Yesterday after posting my ode to NASCAR which included a very detailed preview of all the three and four car teams in the series, the Yachtsman blog-bombs me by tossing up a post immediately after. DAMMIT, THE SEVENTEEN PEOPLE WHO LIKE NASCAR AND READ THIS SITE DESERVE MORE RESPECT!!! /shot guns beer. //punches family member.
It's totally cool though. I get it. NASCAR is the uneducated, racist hick of the sports world, and I will never expect anybody to understand why I love it. But I have a blog, and I'm going to write about it all I want! (Said in very whiny voice). So strap in, strap on (wha?), and get ready for some racin'! Here is part two of a Redneck Jamboree, taking a look at all of the two car race teams, and those poor souls who only run one car. "READ MORE" to be knowledgified, college boy!
Two Car Teams
#14 Tony Stewart -1st in Points (Office Depot, Mobile, Burger King) – 5 wins/AvFn:12.0
#12 Ryan Newman – 10th in points (U.S. Army/Quicken Loans/Outback) – 1 win/AvFn:14.0
PART-TIME TEAM - #10 Danica Patrick (GoDaddy.com) – N/A
The defending champion Tony Stewart returns to make a run at back-to-back championships, and seeing the way he finished 2011, he definitely has a shot at doing it. If only his nickname “Smoke” could disappear. There may be no nickname in any sport that I detest more than that. It’s just dumb. I think of the moronic smoke monster from Lost every time I hear it, and that definitely does not help the situation, DAMON LINDELOF!!!
Anyways, besides making a run for another cup, Stewart Haas racing also has Chase qualifier Ryan Newman returning. This leads to me next big prediction, which is that Newman will have a top five season and contend for the title. I have nothing to base this on, except that Stewart cares just as much about getting the #39 car to be successful as his own, and now that he has yet another title, why not push his partner in crime to the front of the pack. Just watch it happen.
The other story here is that some chick named Danica will be driving 10 races for the team this season. Apparently she’s kind of cute, has had some past success in open wheel racing, and makes the world’s worst commercials for a company that I think sells jerk-off rags for teenage boys. I could be wrong.
#2 Brad Keselowski – 5th in points (Miller Lite) – 3 wins/AvFn:14.8
#22 A.J Allmendinger – 15th in points (Shell-Pennzoil/AAA) – 0 wins/AvFn:16.1
Last season, Brad Keselowski emerged as a contender for the championship and found victory lane three times. His “I don’t give a fuck” attitude and string of incredible finishes propelled him into the Chase, and had several “experts” picking him to win at all. Slow down fella’s, the kid’s still got a lot to learn….like getting some work done on that monster overbite. A Trevor Bayne smile he has not.
Keselowski returns this season as the top man at Penske racing, after other shithead Busch, Kurt got himself in trouble for going on constant tirades against both his crew members and reporters. The blue Miller Lite deuce leads the way with newcomer A.J. Allmendinger, who left Richard Petty for this top ride among another legendary owner, Penske, and top dollar sponsorship from Shell-Pennzoil. Allmendinger finished 15th in points with only one top 5, but his consistency inside the top 20 drove that AvFn up and put him in line as the number one free agent for what many considered the top ride available. A.J. puts a car in the winner’s circle this season for the first time, and hangs around that last spot for Chase.
#9 Marcos Ambrose – 19th in points – (Stanley Tools/Dewalt) – 1 win/AvFn:18.3
#43 Aric Almirola – N/A – (Smithfield/STP) – N/A
It has not been an ideal off-season for the all-time leader in NASCAR wins and championships. After cutting the team back from four to two cars last season, things had started to look up. As mentioned before, A.J. Allmendinger in the #43 was driving well and always looked competitive, and Tasmanian Marcos Ambrose not only drove to his first career victory at Watkins Glen, he also drove the car much better on short tracks and super speedways on his way to five top 5’s and twelve top 10’s. However, after Best Buy sponsorship jumped ship to Roush Racing, Allmendinger was free to leave and latched onto Penske Racing, leaving a huge hole in Petty’s marquee #43. After rumors persisted that either the recently fired Kurt Busch would take over the ride, or the recently jobless David Ragan, RPM threw everybody a curve ball and hired former cup driver, and current Nationwide driver Aric Almirola. Almirola had made spot starts over the last few seasons for several different teams, but had never had the opportunity to drive an entire Sprint Cup season. The year before, Almirola drove a car for Petty at the end of the year and picked up a top 5 finish, and apparently the King saw something in the kid and hired him for the Big 4-3. Sponsorship followed days later, but now the #9 and Marcos Ambrose become the number one team at Petty. Could be a step forward, but more likely it may be a huge step back.
