coated with speed rack whiskey. He scored and occasionally won faceoffs, but other than that I despised his whining/diving/partying ways. Derek Roy is the guy who thinks he's the coke addled, whiskey soaked, pugilistic novelist but in reality is the adderrall abusing, Long Island Iced Tea sipping, snarky twittering blogger.
*crickets*
EVERYBODY SHUT UP.
Luke Adam:
Okay he's not really gone, but I don't really do "research" or "care" about anything. I get my news from whatever happens to show up from @PhillBBG in my twitter timeline, and it looks to me that Luke Adam isn't in the favor of the Great and Powerful Lindy at the moment. So let's say he's gone too.
Blogger Summits:
I haven't heard about one of these in a while, and that could be for one of two reasons: a) We're NEVER invited back to anything Sabres after Renn described Mike Harrington's sweaty mullet in detail at a game b) the organization realized letting a bunch of nerds sit around and fart in the press box after eating wings and beer was a colossal waste of time because we were all going to fellate new ownership (simply because Pegula isn't Golisano) anyway.
SOMEHOW YOU'RE STILL HERE:
Lindy Ruff & Darcy Regier:
The guy who signed Ville Leino is still our GM. The guy who breaks up lines immediately after they gel and begin scoring/playing well is still the coach. If you want to see improvement out of your Buffalo Sabres this year, it will not come from either of these geniuses, no matter how much you want to spin the John Scott/Steve Ott signings as progress.
Regier's unwillingness to let his little pets go has handcuffed this team and the direction of the franchise. I imagine this is the season Ted Black and Terry Pegula will get the message. If not, we're all doomed.
The bottom line on Ruff is that he crushes the confidence of rookies, plays favorites ad nauseam, and has never crafted an offensive identity save for two years when he had arguably the two best playmaking forwards in the division. His schtick is perfect for the late 90s. Now it's tired and worn out. If this team makes the playoffs it may be wholly in spite of Ruff's best laid plans (BUT THEY'LL BE SO SOUND IN THEIR OWN ZONE /hangs self)
Ryan Miller:
All you need to know about our nervous schizo of a goaltender is that he has his own version of a shutout, which isn't a fucking shutout, it's a masterful performance save for one (sometimes two) bonehead soft goals he lets in. Ryan MIller lives and dies by the sword he creates in his head that nobody has been able to figure out yet. If we want him to be successful, Lindy should sit him once in a while and Ted Black should hire the best sports psychologist in the United States.
That last sentence was so @JoeBuffaloWins I feel like I should add some typos and a "fucken" in there somewhere.
Ville Leino:
Still alive. Still playing hockey. Still earning more than you'll earn in your lifetime.
Drew Stafford:
Everything I dislike about this current Sabre roster is encapsulated in Drew Stafford. Huge player that won't hit? Check. Streaky scorer that disappears for *months* at a time? Check. Natural Goal Scoring Talent but Hands of Stone When You Need Him in The Clutch? Check.
Robyn Regehr:
Here's an idea that I thought of only in hindsight so realistically I can't blame the organization but they're the ones who are paid to understand the NHL and I'm just a gradually getting out of shape blogger (run on): the Eastern Conference is a much more finesse conference (that's just style of play, not success) than the Western Conference, and maybe a slow skating wrecking ball who's a little long in the tooth wasn't the right idea for a division that is full of youth/size/speed. Hey, maybe he'll get it right this year.
Sabres Parody Accounts:
I DO NOT APPROVE OF THIS TIE, OR ANY TIE, ANYWHERE, ANYPLACE. Die in a fire.
Lindy Ruff & Darcy Regier:
The guy who signed Ville Leino is still our GM. The guy who breaks up lines immediately after they gel and begin scoring/playing well is still the coach. If you want to see improvement out of your Buffalo Sabres this year, it will not come from either of these geniuses, no matter how much you want to spin the John Scott/Steve Ott signings as progress.
