A meaningless Bills game in December?? That means Christmas is almost here!!!!!
Last week our beloved (in September - November) Buffalo Bills took it to the even more-so dysfunctional Jacksonville Jaguars in front of a crowd of 147 at Ralph Wilson Stadium. Seriously, my Albanian friend Tom's wedding to a Lebanese girl had more people at it (also, a belly dancer, but that's a conversation for different day). The Bills played well in almost every facet of the game, and I had a pretty nice time drinking a few beers and watching it without a care in the world. Until, of course as I mentioned last week, when I realized the win just pushes them further towards mediocrity and the 15th pick overall. Ugh, why can't they just "Billose" and let me get on with my life? (I just copyrighted that so back the fuck off.)
I think the Continental handled that question well in her mailbag yesterday, but honestly I still don't know what to do anymore. Just like Office Mac explaining his second rendezvous with crabs, we've been here before haven't we? I sort of care about the games, but when all my non-Buffalo friends have teams with solid playoff aspirations, it just stings too much to still be that die-hard fan that mouth-breathers with Bills tattoos think you should be. The Bills are not fuckin' Rudy here folks, they're Giovanni Ribisi in The Other Sister; trying to take pride in what they do but failing miserably at it while making the people watching feel uncomfortable.
I'm keeping it short this week because I literally have an hour to knock this out and I probably won't edit it either. Join me on this illiterate journey, won't you?
I forgot the Rams were actually still a team until about 3 minutes ago. The "greatest show on turf" is now a just "something that happens on Sundays". My knowledge of the current team this season is that Sam Bradford is a delightfully mediocre fantasy QB, they tied the 49ers in OT earlier this season and almost did again last week, and the attached picture of RB Daryl Richardson is hilarious. Here's what the Bills need to do to win.
1. Keep the same exact offensive game plan. See what happens when you run the ball, CHAN?!?!?!? Granted, it was Jacksonville that it worked against, but being a run first team looked awesome last week. Of course, this only makes me happy until one of you boners sends me stats that shows they actually passed more on first and second down, then this whole thing won't make any sense. Eat me.
2. The team needs to rattle Sam Bradford early and often. The kid is not a confident QB and is slowly starting to turn into Alex Smith circa 2009. He had no TD's or Int's last week, and it appears that he is too afraid to throw into any kind of tight coverage, especially when rushed heavily. On the other hand, I'm in the fantasy playoffs and I'm leaning towards starting him as my second QB, sooooooo.....
3. Uh....I got nothing. I'm bored with this. Maybe let Brad Smith play corner? Can't be any worse than Justin Rogers.
I love 90's alternative. I would see Pearl Jam 15 nights in a row if I could. I don't care how much you think that every band just ripped off each other, it all reminds me of awesome times. (no links to the actual songs this week because I don't have YouTube access)
In the Meantime by Spacehog - I. Will. Never. Tire. Of. This. Song. EVER. EEEEEEEEVVVVVEEEEEERRRR! That is all.
Backwater by the Meat Puppets - These guys were originally more of a punk-rock band in the 80's before sliding towards alternative in the 90's, but after I heard some of the members play with Nirvana on their unplugged record, I decided to buy their newest album (at the time) "Too High to Die", and this song immediately stuck out. Not long after I found out it was their first single and it has been on countless mix CD's and playlists since.
Far Behind by Candlebox - Ahhhhhhhh yeah! Candlebox yo'! Two quick stories about this band/song. First, my buddy who sometimes writes NFL draft posts for DGWU, the Wire, has been obsessed with Candlebox since the 90's and has actually seen front man Kevin Martin play live when he went solo. Yes, I realize how sad that is, but god love the Wire. When he gets into something, he gets into it. Second, a couple years backs, after a long night of drinking in the city, the lady and I (as well as some friends) stumbled into one of our favorite shitty live music venues. After consuming about seven Jack & Gingers, I continued to yell out "CANDLEBOX!! PLAY CANDLEBOX!" to the cover band that was on stage. Keep in mind that this place is incredibly tiny and our table was right by the stage. Yup, I was THAT guy. After repeating the same process for about five straight songs despite my girlfriend telling me to stop, the band leader finally leans over and says, "Sir, we are not going to play Candlebox, so please stop." Then I blacked out. ADULTHOOD!
Random Buffalo Bill of the week:
Is there any better potential Jersey purchase than C.J. Ah You? The answer is no. Ah You was drafted by the Bills in the 7th round in 2007, but was released after the pre-season. He never played a regular season game, but his name is too awesome not to mention. Also, after leaving the Bills he signed with this week's opponent, the St. Louis Rams and actually had a few decent seasons until being released after last year. C.J. Ah You, I salute you in cool NFL name history.
I was going to start leaving these out, but at the urging of the Barrister and Continental before we recorded CrapTastiCast 38, I've decided to share this story. Although, it isn't really a true hook-up, but a failure in one, I figured I'd share.
