During the 2013 Buffalo Bills season, the Scizz will be writing weekly game previews that will ruin your entire weekend. The last two seasons saw him using quotes from The Big Lebowski and Super Troopers to convey his feelings for this crapfire of a franchise. This year he'll be choosing quotes from many of his favorite films to get the point across. As always, it's 25% football, 70% useless garbage, and 5% luchador gambling picks. Here we go.....
The Scizz
First and foremost, go here and buy a shirt for #SupportSally if you haven't already. In fact, even if you have go buy another one. The support we have seen from Buffalo and the blog/twitter/facebook universe has been incredible. Keep it up. On to the foosball.
Where do you even begin with this offseason? My mood towards this team has changed so many times I can't even remember if I was excited after the draft or was certain of a 2 - 14 season. The good? The Bills are rid of the football herpes known as Chan Gailey & Buddy Nix. They hired young, motivated coaches in Doug Marrone, Nate Hackett, and Mike Pettine. They confidently reached at the draft for a future QB1 in E.J. Manuel. The bad? Potential shutdown corner Stephon Gilmore is out 6-8 weeks for an already thin CB squad, Jarius Byrd appears to hate the idea of being anywhere near Buffalo, and although E.J. Manuel appears to be healthy, the QB situation over the last couple weeks looks like something out of shitty ABC family T.V. movie.
But you know what? I'm sitting on the Yachtsman's couch in Buffalo right now, we're going to the game Sunday, and dammit all football is back. So similar to what my fictional idol Peter Venkman says in a time of fear, uncertainty, and almost certain death, "I love this team! I'm excited to be a fan! Let's do it!"
After the jump I ramble some more
First and foremost, go here and buy a shirt for #SupportSally if you haven't already. In fact, even if you have go buy another one. The support we have seen from Buffalo and the blog/twitter/facebook universe has been incredible. Keep it up. On to the foosball.
Where do you even begin with this offseason? My mood towards this team has changed so many times I can't even remember if I was excited after the draft or was certain of a 2 - 14 season. The good? The Bills are rid of the football herpes known as Chan Gailey & Buddy Nix. They hired young, motivated coaches in Doug Marrone, Nate Hackett, and Mike Pettine. They confidently reached at the draft for a future QB1 in E.J. Manuel. The bad? Potential shutdown corner Stephon Gilmore is out 6-8 weeks for an already thin CB squad, Jarius Byrd appears to hate the idea of being anywhere near Buffalo, and although E.J. Manuel appears to be healthy, the QB situation over the last couple weeks looks like something out of shitty ABC family T.V. movie.
But you know what? I'm sitting on the Yachtsman's couch in Buffalo right now, we're going to the game Sunday, and dammit all football is back. So similar to what my fictional idol Peter Venkman says in a time of fear, uncertainty, and almost certain death, "I love this team! I'm excited to be a fan! Let's do it!"
After the jump I ramble some more
Three Things to be excited about:
1. E.J. Manuel is playing. Now I realize that we know almost nothing about how this kid will play under pressure in week 1, but thank the fuck Christmas he is starting. I loved me some Jeffrey Tuel during the pre-season but the prospect of him starting the home opener against the Patriots was just downright embarrassing. I for one am thrilled and excited to see how E.J. performs. It may be similar to a giant bag of poop lit on fire, but that glimmer of hope that he is the real deal is enough for me at this point. /Remembers J.P. Losman //Cries into keyboard.
2. A (mostly) new and young receieving corps. . Hot damn I'm starting to adore these guys. I've had my issues with Stevie Johnson in the past but he has grown to be one of my favorite players on this team. I mean how can you not love a guy who wears a USS Fuhkmore shirt in an official team photo?? Throw in future stud Robert Woods and confident speedster Marquise Goodwin and I think this unit may finally be on track. And did you see those Goodwin cleats? HELL YES!
