That's right. I used a quote from The Road. One of the most depressing films (and book, for all y'all uneducated mofo's out there) of all time. And why not? The Buffalo Bills are normally as depressing as humanly possible. This franchise has sent me into roller coasters of emotion like nothing else in my life....except when Hoboken was supposed to get a Trader Joe's and it was a G-Damn lie from a management company to get people to buy condos near by. Those bastards should be shot out of a cannon into that giant floating pile of garbage in the Pacific Ocean and forced to eat each other one by one as they die. Ok, that might be extreme, but the lesson? Don't screw with my emotions, BILLS!
But of course. that's exactly what they did to me with week one. Buffalo actually looked....[takes deep breath]....[sighs]....kinda decent. And there it is. A game with very low expectations that they just barely lost, leaving me in neutral. Do I get excited about some of the potential I saw? Do I say fuck it they didn't win and that's all that matters in the end game? I'm leaning towards the latter, but either way we're gonna survive this together, guys. Against the belief of many maniacal twibbon jerk-offs on Twitter, just because you lower expectations or refuse to get sucked into unfounded high hopes, that doesn't mean you "quit" on your team. It means you use your fucking brain and realize Bryan Scott was never any good at football.
Let's start with the positive anyways, shall we?
1. I lead with E.J. Manuel last week and I do the same this week. As Barrister touched on in his recap, the kid didn't necessarily look like an All-Pro, but he looked composed and confident enough against the New England fucking Patriots to get us all little squealy. He held his ground in the pocket, made some incredible throws, and overall looked like he might have a shed of an idea of what he is doing. I'm not going out and buying a jersey yet, but at least this wasn't an Akili Smith debut. Also, after watching that replay of the Scott Chandler drop, am I the only one that thinks that was totally Scotty's fault and not overthrown? I mean I love me some Chandlaars, but it looks like he should have had it, right? Anybody? No? Well forget it then.
2. What the fuck secondary? I make you Number One on the terrifying list last week and then you defy all expectations and make yourself look like the best defensive unit on the field? Well gee-golly looks like I could be wrong about these guys. Then again, Cam Newton could torch them for 400 Sunday after he runs over them when the linebacker's inevitably fail to tackle him when he scrambles. Seriously, this unit deserves respect. Rogers, Robey, Brooks, and McKelvin? Sure, why not. Wait....what's that? Brooks is out with a foot injury again. #becauseitsbuffalo
3. I know he just got injured, but did you know when Marquise "Flash" Goodwin is back for a kick-off, the Ralph plays the Flash Gordon theme song by Queen?????? So awesome. The Yachtsman and I drunkenly lost our shit when that boomed through the PA. HURRY BACK SOON FLASH I LIKE THAT SONG AND WE NEED TOUCHDOWNS!
1. Stevie Johnson is not clutch. I love the guy, I really do. I have written on here and talked on podcasts endlessly about how fantastic that dude is. HOWEVER, I have also stayed on target that if he ever wants to get to the upper echelon of WR's in this league, the man needs to stop dropping passes....but wait not just regular passes....passes that could have a hand in determining the final fate of the game! Jesus what 's the deal Steven? You don't seem like a guy that gets the jitters, and fuck anyone who brings up you not working out in the off-season (including Chap & Poodle), that has nothing to do with hands. Just figure it out and catch a game winning touchdown soon because you and I both need it.
2. Um. C.J. Spiller. Huh? I can't believe I just typed that. I'm not going to jump off the deep end yet because it's only one game, but I thought C.J. would be the only guy to actually have a great game last week. I'm just going to keep praying it was an act of God and expect to have 200 total yards this week. (Sidenote: I almost put Fred Jackson's re-emergence and the fact that Marrone went with the hot hand as #3 on the exciting list, but holy crap I love that Flash song.)
