I can't even...
The CrapTastiCast was made for days like this. Stay tuned.
|Dear God Why Us Sports||
Holy shit. Today is hilarious.
I can't even...
I thought yesterday was shit your pants hilarious, but this is just fantastic.
The CrapTastiCast was made for days like this. Stay tuned.
I really wanted to write “Mother of God, the Buffalo Bills suck”, hit publish, and call it a day. That was the plan yesterday when I got douched on at my real job and handed a bunch of new work, but alas, it is super early Friday morning, and here I am trying to piece something together. Thanks go out to the Yachtsman who was going to take a crack at this today in my place (who am I kidding, he would have done a much better job), but since he was out last night with the Apologist celebrating the Orioles pushing a game 5 with the Yankees, I’m assuming he is still in drunken slumber.
Let’s talk about the Bills! /immediately regrets decision to write this.
Last week was an absolute atrocity. I talked with Joe Pinzone about it Monday afternoon on his Talkamania podcast (link), and could barely put together a single coherent thought. Not that that’s anything new, but this time I actually realized it. I suddenly had an awful stutter because I couldn't get the hate out fast enough. Every aspect of that game was so disgusting it became hard to identify specific problems with the Bills because EVERYTHING IS BROKEN!!!!!
-Fitzpatrick continues to prove he should not be a starting NFL quarterback.
-The offensive line, once this team’s biggest strength is, as predicted by the old Gods, falling apart with numerous injuries.
-The defensive line, which was supposed to BE the team’s biggest strength has no-showed three out of five game.
-The linebackers and secondary are still a bucket of AIDS.
-Even the clutch players like Spiller, Freddie, and Chandler are hurting this team by running the ball into the ground or not holding onto the damn ball at all.
This is exhausting.
One of the weird and awesome things about writing for this godforsaken website is that we have met some bizarre and amazing and talented people who read our site and, for some reason, think what we do here is pretty ok. Many, if not most, of these new friends have their own set of insights and, when it comes to the gentlmen contributing here today especially, very own style of contributions to the rag tag world of the Basement Brigade. These guys have already contributed to the Deeg by writing and recording our podcast's theme song, which, with the hashtag that followed, has probably helped define what we do here better than any of our hastily written, curse-laden posts have ever done. Their latest contribution, their first here not set to a rock anthem tune, is well worth the read. ~ Cheers, Barrister
_By @jambrones & @boner_shorts
I am a Jambrone.
I write songs about Buffalo sports.
I pump you up.
I make you nod your head.
I make you sing along.
And yes, I give you “douche chills.”
I get ‘em too.
Because of this rare gift, I have been relegated to the underground, where it’s dark, dirty and verbally violent. While children are singing along to the sweet melodies of my annoyingly uplifting music, I toil in the shit, the blogosphere, the underground sports media, as one of…them.
It wasn't always like this. I had a real rock band once. We played in almost every venue available for original bands in Buffalo through the 90’s. We also were able to play regularly in New York and Boston and even took a stab at a Midwest “tour”. We got to open up for big nationally known bands that everybody knew. However, we were and always will be, a “local band.”
To me, that label, “local band” is much like “blogger”, or “podcaster”, it feels the same: Subpar, subhuman, subservient, and often, subversive.
Through the Jambrones, I’ve come to realize a kinship with these fellow “CHUDs”, if you will. We share ideas about teams we love presented in a hack-like yet charming manner with no "radio voice" and little regard for journalistic tradition. And yet, we do it well enough that more than a few strangers have come forward and really like what we do.
We’re just dudes writing and talking about sports; just CHUDs...making songs, writing shit like this piece, rhyming players’ names, and ripping on Matt Ellis. It’s <gasp> fun. But ALL of us get squashed regularly by those with sports media power: The Buffalo News and WGR550.
Another weekend in the books, another slate of games where my squads shit the bed and give me more reasons to wonder whether the universe delights in pissing all over my face. Perhaps, written in my DNA somewhere, is some sign that I love Golden Showers, and the universe is simply following instructions... it would certainly explain a lot.
As for the other, more American sports you all come here to read up on, someone will be on here later this week to talk Bills, I'm sure, but in the meantime the hot takes will be soccer-centric. Bear with me, I promise many inappropriate moments to make it worth your while.
I watched a few games early in the week, including portions of a couple of Champions League matches that kind of put me to sleep, and a Liverpool Europa match that kind of made me shit in hats, but we'll start with the New York Fucking Red Bulls.
Exhibit A: Getting Smoked Off Your Own Pitch
With only three games left on the schedule, the Red Bulls hosted the Chicago Fire. The Chicago FIRE. As an aside, if you want to pretend the Deeg is somehow unreasonably inappropriate when it comes to our sports takes, don't forget the plethora of absurd and offensive team names scattered across the world, take the stick out of your ass, and laugh with the rest of us. It's fun.
