What Is And What Should Never Be

6/6/2011

Sick Jersey. Sick Do-Cut. Sick Sideburns. Terrible Town.

The Yachtsman

What a lovely couple of weeks we've had in the world of "du Hockey". The Jets are back, the Thrash are out, and Gary Bettman is getting his Southern Strategy forced right back down his throat. I'm super pumped about these recent developments. Hopefully the end game is the return of The Whale.

Mother of Christ Google Images is the greatest thing since vaccinations and drinkable water.

Seriously though, a fairly major wrong has been righted with the return of The Moose (nee Jet). As you all know, I am a fairly elitist Northeastern Hockey Fan. My stripes are evident, and they are as follows:
- If a Canadian Team is in the Stanley Cup Finals, I will root for said team unless they are playing my beloved Buffalo Sabres
- If the area in which your hockey team competes professionally has no snow, you and all of your ilk are undeserving of a hockey team
- Canada is the Rightful Birthplace of Hockey, and the Northeast and the State of Minnesota are where Hockey went to High School & College, respectively (capital letters....clearly I struggle With Them)
- If you have a Southern Accent, no matter how much Hockey knowledge you possess (even if you have more than me), I will always snootily look down upon you with disdain
- Somewhere high in the Canadian Rockies, giant awesome defenseman are forged and I want my entire team's blueline to be stocked with them........always!

Kootenay Ice Captain Brayden McNabb receives the Chynoweth Cup, breaks WHL suit's hand in the process.

With these borderline Hockey racist guidelines in mind, I shall now decree what I believe to be the best and worst places for NHL Hockey (BLANKET STATEMENTS AND OPINIONS ARE MY SPECIALTY. CONTINUE READING FOR MYOPIC IDIOCY & AD HOMINEM ATTACKS ON VARIOUS MUNICIPALITIES):

1.) Portland, Oregon: How the shyte does Portland NOT have a team yet? Are we seriously bandying about Kansas City & Las Vegas before we even consider the Pacific North West? I don't care about "growing the sport", I care about the sport not being embarrassed on National Television by showing empty arenas like Carolina, Atlanta, & Florida (seriously, throw all the stats you want at me....those arenas are empty...always. Watch a game.) Hockey is a sport that appeals to a select few people. You need a combination of shitty weather, plenty of cold, and a population that's just odd enough (read: Canadian) to really support the shit out of the squad and make it successful. From what I've read and heard about Portland, and seen with the Timbers and the Blazers, Portland is the place to be for the NHL. I mean shit the biggest bar downtown is the Spirit of 77, the last time the Blazers won the title (begrudging hat tip to Bill Simmons the Sports Douche for that tidbit). Portland Blades? Portland Ice Loggers? Portland Axe Men? Portland Chainsaws? THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS.

-1.) Sunrise, Florida: What does Sun do to Ice? Melts it. What does the State of Florida do to Professional Sports? Kills it. That simile (not the right word) is outlandishly stretched reasoning enough for me to confidently declare the Florida Panthers to be utterly useless in the NHL. They took a fairly stacked expansion squad to the finals in '96, and now nobody cares about them. Seriously, the only time you hear about the Panthers is when one of their rare good players is leaving in Free Agency/is on the trading block. Never do you hear "watch out for the Panthers!" If you do hear that, you are clearly in the wilderness and are in grave danger. FYI get the shit out of there before you are eaten.

That panther looks confused. Guarantee you someone is holding a giant slab of meat just off camera.

2.) Toronto, Ontario: BBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLASPPPPPPPHEMERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! Grow up, kids. This shit isn't about growing the sport or yankee fan bases anymore. With the new CBA, this is about everyone generating as much revenue as they possibly can and sharing it amongst themselves to make Hockey viable. This isn't a long play for the league, this is the only play. Everyone has to make money.......yesterday. Quickest way to do that is put another squad in Metro Toronto. The Leafs have been ABHORRENT this decade, yet they still have a 17+ year waiting list for the Platinum section and tickets are fucking retarded expensive/impossible to obtain even when they are 600 points out of a playoff spot. If you threw another team into the mix, it would only generate more dough. Corporate boxes would sell out in approximately 7 minutes. Call them the Marlies. And it gives us Buffalo fans yet more Hate Fuel for the Haterade Tank.

-2.) Raleigh-Durham, North Carolina: I know, all you Buffalo Ex-Pats down there....you all love your Good Ole Boy Hockey. Guess what? I hate you. All of you. Your weather is better, your BBQ is better, and your economy is better. Upon that principle alone I should revoke your hockey team. But there are valid reasons for you douchejuices losing your hockey squad: You. Won. Our. Cup. Seriously that shit should have been ours if not for a scarlet fever/typhoid breakout among the Buffalo Sabres Defensive Corps of 05/06. So that was fairly recent. And yet you still face empty arenas. YES ALL OF YOU NAYSAYERS IF YOU HAVE A TEAM YOU SHOULD FOLLOW IT REGARDLESS OF THE RECORD. SHOW UP, CHEER, THEN BLOG HATRED LATER. DON'T JUST NOT SHOW UP AT ALL. Seriously, go eff yourselves, Canes. You let a team 100,000 miles north of you (geography expert) own your arena twice a year. Ridiculous. Go away.