3. Same old Bills. Let me re-iterate it. Top two DB's out against Tom Brady with no expectations for a close game. Close game yanks you right back in as Bills take control of second half. Team destroys your heart with yet another last second loss. Just enough good stuff happens to get fans excited for season's overall potential. You all know what comes next. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET ME INTRODUCE TO YOU 6 AND 10!!!! [lone man in Bills Mafia tee blames it on loss of Nick Barnett]
'On'n'On' (Ruined by Rick Rubin Remix) by Justice: The original song is also solid, but this re-mix is perfect driving to the stadium with your windows down awesome (although Yachtsman and I had other choices last week). I never heard of Justice until I stumbled upon a random remix playlist on Spotify, but since then this track has become one of my favorites.
Working Man - Rush: Heading down Abbott Road on our way to La Galleria, this is what you heard rocking from the Rav4. Rush is always great before games. Actually what the hell am I saying? Rush is great ANY TIME EVER. Weddings. Sweet Sixteens. Live births. Funerals. Court appearances. Always appropriate.
We have recently started working with the Gentleman who founded the Bills Mafia. Del has been a huge help with spreading the word for #SuppertSally. HOWEVER, I still hate the name and the copious amounts of mouthbreathers who rock the twibbon. I understand Del can't control the monster he created, but you better believe I'm still going to search that hashtag once a week and find a gem like the one below.
I'm hoping for a Panthers Mafia twibbon real soon.
On a serious note, last week I mentioned how Del from the Bills Mafia had been a huge help with spreading the word for #SupportSally. As it turns out, this Sunday he's having a tweet-up over by our old friend Kenny (aka Pinto Ron) and will be selling shirts for $10 with all proceeds going to Sally and the Kabel family. We can support this.
Also a reminder if you live in the NYC area, this Saturday 7-10 at McFadden's on 42nd & 2nd there will be a fundraiser for Sally with $40 open bar, food, and raffles (including a new 3D television) and another one Sunday during the Bills game. I don't know if there are any TV's being raffled that day but I did manage to get some cool stuff together from some Twitter folk, friends, and of course our own crappy DGWU shirts. They work amazing as dust rags!
Nickell Robey actually earned this award last week. Here's hoping the kid continues playing well in a banged up unit, but I still need a new choice for this, and I'm going with Chris Hogan. With Goodwin out for at least what appears to be a few games, I'd love to see Hogan running some crossing routes against a suspect Carolina secondary. On a side note, I never watched Hard Knocks because I was busy watching Family Matters re-runs, so I had no idea who Chris Hogan was entering this season.
Robert Woods is by no means away from this award yet. Sure, he had a TD catch, but it was his ONLY catch. I'll reserve judgment for awhile. *COUGH COUGH* JAMESHARDY *COUGH*
This week's pick is Cordy Glenn. Why? Because he has regressed mightily since the first game of last season. Why else? I'm wrong a whole lot and since he looked solid last week I'm hoping I can do some reverse voodoo and make sure he has a great year. Not even I can follow that last bit of logic, but screw off, this laptop sucks and I'm tired of writing.
I just watched The Empire Strikes Back the other day so I have no choice here but Billy Dee's favorite malt beverage. Colt 45. True story: I was once visiting my buddy (aka our sometimes draft specialist "The Wire") at college in Villanova and he sent his roommate out to get us beer for pre-gaming. He returned with a 30 rack of Old Milwaukee and Colt 45 each. I didn't even know they made Colt 45 in cans at the time. We then proceeded to play beer pong for several hours with the Colt 45. I may have thrown up that night before even getting drunk. Colt 45 tastes like cold, carbonated melted butter. And no, that is not delicious.
many of you know that we sometimes hang out with the guy that runs this website. Since he won't speak to us anymore, we had to reach out to his evil and insane Mexican Luchador cousin, El Greasico. We asked him to make a weekly NFL gambling pick. These are transcribed from voicemails he leaves us from a payphone. You're welcome.
Last week's El Greasico was apparently a bit much for some people. So since we love our readers so much, we invited him back anyways. This week he apparently is pissed off at one of his cousin's writers. Not sure why, because he seems like a good kid andI personally like his blog, but there is no holding back this high (low) flying mongrel.