As for the Fire, there are a dozen or so really dumb jokes or puns I could make, but suffice it to say that I think naming a sports team after a local tragedy is tasteless and crass and par for the course for the early days of the MLS. Just as Kansas City abandoned the dishearteningly lame "Wizards," and NY abandoned the Metro Stars and any reference to the state of New Jersey (smart move, that), it's probably time for Chicago to rebrand with something that doesn't tip it's hat to the deaths of hundreds of Chicagoishians. Because, you know, death is not. cool.
Or, you know, they could keep it since they sure brought the fire on Saturday night, right guys? /ducks
The game was saddeningly typical of Red Bulls efforts of late -- patient but uninspired possession play, with the chances few and far between and, more to the point, unsuccessful. Not that the Fire were much better, though they - via Sherjill McDonald's two goals - made the most of their opportunities, even when seeing very little of the ball.
"There was a time when we'd take a guy like you in the back and beat you with a hose." - Week 5 - 49ers/Bills
During the 2012 Buffalo Bills season, the Scizz will be writing weekly game previews that will hit your eye holes every Thursday night/Friday morning. If you've been a follower of the Deeg for a while, you may remember that last season featured previews inspired by "The Big Lebowski." This year, as voted by our loyal/psychotic/confused readers, "Super Troopers" has been chosen as the ongoing cinematic theme. After a quick rundown of the game, the rest of the post has been inspired by his idol, Drew Magary, and his weekly previews on Deadspin, and will provide you with some solid predictions (false) and other incredible insight you can only get here (so false). So sit back and enjoy the (shit)show.
The title of this post is aimed at several people. First off, Ryan Fitzpatrick. I hate to agree with Jeremy White, but his break down of how Fitz continued to miss or flat out not throw to wide open receivers while playing the Pats was an accurate portrayal of the inconsistent mass of bearded man he has always been. I understand everybody loves the guy, myself included, but when will those who are still clinging to his 12 touchdowns realize that the guy will never be better than average. I hope to God I'm wrong, but I've said it countless times on this site that Fitz is just not consistent enough to be the leader of a team that needs to focus on minimizing mistakes. He needs a hose beating.
Next up, the linebackers and secondary. Sure, the defensive line shat the bed Sunday for the 2nd time this season, but christ almighty, when they don't show up it shows how absolutely terrible the rest of the defense is. The secondary is filled with inexperienced, underachieving, and injury prone players. The linebackers are still garbage. HOT GARBAGE. I started to buy in juuuuuuuuust a little bit last week, but then they reminded me why I think they are the worst corp in the entire AFC, if not NFL. They all get the hose
Finally, anybody who is still complaining about Brian Moorman gets the hose. He's a punter. Shaun Powell did fine. Get over it. And if you think that whole swapping punters had ANYTHING to do with that monstrosity of a game on Sunday, you get beat with a hose covered in herpes and poison ivy, because you my friend, are special kind of idiot. i bet you draft kickers in the 6th round of your fantasy football draft.
The rest of the preview this week will be a little shorter in some spots because I'm lacking time and patience to sit down to write even somewhat coherent thoughts this week. Deal with it. Onto the Niners.....
With the NHL unable to get their shit together, a time normally dedicated to debating the Sabres lines and going on an NHL ’13 binge must be allocated elsewhere. With plenty of the deeg covering the comedy of errors that is the Buffalo Bills, I’ve decided to offer you something almost as good: a weekly column dedicated to previewing the week’s college football games. It’s almost as good in the way that college football is almost as good as the NFL. Adjust your expectations accordingly.
I know the local media hasn’t mentioned it much but the NHL lockout is still going on. It appears everyone on the roster is in Rochester, Europe, or slowly disappearing into the ether like the final scene of “The Sandlot.” Therefore you get another week of my college football wisdom, which I believe still qualifies as the least depressing topic we’ve covered in a few weeks. We got five matchups between ranked teams and even a CFL game to moisten your palate between now and Sunday’s likely debacle at whatever-the-hell-they-call-Candlestick-Park-now. Let me guess; it’s too early for you to care about college football what with Donald Fehr and Gary Bettman sucking the hockey life force out of you? Well no fear! I come bearing information you can actually use!
One of my closest friends is getting married in a few weeks and this Friday is his stag party. Having attended a large amount of these over the past several years for friends, friends of friends, and total strangers alike, I will offer you my expertise on what you need to know about what makes a perfect stag party because unless you are devoid of friends, you will eventually have to work on planning one of these things for a buddy, and you don’t want to be the dick who threw a lame-ass stag party. So here we go with just the tip(s) and of course, some notes on this week’s slate of games.
"I guess we have ourselves a reckoning." - Bills vs. Steelers Preview, Week 14
"I got a nose for white supremacy, and he smells like bleach." Monday Night Football is back, folks.
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