The Outlander
With the NHL unable to get their shit together, a time normally dedicated to debating the Sabres lines and going on an NHL ’13 binge must be allocated elsewhere. With plenty of the deeg covering the comedy of errors that is the Buffalo Bills, I’ve decided to offer you something almost as good: a weekly column dedicated to previewing the week’s college football games. It’s almost as good in the way that college football is almost as good as the NFL. Adjust your expectations accordingly.
With the NHL unable to get their shit together, a time normally dedicated to debating the Sabres lines and going on an NHL ’13 binge must be allocated elsewhere. With plenty of the deeg covering the comedy of errors that is the Buffalo Bills, I’ve decided to offer you something almost as good: a weekly column dedicated to previewing the week’s college football games. It’s almost as good in the way that college football is almost as good as the NFL. Adjust your expectations accordingly.
Calm Yourselves, No Hockey Yet
Because I’m a gamer, I’m writing today’s college football preview column with a brutal sinus cold. You know, the kind where you wake up at 3am unable to breathe out of one nostril, which is unfortunate because that’s the nostril that’s running like a sieve? Five years ago this would be grounds to lie in bed all day and order a pizza instead of going to class, but work is sadly not as optional as higher education. Not to mention I’m one of those people who uses his sick days for hangovers and not actual illness. This could have happened one of two ways: first, Lloyd’s taco truck came to my work yesterday and I waited in line for over an hour in short sleeves because checking the weather in the morning is just too much fucking work. Second, I put my body through the ringer on a weekend that saw me get day drunk with Yachtsman on Saturday and then drink for about sixteen straight hours on Sunday. Going to the bar after a full tailgate and Bills game is rarely a good decision and even with Monday off, getting acclimated with my couch was probably the best Sunday night decision. Oh well, off to our games.
BYU at (24) Boise State- 9pm Thursday, ESPN
I don’t care that they’re not America’s darlings anymore, I’m still a fan. Boise is on the list of places I’d like to see a game, but I’m weird and would take a trip to Montana ten times before taking a trip to Miami. I’d pick Iceland over Aruba. Of course I’m not insane, I’d pick Boise over anywhere in Utah as well. Since Time Warner Cable is a twat that hates the NFL Network and all of us, tell them to fuck off and just watch this game instead. Boise climbed back into the rankings and I seriously doubt they’re going to disappear into oblivion as so many seem to predict.
Maryland at (8) West Virginia- 12pm Saturday, FX
If you have a friend who either went to school in Morgantown or attended a game there as a fan from the opposing school, you’ve probably heard the horror stories of Mountaineer fans spitting their Copenhagen out on opposing fans and generally behaving like a pack of raving lunatics. I always wonder what possessed anyone to place a venue of higher education in Morgantown. At the same time they’re worth cheering for due to the sole reason they’re not one of the same four teams from the Confederacy that compete for the title every year. Christ I can’t wait for a playoff.
Kentucky at (14) Florida- 12pm Saturday, ESPN3
I’m pretty sure the descriptions of hell in Dante’s Inferno were based on Florida. Anyone who uses the attractiveness of the coed’s as the redeeming factor for a goddamn state school in a shithole like Gainesville should be slapped across the face with a stop sign. Florida is three cities of retreads from other states and a hundred backwater towns straight out of Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. Gainesville is one of the latter. Plus I don’t think it’s a stretch to assume those hot coed’s have the personality of a recycling box.
I don’t care that they’re not America’s darlings anymore, I’m still a fan. Boise is on the list of places I’d like to see a game, but I’m weird and would take a trip to Montana ten times before taking a trip to Miami. I’d pick Iceland over Aruba. Of course I’m not insane, I’d pick Boise over anywhere in Utah as well. Since Time Warner Cable is a twat that hates the NFL Network and all of us, tell them to fuck off and just watch this game instead. Boise climbed back into the rankings and I seriously doubt they’re going to disappear into oblivion as so many seem to predict.
Maryland at (8) West Virginia- 12pm Saturday, FX
If you have a friend who either went to school in Morgantown or attended a game there as a fan from the opposing school, you’ve probably heard the horror stories of Mountaineer fans spitting their Copenhagen out on opposing fans and generally behaving like a pack of raving lunatics. I always wonder what possessed anyone to place a venue of higher education in Morgantown. At the same time they’re worth cheering for due to the sole reason they’re not one of the same four teams from the Confederacy that compete for the title every year. Christ I can’t wait for a playoff.