Como Esta, BITCHES! It is El Greasico..the human sex trafficking, kiss stealing, lucha libre hombre from Mexico. So, the Bills fucken suck as usual which means Chubs is throwing down shots with Mike the Situation and Jeremy White on the jersey shore and Fatsman is fucking spewing political shit on Twitter that no one agrees with because Fastman is an all-around fucktard.
I've been instructed by Scizzy Scizzdeameanor to cut this down to a paragraph. Well, fuck you!! I do what I want. What are you gonna do if I make this into a 3 paragraph sonnet? Have the girl from "The Ring" who blogs for you come out of my computer Screen and make my face look permanently like Frank Gifaldidildo?
Speaking of dildos, how about that Fucken guy from that blog. What is this Pendjo's name? Jack in the box? Dick in the box? Hotbox? This fucken guy writes for my illegitimate, illiterate fuck face cousin at Buffalo Whines. Dick in the box has talent in comparison as he knows where to actually put a fucken period or comma in his sentences. However, Hotbox is still a part of the bucktooth virgins of the basement brigade which means he's a fucken dork.
This guy is so into hockey that he makes his girlfriend change her tampon after three periods instead of one.
He fucken cried like a little bitch when the Sabres revealed their 3rd jersey because he knew he wouldn't be able to replace his Christian Ruutuu jersey.
He also does a podcast called the masterbator or instigator with that fucken Tres Hombre En motherfucker, where it sounds like they are taping it at a fucken Mexican Jail. I would know.
On top of it, this fucker always blogs about some fucken Webster Cock Block place in Buffalo. Memo to Shitbox: BUFFALO WILL FUCK IT UP!!!
Now that I'm done with him, let's hit up Cake Fingers [KNOCK ON DOOR!!] "POLICE, OPEN UP!"
FEDERALI ARE HERE!! How did those bitches find me in this whore house? This Internet connection must be tapped. I gotta grab my gun for a Mexican standoff. Oh, here's my cock lock of the week:
Take the Jets and the points.
Crazy Drunken Story of the Week:
I may not include this every single week, but I hope I can get enough submissions from you monsters to fill the void. This one is from my bachelor party in May and no, it's not going to get me in trouble with my wife. This is one of the tamer events.
On our second of three nights out in Vegas, one of my best men, Brian, made us reservations for the Las Vegas
Hofbrauhaus. I highly recommend this place for any trip to Vegas, especially if you have a big group.
Since we had a group of 13 guys that night, it was destined to be pretty epic, especially since it was only the start of the night after a full day of drinking at the pool. We get to the place and are sat at a giant wooden table, with me, of course at the head. I'm immediately handed a large boot of beer. YES. Eventually the waitstaff brings out the REAL, much larger das boot of beer. MORE YES. After that the details get fuzzy, but here are the highlights:
-We continually start screaming "KING OF THE NORTH!!" and hammering our beers down against the table.
-At one point while some kind of contest is happening on a stage, I aimlessly wander on and start dancing....by myself. I was asked to please leave the stage.
-I ate my weight in bratwurst and still got hammered.
-After realizing we didn't have a ride booked back to the hotel, my NYC friends and I hailed a huge party bus in the middle of a four-lane boulevard. This is not an exaggeration. We flagged the guy down, ran into the street and asked him how much to bring us all back. I forgot the exact amount, but amazingly he agreed and only said "just give me a good tip I'm going that way anyway". Half the party was still stumbling out of the Hofbrauhaus so he just sat at a green light and waited. Naturally, once on board the Yachtsman smartly lights a cigarette that I drunkenly stomp out as to not destroy our ridiculous ride home. Bro's bein' Bro's.
-Finally, later that night after I went to the room to get ready I passed out, and when the guys tried to wake me, I bit Yachstman and Brian. I BIT THEM. WITH MY TEETH. I'm a special boy. But thank God they got me up, because we then stayed out until 5 am and I oddly remember all of it. But I'll save the rest of the night for another weekly entry. VEGAS BABY, VEGAS.
I included the only allowed photographic evidence below, wherein I look like a weird Alien and my friend Tom tries and fails to swing around a stripper pole in the party bus. We're comfortable with our sexuality, ya know?
Bills 34 - Panthers 23