The sophomoric drivel is back! (Fuck you, Dan). As the happy go-lucky Foster from Super Troopers says, “I’m an idiot,” and not for the obvious reasons I display every time I write here, tweet, or record a podcast. No, I’m an idiot because once again I have a shred of hope that the Buffalo Bills will finally crack their awful anti-playoff streak and be a competitive team. I’m never sure how this happens, but every year it does. Last year I was a proud little princess because I was excited for the NFL, but not for the Bills to be remotely successful. And besides that hot start, they were not. It felt good to not care that much by week 10. I just enjoyed my Sundays like a regular human being and made fun of douche-hats on twitter who talked up Derek Hagan and a few other marginal NFL players who didn't even make the team. It was heavenly! And now - UGH - now the Buffalo Bills are back and I'm suddenly excited and forced to wonder how much John Potter will put pressure on Rian Lindell for the starting kicker job. /cries into pillow
To be honest, this year has been a seesaw for me. After last year, I crawled back to my hole of disappointment and wanted to pretend that the NFL would no longer exist, but after re-signing several key players, and adding one of the biggest free agency signings in team history with Mario Williams, I was *gasp* actually fired up for the new season. I truly thought this could be THE team to crash through their ceiling of mediocrity. From the looks of it, I'm not the only one.
These things concern me. But here I am again, fighting back those feelings of wanting to go 0-16 to win the Matt Barkley sweepstakes, and actually starting to believe again. I mean this team does have more talent than it has in years and everybody else seems excited, so maybe I’m just being ridiculously negative Scizz. I do love the Buffalo Bills. I fucking love them. Sometimes I wish I didn’t, but I do. So just like Foster stepping inside the back of that big rig with a big dumb smile on his face and not a care in the world, I’m doing it again. I’m excited for the Buffalo Bills and gleefully ignoring the fact that I'm about to get locked inside a sixteen-wheeler. /puts on John Denver’s greatest hits. //cries into pillow again. ///changes tear-soaked pillow case
The worst part? I’m going to be there for this madness with the DGWU Sports crew and a few other good friends. What could go wrong when I’m doing bowling shots several hours before the game?... Don't answer that.
So how about the Bills' opponents this weekend? Rex Ryan and his circus of jesus-loving, alimony paying (sort of), drunk driving, statutorily raping hooligans - the New York Jets. Ugh. How can you not hate these clowns? I can’t control the rage flowing through my fingers as I think about how not a single player or coach or human being in the entire organization is probably likeable. So rather than have an aneurysm, I’ll just mention that key parts of the game I’m looking at in order for the Bills to win.
1. Stevie has to be Stevie. He has to be that guy that has continuously torches Revis and makes him look human. Without that, well, I can’t put any faith in Donald Jones or T.J. Graham. Who? Those are players....in the NFL.....seriously.
2. The linebackers have to be at least serviceable. As Coach Sal pointed out on WGR, they were constantly getting run over or run by, and that can’t happen if we want the big monsters the Bills have up front roaming free and fully unleashed on their targets. Put another way, I need Sanchez and/or Tebow to get hurt. Badly. Like tears in the stands badly. As shitty as they are, the linebackers can help make that happen.
3. Establish control early. If the Bills can start hot, I think the Jets could be completely demoralized and would a hard time coming back. Remember, as shitty as the Bills looked in pre-season, the Jets were worst, not scoring a touchdown until their last preseason game. Oh yeah, and fuck the “we were hiding our awesome wildcat formations” excuse. I'm not buying that stupid garbage. If it was that awesome and that hidden, Rex wouldn't have gloated about it to the media in between Hostess Cakes. (Now Tebow will score 7 touchdowns. Shit. I'm sorry.)
“Here I Come” by The Roots. I dare you to listen to this song and not get psyched. The Roots are awesome and Black Thought kills it from start to finish.
“Metal Militia” by Metallica. This song prepares me for both the demolition of the Jets, or the demolition of Jets fan vehicles if the Bills lose. This was also the first non-theme song we used on the CrapTastiCast.
Time To Win by The Jambrones. It's an awesome song about the Bills, what more do you want? More? Well they are also awesome dudes who also wrote our new theme song to the CrapTastiCast and are hilarious on the twitter. So there.
