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Drunken Musings on Sabres Thievery & Habitant Inadequacy

10/19/2011

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Ryan Miller: arraigned on charges of grand larceny this morning. That French-Canadian justice system is a bitch.

The Barrister

I really should stop drinking so much on nights when I'm on game recap duty. Yet, even with the three shots of Jameson - one, inexplicably, in celebration/mourning for Raphael Diaz'  first NHL goal - and four tall boys of Labatt Blue, the message of the Sabres victory over the Canadiens was not hard to see.

Ryan Miller is good at hockey.

One of the things that we fans often get hung up on after a bad Sabres loss over the past few years is the need for Miller to steal games. Often, after a tight game where the offense struggles to get going and Miller lets in a couple of softies, we hear a chorus of criticisms directed towards #30 as people question whether he is the real deal, whether he''ll ever regain that Olympic form, and whether this team can possibly win a Cup with him playing potentially human - as opposed to superhuman - hockey.   While I think there is certainly merit in the discussion that follows some particularly disappointing games - last Friday's against Carolina, for instance - I tend to be pretty frustrated with such rash criticisms of Miller because such arguments appear to blatantly disregard performances like the one we just saw.

Like the Carolina game, this was not a game the Sabres deserved to win. However, for whatever reason, Miller's game was elevated to a second gear and the team was able to ride his coattails. His 40 saves on the night, 14 of which were in the first period while the Sabres could only muster 3 shots in response, were the reason why the Sabres won tonight. Where Friday's game saw him exposed by pretty unstoppable scoring chances, tonight's game saw him in complete and utter control. And, where Friday's game was begging for him to lock it in and create just a little breathing room for the offense to finally find its legs and toss a couple pucks in the net, tonight's game included just that - a Ryan Miller performance that keeps the Sabres in it, despite the fact that they look sluggish and uninspired and outmatched by an arguably weaker opponent. Eventually and perhaps unsurprisingly, with as much talent as this Sabres team has, the tying and go-ahead goals came and Miller's herculean effort was rewarded by the "just enough" production of the skaters in front of him.

Maybe it's the booze, combined with my adoration for Miller generally, but - conceding that we do get maddening and disappointing nights from Miller sometimes - it seems like we get the superhuman, game-stealing (or at least game-preserving) version of #30 way more often than some fans give him credit for.

It's for that reason, particularly as we trudge through these opening weeks of the season, still so far from the games that really matter, that I have a lot of faith in where this team can go...and specifically where Miller can take them.

But, enough about my man crush on the lanky and semi-awkward-looking gentleman from Michigan. Other things I noticed between the Jameo shots and checking in on the progress of the #ParlezVousMyBallsYouFrenchBitches hashtag on Twitter::
  • The team looked fucking awful in the first period, and it seemed that many of those mistakes were in execution, rather than decision-making. This may be insignificant in the end - mistakes are mistakes, after all - but I gotta think that mistakes in execution can actually be more frustrating for the players on the ice, since the players are "doing the right things" but are still finding a way to fuck up. Take, for example, Tyler Myers' slip behind Miller's net and subsequent giveaway-leading-to-Habs-scoring-chance (inappropriate hyphenization!). You can't say that Myers made a bad choice or decision...he just fucking fell. Maybe you can call it a mental error in some sense, though I really don't expect Myers to be thinking much at that moment - I only expect him to be skating without falling on his face. Either way, with all of those "oops, we look like a crappy ECHL team" moments from the first period, it was good to see the guys generally keep their wits about them and battle through the bad play.
  • I enjoy fighting in hockey because of nights just like this. Cody McCormick's second period spat with Moen was the quintessential momentum-shifter, and was probably the second most important part of the game apart from Miller's play. As I briefly discussed with a few guys on Twitter last night, I concede that there is a side of fighting that makes me pretty conflicted about the larger question of its role in the sport. I also think it goes without saying that there are nights when a hockey fight has no effect on the outcome of a game and when the desired impact on momentum simply isn't felt. Yet, I think the same can be easily said about bone-crushing hits which arguably carry more potential for injury and are often used as a way to get a game's momentum shifting the other way. Hockey is a violent and beautiful sport, and the successful teams find the right balance - a balance that helps them win - between the violence and the beauty.  Is fighting sometimes stupid? Sure, but - for me - that doesn't mean it doesn't have a place in the sport. It only means that teams need to pick their spots, as with all facets of their game, to figure out how a well-timed fight can have a positive impact on getting two points.
  • Because we need to recognize it even when the Sabres win... that game had some awful, one-sided officiating. At least two of the five Sabres penalties were phantom calls, which were made particularly infuriating by the chippy shit the refs were letting slide from the Habs. With the atmosphere at the Bell Centre,  and the apparent effect on the be-striped queefs on skates, I think it's probably fair to say that the Canadiens routinely have a significant home-ice advantage that extends to how their games are called.
  • This is not a game note so much as a New York City note... but God Bless Kelly's Sports Bar. For the unacquainted, Kelly's is a Bills & Sabres bar on the Lower East Side of Manhattan (also catering to Cubs, Gators and Tottenham fans) which offers buckets of tallboy cans of Labatt Blue. I know that Scizz has written about the fan experience in NYC before, and particularly about how the available gameday options make it easier to stay in a city so far removed from Buffalo and its teams, so I won't overstate the theme here. Needless to say, last night was yet another example, and it was nice to see so many supporters make it out to the bar so early in the season.
  • We're all agreed that we can stop griping about Thomas Vanek, right? I mean, I personally gave up on it a couple seasons ago, but the rest of you have caught up by now, correct? Good, because the next person I see or hear bash Vanek is getting verbally undressed. For all the pining that fans still do for Drury and the golden age of post-lockout Sabres hockey, Vanek has developed into as consistently dominant player as you can hope for in a Sabres uniform. Before our eyes, this guy is showing us that the real golden age is now.  4 goals, 4 assists in 5 games is simply absurd. 
  • For the record, you can all gripe about Derek Roy if you so choose. The stats don't really support it - a goal and three assists, with a +4, is just fine I guess - but, with the exception of the Carolina game, he's seemed pretty absent to my untrained and drunken eyes. I'd love to see him step it up a little over the coming weeks. Four shots on goal through five games is not going to get it done.
Next game is Thursday night in Florida as the Sabres play the Panthers. The Cats have been playing some decent hockey this season, including the strong 7 goal showing against Tampa Bay on Monday night, so I really do hope that the Sabres can give Miller a little more goal support in Sunrise. It looks like the Deeg may be out in force again on Thursday night, as Yachtsman will be free of Hanson-related commitments, so be sure to check back later in the week for more Sabres-related posts from as-of-yet-undetermined members of the DGWU Crew.

