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Smarten Up! - A DGWU Sports Mailbag

10/18/2012

19 Comments

 
Ladies and Gentleman, children of all ages, overweight Buffalo sports writers with mullets and Burger King pants, it is DGWU Sports esteemed pleasure to introduce you to our newest contributor, "The Continental". Now this new writer isn't your typical degenerate alcoholic who likes to curse about sports, this degenerate alcoholic who likes to curse about sports is A LADY! Everybody wins! Since Megsie has been super busy with her real job, it will be nice having a gal around to keep us assholes in check.

Every week (or at least we hope, everyone knows we suck at schedules here) The Continental will answer your questions. Whether it is Buffalo sports related inquiry, needed advice, or just a generally stupid question you feel like seeing her answer, have at it and we'll see what this young lady is made of! You can e-mail weekly questions to us at deargodwhyussports@gmail.com, tweet us @DGWUSports, or even tweet her directly @hpurricane.

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The Continental

I figured before I start spouting off what will undoubtedly be regrettable and reprehensible advice, I should introduce myself.  I am The Continental, and I'm from a town smaller and shittier than yours in Western New York.  Why The Continental?  Well, because like the breakfast I'm not warm, and like the airline I have a spotty safety record and require intense negotiations before entering a merger.  That or I'm a degenerate creep, you decide.  Now I rep the 718, pretty much as well as any white girl can.

Since I'm a Bills and Sabres fan I am also quite adept at hating myself, which could also be one of the reasons everyone thinks I'm Jewish perhaps?  Who knows. But moving to New York has offered me so many more opportunities to sulk; Enter the Knicks, Mets, and St. John's basketball.  (PS. Fuck you Syracuse turncoat shit sippers.) Onto the questions!


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"Who is your daddy and what does he do" -- @ScottyMCSS

Retired school teacher, athletic enthusiast, and steeply banked in that old man alcoholism of Western New York. Every summer he used to throw down so many cases of Genny Cream, it was incredible.  Now that he has retired, his pension money is going straight to Labatt Blue Lights. You know how LBL introduced the Labatt Blue Light Lime? Well, my father thought it was bullshit they were charging more for a case of LBLL than LBL, so what is a retired science teacher to do?  Experiment.  Now he buys LBL's and throws in lime juice, which of course took him a while to get the exact ratio right.  My mother, who's still with him is either a saint or has a prescription pill addiction.  (PS: make a better Arnold reference next time, I'm no scrub.)



"Now that I don't have 3 hrs a night paid to do nothing, when's the best time to do my scrapbooking?" -Matt Ellis aka -@SabresScratch

Scrapbooking is no longer trendy in the ladyverse.  It is too time consuming and you actually have to do something with your hands.  Pintrest.  Pintrest everything.  Bitches love Pintrest.  But to you Matt Ellis, I think Tumblr is definitely more your game.  Why?  Porn, lots of porn.  Porn everywhere.  Real porn, not just lady porn.  Lots of any kind of porn you want.  A solid 45% of my porn consumption comes from Tumblr.

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The pride and joy of Scizz's scrapbook.
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"Dear Continental, why do the Bills suck and why are all women insane? I assume these can be answered similarly." -@fgif

The Bills are bad because life isn't fair and women are crazy because life isn't fair.  You need to work with what football gives you.  Get blackout drunk, puke on a Jets fan, and enjoy spending time with your friends, because at the end of the day football and related activities make life more fun until we die.  Most importantly it's a safe place where it's okay if you get black out drunk before 3:30pm.  But honestly, we're just waiting for the perfect season to come along so we're biding our time, right?

Women? You just need the correct calibration of crazy.  Is she crazy in bed?  Almost always good.  Is she crazy to your friends and family?  Eh, how crazy in bed is she?  Basically what I'm saying to women everywhere is be nasty in bed and men will overlook all the lady-shit we love and they hate (Bravo TV, Ru Paul television shows, leaf peeping, dinner parties.)  Not a straight up freak?  Try harder!  But this bartering system also works with Die Hard and Lethal Weapon movies, so sit there and keep your mouth shut and he will mostly do the same the next time you want to watch Real World/Road Rules Challenge. And again, significant others make life more palatable, more so than football, so we keep at it because we're just waiting for the perfect one for us to come along/come on.  WORD PLAY!


