The Outlander
As this post was written this morning, you will be able to distinctly tell when in the course of writing it, the Bills head coach became the Bills former head coach. The first paragraph may have already been proven wrong but Ralph Wilson still sucks so I am leaving the intro unchanged. Thank goodness it didn't actually happen this way....
As this post was written this morning, you will be able to distinctly tell when in the course of writing it, the Bills head coach became the Bills former head coach. The first paragraph may have already been proven wrong but Ralph Wilson still sucks so I am leaving the intro unchanged. Thank goodness it didn't actually happen this way....
While the national media continues to make mistakes by assuming the Buffalo Bills are run like a professional franchise and #BerlsMafia start making their travel plans to New York City for Super Bowl XLVIII, I’m bringing you part two of my college football bowl “preview.” Trust me, this is much more palatable than digesting the fact that as less inept coaches are getting the ax, we likely have to wait for Chan and Buddy to take a carriage ride to suburban Detroit and throw themselves at the feet of Ralph Wilson like they’re fucking Catherine of Aragon begging for acceptance from their pathetic master. Because three seasons of futility aren’t enough and Ralph’s galaxy sized ego needs to look them in the eye and pass judgment upon his subjects only after seeing them tremble before him first. I hate this decrepit fool, this conniving snake oil salesman from the Mr. Burns school of the cartoonishly evil, feebly attempting to protect both his assets and his image while failing at both. He’s a villain from a Dickens novel, not a fucking hall-of-famer, but I digress.
It's Ralph, not "Mr. Wilson"
There’s four bowls this New Year’s Eve so I’m going to jump right into the games so this post can go up before they start. Also, I feel New Year’s Eve should be a day off in most offices. After all, those who took holiday vacations shouldn’t have to rush back or use a day off, and everyone’s looking ahead to filling their gullet with shrimp and champagne and spending the entire next day nursing a hangover. For The Outlander, I’m bypassing the usual house party for Hibachi and Elmwood. This is a delicate dance; I’m used to kissing the year goodbye by getting blacked out in front of friends, not complete strangers but I feel there will be enough fighting bros and crying drunk girls to make me less concerned about myself. On to the games!
Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl, December 31st, Noon ESPN
NC State v. Vanderbilt: Apparently Vanderbilt isn’t terrible now, which is good since it’s the only respectable academic institution in either Tennessee or its half-sister/half-sex partner Kentucky. They’re being rewarded for their improvements by being given a pseudo-home game in Nashville, but my guess is non-Vandy alums from the state look down on them for taking courses on history, physics and math and not moonshining and creationism like the real Americans who graduate from the U of Tennessee.
In NC State’s corner, we have this, so go Wolfpack.
Hyundai Sun Bowl, December 31st, 2pm CBS
USC v. Georgia Tech: Apparently a few USC players are in trouble for tweeting their thoughts that El Paso (where this game takes place) a shitty town. Now, I’ve never been to El Paso but I feel that not only is it a shitty town but that everyone should be given a pass if they want to call some place they’re traveling on business a shithole. We don’t have to embrace all of America like we’re goddamn Norman Rockwell; I’m sure no one would complain if USC athletes shit all over Paris or Prague but once they touch the sacred grounds known as El-fucking-Paso, they’re awful. Fuck El Paso. You know what I think of when I think of El Paso? I picture drug traffickers on the other side of the Rio Grande picking off tourists like the sniper in Inglorious Basterds. I know I’m wrong but hey, that’s your image- fix it.
Also, Chan Gailey got fired from Georgia Tech and is still the Buffalo Bills head coach.
NC State v. Vanderbilt: Apparently Vanderbilt isn’t terrible now, which is good since it’s the only respectable academic institution in either Tennessee or its half-sister/half-sex partner Kentucky. They’re being rewarded for their improvements by being given a pseudo-home game in Nashville, but my guess is non-Vandy alums from the state look down on them for taking courses on history, physics and math and not moonshining and creationism like the real Americans who graduate from the U of Tennessee.
In NC State’s corner, we have this, so go Wolfpack.