In the meantime, enjoy my embedding skills (cut & paste, bitches!) and the highlights from last night, in case you missed them and don't know how to type nhl.com in your browser.

Follow me on Twitter. And check the whole DGWU Sports Crew as well.
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The Fitzmagicial Season Hits A Snag, But It's Far From Over

10/17/2011

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The Apologist

Yesterday was a tough pill to swallow. But it's hard to say it was unexpected.

There was a lot of talk last week about how good the Giants have been in the Tom Coughlin era at bouncing back from losses. But there was plenty of reason to believe the Bills would enter their bye week at 5-1.

The defense, which led the league in takeaways, was up against an offense with nine turnovers in their first five games. And with Fitzmagic leading the offense, no team seemed unbeatable.

So it’s hard not to look at yesterday’s sloppy road loss, much like their other loss to Cincy, as both a missed opportunity and a harsh wake-up call.

I think we can all agree that entering the bye week at 4-2 is hard to get too disappointed about. This time last year, the Bills were coming out of their bye week at 0-5 and wouldn’t get their first win for four more weeks. So to say that the Bills haven’t been good enough in the first quarter of the season would be unfair and just flat-out stupid.

Still, I think we’d also agree that the Bills got exposed yesterday. The depth that worried many of us at the start of the season (Of course, when was the last time that wasn’t a concern?) reared its ugly head, particularly on the defensive side of the ball.
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The front seven, missing Shawn Merriman & Kyle Williams, was marginalized in every facet. They couldn’t stop Ahmad Bradshaw and they couldn’t get to Eli Manning, a QB well known for his struggles under pressure. And the secondary, which seems to thin out every year around November, was a glaring problem. McGee did his best coming off of injury, but Eli missed a few throws where he had been burned badly. And Drayton Florence tried to hold his own against one of the deeper receiving corps. in the league, but there’s a reason he’s been ranked below McKelvin on the depth chart.

To be fair, overall, I thought the defense really battled. We know they’re undermanned. I think all Bills fans know in their heart of hearts that despite our denial, the takeaways over the last 6 weeks have masked a defense desperately lacking in the talent department. But while Florence’s pass interference penalties really hurt, the last one only led to a field goal, which the Giants were already in range for. The offense got the ball back with a little over 1:30 and a timeout. Plenty of time to march down and at least tie the game. Sadly, Fitzpatrick, who certainly had his struggles, could only muster a feeble 4-and-out to end the game.

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Which brings us to the offense’s hand in this loss. They started out fast with two huge touchdown plays. But further injuries to the offensive line lead to the most pressure Fitzpatrick has seen since the Bills’ loss to the equally adept pash-rush in Cincy. And like in Cincy, Fitz was less than himself in the face of that pressure. The two throws that became interceptions are passes we’ve seen completed in recent weeks. And if Fitz & Co. want to punch their ticket to the playoffs this year, I’m sure they know that they’ll have to win games where their QB is getting knocked around a bit.

Still, being the Apologist that I am in moniker and interpreter of such games, it’s not hard for me to get over this loss.

For all their miscues yesterday, the Bills lost a tough game against a 4-2 team by only 3 points. If the Bills could’ve taken back just a couple of those mistakes yesterday, particularly the final interception, that might’ve been enough to get out of New Jersey with another win. But that’s life in the NFL. No one on the other sideline cares what you’ve done with your season so far and they always have a chance of getting the best of you.

And you have to say this for the Bills. They’re taking this loss square on the chin with their heads held high. The two easiest targets for criticism stood front and center to face the music.

"I take the blame for the loss, if you want to point someone to blame for the loss, point me out," Florence told the Buffalo News after the game. "I didn't make any plays and I gave up some plays. I didn't play good enough for our team to win. I think all 10 guys on defense played good enough to win and I didn't play like I'm capable of playing."

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"The two interceptions I threw, couldn't ask for a better coverage, couldn't ask for a better play, couldn't ask for a better route," Fitzpatrick said. "They were both the exact same thing where it was basically Stevie on a go route. I'd like to give credit to Corey Webster. He made plays on both of 'em. That being said, I feel like Stevie beat him. I feel like I underthrew both of 'em."

Comments like this after a tough road loss is exactly why the optimists among us aren’t running for the panic button. Personnel-wise, this is the team we expected to see on the field this season. But the heart and character is something that’s more difficult predict and far more important to the continued improvement of the team.

