Hey friends, remember me? I'm that asshole who use to start fights with rapey-faced Buffalo News reporters and occasionally try to stay positive about the Buffalo whoseitwhatsits. That's right, the Scizz is back in action in honor of the 2014 Winter Olympics in....Sochi? Sochi? What the fuck is a Sochi? It sounds like a bacteria you test positive for after a night with Jeremy White.
But that is just one of the many reasons I'm here today. Russia sucks. This is obvious to anyone except a very small percentage of actual Russians. It is the massive asshole of the world, coming in slightly below Sudan and slightly above Jacksonville. Tomorrow morning I will be jaunting off to Manhattan to watch our USA men's hockey team take on the robots of Russia, and I need to take this moment to make it clear that Russia is awful. Will this jinx us? Maybe, but Russia still sucks. Enjoy my list of stuff and reason and things in no particular order!
- They have open-minded thinking worst than the deep south....except for it is cold as fuck there.
- It took Rocky Balboa to end communism.
- Those rapey Russian fraternities that anyone who went to a SUNY school knows about.
- Die hard 5
- Russian women minus Maria Sharapova.
- YOU HAVE WILD DOGS EVERYWHERE JESUS CHRIST GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER
- And you think WE don't care about our own people?????
- Russian strippers that never leave you alone in the strip club....you know what I'm talking about.
- Ralph Wilson Jr. (Don't think about it just accept it)
- The language sounds like two Orcs repeatedly having sex.
- Birdman > AK47
- Russians in New York never got the heavy over use of cheap (any) cologne memo.
- Too many riots. Not enough pussy.
There are a million other reasons but I'm tired and I only had 14 minutes to write this. Enjoy the game tomorrow and follow me @TheScizz so you can witness me live-tweet the game from a bar at 7:30 am tomorrow. I'm a prize.
Leave your other Russia Sucks facts below or tweet me. #WhyRussiaSucks