Hyundai Sun Bowl, December 31st, 2pm CBS
USC v. Georgia Tech: Apparently a few USC players are in trouble for tweeting their thoughts that El Paso (where this game takes place) a shitty town. Now, I’ve never been to El Paso but I feel that not only is it a shitty town but that everyone should be given a pass if they want to call some place they’re traveling on business a shithole. We don’t have to embrace all of America like we’re goddamn Norman Rockwell; I’m sure no one would complain if USC athletes shit all over Paris or Prague but once they touch the sacred grounds known as El-fucking-Paso, they’re awful. Fuck El Paso. You know what I think of when I think of El Paso? I picture drug traffickers on the other side of the Rio Grande picking off tourists like the sniper in Inglorious Basterds. I know I’m wrong but hey, that’s your image- fix it.
Also, Chan Gailey got fired from Georgia Tech and is still the Buffalo Bills head coach.
CORRECTION: "IS NOT"
Autozone Liberty Bowl, December 31st, 3:30pm ESPN
Iowa State v. Tulsa: I adore Iowa State’s unis. I also know I could not name a single player on either of these teams. All I know is I’m still bitter that I picked Iowa State to win the national title in 2001 only to have them lose in the first round to Hampton. Stupid Marcus Fizer. Also, their basketball coach was totally railroaded. So he got drunk with a bunch of college kids and was whispering sweet nothings to some coeds; better than Petrino getting into a motorcycle accident with his 24-year-old mistress, which is still not a fire-able offense but definitely makes him a scumbag. I’ve said this before and I will say it again: The only acceptable old guy-young woman relationship was Grover Cleveland and Francis Flosom. All others are sad and gross.
Chick-fil-A Bowl, December 31st, 7:30pm ESPN
LSU v. Clemson: Solid game to watch as you innocently start an evening that will end with burn holes in your suit/dress and sleeping with your contacts in. Given the sponsor, all last week I was hoping a star player on either side came out of the closet and then proceeded to parade around their partner to every media event to flaunt their forbidden man-love, even as a gag. Would Chick-fil-A have taken the bait? The firestorm would have been amazing.
TaxSlayer.com Gator Bowl, January 1st, Noon ESPN2
Mississippi State v. Northwestern: This is the first game on next year’s slate. In related news, it isn’t well known that you’re legally allowed to punch anyone in the face that references tomorrow as “next year,” but you are. Trust us, we have one-and-a-half lawyers at the deeg.*
*Don’t trust us ever.
Heart of Dallas Bowl, January 1st, Noon ESPNU
Purdue v. Oklahoma State: They seriously named this game that? Fuck Dallas. That doesn’t even make sense. At least “heart of Texas,” comes from some song. I can only assume the heart of Dallas is the region that I’ve seen on “First 48,” and that seems like a rather malicious heart if you ask me.
Outback Bowl, January 1st, 1pm ESPN
South Carolina v. Michigan: Two teams that had sizable expectations and were forgotten by the midway point. I’m assuming I’ll be forgetting about this game as well, mostly because of the one below it that is at the same time.
Capital One Bowl, January 1st, 1pm ABC
Georgia v. Nebraska: The team I wanted in the national championship with the quarterback I want the Bills to draft if he were to become eligible. Of course by beating the Jets yesterday the Bills have merely assured that the two players that will be picked before them will be future pro bowlers and the Bills will be stuck with some mixture of Aaron Maybin, Donte Whitner, and a sack of onions. Plus, Taylor Martinez is really fun to watch for Nebraska, even if they somehow got rolled by a Wisconsin team that finished third in their division. Speaking of…
Rose Bowl, January 1st, 5pm ESPN
Wisconsin v. Stanford: No, I’m not discussing the sponsors for these games. They will always be the Rose, Orange, Sugar, and Fiesta, with a slight pass to the latter only because it’s fun to say “Tostitos.” Anyways, Wisconsin is the luckiest Rose Bowl participant of modern times. They lost to Ohio State and Penn State in back to back weeks yet were rewarded with a spot in the Big Ten title game back in week six because the NCAA is a sweet organization. There really is no ideal solution here, both teams needed to be bowl ineligible for at least a season, but everyone needs to at least be aware that calling Wisconsin the Big Ten champs is a joke. Now watch them roll Stanford and make me look like a dick.