The Bills will certainly be feeling a bit wounded entering their week off, but I’m sure they understand they still have a tremendous opportunity ahead of them. Even if they split their games the rest of the way, they’ll finish with a 9-7 record, their first above-.500 season in 7 years. But the personality of this team isn’t interested in settling for a split.

“That's not how we look at it right now," said David Nelson. "We're going into a bye week on a loss. We started 3-0. Now we're 1-2 in the last three games and 1-2 on the road. We're not satisfied with 4-2. These two losses are on us. We let things happen to make us lose a game, and we can't have that."

There’s still plenty of football to be played and clearly there are some serious questions to be answered during the bye week. It’ll be on the coaching staff and the general manager’s office to sort them out. All I know is I’d much rather they be worrying about their play-calling and personnel, than their conviction and confidence.

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Fortunately, I'm adhering to a pretty strict, uh, drug regimen to keep my mind, you know, uh, limber.

10/15/2011

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The healthiest preparation before Bills games.


The Scizz

Welcome to my Week 6 Buffalo Bills preview. My apologies for not providing you, the dear readers, with a Lebowski quote themed Bills preview for last week's game against the Fuggles. I actually wrote almost half the post in a car en-route to Montreal for a bachelor party, and fully planned on finishing and posting it at some point while I was there, I really did. However, after arriving on the scene, what followed was a 27 hour bender the likes I have not been a part of in years. Which of course, was my first reason for this week's Big Lebowski quote. Naturlly.I have three other connections to this week's title...

1. I feel like we all need a strict drug regimen to keep our minds straight while dealing with these Bills. Dear lord. With the exception of the opener against the Chiefs, every week has driven us to the brink of insanity. Two huge comeback wins, one 14 point lead blown to lose the game on the last play, and of course last week's odd domination/almost last minute choke. Tack on all the injuries to the secondary, offensive line, and now receivers, and this team will kill at least 37 people this season due to strokes or heart attacks. I would suggest that getting really drunk would help you deal with it, however, I have tried that nearly every week and I still freak out with a terrifying rapid heart beat. Drugs it is.

*DGWU does not support the use of illegal drugs. Except meth, which has given us the birth of Intervention, Breaking Bad, and obviously Hoarders.

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This photo is not too far from the actual truth

2. Will somebody get Merriman back on the drugs? Seriously. I read earliest this week that his effin' achilles is bothering him AGAIN! And, I just received a text that says he didn't even travel with the team to Jersey. I hope everyone is with me when I say, pump this dude full of 'roids again and feed him enough cocaine to make Tony Montana blush. Who is in charge of these things? Where is the guy I knew from college whose job it was to keep Jim Kelly's Gatorade bottle full of vodka when he was watching from the sidelines? (Post-career! Post-Career!)

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Does anyone have Canseco's s Cell #?

3. Eli Manning always looks confused and paranoid. You think his teammates would have passed some sticky icky onto him by now. Kid needs to caaaaaaalm down and relax sometimes. I usually feel bad for him, even when he is winning. Imagine having incredible pressure to live up to your father's insane expectations and then live in the shadow of your much more talented older brother. I don't give a fuck if he won a Super Bowl trophy! Look at him! Every time he throws the ball he looks like he either just shit his pants or he just remembered that he left a bootleg porn vid in his parent's VCR. (Sidenote: Both feel like punches to the stomach)

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Oh I hope it wasn't the one with the she-males.
In other news, this game scares the fuck out of me. The Giants tend to rebound very well after disappointing losses, and could there be a more disappointing loss than last week's debacle against the Charlie Whitehurst led Seahawks? Tom Coughlin may not be considered the greatest coach out there, or the greatest coach named Tom, or even a coach at all, but one thing he does do well is motivate his team after major letdowns. If I wasn't a lazy blogger watching a Hockey game while I type this (GOOOOOOOOOOOAL BY ROOOOOOOOOOOOY!), I would have attempted to looked up a stat for this. I should have asked Black & Blue & Gold if we could get CriminallyVul1ga on loan this week.

Keep in mind that these Giants are still 3 - 2 and have looked very good at times this year. Hakeem Nicks is a huge receiving threat, something that has given Buffalo's weak secondary fits this year. Which reminds me! Have you EVER seen such a paradoxical pass coverage in your life? These guys will give up big pass after big pass, which has driven me fucking nuts this season, but have still managed a ridiculous number of interceptions. I don't get it. It has been either all or nothing....and I kinda like it.
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What other incredible insider news do I have for you? Well, I could go over all of the injury reports and what-not, but you can read those anywhere. So here are the injuries that will happen THIS week: 

Giants: Victor Cruz - High Ankle Sprain, Justin Tuck - Strained Scrotum, Brandon Jacobs - Lodged Bear Claw, Steve Smith - Philadelphia Eagles, Jason Pierre-Paul - Fuckin' French

Bills: Naaman Roosevelt - Broken hand (of course), C.J. Spiller - Cracked ego, Terrance McGee - Leg fell off, Kellen Heard - Fall into obscurity, Lee Smith - Torn rotator cuff leading to Tommy John surgery, and of course Freddie Jackson's head will explode from extreme awesomeness. TO THE LINKS!

5 reasons to hate the New York Giants: Buffalo Wins
I love leading with these. Joe drops some much loved hate.

Should the Bills trade for a Wide Receiver?: WNY Water Cooler
Steve talks about the Buffalo WR trade rumors.

Buffalo Barks!: Kenny's 2 Pennies
If you are not watching Kenny's Bills (and 'Cuse) video recaps, you are truly missing out.

3 guys who need to show up for the Bills: Buffalo Wins
Title says it all. And I agree with everything Joe wrote here.