3. I THINK THE BILLS MAY ACTUALLY RUN C.J. SPILLER A LOT AND HE IS A REALLY GOOD PLAYER AND SHOULD PLAY A LOT BUT CHAN WAS DUMB AND IT SUCKED BUT NOW IT SEEMS BETTER AND SPILLER ALL DAY 'ERR DAY YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!
1. E.J. Manuel is playing. Now I realize that we know almost nothing about how this kid will play under pressure in week 1, but thank the fuck Christmas he is starting. I loved me some Jeffrey Tuel during the pre-season but the prospect of him starting the home opener against the Patriots was just downright embarrassing. I for one am thrilled and excited to see how E.J. performs. It may be similar to a giant bag of poop lit on fire, but that glimmer of hope that he is the real deal is enough for me at this point. /Remembers J.P. Losman //Cries into keyboard.
2. A (mostly) new and young receieving corps. . Hot damn I'm starting to adore these guys. I've had my issues with Stevie Johnson in the past but he has grown to be one of my favorite players on this team. I mean how can you not love a guy who wears a USS Fuhkmore shirt in an official team photo?? Throw in future stud Robert Woods and confident speedster Marquise Goodwin and I think this unit may finally be on track. And did you see those Goodwin cleats? HELL YES!
3. I THINK THE BILLS MAY ACTUALLY RUN C.J. SPILLER A LOT AND HE IS A REALLY GOOD PLAYER AND SHOULD PLAY A LOT BUT CHAN WAS DUMB AND IT SUCKED BUT NOW IT SEEMS BETTER AND SPILLER ALL DAY 'ERR DAY YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!
Three Things to be absolutely terrified about:
1. The Secondary is THE SUM OF ALL FEARS. Gilmore is out, Byrd may be out but either way is not happy to be playing in Buffalo, Leodis McKelvin is somehow the #1 corner again, Aaron Williams still exists (I don't care if he is a safety), Ron Brooks has a wooden leg, Justin Rogers is healthy (this is a bad thing), and the rest of the crew couldn't sniff the Patriots practice squad. I do love my boy Nickell Robey tho. More on him later.
2. The offensive line may be in shambles again. Last season I thought the O-line was possibly the strongest unit at times, and magically this summer they have looked beyond questionable. My disappointment in not re-signing Andy Levitre is well documented, but that hasn't been the only issue. Erik Pears has been banged up, Chris Hairston is out for the year, and after looking like a beast to start 2012, Cordy Glenn appears to have taken several steps back. Uuuuuugh. I hope E.J. is as tough as advertised.
3. Tom Brady. The team is playing Tom Brady during an offseason where they got crushed in a pre-season game and Tom Brady has lost every single one of his top receiving targets. Why does that terrify me? Because Tom Brady. Tom motherfuckin' Brady. He WANTS you to think he is going to have a rough season. 537 yards 6 TD's 0 picks sounds about right. HOLD ME.
1. The Secondary is THE SUM OF ALL FEARS. Gilmore is out, Byrd may be out but either way is not happy to be playing in Buffalo, Leodis McKelvin is somehow the #1 corner again, Aaron Williams still exists (I don't care if he is a safety), Ron Brooks has a wooden leg, Justin Rogers is healthy (this is a bad thing), and the rest of the crew couldn't sniff the Patriots practice squad. I do love my boy Nickell Robey tho. More on him later.
2. The offensive line may be in shambles again. Last season I thought the O-line was possibly the strongest unit at times, and magically this summer they have looked beyond questionable. My disappointment in not re-signing Andy Levitre is well documented, but that hasn't been the only issue. Erik Pears has been banged up, Chris Hairston is out for the year, and after looking like a beast to start 2012, Cordy Glenn appears to have taken several steps back. Uuuuuugh. I hope E.J. is as tough as advertised.
3. Tom Brady. The team is playing Tom Brady during an offseason where they got crushed in a pre-season game and Tom Brady has lost every single one of his top receiving targets. Why does that terrify me? Because Tom Brady. Tom motherfuckin' Brady. He WANTS you to think he is going to have a rough season. 537 yards 6 TD's 0 picks sounds about right. HOLD ME.