"Miss continental, every sports team has a player that all the husky gals LOVE. Who is that player on the Bills this year?" -@boner_shorts

The thing about husky gals, especially husky gals still in the 716 is they totally lack a sense of proportion.  Odds are they think they could land Stevie with their "Mizz Thang" g-string peeking over their too tight denim miniskirt at whatever bar on Chippewa is hosting DJ Anthony from KISS 98.5 these days. That or the husky gal wants to feel positively waiflike and would go for a mega husker like Kraig Urbik or Erik Pears.  I'm guessing these girls will only sleep with white boys, but this could just be residual bias from my backwater hick-town. 

And here's where I want to ask you degenerate creeps a question in what I will call:

"Are you there Deegers?  It's me The Continental."

Where do you loyal Deegers stand on sleeping with someone who has the same name as an immediate family member? 

Drop your offensive answers in the comments or e-mail/tweet me to be posted next week. Keep those questions coming!
19 Comments
Boner In The Shorts link
10/18/2012 12:14:56 am

I've banged someone with the same first name as one of my sisters. At first I sort of had it in the back of my mind as weird but then I saw them tittays and them tittays have a way of making a man's mind sort of go on autopilot because now it's not so weird and holy cow THEM TITTAYS.

So, what I am trying to say is there is a threshold (flesh-hold?) on where it doesn't matter any more.

Reply
Ironman92
10/18/2012 12:42:48 am

Sleeping with someone with the same name as your mother/father just means you won't be humiliated anymore when you scream their name out during sex. It's a bonus.

Reply
Outlander
10/18/2012 12:51:09 am

I have a small family so my only example is the same name as my younger cousin (there's one who shared her name with my aunt but this lady had like 17 years on me so the name was the least of the reasons to feel weird/dirty/ashamed). Unlike actual incest, I feel like first cousin names are far enough removed to avoid any weirdness. More often there's a match with a former ex or romp in the sack partner. I vote not weird unless there are further creepy similarities.

Reply
Ghost of DJ Roomba
10/18/2012 12:51:52 am

I couldn't sleep with someone that has the same name as my sister (it's unisex) but anyone else? Sure. All of the people in my family that I have regular contact with and am close to are ladies and I sleep with men, so chances of this actually happening to me are slim to none. (thank fucking god)

Reply
NOT Rusty
10/18/2012 01:08:38 am

Buffalo? I want to go to there.

Reply
Dinos
10/18/2012 01:17:21 am

Buffalo? make a detour to niagara (canadian side if you're a p*ssy), jump in a barrel and roll down the falls. If you are victorious, you may proceed to buffalo.

Reply
The Continental link
10/18/2012 01:15:29 am

I guess I should clarify that by immediate family I meant "The dumbass that watches Bills games at my local bar has the same name as my father... should I still?"

Reply
Ironman92
10/18/2012 01:32:03 am

If you have unfulfilled Daddy fantasies, here's your chance with no one else being the wiser. If you don't, do you call your father "John" or what have you? If you do call him "John" then I've already got my answer on the fantasies. And if you're going to call the dumbass "Daddy" anyway, then who cares if he has the same name?

Reply
Ironman92
10/18/2012 01:32:37 am

In other words, yes. My answer will always be yes.

Reply
YES link
10/18/2012 01:33:33 am

YES

Reply
NOT rusty
10/18/2012 01:23:06 am

Dino's I would rather soak in Boner Shorts Pre cum stained underwear than go to Canada!

On to The Queen City of the lakes!

Reply
Dinos
10/18/2012 01:35:00 am

But where else can you go to full nudie bars? Canada or bust. (literally)

Reply
Dinos
10/18/2012 01:35:31 am

^^ with booze of course

Ironman92
10/18/2012 01:54:16 am

I went to a Toronto nudie bar with a colleague (now a super senior banker in the news and whatnot). He is a very obese guy. He picked a very obese stripper. I want an erase button.

Dinos
10/18/2012 02:42:13 am

TMI, BRO

The Barrister
10/18/2012 02:02:08 am

creepos, the lot of you.

You're always welcome here.

Reply
NOT Rusty
10/18/2012 03:11:57 am

They see me trolling… they hating

Reply
Frank link
10/18/2012 05:57:14 am

The women I sleep with have names? Who knew.

Reply
DaKunt
10/20/2012 02:54:15 pm

What exactly are "burger king pants"??

Reply



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