Breaking down the rest of Buffalo's schedule: Buffalo Lowdown
Brad Andrews plays a little game I use to drive myself crazy with.

Enjoy the game this weekend and GO BILLS!!! I'm feeling high school nostalgic today:
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Disproportionate Responses to the Sabres' Home Opener Loss

10/14/2011

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The Barrister


First things first:

Fuck Carolina.

I won't even pretend that the Northern and Southern halves deserve to be separate states. When your sports teams routinely lump you together in one rotten mess of redneck turd, then you know something's amiss.

Starting from the Wright Brothers and continuing to today, your best achievements are made by outsiders. Congratulations, Carolina. You're a nice place to live that can't educate a child to save your life.

Oh, and the facts bear that out, bitches. New York? 2nd in the nation. North and South Carolina? 19th and 15th, respectively. Way to go, stoopids.

Despite having lived in New York City for 6 years now, and despite the seething rage that flows through my veins when I hear the Rangers goal song (WORST EVER) or when I see a group of Islander fans gloat after an ugly Sabres loss, losing to the Canes is fucking awful. The lingering anger from '06, combined with the borderline xenophobic hatred I have for Southern hockey (irrational as it may be), make for a seriously vicious cocktail of emotion whenever the Sabres happen to lose to these clowns.

Ugh.

As for the Sabres, despite this post's title and visual intro, I won't get to riled up over the UTTER DISAPPOINTMENT AT LOSING A HOME OPENER. OH GOD DID YOU SEE THOSE SHORTHANDED GOALS? THIS IS LIKE '07-'08 ALL OVER AGAIN!!! WE CAN'T WIN IN NORTH AMERICA!!

Deep breaths. Find a happy place. Find a happy place.

Ah. There it is. I am currently taking a minute dreaming of Amelia Pond.

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Ride that TARDIS, Amy.

British sci-fi really does get me going.

Moving on... our boys got flat outplayed tonight. Not in a way that makes me concerned, per se, but one that does create some feeling that these Sabres - as talented and high-dollar as they are - will have a target on their backs for the rest of the season. As much as some of the league likes to act like we aren't the real deal, there will be a substantial majority of teams that will get up to play the Sabres as if the teams are embroiled in playoff hockey already. This is what I saw from the Canes tonight - an absurd night from Cam Ward, a very tough showing from a far weaker defense and a couple of instances of sharp opportunism. Game Over.

Moreover, what seems apparent after the home opener is that, for all the hype and hope and flashes of brilliance we have seen and have yet to see from the Sabres squad, this is a team that will lose plenty of games it should win. And it is largely the same team that went 0-4-1 at home during October of 2010, a team that often seems to crumble under the pressure of a fan base dripping with expectation and - as they seemed to do tonight - ready to overreact at the slightest hint of trouble. I want to believe this team (and its fans) has changed, but I just can't yet.

So, maybe, after all of the hype and the moments during which we allow ourselves to hope, we should take a moment and accept the fact that this Sabres team is not actually a new Sabres team until they show it to us on the ice, night in and night out.   With the new parts and the new owner, this is still a team that will need to grow and develop if they want to collectively shed the tendencies of their franchise's past.

Even so, its all-too obvious that we don't know what tonight was, despite our mutual tendencies to get all doom and gloom when the easy road - the fairytale road - doesn't simply pave itself.  Besides, isn't it more fun to watch our boys make their own way through adversity and a league that challenges them to be the best versions of themselves on the ice?

Maybe tonight was just the first bump in a road to an absurdly successful season, or maybe it's the first sign that our team is slowly being infested by zombies who can't play hockey. We won't know until we know.  Either way, as usual, this team is ours, and watching them figure out their own destinies is one of the greatest things we get to do as fans.

So, seriously, STFU about Miller being past his prime, or Ehrhoff being a bust, or Jason Pominville being the worst pick for captain in the history of sport. At least for now. Take a breath and just fucking enjoy this shit.

Whether this is a road to glory or disappointment, we're in for one fun ass ride.



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10 Things About Buffalo Sports That You Already Know... But Don't Want To Know.

10/14/2011

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Note from The Barrister:

This entry is from a new guest contributor here at DGWU Sports - The Grouch. As you all will see, the kid has some things he wanted to get off his chest. Some of these things will probably piss some of you off. A lot. But, since we don't really have a lot of respect for any of you or whatever you think, we've let the Grouch step in and take the DGWU soapbox. Make sure to leave some comments below if you wish to verbally berate El Groucherino. It's been months since anything on the site incited the wrath of our dear readers, so here's hoping that you all feel inspired to drop some hate before you depart. Enjoy!

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Shhhh.

The Grouch

So it turns out there are a lot of quiet truths in the world. Truths we know about ourselves, that we know about each other. Things that are virtually indisputable, but that we dispute anyway, because things are supposed to be one-way-or-another, because we are supposed to exhibit this emotion or that idea. There are things like that in every facet of life. There are things like that in the sports world. There are things like that about the Buffalo Bills and Buffalo Sabres that you know, that I know, that we just don't want to admit to ourselves. Here are 10 things about Buffalo Sports that you already know but you don't want to know. 

10 - It was a Lateral.
Science has proven it. Math has proven it. I think someone from the afterlife might have stopped by in the spare pope-mobile just to be sure that we knew that it was a lateral. I was as bummed that the Bills allowed the "Music City Miracle" to happen as anybody, but the frigging thing went backwards, or at least exactly even, and the kick coverage was just piss poor. Yet we continue to banter out about how this was another in a long line of conspiracies against Buffalo, because the world dislikes snow and chicken wings. Enough already. Want to be bitter? Be bitter about the obvious, blatant, unfortunate holding on Steve Christie as he desperately attempted to make a play on the return (not that it had mattered), or the fact that Rob Johnson started that football game for no good reason. But don't be bitter about the lateral. It was a lateral.