Yes, North Carolinians....I equate you with mongoloid West Virginian banjo players. Only with reference to hockey, though. Everything else you're A-Okay!

3.) Seattle, Washington: Another no-brainer for the league. Another bomb-ass PNW Timber Town, but with even more population and a history of boss music (see: Sub Pop Records, early 90s). Best part? You have a huge populace yearning for a team after the void left by the Sonics (seriously, how the FUCK does the NBA let the Sonics get stolen? Way to go Stern...you are clearly the Lucky Pierre between all the owners). Best part of this situation is that if you place a team in Seattle, you already have a Flames - Oilers / Sabres - Leafs / Rangers - Flyers / Bruins - Canadiens geographic rivalry going with Vancouver. IT WILL BE CALLED THE BATTLE OF PUGET SOUND. OF COURSE. HOW HAS NOBODY SEEN THIS!? I'm convincing myself more and more as I write this. I should have put this at number one above Portland, but I'm far too technologically challenged to figure out how to cut and paste at this late hour (read: lazy). Gary Bettman.....you are the poorest commissioner among the poorest commissioner lineup in pro sports history.

-3.) Glendale, Arizona: Many negative things can be written about this area. Crashing economy, shitty attendance, shittier viewership, Janet Gretzky's gambling addiction, $25 Million dollars in losses the "City" of Glendale is on the hook for, that fucking nutbag Governor, actual douchey Arizonans, their logo, their first jerseys, the near-destruction of The Great One's legacy....I could go on and on. Unfortunately, one knock trumps all the previous points by a billion: THE GODDAMN TEAM IS LOCATED IN THE GODDAMN DESERT. NO HOCKEY IN THE DESERT. FINAL ANSWER. YOU LOSE. MOVE ON.

Well this doesn't look like a logical place for ice hockey now does it.

4.) Quebec City, Quebec: We all know the 'Diques rolled during our youths. Their move might have been the worst all time zero-to-hero move ever: build the Sakic/Forsberg/Deadmarsh/Foote squad, lose the team, watch the team win a cup in Denver the following year. Holy Christ if that happens with this Bills squad, I'll be on suicide watch for at least two years. Seriously though, I would love to see the 'Diques back in Quebec. For one, I would finally like someone to explain to me exactly what a Nordique is. I am a native French speaker and I can't tell what the shit those French Canadians are saying. Ever. Also, every 3rd player in the National Hockey league is a French Canadian with a super girly name (my name, for example) and nasty sniping skills. The idea that Florida gets two squads while the province that produces half of Hockey Canada's team gets one is befuddling at best. Besides, any additional Canadian teams is only good for Hockey.

-4.) Columbus, Ohio: Aside from the entire state, Ohioans, the stupid fucking State University, and the idea that this town and her statewide brethren are why we're fighting two endless wars and have national debt up to our eyeballs and rent our collective refrigerator from the Chinese, I don't particularly have a problem with Columbus or Ohio. That being said, all of those reasons plus they have Rick Nash and we don't are reason enough for them not to have a team. THANK YOU FOR VOTING STUPID MY FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE, ASS HATS. YOU SHOULD ALL HAVE YOUR VOTING RIGHTS REVOKED FOR THREE ELECTION CYCLES. ALSO JOHN BOEHNER TANS AND CRIES. A BUNCH. (Like I said, Ad Hominem)

This combo upsets my communist sensibilities. But not nearly as much as GWB's horrid belt selection.

5.) Hamilton, Ontario: BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLLASSSSSSSSSPPPPPHHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMERRRRRRRRR PART TWO! Southern Ontario is growing. Hockey is firmly ensconced in that market as the number one sport by a billion, with not a threat of anything else to distract them (come on, the Bills? Seriously? With a collective 3-157 record for the '00s, I'm not worried about "market share" here). The only thing funnier than watching Jim Balsillie stumble through trying to throw his money around the NHL would be watching the Hamilton Bulldogs get slapped around the Northeast Division by Tyler Myers and Ryan Miller for the next ten years. We need another local rival to slap around, and Hamilton is the perfect 1B to Toronto's 1A. Also, with a team within spitting distance of Buffalo, it increases the chances that someone in Buffalo puts on their smart pants and reboots the Empire Network. Death to MSG and Al Trautweg!

-5.) Uniondale, New York: Holy shit. I realize Nassau County has an agreement in principle with billionaire crybaby Charles Wang to build a new stadium. If I were a Long Islander, I would be FURIOUS at this, considering they'll be throwing Nassau County Tax $$ to Charles Wang, he of the 15-year-contract-to-Rick-DiPietro approval. Also, Nassau County may be the most depressing place on earth. Imagine a shitty Billy Joel song on loop, forever. This is the worst fan experience in sports, by far. Living dangerously close to this area, we at DGWU have all had the unpleasant opportunity to attend a match at this arena, and heavens to betsy it's like stepping on a turd and calling it hockey. Think the old Aud with all of the bad and none of the charm. But worse looking. And more depressing. Actually, think of the Aud when it was being demolished, and you have an idea as to what Nassau Coliseum is like when it's fully operational. Add the shittiest management team in all of hockey and you have the worst hockey market in the Northeast if not the East Coast. I think their average attendance last year was -3,231. Seriously you couldn't pay me to go back there. And apparently you can't pay the actual fans of the team either.