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Smarten Up! - Have It Your Way

10/24/2012

17 Comments

 
Ladies and Gentleman, children of all ages, overweight Buffalo sports writers with mullets and Burger King pants, it is DGWU Sports esteemed pleasure to introduce you to our newest contributor, The Continental. Now this new writer isn't your typical degenerate alcoholic who likes to curse about sports, this degenerate alcoholic who likes to curse about sports is A LADY! Everybody wins! Since Megsie has been super busy with her real job, it will be nice having a gal around to keep us assholes in check. 

Every week (or at least we hope, everyone knows we suck at schedules here) The Continental will answer your questions. Whether it is a Buffalo sports related inquiry, needed advice, or just a generally stupid question you feel like seeing her answer, have at it and we'll see what this young lady is made of! You can e-mail weekly questions to us at deargodwhyussports@gmail.com, tweet us @DGWUSports, or even tweet her directly @hpurricane. 

Picture
The Continental

Welcome back for round two.  To recap, last week I asked whether or not one should have any qualms nailing someone who has the same name as an immediate family member.  The long and short of it is that you are all in solidarity with mankind's quest to lay pipe, and I should feel no shame banging someone who shares my father's name.  Thanks for enabling me, scumbags.  

Unfortunately, the inspiration for my query was not at my local watering hole for the Tennessee game.  However, I did proceed to drink heavily, naturally, and by 4pm I was a shell of my sober/rational self.  Should you need verification please consult my twitter timeline.  Instead of drinking another bucket of Coor's Light by myself during the J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS game, I ended up in Brooklyn.  The day pretty much ended with me YELLING at a giant about John Starks, rewatching Winning Time: Reggie Miller vs. New York for the fourth time while eating soup out of a plastic container with chopsticks, and smoking hand rolled cigarettes.  

My life, ladies and gentlemen.  

Question from last weeks comments: What exactly are Burger King pants? - DAKUNT

Excellent question DAKUNT, and now I am slightly tinged with regret that I did not choose "The Cuntinental" as my halfassed attempt to hide my identity.  Not like I needed any help being vulgar, but there's a freebie insult for you guys if you hate me.  

Ok, so Burger King pants are those shitty fucking $6 pants from Steve & Barry's that all fastfood, gas station, and janitorial employees wear.  The Outlander noticed this due to the many WNY Burger Kings he frequents (not as many as Harrington though AMIRIGHT!).  But yes, it bears mentioning that in addition to a lack of a depth of character, emotional stability, or backbone, Mike Harrington also lacks a sense of style, as evidenced by his Burger King pants and this photo:
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If the Bills move to Canada full time, are we allowed to start a war? Militia style or something? - @BillyBlue37

I'm probably a bad person to ask, as I've always liked Canada, my first concert was Barenaked Ladies, and my first kiss was with A Good Canadian Boy.  Honestly, seeing the Bills move anywhere else would hurt me deeply, but better Toronto or Hamilton than LA.  LA is possibly the worst city I've never been to, and I've never been to Mogadishu.  My tolerance of a Bills to Canada move could also just be for my fantasy scenario manifesting itself:  the Bills move to Toronto, the Argos move to Buffalo, and when the Buffalo Argonauts beat the Saskatchewan Roughriders for the Grey Cup it will be such a sweet, sweet November day.  This would probably happen sooner than a Lombardi, so adjusting our expectations and embracing our Canadian overlords is probably our best bet.  I should really be kidding, but sadly i'm not kidding enough.
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Meet Ricky Ray, not a NASCAR driver, but the Argo's actual QB.
Why do I care about basketball more than I care about hockey? - @Y_vo

I agree with @FrackingSabres that it's because you hate white people.  It's cool, though. I hate white people too.  Let's do some Johnnies games at MSG this year.  Any NYC Deeg interest?  If anyone is looking for a college basketball team to root for we have God'sgift on our team; you might recognize him from the two years he spent at ECC dominating the NJCAA, but yeah it's his name you'd remember, not his stats.
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Lou Carnesecca, Chris Mullin, and @Boner_Shorts
A friend just got separated from his lady. Should he pork one of her friends or just someone she knows?   Follow up: do gals hate it when someone says they porked them? - @Boner_Shorts

Ok, so what he needs after this break is a shot of virility ASAP.  To deliver the best advice I asked the Bone Man for some more information, and the good news is that I have a feeling your buddy is going to be fine once he gets his sea legs back in the single market.  Here is my advice to him: don't sleep with your ex-wife's friends, unless you've always been eyeing each other and you don't mind your ex finding out since she will definitely find out.  Someone she just knows is probably a slightly safer bet, ideally some other recently divorced/separated lady looking for a rebound/opportunity to get back on her feet too.  

But, I really think he should look beyond the wife's circle/age group and go for some young trim.  Nothing will get him back into it like fucking some college broad.  Also, younger girls will be into it if he's in good enough shape, has good enough hair, and has at least an alright face.  I highly recommend to all my girlfriends that they nail olderbros and nearly everyone I've talked to about this agrees thoroughly.

