In the Bizarro world of "Htrae" ("Earth" spelled backwards), society is ruled by the Bizarro Code which states "Us do opposite of all Earthly things! Us hate beauty! Us love ugliness! Is big crime to make anything perfect on Bizarro World!". In one episode, for example, a salesman is doing a brisk trade selling Bizarro bonds: "Guaranteed to lose money for you". Later, the mayor appoints Bizarro No. 1 to investigate a crime, "Because you are stupider than the entire Bizarro police force put together". This is intended and taken as a great compliment.
For those of you who are not gigantic nerds like all of the DGWU crew, the Bizarro world was created and continues to exist within DC comics. It was created in order to establish an odd unity of villains to battle Superman and countless other DC superheroes. Although the occasional story line would take a serious turn, it was usually used as comedic fodder in between battles with the likes of Lex Luthor and Brainiac. As the description reads, everything in Bizarro world is the opposite of Earth. Nothing makes sense.
Do you see where I am going with this??? Then click through and fall down this rabbit hole with me.
All of Buffalo sports have turned into Bizarro world. Bad has become good. Poor has become rich. The entire sports world suddenly knows we exist. I think the best way I can sum this up is a short text message I sent to the Yachtsman following Buffalo's comeback win over New England. It read: "I don't understand". That was the first thing I said after the win. I could barely celebrate, all I could do was look at the television with my mouth agape, trying to wrap my mind around the nonsense I was witnessing. That win does not happen in the real world. On the other hand, neither does an uber-rich fanboy buying his favorite team and doing everything in his power to make sure they win as many Stanley Cups as possible. I'm not sure when it happened, but if you connect the dots you can see that Bizarro world is suddenly very real, and has somehow infiltrated the Buffalo sports world as means to destroying the Earth. There is no other explanation. So, let me take this time to go over all of the facts.
-February 18th - A filthy rich businessman that most of us had never heard of, spends $189 million on purchasing our beloved Buffalo Sabres. He explains that he will do whatever it takes to win a Stanley Cup within three years and hypes the fact that he is a life long fan. The Sabres, already beginning to turn their season around, go on a ridiculous tear and eventually take the defending Eastern Conference champs to seven games, despite numerous injuries and shitty officiating. Even odder is the fact that most fans don't appear as near as upset as usual. They actually appear confident that the team will be better the following season and have no worries. Sabres fans with no worries? C'mon now.
-June 16th - Bloggers, a dirty word among most major sports franchises (and douche-bag "journalists"), are actually invited by Pegula and suave Sabres President Ted Black to the former HSBC arena for a tour of the facilities, a Q&A, and some lovely refreshments. It appears the "NEW" Sabres organization will be embracing blogs from this moment forward. I should have realized something was up at this point. DGWU was obviously left out, due to our hard hitting investigative journalism. If invited, we would have been onto their Bizarro plans much earlier. For shame to this guy. His nerd background should have come to this obvious conclusion months ago. Unless he is part of those plans! Hmmmmm....
-July 1st - After already puling off a phenomenal trade for rugged defenseman Robyn Regehr (a Bizarro twist on Regier?!?), the Sabres land what many believed was the top defenseman on the market, Christian Ehrhoff. His front loaded contract is one that Sabres fans would normally detest, if it was with a big market franchise. Instead, everybody embraces it and screams for even more talent. They follow this up by BRUTALLY OVERPAYING forward Ville Leino in order to make it known that they will not be left out of the hunt for a new #1 or 2 center. How is nobody else seeing this pattern of Bizarro activities? This is not normal and will not be accepted.
-July-Early September - It should also be noted that during this stretch, the Sabres "re-upped" with many of their top player and fan favorites. Drew Stafford was quickly locked up for market value, Nathan Gerbe avoided arbitration and was a steal at his price-tag, and Sekera, McCormick, Ellis, Enroth, Weber, and Gragnani were signed like it was no big thing thing but a chicken wing. Wait....why did I just use that awful line? I think they are in my head. I would never think that line was O.K. to use! ...I'm getting my protective helmet.