Random Buffalo Bill of the week:
Tim Tindale. Anybody else remember this guy? He was pretty much the back-up fullback on the Bills '95 Squad and ran for a sick touchdown in the AFC Wild Card game against the Dolphins. He also won two Hec Crighton Awards, which is Canada's version of the Heisman and the equivalent of a 10-and-under little league participation trophy here in the states. Go to the 7:16 mark to see his TD. Wait, scratch that. Who are you kidding? You're going to watch the whole 12 minute clip twice. We all are.
@CafeTing – Aka Grandpa Tim, will be joining the Deeg at Metlife stadium Sunday for the big game. Tim is an awesome dude who happens to be a little bit older than the rest of us (hence the nickname) and has two lovely children. He is an ex-pat like the rest of the Deeg, enjoys BBQ, and frightens most waiters to death. If you have been to McFadden's in NYC before, you may know him as "Dancin' Tim" or the guy with glasses who does this odd, yet addicting jig after the Bills score a touchdown. I just used the word "jig."
Worst Twitter Bills fan of the week:
I blocked her and didn't feel like even looking up this chick's twitter name, but I think it was @Carvel_Lassie or something. In the last few weeks, this heartbreaker said that our beloved Jim Kelly was not only overrated, but no better than Rob Johnson because neither won a Super Bowl. This was all said because she was defending Fitzpatrick. Yikes. Sounds like Jimbo may have nailed her back in the day and never called back.
She also lost her shit after the Bills released Naaman Roosevelt (or another scrub, I forget), stating that she was "done" and wanted to give away her season tickets. All this over a practice-squader at best. Then the best part happened when she said she needed to cover her Bills tattoo. SHE HAS A BILLS TATTOO AND SHITSTICKS LIKE NAAMAN ROOSEVELT ARE WHY. God, I love Buffalo.
Top Stat line of the week: David Nelson – 8 Catches, 106 yards, 1 TD
This may seem ridiculous, but Nelson out of the slot with a healthy receiving squad was a monster during the first 7 games. He caught huge passes in both comebacks against Oakland and New England, and established himself as a force that can’t be ignored. Last year I predicted big things from Nelson, but if everyone around him can stay healthy, this year could be even bigger. Plus that whole proposing to his wife thing at the Dallas game needs to be forgotten forever.
Garbage pale Stat line of the week: Arthur Moats – 2 tackles, 0 sacks, numerous instances of being ran over or duked by Shonn Greene and Tim Tebow.
I’ve already mentioned what a joke the LB’s are. Prove me wrong, Arthur. Prove me wrong.
Potential Jets Injuries of the week:
Mark Sanchez – Hot flashes
Santonio Holmes – Lingering mild concussion (from previous night's DUI accident)
Tim Tebow – Stigmata
Potential Bills Injuries for the week:
Nick Barnett – Strained #BillsMafia
Terrance McGee – Broken everything
Namaan Roosevelt – Dual thumb sprains (from playing too much Madden ’13 on his buddy's couch)
I can eliminate the Apologist because he won’t be joining the rest of us at Metlife for the game. I’m sure he’ll be drunk, but I can’t imagine it will compare to us. Same goes for the Outlander because I haven’t actually met him yet (weird), and while I’m sure he’s a drunk also, I’ll save judgment for now. Yachtsman is off the table because he is rarely the drunkest when we all go out, plus he basically drinks for a living and has a frightening tolerance. He’s also driving.
That leaves the Barrister and I. I’m taking myself out of the running for the hope that I can control myself and won’t get thrown out again. I’ve been to four Jets/Bills games in New Jersey, and every odd number has resulted in me being asked to leave the stadium. This is trip number 5 and I’m going to end that streak because I’M AN ADULT GOD DAMMIT! Soooo... it has to be the Barrister, right? Stressful day job? Check. Love/Skill for drinking? Check. Only 10 days or so from his first child being born and his social life crashing to earth in a fiery mess of equal parts sadness and joy? Check. So it has to be…..wait…what’s that sound? Hold on! Is that? It is! THAT’S JOE PINZONE’S MUSIC!!!!
That’s right friends, the Buffalo Wins head honcho will be joining us for the game and things are sure to get ultra weird. Joe has promised to go after Fire Marshall Ed with all of his might. So line up the pickle backs, Pinzone is my pick for the week.
Overall Score: I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t with this one, so fuck it.
Jets 6 – Bills 5 (in the OT shootout)
Go Bills. -@TheScizz