SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT IN ALL THE HATS. Well, pack it in guys, wait until hockey....no can't do that.....well the Knicks start in October.....ugh, fuck James Dolan......well there's always Liverpool....they can't score......well, the Mets start again next March!......OH WELL SHIT I'LL JUST QUIT THIS SPORTS CRAP ALTOGETHER THEN, A HOLES.
So if you're looking for someone to point the finger at for Fitz throwing all weird yesterday and into tight coverage and not going through his progressions and hyper-staring down his receivers, most of your pointing should obviously be directed towards the Rifle himself. But don't forget, there's another idiot in charge hired by old men telling him to do it the "right" way....his name is David Lee, and he has lego helmet hair. Ah the Buffalo Bills way: IF IT'S WORKING FUCK WITH IT AND CHANGE IT SOMEHOW SO IT STOPS WORKING RIGHT AND THEN EXTEND ITS CONTRACT AND HIRE AN ANCIENT GRAYHAIR TO OVERSEE IT ALL.
On to the recap!
The Buffalo Bills Backers of New York City rolled out an awesome tailgate in Lot 26 B, complete with bowling ball shots and Scizz's weirdly favorite person ever Kenny who apparently attends every game (seriously it's weird how much Jazz Hands loves this guy, but we let him go because....it's fucking Jazz Hands. He does weird shit). Joe Pinzone of Buffalo Wins brought out the Canollis (of course) and passed them out like Jesus with the Loaves and Fish.
Special thanks goes out to Sean and EJ, our friends via Barrister, for cooking fucking STEAKS AND KIELBASA. Oh my god it was AMAZING. Delightfully cured meats, a portable grill, Bloody Marys....fuck me I love tailgaitng.
We drank beer, got sunburned, and commiserated and laughed with the shockingly friendly Jet fans about how garbage our squads were going to be and the likelihood of the score being 7-2 when the whistle blew. HA WE WERE SO FUCKING WRONG PANTS.
- Everything sucks. No, seriously. Defensively, we made Mark Sanchez look like a masterful practitioner of the Quarterback Arts. I can't tell you how many times we loaded the box when they were clearly throwing, leaving our inexperienced/shitty DBs singled against speedy receievers. And what I originally thought was blitzing actually wasn't. It was just our guys crowding the line, getting beat, and then dropping into crappy zone/man mix while our young DBs got torched.
- Apparently we can run the football. I can't figure out if it's because the Jets were so far ahead/Rex Ryan is a terrible coach and his teams lack discipline or if we're actually a talented running team with a surefire weapon named Claudia Jean Spiller. For the sake of my sanity and enjoyment of next week's game, I'll go the latter. However realistically it's because Rex Ryan is a dubious disciplinarian. Fuck me.
- We are still a second half team. 3 TDs in the 2nd half proved that. If you're looking for positives, you COULD conceivably point out that aside from the TAINT and the Punt return, we only lost by a touchdown on the road to the Jets in their home opener. I'll stick to that until the Chiefs are pounding us into the turf next week 21-7 at the end of the first quarter. Then I'll jump on the 0-16 bandwagon. (SPOILER ALERT: I ALREADY HAVE AND IT IS A SAD PLACE)
- The running game. Even when Fred Jackson went down (FUCKING FANTASY PANIC ATTACK JESUS FREDEX BE HEALTHY), CJ Spiller looked like the first round home run hitter we wanted when we drafted him. Man that motherfucker can run the football but fast.
- Scott Chandler. I don't know why we don't throw to him more. He's a phenomenally underrated tight end with speed and size who provides mismatches downfield, over the middle, and at the sidelines.
- That's about it, really.
- Leodis McKelvin might be the worst corner in the NFL. McGee is completely passed whatever prime he may have had. Williams and Gilmore are woefully inexperienced. Welcome to your 2012 Buffalo Bills Defensive Secondary! Cue the weekly torchings.
- Ohhhhhhh Fitzy Fitzy Fitzy. I want to believe in you. But it's not gonna happen. If you play like this next week, it's Tarvaris Time (silently sobs into pillow).
- Mario Williams.....way to endear yourself. First, you get smoked on the field by first-ever-start journeyman Austin Howard. Then you bitch after the game about illegal hands to the face. YOU'RE GOING TO LET A WEAK BITCH LIKE AUSTIN HOWARD SLAP YOU AROUND?!?! Smells like Aaron Schobel-level quit to me.
The Chiefs. They are as abysmal as we are. We crushed them last year, so they'll be looking for revenge. Todd "Asshole" Haley isn't coaching them anymore, so we won't have his ineptitude and inability to motivate his players to depend on. Instead, Grandpa Defense Romeo Crennel is coaching them. After losing this week, they'll be out for blood. And if the Bills play like they did yesterday, blood is what they will have. Prediction? 28-17 Chiefs. Ugh.
We are so fucked. #Barkley2013.