Um....when did this happen?
Playlist song addition you may not know about:
Royals by Lorde: This song has started getting mucho radio play I hear, so most likely many of you know about it, but I started rocking this song in the Spring and COULD NOT stop listening to it (ew that sounded so hipster I'm sorry). I would qualify this song as one of the current "Jams" and am pumped to see it hitting mainstream.
Royals by Lorde: This song has started getting mucho radio play I hear, so most likely many of you know about it, but I started rocking this song in the Spring and COULD NOT stop listening to it (ew that sounded so hipster I'm sorry). I would qualify this song as one of the current "Jams" and am pumped to see it hitting mainstream.
Playlist song addition that you definitely know but should be on every playlist ever:
Motown Philly - Boyz II Men: I fucking love this song. I will never tire of it. In August at my buddy's wedding he had a 90's hip-hop band and they played this. I lost my shit and destroyed the dance floor. If you are at the game Sunday and you hear this during tailgating, we're probably close by.
Motown Philly - Boyz II Men: I fucking love this song. I will never tire of it. In August at my buddy's wedding he had a 90's hip-hop band and they played this. I lost my shit and destroyed the dance floor. If you are at the game Sunday and you hear this during tailgating, we're probably close by.
#BillsMafia tweet of the week:
We have recently started working with the Gentleman who founded the Bills Mafia. Del has been a huge help with spreading the word for #SuppertSally. HOWEVER, I still hate the name and the copious amounts of mouthbreathers who rock the twibbon. I understand Del can't control the monster he created, but you better believe I'm still going to search that hashtag once a week and find a gem like the one below.
We have recently started working with the Gentleman who founded the Bills Mafia. Del has been a huge help with spreading the word for #SuppertSally. HOWEVER, I still hate the name and the copious amounts of mouthbreathers who rock the twibbon. I understand Del can't control the monster he created, but you better believe I'm still going to search that hashtag once a week and find a gem like the one below.
Dat clown cum n on ma TL takin me out ma character trying ta ruin my day n enjoying this EJ news #Dontdothat!!!!
— #Playoffs2014buffalo (@ingram40) September 4, 2013
What does this even mean? Did a clown really physically cum on his timeline? Was he performing a monologue when the clown came through so he had to break character? So many questions.
Jabari Greer memorial player of the week:
I loved Jabari Greer. LOVED HIM. I loved him so much I once infamously wrote "JABARI GREER RULES THE WORLD" on a t-shirt I was wearing during a bar crawl and kept it for several years after he left the Bills. Greer represents that awesome potential of a player that nobody knows about, makes the team out of nowhere and then proceeds to become an integral part of the franchise. And of course, in #becauseitsbuffalo fashion, eventually leaves and goes to a better team. Sports.
This week's pick goes to Nickell Robey. Like Greer, Robey is an undrafted free agent who plays corner. Unlike him, Robey has to contribute immediately because of injuries and a piss poor secondary. I still love this kid's potential and hope Tom Brady doesn't absolutely rip his confidence/heart from his chest like Mola Ram.
Jabari Greer memorial player of the week:
I loved Jabari Greer. LOVED HIM. I loved him so much I once infamously wrote "JABARI GREER RULES THE WORLD" on a t-shirt I was wearing during a bar crawl and kept it for several years after he left the Bills. Greer represents that awesome potential of a player that nobody knows about, makes the team out of nowhere and then proceeds to become an integral part of the franchise. And of course, in #becauseitsbuffalo fashion, eventually leaves and goes to a better team. Sports.
This week's pick goes to Nickell Robey. Like Greer, Robey is an undrafted free agent who plays corner. Unlike him, Robey has to contribute immediately because of injuries and a piss poor secondary. I still love this kid's potential and hope Tom Brady doesn't absolutely rip his confidence/heart from his chest like Mola Ram.
Erik Flowers Memorial player of the week:
I could have gone with Mike Williams or J.P. Losman, but something about Flowers always irked me. This weekly represents a player everyone is excited about but will ultimately disappoint the fans. My goal is to make every reader angry with me here.