9 - The "Bills Mafia" is a neat idea with a stupid name.
Fan and community organization is cool. "Mafia" is the dumbest name I could possibly think of sticking on it, though. "Mafia" was what the dumb kids referred to their cliques as in the 7th grade. The dumb kids, let's remember. 

8 - Buffalo is never going to be a great city again.
We sometimes attribute our sports success or failure to the region's success and failure. Sorry. There is no comeback. It will always be what it is, and we should be proud of that. The time for a once-great city to exist in that particular part of the country, with its climate, its resources, its socioeconomic culture will never change. No matter how successful the Bills and Sabres become, people will never want to move to Buffalo in droves, the spirit of entrepreneurship has moved on permanently. It is too cold and there are too many obstacles. There will always be small gains, but as the "Queen City", Buffalo is broken beyond repair.

7 - When it comes to the difference between the likability, culture, etc. of professional athletes, race and background matters.
Football players and hockey players are different in a lot of ways. One of the ways that they're different is their socioeconomic background, one of the reasons that is different is because of their race. That's not always the case, but it is enough to call it a rule. For the most part, we all like football and hockey, and we should probably keep it at that, because liking who we like better, when unraveled deep down to the core, reveals things about ourselves we probably don't want to come to terms with.

6 - But really, the most popular team in town is the most successful team in town.
Does it feel like the Bills are just a little less interesting this week than last week? [Ed note: This point was much more salient when the Grouch wrote it between the Week 4 loss and the Week 5 win. Yet, I think we get his point.]

5 - Jerry Sullivan, Sal Maiorana and Mike Schopp are bad at their jobs. But no one is stepping up to do a better job, either.
We do not have alternative sports radio or an alternative sports periodical. The blogs are constantly in a Cold War with one another, never willing to "fully" work together without a guarantee that their specific blog would be the one to receive recognition and creative control. Creating a real alternative requires time, money, manpower and resilience. No combination of these things have been successfully presented by anybody. 

4  - And they won't be.
Buffalo is a shrinking small to mid-sized market. Regular readers and listeners hesitate to expend their limited discretionary income on alternative media. There is no organization amongst people who wish to provide alternatives. The blogs are mostly out for themselves. Too many independent writers are wooed by the slightest bit of attention or recognition from the traditional media. Too many people want to listen to traditional journalists, who are going extinct, by everyone's admission. It is, in other words, generally not a good idea to read a survival guide written by dinosaurs. 

3 - Being drunk at football games does not make football games better.
It makes you feel better, and yes, there is a difference. [Ed. Note: Whaaaa???]

2 - Ralph Wilson Stadium isn't "kind of" a dump. It's a dump. It's our dump, and it's all wholesome and has character and -- whatever -- it's a dump.
It is, in one of the coldest parts of the country, an outdoor stadium, built in the middle of nowhere, with tiny, insufficient concourses, outdated luxury boxes and an increasingly obnoxious parking lot situation. It's a dump. It's our dump. It's the only dump we'll ever have, because we don't have enough money to buy a new dump. Ralph Wilson Stadium is your 250 lb wife, who was once a passable 130 lb young lady with perky tits. But now you're both 45, have had 3 kids and do not have time for healthy foods and exercise. Thing is, you're old and broke and ugly too. You're never going to do any better. It's your dump, and it's all you'll ever have.

1 - We're bad fans.  We hear a lot about how great of fans we are, mostly because people buy tickets and we "care" about our teams. But there reaches a point where it gets a little gross, also. Trekkies, the nerdy and somewhat religious fanatics of Star Trek are made fun of for a reason. And that reason is, caring too much is as bad as not caring enough. Whether it's vandalizing a player's lawn for making a mistake or bothering a player at the grocery store, the sports of Buffalo are a little too entangled in everyday life for comfort. And that probably makes things worse for everything else. We probably shouldn't give out keys to the city to athletes anymore, either. It probably just unlocks things about us which we wish we never knew.
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DGWU Fantasy Recap - Week 5

10/12/2011

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This picture has nothing to do with the post but I wanted to use it.

The Scizz

On top of the world, bitches. That's right. After a thrilling Monday night win with the help of real game losers Jay Cutler, Matt Forte, and Robbie Gould, The Scizz sits on top of the standings with a 4 - 1 record and the highest point total in the league. Damn. It feels good to be a gangsta!

I apologize for the "gangsta" line, but victory tastes so sweet after that win. My Hoboken Hurricanes knocked off El Mas Guapo (1 - 4) by 15 points, despite huge games from Aaron Rodgers and the San Fran Defense. How did I do it? Easy....Freddie Fuckin' Jackson, that's how. He is an absolute beast in fantasy this year and is delivering the goods to my heart in several ways, week in and week out. The 174.86 points scored was 3rd highest of the week as my team continues to run on all cylinders. I also spent over 15 hours in a car this weekend with El Mas Guapo owner, the Spaniard, and I think I got in his head.....with my awful morning after bachelor party farts. It was truly horrendous.

