Welcome to the DGWUS Live blog of the 2009 NFL Draft. We will have some analysis, witty banter, and plenty of poop jokes. The Yachtsman, the Scizz, and maybe some special guests.
3:47 Scizz: New Orleans is leading Denver. Wait, what?
4:02 Yachtsman: Matthew Stafford and the rest of the backroom crew at the NFL Draft are the luckiest men alive... and not due to the absurd amounts of guaranteed money they'll be receiving this year. They're lucky because of her:
4:03 Yachtsman: Chris Berman is sweatily introducing Roger Goodell, who looks like he just finished a marathon session of bondage sex... or he's just exhausted... and the Lions select Matthew Stafford... WOW. SHOCKER. Are Stafford's hands too small? Cue up only deep ball clip they've shown all week...
Welcome to football hell, Matt.
p.s. He's trying his damndest not to stare at Erin Andrew's boobs right now. Fact.
4:18 Scizz: Drinking Game Idea = Every time you see a draftee on a cell phone, take a drink. By 4:57, you'll know what Joe Namath feels like on an average weekday afternoon.
4:20 Yachtsman: You know you don't want to draft a guy who's Draft Day clip on ESPN is of the other team gaining 20 yards... welcome to the NFL, any Michigan Player.
4:23 Yachtsman: Hey ESPN, way to throw new analyst "Play To Win The Game" Herm Edwards under the bus in his first draft.. try NOT to do a split screen of the Chief's last in every category stat sheet when he's talking.
4:26 Scizz: Aaaaaand Pioli drafts Tyson Jackson, DE, LSU. A guy that was projected to go mid-round. HE PLAYS TO WIN 5 GAMES!!! MAYBE 6!!!
4:29 Yachtsman: Big Ups to the KC Chiefs for providing me with my first "Thank God I'm Not A (insert team name here) Fan" moment. Apparently the Chiefs love overhyped and overvalued LSU D-Linemen. Enjoy signing their paychecks, Lamar Hunt Jr.
4:34 Yachtsman: Aaron Curry, drafted. Seahawks. My draft is over. He's crying. He wrote an article on SI.com today. He makes a seafoam green hat look good. He is the man. No more fun for me this draft. On to battling depression 'Nard-dog style.
Scizz: I agree, the guy is a monster! And not the kind of monster that has to go door-to-door to tell you that he has just moved into your neighborhood.
4:41 Yachtsman: Mark Sanchez... Jets... all I can say is I hope the balcony at Radio City collapses.
4:44 Scizz: Fuck. Not only is Mark Sanchez a Jet, but this is his girlfriend. Again, I say fuck.
5:17 Yachtsman: Future DGWU Contributor BREEZY just rolled out of his room rocking Bills Zubaz pantaloons. Clutch Award recipient. One more fucking pick until the Bills! Scizz says Crabtree, I say Orakpo. We'll see what happens. Come on baby.
p.s. WTF is with the landlines this year!?!?!? Landlines?!?! Really!?!? Al Davis must have had a hand in this somehow...
5:22 Yachtsman: Crabtree to Niners. THIS SHOULD TAKE NO LONGER THAN THREE MINUTES.......BRIAN ORAKPO, DE, TEXAS. LET'S FUCKING GO, RUSS.
sidenote: Crabtree has fantastic teeth. Just saying.
sidenote II: Scizz can't even type in anticipation. OH MY GOD, I LOVE ORAKPO. PLEASE LORD. PLEASE SWEET MOTHER MARY.
5:26 Yachtsman: What a joke. What a total joke. 4.78 40 time. Scizz ran that yesterday. This is awful. Please refer to my Draft Downside Dance Party for more thoughts on Maybin. Augh. At least it wasn't a Tight End. Let the Apologists commence!
5:31 Scizz: The draft party room here in Queens is not happy. Also, the Scizzette will be here soon and she went to Penn State. At least one person here will be excited.
5:34 Yachtsman: Knowshon Moreno is easily my favorite pick this draft simply because he was playing spades when the ESPN cameras were trained on him. Amazing. Also, update... Moreno to Denver.
5:39 Yachtsman: Even Dan Snyder is smarter than Russ Brandon/Tom Modrak/John Guy/Dick Jauron... Skins pick Orakpo. As the ladies say, "voms".
5:43 Scizz: At #14, the Saints take Malcolm Jenkins. I love this pick and truly think he could be a shut down corner. K-Crew sitting next to me thinks "Malcolm" sounds like something you take for loose-bowels. YES! POOP JOKE!
5:49 Yachtsman: GRIEVANCE BREAK UNTIL LATE FIRST ROUND. WE'RE LOW ON ENTHUSIASM FOR LIVE BLOGGING AFTER THE AWFUL AWFUL BILLS PICK. WHAT A NIGHTMARE.
6:01 Scizz: Bucs trade up to take Josh Freeman. Todd McShay just gave it a D grade. I give McShay an F grade on life. I hate you Todd McShay. I hate you so very much. I have decided to blame everything on you from here on out. Why? Because its convenient, Todd. You ass-clown.
6:16 Yachtsman: You know what's awful? Chris Mortensen's irresponsible reporting. I can't believe this schmuck has been the face of NFL Reporting for ESPN the past several years.
6:24 Scizz: Can you sense the level of anger in this room right now? We are doing our best to calm down, I promise. BUT, both Pettigrew and Alex Mack are off the board... shit.
Sidenote: As the Vikings drafted Percy Harvin, I was picturing ESPN wanting to cut to him, but he was lighting up a giant bong, Michael Phelps-style.
6:33 Yachtsman: Patriots are up next. Wait, they just traded the pick to the Ravens. By the "Belichick Transitive Property", whoever the Ravens pick will be a disappointment and a potential criminal, and whoever the Patriots pick will be a perennial Pro Bowler who was originally predicted to be a 3rd rounder. Awesome. I hate you, Belichick. You've ruined my life.
6:37 Yachtsman: Ravens draft Michael Oher at 24. Good for him.
6:40 Yachtsman: Oher may be a feel good story, but our starting RT has a cooler sob story.
6:43 Yachtsman: Douchephins on the clock! Hopefully, they'll top this great moment in NFL draft history. It's incredible how quickly a promising career such as Cam Cameron's can be dashed in a single sunny Miami minute.
6:48 Scizz: Douchephins select Illinois CB Vontae Davis. Before today, I had no opinion on Vontae Davis. Now, I despise you Vontae Davis. I despise you with every ounce of my soul. Also, why are Vontae and his family celebrating in an elevator?
7:00 Yachtsman: Colts draft Haseem Thabeet Donald Brown of UConn. Uhhhhh, okay. Bills draft next. Several players available. Beanie Wells, Maueuauealauagua, Everett Brown... and the third member of Legion of Doom, Jimmy Laurainitis.
7:09 Scizz: Bills draft... Eric Wood?! We like this pick here at DGWUSports. He looks like a monster, plays like a monster, and probably eats like a monster. Centers in the first round are iffy, but we damn well need a Center. I'll take it. Also, we like it because he looks like former DGWUSports croney Mike "Wildman" Ludders.
[Editor's Note: At this point, something went awry and Scizz & Yachter were forced to begin a new post. You can enjoy that by clicking here.]