Iowa State v. Tulsa: I adore Iowa State’s unis. I also know I could not name a single player on either of these teams. All I know is I’m still bitter that I picked Iowa State to win the national title in 2001 only to have them lose in the first round to Hampton. Stupid Marcus Fizer. Also, their basketball coach was totally railroaded. So he got drunk with a bunch of college kids and was whispering sweet nothings to some coeds; better than Petrino getting into a motorcycle accident with his 24-year-old mistress, which is still not a fire-able offense but definitely makes him a scumbag. I’ve said this before and I will say it again: The only acceptable old guy-young woman relationship was Grover Cleveland and Francis Flosom. All others are sad and gross.
Chick-fil-A Bowl, December 31st, 7:30pm ESPN
LSU v. Clemson: Solid game to watch as you innocently start an evening that will end with burn holes in your suit/dress and sleeping with your contacts in. Given the sponsor, all last week I was hoping a star player on either side came out of the closet and then proceeded to parade around their partner to every media event to flaunt their forbidden man-love, even as a gag. Would Chick-fil-A have taken the bait? The firestorm would have been amazing.
TaxSlayer.com Gator Bowl, January 1st, Noon ESPN2
Mississippi State v. Northwestern: This is the first game on next year’s slate. In related news, it isn’t well known that you’re legally allowed to punch anyone in the face that references tomorrow as “next year,” but you are. Trust us, we have one-and-a-half lawyers at the deeg.*
*Don’t trust us ever.
Heart of Dallas Bowl, January 1st, Noon ESPNU
Purdue v. Oklahoma State: They seriously named this game that? Fuck Dallas. That doesn’t even make sense. At least “heart of Texas,” comes from some song. I can only assume the heart of Dallas is the region that I’ve seen on “First 48,” and that seems like a rather malicious heart if you ask me.
Outback Bowl, January 1st, 1pm ESPN
South Carolina v. Michigan: Two teams that had sizable expectations and were forgotten by the midway point. I’m assuming I’ll be forgetting about this game as well, mostly because of the one below it that is at the same time.
Capital One Bowl, January 1st, 1pm ABC
Georgia v. Nebraska: The team I wanted in the national championship with the quarterback I want the Bills to draft if he were to become eligible. Of course by beating the Jets yesterday the Bills have merely assured that the two players that will be picked before them will be future pro bowlers and the Bills will be stuck with some mixture of Aaron Maybin, Donte Whitner, and a sack of onions. Plus, Taylor Martinez is really fun to watch for Nebraska, even if they somehow got rolled by a Wisconsin team that finished third in their division. Speaking of…
Rose Bowl, January 1st, 5pm ESPN
Wisconsin v. Stanford: No, I’m not discussing the sponsors for these games. They will always be the Rose, Orange, Sugar, and Fiesta, with a slight pass to the latter only because it’s fun to say “Tostitos.” Anyways, Wisconsin is the luckiest Rose Bowl participant of modern times. They lost to Ohio State and Penn State in back to back weeks yet were rewarded with a spot in the Big Ten title game back in week six because the NCAA is a sweet organization. There really is no ideal solution here, both teams needed to be bowl ineligible for at least a season, but everyone needs to at least be aware that calling Wisconsin the Big Ten champs is a joke. Now watch them roll Stanford and make me look like a dick.
Orange Bowl, January 1, 8:30pm ESPN
Northern Illinois v. Florida State: Ah yes, the game that made Kirk Herbstriet meltdown on national television because he felt the NCAA isn’t sanctimonious on their own and decided to use the mouthpiece of ESPN to help out. I’ve never really rooted for Florida State in any situation that doesn’t involve them playing the other awful schools in their own state and the typical dick swinging over a tiny MAC school making the BCS makes it easy to not start now. It strikes me that with the absence of hockey, I’ll probably be watching more of these bowl games than I ever had before, and if you’re in the same boat, at least this one has a clear “underdog” you can root for. Also, FSU should have lost to St. Bonaventure in the first round of the NCAA’s but didn’t because not feeding your first round NBA draft pick in the last minute of a close game is just too off the wall.