Incidentally, with this philosophy I've come across some amusing tales - discovering the gentleman you've bedded remembers seeing the Colts play in Memorial Stadium in Baltimore, or that he watched the Mets win the 1986 World Series in while he was in middle school, or that his sex playlist contained "Barry Manilow's Weekend in New England," or that he started having chest pains while fucking in the sauna at the gym.  One of these may or may not have happened to me - #plausibledeniability - but all of these are true events repeated with permission from my circle of friends.  

So what I'm saying, B-Shortz, is that if he's looking to stuff a turkey come this Thanksgiving, give me his number, I'll be in town.  Oh and don't call it "porking" that's definitely not Kosher.


Can I call in sick to work if I have the Losing Disease?  - @FrackingSabres

No.  One must always save their sick days for hangovers, spontaneous morning-turned-allday-sexromps, and for emergencies: like when your DVR is almost filled up or if there's work sponsored team building activities   Oh, and if you're actually sick, that will sneak up on you, so don't plan on having to many sexromps or too many hangovers.  Yo, Gatorade me bitch.


Are you there Deegers?  It's me, The Continental:

So the best thing that's ever happened in Bill Simmons Sports Guy Mailbag is this reader's question (from a few weeks ago):

Q: I am one step closer to being in the Gordie Howe Sex Club (GHSC). Gordie played during five different decades of the NHL; my goal is to sleep with a woman who was born during five different decades. This past weekend I finally slept with a woman from the 1990s (I had '60s, '70s, '80s). I am really excited now that I have knocked out four different decades. After sharing the news we got to debating whether I should suck it up and go for a woman that was born in 1959 or wait until 2018. I figured I needed to get the Sports Guy opinion. Should I go old or go young?
—Mark J., Los Angeles


So, dear readers, how far are you into the Gordie Howe Sex Club?  Also, subquestion, is this the best worst idea or the worst best idea for a club ever?  I'll hang up and listen.
17 Comments
NOT Rusty
10/24/2012 04:22:57 am

What advice do you have for a down on his luck skinny, semi-virginal 120lb pale male?

Imagine Conan O'Brien with short blond hair, just shorter and not as funny.

Reply
Ironman92
10/24/2012 04:40:56 am

A woman born during 5 different decades? IMPOSSIBLE!

Reply
Ironman92
10/24/2012 04:48:16 am

1959 - still doable, and you might be dead by 2018. Probably will be, actually. Just saying.

Reply
daKunt
10/24/2012 05:04:34 am

Go for the 59'er. Old women can be kinky and may rock your world! Plus she's prob had menopause so no pregnancy scares.

Reply
daKunt
10/24/2012 05:07:12 am

@NotRusty - I've got a woman in Boston for you....

Reply
NotRusty
10/24/2012 05:26:08 am

Lets do this. Just make sure she's attracted to men who could pass for chemotherapy patients.

Reply
daKunt
10/24/2012 05:39:26 am

her standards are pretty low.

dinos
10/24/2012 06:06:49 am

LIVE BLOG LIVE BLOG

Reply
The Continental
10/24/2012 06:39:21 am

Fuck no, I am not letting this happen to Lil'Rusty... he's not ready and he's too nice. He's into AZN girls, so watch out dinos.

Reply
jambrones
10/24/2012 09:13:15 am

this is so much fun. excellent job.

Reply
The Barrister
10/24/2012 10:44:52 am

I know have serious aspirations to write something here that gets as many creepos out of the woodwork. Jesus tittyfucking Christ.

Reply
Ironman92
10/25/2012 01:34:57 am

We got a lot more where these came from.

Reply
CriminallyVu1gar link
10/24/2012 11:49:57 am

GHSC:
I have 90s...and uh...90s, and uh...90s. Do blowjobs count? If yes, then I also have the 80s and might be able to knock out the 70s as well.

Reply
Outlander
10/26/2012 02:30:39 am

Finally getting around to answer after stupid travel all week. I have the same decades as the gentleman who asked the question, but I would gladly trade away the 60's and just hold onto the decades that aren't gross for me to have conquered. Also when this got asked I was like "only 80's and 70's, I'm boring." Took about a minute but definitely flushed out the other decades. Solid question. Side note, I'm gross.

Reply
daKunt
10/26/2012 06:24:55 am

I've done 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's & 80's. I win the Slut Award. Booyah!

Reply
The Continental
10/27/2012 12:36:00 am

Legend status daKunt. Love you <3

Reply
@ScottyMCSS link
11/11/2012 12:12:38 am

I had a dream last night that Tom Brady broke into my house at night and punched me in the taint, then laughed hysterically (like Knox Harrington), and skipped out the front door. What an asshole. Also, I don't even have a taint, but that shit hurt.

Can you please analyze this dream for me? I tried to read the tea leaves myself, but all that kept coming up was images of Ralph Wilson's face slow-mouthing the words "Fuck you, Buffff-aaaaa-loooooo."

Creepy.

Reply



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