#42 Juan Pablo Montoya – 21st in points (Target) – 0 wins/AvFn:18.5
#1 Jamie McMurray – 27th in points (Bass Pro Shop/McDonald’s/Belkin) – 0 wins/AvFn:22.2
What a shitty year for these guys. Three seasons ago, Montoya makes the chase and finishes 8th in points. The following year the two drivers combine for 4 wins and fifteen top 5’s. Last season, both drivers finishes outside the top 20 in points and combine for ONLY FOUR, LOUSY TOP 5 FINISHES. Ouch. It doesn’t help that McMurray has been cast off from almost every other team he has driven for, and Montoya is the one of the most disliked drivers in the sport. Which, by the way, is 100% based on the color of his skin. Spare me the bullshit that he is a dirty driver and rubs other drivers the wrong way. The only thing rubbing those good ole’ boys the wrong way is that he isn’t pumping their gas and cleaning their windshields. Fucking rednecks. The South will rise again my ass. Learn to read and stop voting for blatant racists like Gingrich and Santorum and then the east coast MIGHT pretend to consider you a functioning part of this country.
Other two car teams:
Front Row Motorsports – Ford
#34 David Ragan – 23rd in points (Taco Bell/A&W/TBA) – 1 win/AvFn:19.2
#38 David Gilliland – 30th in points (Modspace/Long John Silver’s/TBA) – 0 wins/AvFn:28.2
Tommy Baldwin Racing - Chevrolet
#10 David Reutimann – 28th in points (Accell Construction/TBA) – 0 wins/AvFn:22.3
#36 Dave Blaney – 32nd in points (Ollie's Bargain Outlet) – 0 wins/AvFn:29.7
Single Car Teams
#51 Kurt Busch – 11th in points (TBA) – 2 wins/AvFn:14.6
Kurt is a past series champion who performs consistently in the top 10, and easily qualified for the Chase for the cup lasT season. So why is he driving for A struggling one car team that barely gets sponsorship and only has one career victory in over 10 years of racing? It could be the fact that he drives reckless and often takes out his competitors in a very dangerous manner. It might be that he was on the radio several times last year, openly calling out his crew and owner, saying that his car was a “piece of shit”. Or very possibly, it could because on a few occasions last year, he almost came to blows with several race-track reporters, most notably, the well-known AND liked Dr. Jerry Punch. Bottom line, no matter what kind of talent he has, he’s a giant asshole who causes a cancer among his team and teammates. He is the Albert Haynesworth of NASCAR.
Furniture Row Racing – Chevrolet
#78 Regan Smith – 26th in points (Furniture Row/Farm Bureau) – 1 win/AvFn:21.5
Regan had a break out year in 2011 and not only picked up his first series victory, but also ran up front in every single restrictor plate track. I like this guy. He has never been given a fair chance in the series, and driving for a one car team is not the easiest thing to do, as resources tend to be scarce. I fully expect Regan to jump up a notch again this season and push as a top 15 points car, especially since he will be pairing up with the above douche-bag Busch for major races. That type of experience may be enough to push him to the next tier of the series. As long as Busch doesn’t “mistakenly” break his neck before race number five.
There are other single car teams out there, such as former champion Bobby Labonte at JTG racing, Casey Mears at Germain racing, and youngster Landon Cassill driving for the brand new BK racing, but none of them will likely turn any heads or visit the winner circle. Then again, nobody expected part-time rookie Trevor Bayne to upset the field last year and win the big one, so what the fuck do I know?
There you have it. If you stuck with me this long, then you are either a true NASCAR fan or total masochist. Either way, you are a perfect follower for the Deeg. Enjoy the Budweiser shootout this weekend (Think pre-season all-star race), and catch front row qualifying on Sunday. And as always follow @TheScizz on twitter during many NASCAR events for witty comments, dick jokes, and unprecedented ragestorms.