In other DGWU action, chapter one of the well documented fantasy football feud between the Barrister's Bachmann's Cervix (weird) and Yachtsman's WMP's (even weirder if you know what it stands for) came to a close. Although the Yachter sent violent texts at me Sunday because he assured me Yahoo wouldn't let him put in Thomas Jones over bye-week bound Peyton Hillis, he still picked up the big dub over our own Big Dub to move to 4 - 1. Matt Schaub's bad decision making on the field didn't hinder his fantasy numbers too badly as he became WMP's highest point scorer, which didn't need to be much when you look at the fact that the Barrister was playing the following receivers this past week: Eric Decker, Preston Parker, and Jacoby Ford. Add in piss poor showings from Dustin Keller and the San Diego D and you have what should have been the lowest total points total for any team this week (104.48). 

The key word there is SHOULD. The Apologist's Yancey's Fancy scored a disgustingly low 75.44 points and was crushed by over 100 points by the Hammering Hebrews XI. I repeat - ONE HUNDRED POINT DEFEAT! He managed this embarrassing feat by having his QB's Josh Freeman and Kyle Orton COMBINE for 2.94 pts, playing an injured Andre Johnson, and my personal favorite, leaving TE Ed Dickson in his starting lineup despite having a bye. Dear lord, Aps! Yachtsman warned me his fantasy skills were terrible, but I'm thinking that this could be the first year this league (in it's 11th year) has a winless manager. That would be a new level of incredible suckitude. Sorry Aps, but we all need to pray this happens.
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Yancey's Fancy before game-time.
In the other match-ups, Action Jackson squeaked by Grandpa Tim's AARP All-Stars to become the fourth team to move to 4 - 1 this week. They have won 3 in a row and take on Crippling Back Pain (3 - 2) next week, who picked up a huge win over the J-Spotters (2 - 3) with help from the Detroit Lions' Jahvid Best and Matt Stafford. It didn't help the J-Spotters that the Tampa Bay Defense ended up with negative one point after their embarrassment against San Fran. Finally, the Giz Beasts (1 - 4) picked up their first win of the season with a nail biter over the DC Earthquakes (3 - 2), handing them just their second loss. It was an impressive win for Giz, who as an expansion team is still getting a handle on the world of a two QB league. With only Alex Smith playing at QB (whom he just traded for this week), Giz received MONSTER performances from him, Hines Ward, and BenJarvis Green-Smith-Abbot-Schumacher-Ellis to move out of that last place spot. Speaking of....

Next week we have the second DGWU match-up of the season, as the Yachtsman, still no doubt riding high on his destruction of the feared Eric Decker, faces off against poor, poor Apologist and his struggling Yancey's Fancy. Can you say blood bath?

My Hoboken Hurricanes take on our good Jewish friends the Hammering Hebrews XI, a Tri-State plus league original, and the Barrister's Bachmann's Cervix goes against the underrated DC Earthquakes, who have quietly put up some impressive performances this year. 

I would also like to add a new feature called "Start 'Em and Sit Em!" First, start your best running back. This will help you to win. Next, sit Keyshawn Johnson, Carson Palmer, and Fred Biletnikoff because they don't play anymore. Good luck and make sure you remember to follow us on the 'ole Twitter-mah-jig!
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Columbus, Invading Powers and Your Buffalo Sabres

10/10/2011

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PAF F-86 Sabres in formation. For real.
The Barrister

It seems all too fitting that, as I ride down the Northeast Corridor on this most bizarre and offensive of American holidays, that I get the privilege of recapping the Sabres' Euro invasion. While good ol' Chris Columbus led the charge to the Americas back in 1492, our boys in Blue and Gold did the reverse trip last week (plus a few hundred miles...), playing a preseason friendly in Manheim, and then opening the season in Helsinki and Berlin this past weekend. And while the flood of conquistadors to the "New World" brought a wave of physical, economic, virulent and cultural change to the peoples who resided west of the Atlantic Ocean, the Sabres' trip to Europe may just have signaled a changing tide in North American professional ice hockey, as the Sabres opened the season with remarkable force.  

Europe, socialist tendencies and all, was fucking good to us.

Honorable mention, of course, to the Ducks and Kings, who valiantly played the roles of "unsuspecting natives graciously accepting our disease blankets and false promises."  Every success story needs a loser to play their part, and boy did these guys pull through. Do not attempt to refute that gross generalization. I am too powerful. Unlike the antibody-free immune systems of certain exploited populations.

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Know what's more racist than posting this picture? CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS.

If you've been keeping tabs on the Sabres this summer, you're all too aware of the lingering questions surrounding this team as we all looked forward to the 2011-12 season. Yet, here we are, after a summer of Pegulamania - both reasonable and asinine - a rash of high-profile and top-dollar signings, a Prospects Tournament championship and a successful preseason which saw the team dominant at times. Here we are with real, meaningful hockey to talk about, and damn it feels good to see that, at least for the moment, the pent up, quintessentially Buffalo mix of optimism, skepticism and outright fear can find a little release.

I won't dare overstate what these games mean for the season (false promises! continuing the theme!). After being scolded repeatedly by the Yachtsman for the apparent hubris I've exhibited in my commentary on the DGWU Fantasy Football season (more on that to come later this week), I know I need to tread the line between vicious optimist and fearful realist. I may not be all that superstitious when it comes to my teams, and particularly my effect on the likelihood of my teams' success, but I do have to sit through a USMNT match with Yachter tomorrow night in the Dirty Jerz... so I figure my self-restraint is more about self-preservation than anything else.

That disclaimer aside, the Sabres' trip to Europe, starting with Tuesday's 8-2 victory against German club team Adler Mannheim and continuing with the real deal games on Friday and Saturday, was VERY satisfying. Fans heard a lot of shit from the hockey media world about the risks associated with those big money signings this summer. Last week's games proved that our fan base need not be too concerned - for now - about whether the offseason moves will produce on-ice results. Coupled with the hot starts from the "sometimes unsatisfying, but we've been stuck with them for years, bread-and-butter" of the Sabres team, the revamped Buffalo roster signaled to the rest of the league that they're ready to get this fucking Cup run started.

