I made it back from the Thanksgiving pilgrimage to my childhood home, and boy do things there never change. Except my father made me install a new glass door with my brother, and boy did it almost fall on me and permanently disfigure my face. Plus I even got to meet The Outlander! I have finally met every Deeg-er and boy are we more hilarious and inappropriate in person. The written word does not do enough justice. I'll be home for Christmas too, and I'm planning on hitting an Amerks game. Look me up, I'll probably even buy you a beer because holy tits I forgot how cheap beer can be, no but seriously wow.
First, I'm pretty sure Cyndi Lauper has been ragging it since 1981, though that's not exactly relevant.
I'm pretty sure this question depends on if you're asking a man or a woman, and - if it is a woman - how crazy that woman is regularly. I'm crazy, but self-aware in general, though occasionally the stars align to give me a mad period ragestorm of epic proportions. So - by way of example - here's my best one ever:
This summer I was having a shitty day so I decided to take the bus to see a movie, I had to wait forty god damn minutes for the bus and when I go to swipe my Metrocard it was expired AND the bus driver told me to get off. Normally this never happens, especially to people that look like me, so I fucking lashed out on a verbal shitstorm including choice phrases "Fuck you, you fucking fuck" "You have to be shitting me" and "why do have to be such a god damn cunt." I did not assault the bus driver, though - that's a felony. I rage stomp home and a car starts to run the light and almost hits me. I kicked his hubcap as hard as I could and screamed "You ignorant cunt I don't fucking want to hear it you almost killed me." Then I cried the rest of my two blocks walk home.
Wow. #ASSMODE 11/26/12, never forget. I already forgot who that guy was but #ASSMODE will remain in infamy. I would date a guy into #ASSMODE because Craig Ferguson is the strongest late night host in that time slot. Oh but wait, you probably meant it in the funny/innuendo laden way. You think you're sooooo clever.
The thing about #ASSMODE is that it used to be the final frontier. Nowadays thanks to heavy doses of self righteous Christian conservatism and abstinence only education many of my peers gave up #ASSMODE before the V. That is reprehensible, vile, and unacceptable. #ASSMODE is a sacred bond for: birthdays, when you lose a bad argument, or when you really reaaaaaally wanted something and he bought it for you.
Dear Continental, Do you swallow? @CriminallyVu1ga
I grouped these questions together because I feel these questions are just asking me the same question, and that question is "Are you 14?"
No I am not 14, I once was though, and wow was I uncool. I was already painfully aware I hated everyone I went to school with in pretty much every capacity, and I was heavily involved in martial arts. I KNOW! However martial arts did give me access to a slew of boys that didn't live in my pigfucking hometown. One of these not-a-pigfucker's was a Good Canadian Boy who's name WASN'T Brian.
Anyways, Not-Brian and I saw each other twice a month at various karate events and tournaments and #childhoodcrushes ensued. At a karate tournament at non other than premier Buffalo establishment - the Adam's Mark Hotel - we snuck off to some employees only hallway to make out. On this day he won whatever division I was sure he wouldn't, so he goaded me into giving him a handy. I was sooooo close to doing it, but then we heard footsteps and ran. And that's how I never made it to second base. But then there is karate camp, which is basically band camp but with way more punches to the face. So, yes.
Stupid Autocorrect, Tom Brady. @MsBossyNoPants
I asked @Boner_Shorts to contribute to this one, I know no one could do the kind of justice Bone Man could do to this topic. #BonerShortsContinental2016
We hate him because of what he's turned in to.
Back in 2001, he was this bright-eyed nobody drafted in the 6th round who, if you think back to that time, everyone kind of rooted for. He was the underdog QB who got shoved in to a starting role on a team that was lousy the year before. He put up modest numbers, made efficient throws, and next thing you knew he was getting his team in to field goal range at the end of the Super Bowl. The oblivious way he said "We won!" and hugged a seething Bledsoe after the first Super Bowl was endearing. He was a likeable guy and didn't stage dive on women at the Paradise at shitty Everclear concerts. I actually met him the summer of 2002. A band I worked for was playing on Jay Mohr's Mohr Sports show in LA and he was the guest. He was massive, humble, and above all else - super fucking nice. He genuinely laughed when I stuck out my hand to shake his and said, "Sorry, but I am a Bills fan so I can't reeeeally be happy for you."
And then he won two more Super Bowls. The winning was at the expense of my favorite team, but you really want to know what was most annoying? He became an asshole. He started whining to the refs if someone so much as stepped on his shoelace, and he got the flag every time. He started hucking the ball to Randy Moss late in the 4th quarter when they were up by 31 points. Hell, he was PLAYING late in the 4th quarter when they were up by 31 points. He grew his hair out and then feathered it between bitching out his receivers on the sideline. He dumped the Hollywood chick and started banging a fucking supermodel. He got a Beiber haircut. He became the kind of player who creates casual fans who have no ties to the New England area just because he's cute. And worst of all, he started dressing like a goddamn asshole. Seriously, these photos are of a grown ass man, nevermind an NFL football player (see above and below).
And to top it all off, we then found out that all the early success he had was a bit of a sham. Did every team try and steal signs? Sure. I liken it to porn. Does everyone watch it? Yes, otherwise it wouldn't be a multi billion dollar industry. But does everyone have a library with a staff dedicated to rating every single money shot, and then sort those ratings in a sealed vault? Well, no and that's frankly a bit fucked up. The league thought so too and fined the shit out of the team and stripped them of a 1st round pick. And a funny thing happened... he hasn't won a Super Bowl since. Now, he got there again twice but as we Bills fans know all too well - just getting there doesn't make you great.
Not all Patriots fan are honks though. My season ticket holding Pats fan friend even hates him. Why? In his words - "Simple. John Hughes became a legend by feeding people's desire to see the smug prettyboy preppy pricks getting the shaft."
So why do we hate him? Because he alone has dominated this division for over a decade. Because he makes me watch the Patriots every week just because I want to watch it live if and when someone snaps his femur. Because he dresses like he has a sassy gay man who works for his wife dress him. And because prior to his endorsement, I didn't even know Uggs had a men's line.
Seriously, fuck that guy.
Gee, that's an oddly specific question. Please allow me a moment to guess what this means.
Sounds like you and an AWESOME COOL SMART FUNNY friend went to Buffalo and had some pops. Sounds like your AWESOME COOL SMART FUNNY friend decided to pay back her gratitude with some dope ass homemade raviolis and homemade sauce. Sounds like she was probably sort of drunk and afraid to talk to the cashier at Jim's Steakout. Sounds like she wanted a chicken finger sub even though she already had a perfectly good Lloyd's burrito in her purse because all the chicken fingers in New York City are pre-processed breaded sawdust. Sounds like she put that chicken finger sub in her eating two bites. Sounds like at some point during this gluttonfest, the delicious container of sauce got knocked over. Sounds like when she realized this she felt REALLY REALLY BADLY about it, so she used the lid of the container to scoop out the delicious saucy mess. Sounds like then she shut the door with her sauced up hands Christian Bale in American Psycho style.
At least your mom's car smells like sauce now and not weird popcorn, I mean I'm just guessing, how would I know?
What do you think about #ASSMODE? This question goes both ways in every ways.