Sugar Bowl, January 2, 8:30pm ESPN
Louisville v. Florida: Remember how I just said I’d be watching more of these bowls this year? Well I’m not really counting this one. I had no idea who won the Big East or who was playing in this game until reading this. I don’t know, use this time to take down your holiday decorations, read some non-fiction, or browse through a new genre of internet porn. Just don’t watch this game.
TOSTITOS Fiesta Bowl, January 3, 8:30pm ESPN
Oregon v. Kansas State: Okay now that your decorations are down and your porn horizons are expanded, watch this game, the national championship we were all headed to before we were reminded that there are no such thing as sports gods and we’re stuck with the same lazy storylines every goddamn year. Chip Kelly’s offense against Colin Klien’s offense, I am so in. Assholes in the PTI and Sports Reporters crowd may have let a big sigh of relief go when both these teams were upset so they could dust off their Notre Dame columns from 1990 and their Alabama columns from the last five years, simply change the names and send them in. Because writing about the most exciting offense in college football against its oldest coach, and two teams that have never won a title is simply too demanding for today’s notebook jockeys. Whatever, this game is going to be ten times more entertaining than the Rapists v. Racists bowl we get a week from tonight.
Cotton Bowl, January 4th, 8pm FOX
Texas A&M v. Oklahoma: Johnny Football. All I know is we’re about to get annoyed here in the Northeast when regional commitments mean we get some game off the scrap heap like Boston College-Virginia Tech instead of Johnny Football v. the world for the next three seasons. Also, Johnny Football doesn’t really seem like the book-learnin’ type, but I implore him to stay in school for three years. By then we should finally be concluding that whoever the Bills 2013 opening day quarterback was a huge embarrassing failure, setting us up for Mr. Manziel to rescue us from the Bills 16-year playoff drought. You see.
BBVA Compass Bowl, January 5th, 1pm ESPN
Pittsburgh v. Ole Miss: You gotta love the shitty bowl games that would otherwise be played on December 17th except ESPN has to find something to fill the time between the BCS games and the National Championship. I know you all have something better to do on Saturday than watch this game. It’s also taking place in Birmingham, Alabama, in what I have to imagine is the field the former World League team Birmingham Fire played on. Fun Outlander fact- I made my Mom buy me the entire World League set at the Erie County Fair when I was a kid. The card booth at the fair, the library bus, the homemade fudge and the mist room were my favorite spots there but nothing was better than the cards.
Speaking of the Birmingham Fire, OH MY GOD GO AWAY ALREADY…
Northern Illinois v. Florida State: Ah yes, the game that made Kirk Herbstriet meltdown on national television because he felt the NCAA isn’t sanctimonious on their own and decided to use the mouthpiece of ESPN to help out. I’ve never really rooted for Florida State in any situation that doesn’t involve them playing the other awful schools in their own state and the typical dick swinging over a tiny MAC school making the BCS makes it easy to not start now. It strikes me that with the absence of hockey, I’ll probably be watching more of these bowl games than I ever had before, and if you’re in the same boat, at least this one has a clear “underdog” you can root for. Also, FSU should have lost to St. Bonaventure in the first round of the NCAA’s but didn’t because not feeding your first round NBA draft pick in the last minute of a close game is just too off the wall.
Sugar Bowl, January 2, 8:30pm ESPN
Louisville v. Florida: Remember how I just said I’d be watching more of these bowls this year? Well I’m not really counting this one. I had no idea who won the Big East or who was playing in this game until reading this. I don’t know, use this time to take down your holiday decorations, read some non-fiction, or browse through a new genre of internet porn. Just don’t watch this game.