That's right. FUCKING CUP RUN. I told you I'm not superstitious. If it's good enough for Terry and Teddy, it's good enough for me.

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You can say "Cup," Barrister. You're a brilliant and handsome man, after all. And Yachter's a fucking narby. We know this. ~ Ted Black

The action started on Friday with a 1pm EST start against Anaheim. Four minutes in, Thomas Vanek got the TV Party started with a power play goal.  Let me say that again... Vanek - who many expected would get the "C," and who many (not I...) question as one of the streakier and emotionally unstable players on this team - started the season scoring with a power play goal - often considered to be one of the streakiest and unstable aspects of the Sabres' game. Right off the bat, this was a different Sabres team than I have seen in years. Four minutes later, the newly acquired Ville Leino followed suit and gave Sabres fan yet another moment of sweet, sweet relief.

So, eight and a half minutes into the season, the Sabres were up by a pair, and suddenly some of the bigger questions about this season had some early returns. For now.
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The rest of the game was more of the same - at least insofar as "more of the same" means "totally different than everything we've come to expect as we've lived and died with this team since the lockout." The Ducks cut the lead to one in the fifth minute of the second, only to have Captain Pommers extend it a minute and fifteen second later with a screened wrister from the right dot. Vanek's powerplay goal six minutes later was icing on the cake, and there the score remained for the remainder of the affair as the Sabres blueline locked it down. Word was that the Sabres failed to record a single shot on goal during the third period, but when you have a defensive corps like they do - HOW CAN THIS BE TRUE?? - I guess these kinds of things are possible. Craziness.

As for the Saturday game against the Kings, I won't pretend to have a lot to say. I was knee deep in cool, cool beers at a wedding in New Hampshire and only caught the highlights yesterday morning as I was recovering from my hangover with the help of some gin & juice... true story. I'd make a "Hair of the Snoop Dogg" joke right now if there was a way to do so without feeling like a gigantic wiener. As if that were avoidable.

From what I've read as I've bandied about the interwebs, Luke Adam had a hell of a game on Saturday. Having already tallied two helpers during Friday's game, Adam notched two goals and First Star honors on Saturday. Apparently the kid likes being with the big club and doesn't really intend on getting sent to Rochester this season (which may not even be possible with his contract and/or age? Maybe he needs to play in the juniors still? What the eff do I know?  I'd check this, but DGWU standard of laziness prohibit it).

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Don't look that shit up. Just effin' chill....

Also of note is that while Saturday's contest did not see the Sabres rush out to a hot start like they did against the Ducks, they did open the scoring with a flourish of goals that saw them go up 3-0. After Adam scored his two in the third and fifth minutes of the second period, Paul Gaustad extended the lead to three in the 14th minute. These are things that make hockey look all-too-easy and make me well up with pride and excitement for the next 96+ games.

That said, they're also the sorts of things that remind me of the 2006-07 season. Which, in turn, makes me want to weep openly and/or strangle a hobo under the Brooklyn Bridge. So, there are certainly things to consider.

Two games down and many, many to go. With another four days to wait before the next game as the team recuperates from their travels, it makes a lot of sense for me to end this post with tempered enthusiasm, but eff that noise. These guys just opened their season with two wins by a combined score of 8-3, and did so with contributions from guys that, as we're so often told, need to be contributing on a consistent basis. Thomas Vanek - 2 goals, 3 assists. Jason Pominville - 1 goal, 3 assists. Paul Gaustad, Drew Stafford, Ville Leino - each with a goal. Roy and Ehrhoff - each with assists. No one with a +/- worse than -1 over the weekend. These are all things to build upon, and will hopefully be a sign of good things to come over the next several months.

Which isn't to say that there aren't things about which we can have some concern. The team found itself in the penalty box way more often than I'd like - a combined 20 minutes over the weekend, constituting 1/6 of the gameplay (MATHS!!). For a team historically (read: for the past four to six years) lacking in discipline, I'd love it if they could keep those numbers down. But those kinds of criticisms - in addition to my lingering concerns about whether Derek Roy is going to be a factor as our top center and whether Tyler Myers is The Truth - are best saved for another day. Probably one when we get smoked by a half dozen shorthanded goals by the New York Islanders.

For now, though, all is roses in Sabreland, and I couldn't be happier.

Cue the disproportionately happy music to take us out... superstition be damned.


Follow me on Twitter. And the whole DGWU Crew as well.
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Closing Arguments on the Premiership - Week 7 - Derby Edition

10/4/2011

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The Barrister

I wonder if anyone who checks in with our site - other than a scattering of twitter friends who I know to be footy fans - actually noticed that Closing Arguments took a week off last week. After a string of disappointing results from my Liverpool Reds, their Week 6 win against the Wolves at home was not much to write home about. Not to mention the elation and single-mindedness of many Buffalo sports fans following the Pats game, which made it difficult to think that an EPL recap was really the best use of my time.

Well, after the Bills game in Cincinnati, and my accompanying desire to steer clear of Bills analysis, the footy fans amongst you can rejoice!! All three of you! After all, considering it was a weekend full of several cross-town derbies, it would be silly not to take note of some of the crazy stories that went down in England (and Wales...Go Swansea!) this weekend.

So click through for all your soccer needs.


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DGWU Fantasy Recap - Week 4

10/4/2011

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The Barrister

I would've changed the visual lead-in this week... except after going to 4-0 this weekend, I still do feel a little bit heroic. So it stays.