Regier's unwillingness to let his little pets go has handcuffed this team and the direction of the franchise. I imagine this is the season Ted Black and Terry Pegula will get the message. If not, we're all doomed.
The bottom line on Ruff is that he crushes the confidence of rookies, plays favorites ad nauseam, and has never crafted an offensive identity save for two years when he had arguably the two best playmaking forwards in the division. His schtick is perfect for the late 90s. Now it's tired and worn out. If this team makes the playoffs it may be wholly in spite of Ruff's best laid plans (BUT THEY'LL BE SO SOUND IN THEIR OWN ZONE /hangs self)
Ryan Miller:
All you need to know about our nervous schizo of a goaltender is that he has his own version of a shutout, which isn't a fucking shutout, it's a masterful performance save for one (sometimes two) bonehead soft goals he lets in. Ryan MIller lives and dies by the sword he creates in his head that nobody has been able to figure out yet. If we want him to be successful, Lindy should sit him once in a while and Ted Black should hire the best sports psychologist in the United States.
That last sentence was so @JoeBuffaloWins I feel like I should add some typos and a "fucken" in there somewhere.
Ville Leino:
Still alive. Still playing hockey. Still earning more than you'll earn in your lifetime.
Drew Stafford:
Everything I dislike about this current Sabre roster is encapsulated in Drew Stafford. Huge player that won't hit? Check. Streaky scorer that disappears for *months* at a time? Check. Natural Goal Scoring Talent but Hands of Stone When You Need Him in The Clutch? Check.
Robyn Regehr:
Here's an idea that I thought of only in hindsight so realistically I can't blame the organization but they're the ones who are paid to understand the NHL and I'm just a gradually getting out of shape blogger (run on): the Eastern Conference is a much more finesse conference (that's just style of play, not success) than the Western Conference, and maybe a slow skating wrecking ball who's a little long in the tooth wasn't the right idea for a division that is full of youth/size/speed. Hey, maybe he'll get it right this year.
Sabres Parody Accounts:
I DO NOT APPROVE OF THIS TIE, OR ANY TIE, ANYWHERE, ANYPLACE. Die in a fire.
Drew Stafford's Off Season. /i hate myself for continuing this joke.
HOPEFULLY YOU'LL BE A POSITIVE:
Tyler Myers:
Myers was drafted in '08. It's been 5 years since we started salivating over what it could mean to have a monstrous scoring defenseman on our team. That promise is somewhat unfulfilled, but I think this will truly (barring Myers health) be his breakout year. Now if we could just fire Lindy Ruff so he could be allowed to be more adventurous on offense....
Cody Hodgson:
Trading Hodgson for Kassian still looks like a lateral move, considering he and Kassian had similar stats. He'll be depended upon heavily for scoring depth this year. If he breaks out, they could be a playoff team. He won't though, because we can't have nice things and nothing is fun.
Thomas Vanek:
Three things have to happen this year for all of you mouthbreathers to finally appreciate Thomas Vanek, who's been our best player for the past 5 years:
1.) Lindy Ruff must be fired, because he's clipped Vanek's wings since he was a rookie
2.) Vanek must stay healthy, and in order to do that he must be protected by his 6'2 220 lb linemate who refuses to hit anyone
3.) The Sabres must get him an effective, top line pivot to feed him the puck in the areas where he can produce./hahahahhahahahaahah how many times have we said that.
Mikhail Gigorenko:
When hockey expert Jerry Sullivan basically calls you Mario Lemieux, followed by Goose's Roost writing a pump the brakes article about you, you are someone to whom I should be paying attention. I won't, however, because I AM naive enough to believe that Ruff & Regier will royally fuck this situation so that we won't be able to make horribly stupid memes and hashtags about #25 until the 13/14 Season.