This week's award goes to Robert Woods. Why? Because we so badly need a big time WR opposite Stevie but it never pans out so why would it happen now? He'll catch 14 passes this year. Pass the meth.
I could have gone with Mike Williams or J.P. Losman, but something about Flowers always irked me. This weekly represents a player everyone is excited about but will ultimately disappoint the fans. My goal is to make every reader angry with me here.
This week's award goes to Robert Woods. Why? Because we so badly need a big time WR opposite Stevie but it never pans out so why would it happen now? He'll catch 14 passes this year. Pass the meth.
Shitty Beer pick of the week:
If you know any of us at the Deeg, you probably know we drink insane amounts of craft beer. It's awesome. But sometimes it is also fun to reminisce and drink terrible beer from your youth. From a conversation on twitter a few days ago, I decided that this week's beer should be Red Dog. When I was a broke senior in college, the local grocery store use to sell 6-packs of Red Dog tall boys for $2.99. 60 CENTS A BEER!!!!! I would crush that sixer every night before going out. Yes, I was an absolute treat in my early 20's.
If you know any of us at the Deeg, you probably know we drink insane amounts of craft beer. It's awesome. But sometimes it is also fun to reminisce and drink terrible beer from your youth. From a conversation on twitter a few days ago, I decided that this week's beer should be Red Dog. When I was a broke senior in college, the local grocery store use to sell 6-packs of Red Dog tall boys for $2.99. 60 CENTS A BEER!!!!! I would crush that sixer every night before going out. Yes, I was an absolute treat in my early 20's.
El Greasico Hot Tomato Gruel Pick of the Week:
I would like to start by apologizing for what you are about to read. When the Yachtsman and I envisioned this on our road trip to Buffalo for the home opener, we did not expect it to go this far off the rails.
Many of you know that we sometimes hang out with the guy that runs this website. Since he won't speak to us anymore, we had to reach out to his evil and insane Mexican Luchador cousin, El Greasico. We asked him to make a weekly NFL gambling pick. This is transcribed from a voicemail he left us from a payphone. You're welcome.
IYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYYA!
It is fucken El Greasico. The human sex trafficking luchador handicapper from Mexico. You fucken guys really outdone yourselves with this fucken site of yours. A tranny or a fucken trendy you won for best site? Right from that website with the assholes who don't have jobs in the media and are from GORDO Smith's strip porker Thursday night parties? Well, fuck face beggars like yourselves cant be too choosey. I mean, did you ever see the crew who meets up at their tweetups?
Holy fucken Allah.
Why don't you fucken shave the back of a bunch of dogs CULOS and put Barrister's sunglasses on them for the next party? God knows it wouldn't make my eyes as sore as seeing a bunch of bucktooth bloggers who haven't had pussy since pussy had them.
Well, congratufuckenlations on the Trendy.
IYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYYA!
I'm sure that guy with the three nicknames dropped his baby when he heard the news and beat off all over FC Buffalo's website while reminiscing about the glorious taint ridden reach around he's gotten from his first GF at choir camp. So, you guys have expanded. You found some homeless hobos to Fuck Joe Morgan every piece created. Fucken Pendejos
Go fucken suck off more small blog counselin douche bags. You have some guy named after Cobra Commander and a fucken guy who patterns himself after the Joker. Oh, and can I get a designed Dear God, Why us? fucken t-shirt that I can use to wipe my ass with when I run out of toilet paper.
IYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYYA!
Hey, who is hearing this? It can't be that bearded fuck Apps. He's still fucken high from last week and is sleeping off his perpetual hard-on for Carmello Anthony drowning a third of his shots and Isiah Thomas tea bagging him.
IYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYYA!
Maybe it is that Scizzy misdeamenor fucken turd. He's a nice guy and means well, but fuck you. No one cares about how great your life is now because his wife lost a bet with god and had to marry your ugly ass. Great...so you left that fucken shithole town in the southern tier. Hamburg? Watertown? Battlecreek? Mexico City? The Breaking bad town? Fuck you. Anyone looks good after escaping the fucken Omaga-Moo frat house in comparison.
IYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYYA!
How about that Yachtsman (sic) clown. What the fuck kind of name is (redacted for thin veil of anonymity purposes)? What kind of fucken french hippy bullshit parents brought this kid into the world to name him this? It is suppose to mean "beautiful girl" in Germany. Well, while you aren't beautiful, you don't have balls, which makes you close to a girl, so maybe that's what they were thinking. And I'll use a double negative if I want.
IYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYYA!
This fucken wannabe fucken tough guy from the shithole West side is the ringleader of this crap sandwich website.
Oh yeah, my gamblin pick is Atlanta covering at New Orleans (-3)
I would like to start by apologizing for what you are about to read. When the Yachtsman and I envisioned this on our road trip to Buffalo for the home opener, we did not expect it to go this far off the rails.
Many of you know that we sometimes hang out with the guy that runs this website. Since he won't speak to us anymore, we had to reach out to his evil and insane Mexican Luchador cousin, El Greasico. We asked him to make a weekly NFL gambling pick. This is transcribed from a voicemail he left us from a payphone. You're welcome.
IYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYYA!
It is fucken El Greasico. The human sex trafficking luchador handicapper from Mexico. You fucken guys really outdone yourselves with this fucken site of yours. A tranny or a fucken trendy you won for best site? Right from that website with the assholes who don't have jobs in the media and are from GORDO Smith's strip porker Thursday night parties? Well, fuck face beggars like yourselves cant be too choosey. I mean, did you ever see the crew who meets up at their tweetups?
Holy fucken Allah.
Why don't you fucken shave the back of a bunch of dogs CULOS and put Barrister's sunglasses on them for the next party? God knows it wouldn't make my eyes as sore as seeing a bunch of bucktooth bloggers who haven't had pussy since pussy had them.
Well, congratufuckenlations on the Trendy.
IYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYYA!
I'm sure that guy with the three nicknames dropped his baby when he heard the news and beat off all over FC Buffalo's website while reminiscing about the glorious taint ridden reach around he's gotten from his first GF at choir camp. So, you guys have expanded. You found some homeless hobos to Fuck Joe Morgan every piece created. Fucken Pendejos
Go fucken suck off more small blog counselin douche bags. You have some guy named after Cobra Commander and a fucken guy who patterns himself after the Joker. Oh, and can I get a designed Dear God, Why us? fucken t-shirt that I can use to wipe my ass with when I run out of toilet paper.
IYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYYA!
Hey, who is hearing this? It can't be that bearded fuck Apps. He's still fucken high from last week and is sleeping off his perpetual hard-on for Carmello Anthony drowning a third of his shots and Isiah Thomas tea bagging him.
IYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYYA!
Maybe it is that Scizzy misdeamenor fucken turd. He's a nice guy and means well, but fuck you. No one cares about how great your life is now because his wife lost a bet with god and had to marry your ugly ass. Great...so you left that fucken shithole town in the southern tier. Hamburg? Watertown? Battlecreek? Mexico City? The Breaking bad town? Fuck you. Anyone looks good after escaping the fucken Omaga-Moo frat house in comparison.
IYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYYA!
How about that Yachtsman (sic) clown. What the fuck kind of name is (redacted for thin veil of anonymity purposes)? What kind of fucken french hippy bullshit parents brought this kid into the world to name him this? It is suppose to mean "beautiful girl" in Germany. Well, while you aren't beautiful, you don't have balls, which makes you close to a girl, so maybe that's what they were thinking. And I'll use a double negative if I want.
IYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYYA!
This fucken wannabe fucken tough guy from the shithole West side is the ringleader of this crap sandwich website.
Oh yeah, my gamblin pick is Atlanta covering at New Orleans (-3)
I can't believe I even put that up. My lord.
Final Prediction:
Patriots 72 - Bills 5
You love it.
Final Prediction:
Patriots 72 - Bills 5
You love it.
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