TOSTITOS Fiesta Bowl, January 3, 8:30pm ESPN
Oregon v. Kansas State: Okay now that your decorations are down and your porn horizons are expanded, watch this game, the national championship we were all headed to before we were reminded that there are no such thing as sports gods and we’re stuck with the same lazy storylines every goddamn year. Chip Kelly’s offense against Colin Klien’s offense, I am so in. Assholes in the PTI and Sports Reporters crowd may have let a big sigh of relief go when both these teams were upset so they could dust off their Notre Dame columns from 1990 and their Alabama columns from the last five years, simply change the names and send them in. Because writing about the most exciting offense in college football against its oldest coach, and two teams that have never won a title is simply too demanding for today’s notebook jockeys. Whatever, this game is going to be ten times more entertaining than the Rapists v. Racists bowl we get a week from tonight.
Cotton Bowl, January 4th, 8pm FOX
Texas A&M v. Oklahoma: Johnny Football. All I know is we’re about to get annoyed here in the Northeast when regional commitments mean we get some game off the scrap heap like Boston College-Virginia Tech instead of Johnny Football v. the world for the next three seasons. Also, Johnny Football doesn’t really seem like the book-learnin’ type, but I implore him to stay in school for three years. By then we should finally be concluding that whoever the Bills 2013 opening day quarterback was a huge embarrassing failure, setting us up for Mr. Manziel to rescue us from the Bills 16-year playoff drought. You see.
BBVA Compass Bowl, January 5th, 1pm ESPN
Pittsburgh v. Ole Miss: You gotta love the shitty bowl games that would otherwise be played on December 17th except ESPN has to find something to fill the time between the BCS games and the National Championship. I know you all have something better to do on Saturday than watch this game. It’s also taking place in Birmingham, Alabama, in what I have to imagine is the field the former World League team Birmingham Fire played on. Fun Outlander fact- I made my Mom buy me the entire World League set at the Erie County Fair when I was a kid. The card booth at the fair, the library bus, the homemade fudge and the mist room were my favorite spots there but nothing was better than the cards.
Speaking of the Birmingham Fire, OH MY GOD GO AWAY ALREADY…
This is SO PERFECT
GoDaddy.com Bowl, January 6th, 9pm ESPN
Kent State v. Arkansas State: Well, thanks to twitter I’ve already made my Jonesboro, Arkansas as a shithole jokes for the latter team, and a Model UN conference makeout story for the former, so my cache of insight on this game is depleted. It’s also come across that Chan Gailey has indeed been fired so expecting me to just go about my business and make a crack about how many morons without internet saavy will be fooled into think Danica Patrick is getting naked on godaddy.com is just unfair.
Stay tuned for Part 3/BCS Championship Preview later this week or Monday.
Finally,
HAPPY FIRE CHAN DAY!!!!! I look forward to a Chan-free 2013 and the same for every year beyond that. As I bid goodbye to 2012 I’d like to thank St. Bonaventure for their magical run to the NCAA tournament and Man City’s EPL title for somewhat obscuring the fire that was the Bills, Sabres and Red Sox. And the rest of the deeg for letting me join in on their debauchery.
Now let’s get drunk.
Kent State v. Arkansas State: Well, thanks to twitter I’ve already made my Jonesboro, Arkansas as a shithole jokes for the latter team, and a Model UN conference makeout story for the former, so my cache of insight on this game is depleted. It’s also come across that Chan Gailey has indeed been fired so expecting me to just go about my business and make a crack about how many morons without internet saavy will be fooled into think Danica Patrick is getting naked on godaddy.com is just unfair.
Stay tuned for Part 3/BCS Championship Preview later this week or Monday.
Finally,
HAPPY FIRE CHAN DAY!!!!! I look forward to a Chan-free 2013 and the same for every year beyond that. As I bid goodbye to 2012 I’d like to thank St. Bonaventure for their magical run to the NCAA tournament and Man City’s EPL title for somewhat obscuring the fire that was the Bills, Sabres and Red Sox. And the rest of the deeg for letting me join in on their debauchery.
Now let’s get drunk.
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