Jason Pominville:
Here's a list of worse captains than ours:
- Landeskog (for like another two weeks)
- Whoever climbs to the top of the shit pile that is Columbus
- Brenden Morrow
- Shawn Horcoff
- Brian Gionta
- Mark Streit (although if he were on any other team than the Islanders he'd be off this list)
- Vinny Lecavalier (over the hill)
- Dion Phaneuf (bwahahahha Leafs)
- Andrew Ladd
We're in the middle of the pack with respect to Captains in the league. Pominville had his best season in a long time last year. I think he's very underrated. There. I admit my mistake, Jason Pominville is a good player. I hate all of you.
Tyler Myers:
Myers was drafted in '08. It's been 5 years since we started salivating over what it could mean to have a monstrous scoring defenseman on our team. That promise is somewhat unfulfilled, but I think this will truly (barring Myers health) be his breakout year. Now if we could just fire Lindy Ruff so he could be allowed to be more adventurous on offense....
Cody Hodgson:
Trading Hodgson for Kassian still looks like a lateral move, considering he and Kassian had similar stats. He'll be depended upon heavily for scoring depth this year. If he breaks out, they could be a playoff team. He won't though, because we can't have nice things and nothing is fun.
Thomas Vanek:
Three things have to happen this year for all of you mouthbreathers to finally appreciate Thomas Vanek, who's been our best player for the past 5 years:
1.) Lindy Ruff must be fired, because he's clipped Vanek's wings since he was a rookie
2.) Vanek must stay healthy, and in order to do that he must be protected by his 6'2 220 lb linemate who refuses to hit anyone
3.) The Sabres must get him an effective, top line pivot to feed him the puck in the areas where he can produce./hahahahhahahahaahah how many times have we said that.
Mikhail Gigorenko:
When hockey expert Jerry Sullivan basically calls you Mario Lemieux, followed by Goose's Roost writing a pump the brakes article about you, you are someone to whom I should be paying attention. I won't, however, because I AM naive enough to believe that Ruff & Regier will royally fuck this situation so that we won't be able to make horribly stupid memes and hashtags about #25 until the 13/14 Season.
Jason Pominville:
Here's a list of worse captains than ours:
- Landeskog (for like another two weeks)
- Whoever climbs to the top of the shit pile that is Columbus
- Brenden Morrow
- Shawn Horcoff
- Brian Gionta
- Mark Streit (although if he were on any other team than the Islanders he'd be off this list)
- Vinny Lecavalier (over the hill)
- Dion Phaneuf (bwahahahha Leafs)
- Andrew Ladd
We're in the middle of the pack with respect to Captains in the league. Pominville had his best season in a long time last year. I think he's very underrated. There. I admit my mistake, Jason Pominville is a good player. I hate all of you.
Samesies!
HORRIBLE PREDICTION:
10th Place. I'm sorry if you came here looking for rosy rah rah Up With People Up With Buffalo. You won't find it. This is a flawed hockey team, one that is in desperate need of secondary scoring and at least two top centers. The defense is fairly solid, the goaltending should be effective if not stellar if someone can get his head out of his ass, but we're not going to score many goals this year. We didn't last year, nor did we the year before. Do I want the Sabres to succeed? Yes! Am I an individual who is capable of seeing fairly obvious truths staring at me in the face upon the brink of a new campaign? Also yes. I'm sorry to disappoint all of you. Hopefully the Sabres make me look like a dumbshit. It's not out of the question. I am fairly awful. Now hit the lights.
10th Place. I'm sorry if you came here looking for rosy rah rah Up With People Up With Buffalo. You won't find it. This is a flawed hockey team, one that is in desperate need of secondary scoring and at least two top centers. The defense is fairly solid, the goaltending should be effective if not stellar if someone can get his head out of his ass, but we're not going to score many goals this year. We didn't last year, nor did we the year before. Do I want the Sabres to succeed? Yes! Am I an individual who is capable of seeing fairly obvious truths staring at me in the face upon the brink of a new campaign? Also yes. I'm sorry to disappoint all of you. Hopefully the Sabres make me look like a dumbshit. It's not out of the question. I am fairly awful. Now hit the lights.
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