-September 10th - People start remembering there is another team in Buffalo, and they begin their season the following day. It becomes a perfect excuse to get drunk for the DGWU crew (like we need excuses), and although we will be cheering like maniacs, nothing more than a shellacking is expected.
-September 11th - The Bills, lead by the beard-o-rific Ryan Fitzpatrick, destroy the AFC West defending champions 41 - 7. The Yachtsman is sent into a fit of rage, solely based on the fact that he had forgotten how to celebrate Buffalo Bills blowouts....when they are on the winning end. It should also be noted that the top offensive players on the team are a journeyman QB from Harvard, a undrafted free agent RB from a ridiculously small Division III school, a 7th round pick WR, and a tight end that was scooped off of waivers that 99% of the NFL had no idea even existed. BIZARRO'S AMONG US!!!
-September 15th - Not to be out done. That crazy Pegula and "Nu-Darcy", aka "Bizarro Darcy", aka "Ycrad," re-sign stud blue-chipper Tyler Myers to a long term deal. This is the last main concern among Sabres fans who can now relax that all of the top tier players are locked up long term. This has NEVER happened in the history of Buffalo sports. NEVER.
-September 18th - The DGWU crew record the now not-so-famous "lost" podcast and every member (except Aps, who was presumed dead), still predict the Bills to lose despite the previous week's showing. There is no way it can happen again....until it happens again. The Bills come back from down 21-3 and shock the Oakland Raiders in front of an insane home crowd. Ryan Fitzpatrick is compared to JIM FUCKIN' KELLY, the following day on ESPN. I will now blame the Bills Mafia for ruining our podcast and corrupting the file. I can only assume they are part of the Bizarro conspiracy.
-September 24th - On a return trip to Buffalo, I watch the Sabres go to 4-0 in the preseason with dominating performances by Ryan Miller, Christian Ehrhoff, and the new fancy line of Stafford-Leino-Ennis. We are now hated by all other small market teams for the crazy spending, and hated by the big market teams for being cocky enough to think the Sabres will now compete with them. The Buffalo Sabres are the bad guys. Repeat that sentence out loud to yourself and honestly tell me that nothing is "up."
-September 25th - The following day at my brother-in-law's fantasy hockey draft, Ryan Miller goes second overall, Christian Ehrhoff is the 4th defenseman off the board, and Vanek, Roy, Leino, Ennis, Stafford, Myers, Pominville, Leopold, and even BRAD BOYES are drafted. It is a playoff deep league and people are considering the Sabres a deep playoff team. I should also mention that the Hockey News fantasy guide had Marc-Andre Gragnani listed as a top 10 rookie with an outside shot to win the Calder. This is not right. Clearly, something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
-September 25th - The same day, the Buffalo Bills stun the world by coming back AGAIN, this time down 21 - 0 to the powerhouse that is the New England Patriots. A shaky secondary (maybe the most questionable unit on the team) pick off Tom Brady four freakin' times en route to a victory NOBODY saw coming. After a Jets loss to Oakland, the Bills sit in first place atop the AFC East. The Bills GM is over 80, and although the coach claims to be 59, it is obvious he is not a day younger 95. In Bizarro world, 95 equals 59!
-September 29th - I wake up to a text from the Buffalo Bills that announces that Ryan Fitzpatrick is the AFC offensive player of the month. I turn on ESPN and see THREE separate stories about the Buffalo Bills. I read TWO different NHL previews that pick the Sabres to play Boston for the Eastern Conference title. And then, to top it all off, I see this:
The Bizarro's have decided to take over the world, and have somehow decided to begin their invasion by targeting Buffalo sports. I don't know how, and I don't know why. - although I have an odd feeling that Ted Black's wavy hair may hold the secret. Above all, I just want everybody to be careful for when the real invasion hits. The next thing you know, there will be a black president, soccer will be popular in the U.S., and teachers will be blamed for the nation's economic problems. Them am stupid! OH NO......