It was a weird and wild weekend in fantasy nationwide, with Cam Newton back running up unreal numbers, Tom Brady falling back to earth, and Arian Foster appearing to be back to full health. To see how all that played out for the DGWU Crew, click "Read More." You know you want to.


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Reality Check

10/3/2011

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How many Bills does it take to not make a tackle?
The Apologist

As Mike Nugent’s 43-yard field goal sailed through the uprights at Paul Brown Stadium yesterday, I could only think one thing.

“Boy. I’m psyched I agreed to recap this game already.”

I think it’s safe to say that yesterday was a sad, sobering moment for all of us. Players, writers and fans were all reminded that while this team has certainly made great strides over the last few weeks, they still have a ways to go before being considered one of the elite teams in the league.

Great teams don’t give up over 450 yards of offense to three straight opponents. Good teams might do that, but not teams destined for greatness. I’m not saying that the team’s first playoff berth in 12 years isn’t within reach for this team. It’s just not as likely as it may have seemed Sunday afternoon at 1 o’clock.

But I am the Apologist. And I wouldn’t be me if I couldn’t find the silver lining to this dark cloud.

Sometimes in the course of a season, a team needs a wake-up call. And perhaps, the Bills need a loss such as this to remind them to stop drinking the kool-aid that comes with a surprising 3-0 start. Sometimes when you’re too inexperienced to know better, you need to be reminded that there’s still 12 more of these games left to be played and you’ve yet to accomplish anything. It’s nice and easy for them to say that in the locker room after coming back from being down 21 against the Pats, but can you still believe it after coughing up a 14-point lead against the Bungles.

Let’s face it. Yesterday was a bad loss. If you’re a playoff caliber team, and you’re up by two scores on the road against a team struggling to accomplish anything offensively, you’ve got to put that team away. And giving up 20 points while only scoring 3 is not going to do it.

Now I could split hairs and tell you what each position could’ve done more of, but I’m not that smart and you’ve got plenty of other pundits to pay attention to who do it better. But I will tell you I think this loss definitely hangs heaviest around one person’s neck: Chan Gailey.
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It’s Gailey’s job to keep this team focused on the task at hand and yesterday the team looked anything but focused. For the first time this season, it was our players hanging their heads after bad drives. Our players were the ones throwing hissy-fits over missed calls. (Yes, the refs played their part, but we’ve had more than our share of lucky breaks over the last few weeks.) Our players were the ones who seemed unprepared to close out a game in the second half. To be fair, no one expected the first sight of this to come in Week 4, but the attitude & preparation of this team are Chan’s responsibility. And yesterday, certainly in the second half, they didn’t appear to have the right gameplan or frame-of-mind to win a tight game on the road.

Is it unfair to hang it all on him? Of course it is. He’s not the one walking up to the line of scrimmage. But that’s life in the NFL. If we’re gonna heap on the credit when the team starts 3-0, we’re gonna do the same when they suffer a bad loss to a bad team.

Clearly, the Bengals are the best defense we’ve faced so far. That seems strange, but it’s true. And yesterday the offense gagged in the face of that pressure. Fitzpatrick missed more than a few passes by more than a few yards. Fred Jackson finished with only 17 carries for 66 yards (the most glaring mistake on Chan’s part). They converted only 4 of 14 3rd down's. And ultimately, in the second half, where a single TD might’ve won the game, the Bills could only muster a field goal. All told, they scored only one offensive touchdown in the game.

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Look, obviously I’m grading them pretty harshly here. They’re still 3-1. There’s still plenty of time to get things back on the right track. But the Bills are approaching a critical junction in their season.

Next week they head back home to face the Philadelphia Eagles. Before the season started, the Eagles were dubbed “the Dream Team” by their back-up quarterback who now watches the games in a t-shirt, which basically says it all. They’re off to a disappointing 1-3 start and the Bills should expect them to play like the desperate, hungry team that they are. The Bills might think they can afford to go 3-2 and still have a good season. But the Eagles KNOW they can’t go 1-4 and expect to have an easy time making the playoffs, let alone contending for a Super Bowl. Add in the fact that an injured Michael Vick just hung nearly 500 total yards on San Fran’s defense and this Sunday starts to sound like a long day.

After that game, the Bills head right here to NYC to face the enigmatic New York Giants. Ever since Tom Coughlin arrived, it’s been hard to get a handle on who the Giants are. From week to week, you’re never quite sure which version of the team is going to show up. Are they beatable? Of course they are. But if the Bills are riding a 2-game losing streak into town, it may be much easier said than done.

With that in mind, it’s realistic to believe the Bills could be heading into their bye week at 3-3. Three straight wins and three straight losses would lead most people to believe that we’re no better than an 8-8 team and it’d be hard to imagine the players and coaches setting much more realistic goals than that in their own minds.

But a team headed into the bye week with a 4-2 or better yet 5-1 record, with wins over the Patriots, Giants, Eagles and an improving Raiders team would have reason to believe the playoffs are well within reach. And despite all the gloom & doom in this post, I honestly believe that it’s completely possible.

So while it’s clearly too soon to start making huge predictions one way or another, I think it’s fair to say Week 5 will tell us a great deal more about this football team than the first 3 weeks did. We’ve seen what they can do when the whole league doubts them and their backs are against the wall. Everyone can play tough as the underdog. Now we’ve gotten our first taste of how they handle the praise and a lead on the road against a tough opponent. Next week they go back home to face a team with a losing record in desperate need of a win. It’s not a must-win game, but it could prove to be a tipping point for the rest of the season.
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