During the week before finals of my first semester as a Sophomore, I was with a bunch of friends at what had become our normal Thursday night drinking spot. It had everything we needed: shitty beer that was 50 cents before 8pm and $1 after, a bouncer who would let you in with ANY ID no matter how shitty it was (and sometimes none at all), and naturally, a ton of Freshman girls who were just discovering they could get in to a college bar. All these factors made almost every Thursday night an epic adventure. However on this night, it wasn't a Freshman that caught my eye, but rather an adorable super Senior who was way out of place.
After who knows how many beers and awful Tequila shots, I start talking to said girl at the bar who tells me she is graduating in two weeks. She has to do the mid-year graduation because she fucked up so bad Freshman year partying, that she had to make up credits. Most of her friends had already graduated, so she had been laying low all semester long, but with about a week to go, her friends had come back to visit and they are hitting up their favorite bars from the past all week long. Keep in mind, no seniors go to this bar anymore. None. This place has become a strictly lower classmen spot, so this is a situation that never exists. A senior here? And a hot senior at that? The gods were smiling.
Anyways, after talking at the uber-crowded bar all night, we drunkenly make out for about an hour and she basically says we should hang out over the next 10 days before she graduates. Translation? Let's have a 10 day fling with no strings attached because after that I'm moving away and will never see you again. This has me especially excited since I had a pretty rough semester while hung up on another girl. Yet suddenly, she is whisked away to help a friend who is puking her guts out in the bathroom before I can get her number, and I'm left to think of what might have been. End of story? NOOOOOOPE.
As we head outside at last call to grab a cab home, some friends and myself get into an over-sized minivan, and guess who is there? Super Senior and her sick friend are in the back waiting for the cabby to pick up the rest of his fares. I'm certain this fling is fate now. I go to the back, help her with her friend while my friends drunkenly yell at passing pedestrians, and before you know she is REALLY re-stating how much she thinks we need to hang out. So since this is 2000 and I'm one of the last people on Earth to get a cell phone, I tell her that I can easily memorize her extension. She says it, I repeat it and by then we are back at campus. My friends and I get dropped off first because the Senior apartments are farther away, and as we leave the cab she asks me what her number is again. I repeat it, she smiles and says "talk to you soon", just as my friends erupt in cheers of approval. It was quite romantic.
As we walk back to the dorm, my friends are high-fiving me and giving back-handed compliments about how out of her league I am, and then we start chanting her extension so I won't forget. As we get closer to the dorm, we stop chanting and my buddy Jeff comes up to me and says something along the lines of "well done" in the heartfelt bro moment of the night. I remember saying "well nothing's happened yet, who knows if this is even her real number....wait...what's her number again?" I lost it. It was gone. We tried to start the chant again but none of our dumb drunk asses could put together a simple four number combination that made sense. I blew it.
Now, like I said, I have no certain way of knowing the number was real, but we've all been given fake digits before, and many times I know it's coming. Hell, I even did it plenty myself in college, but god damn that moment was for real, and at that time I needed it. That sucked. The next morning we continued to laugh about it, and I hoped I'd see my super Senior around campus, but alas, I never saw her again.
Two weeks later, I bought a cell phone.
@Husaria - Why? Because he is a creepy Polish dude who can talk shit with the best of them. I'm not even sure if he's a Bills fan, but most people who talk about the Bills on twitter bug the fuck out of me right now, so there it is. My blog, my rules. /stomps away with pouty face
Worst Twitter Bills/Lockout fan of the week:
@JeremyWGR - 'Cause fuck that guy, AMIRITE???
Last week, I was pretty damn close with Spiller. I predicted 15 carries for 102 yards and a TD, and he had 14 carries for 77 and a TD. Then again, if it wasn't for that 44 yard TD run I wouldn't have even been close. Oh well. I was way off on McKelvin who stayed out of the slot and continued his great job with coverage. I'm afraid to get use to this.
Top Stat line of the week: Stevie Johnson - 9 catches 142 yards 2 TD's
Stevie has yet to have that really big game this season, so why not this week? Well that hammy injury might be why, but I see him rising above. If Fitz is on like last week, hopefully SJ13 can break out and have a monster game for my fantasy team....er....I mean the Bills. Yeah, the Bills!
Garbage pale Stat line of the week: Fred Jackson - 16 carries 46 yards No Touchdowns
He had a great game last week and I just have a feeling he'll struggle against the Rams front seven. Enjoy him now folks, before we trade him next season for a conditional 4th round pick that Buddy Nix will use on a lineman that will get cut by mid pre-season. BERLS!
Potential Reader Injuries of the week:
Loss of brain cells
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from Masturbation
Potential Bills Injuries for the week:
Joe Buffalo Wins Memorial Tweet of the Week:
St. Louis 20 - Buffalo 30