Kentucky at (14) Florida- 12pm Saturday, ESPN3
I’m pretty sure the descriptions of hell in Dante’s Inferno were based on Florida. Anyone who uses the attractiveness of the coed’s as the redeeming factor for a goddamn state school in a shithole like Gainesville should be slapped across the face with a stop sign. Florida is three cities of retreads from other states and a hundred backwater towns straight out of Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. Gainesville is one of the latter. Plus I don’t think it’s a stretch to assume those hot coed’s have the personality of a recycling box.
Just Your Typical Gator Fan
To show what I mean, a little story. I was out at Dwyer’s Irish Pub in North Tonawanda a couple weeks ago (lovely beer selection by the way) with a few of my buddies with this blonde girl sidles up to our group and just stands there. I mean, she just fucking stood there with some idiotic grin on her face while my friends proceeded to solicit one word answers to generic questions. Girls like this need to be thrown into a fucking volcano, the ones who have made it well into their twenties without developing anything remotely close to a personality. It’s like the Louis CK bit where he asks a girl what she does and she responds “I don’t know, people wanna fuck me.” This is what I picture at the University of Florida. And I’m sure the situation in Lexington isn’t much better. You girls are the fucking worst and need to get run over by a pack of thoroughbreds.
Missouri at (7) South Carolina- 3:30pm Saturday, CBS
I’d rather watch a Nickeback rock opera than another LSU-Alabama national championship, and South Carolina is one of those several teams that offer us all hope. I haven’t gotten to watch them yet this season for various reasons, and now that they are on national television and not relegated to Tuesday nights on ESPNU, I urge you to tune in as well. They’re as relevant as they’ve been since every guy in your high school wanted their hat that said “COCKS” across the front.
Temple at Penn State- 3:30pm Saturday, ABC
Two things. First, Bill O’Brien has a butt-chin that makes Tom Brady’s butt-chin look non-existent. I’m pretty sure James Cameron wants to dive to the bottom of it and film a documentary about what lives there. Two, Darren Rovell is a chode. He sits on twitter all day blathering on about how many McRib’s Aaron Rodgers’ daily salary could afford but doesn’t know shit about the actual business of sports (what one would think is a pre-requisite to being a “business” sports reporter). First he stated the Bills wouldn’t sell any season tickets from acquiring Mario Williams (I and the three friends I sit with can attest to the falsity there) and then he spent the entire summer droning on about State College turning into the Detroit of college football, with vacant hotels, empty businesses and tumbleweeds pouring down Atherton Street. There isn’t a “sports” reporter that has less of a grasp on fan bases and their tendency to unite around a team. It is remarkably fitting that this twat now works at ESPN.
As for the game, well unless you went to either of these schools, you’re probably just going to be mad that this is on ABC instead of Oregon State-UCLA. Just try and enjoy Penn State attempting to win their second (and probably last) game all year.
(2) LSU at Auburn- 7pm Saturday, ESPN
Fuck both these places.
(18) Michigan at (11) Notre Dame- 7:30pm Saturday, NBC
So Notre Dame’s good again? NBC’s execs have to be walking around 30 Rock with perma-boners. First they break even on the Olympics after telling every fan under forty to go fuck themselves, now their formally shitty Saturday afternoon money pit is having a resurgence. Watch the Winter Classic double as the NHL season opener to give them the luckiest six months of sports broadcasting in recent memory. As for the game itself, it feels like there’s been a lot of games with hype but very few that have lived up to that hype. It’d be nice for the first of four games between ranked teams to buck the trend. Just please, no more stupid special jerseys. You killed a fad that could have lived on in perpetuity in a matter of weeks. God the NCAA is a dumpster fire.
(15) Kansas State at (6) Oklahoma- 7:30pm Saturday, Fox
“Oh good, Oklahoma’s back.” –No one outside of Norman. Remember when they won a national championship 17-2? Remember Jason White and Josh Huepel? God those guys were terrible. If the Bills end up with Landry Jones he will be the J.P. Losman out of this year’s quarterback class and we’ll all end up converging at Russ Brandon’s house at 3am to shit on his lawn.
So yes, I’m rooting for K-State here.
Speaking of the Bills…
I think I’m going to find a way to shoehorn some Bills thoughts into this weekly post until either the NHL gets going or the CFL and college hockey come back to NBCSN. Sorry Scizz, I’ll do my best to avoid curb-stomping your Friday hot takes. Regardless, Russ Brandon is utterly worthless in his position. I simply cannot fathom how such damning news as outsourcing a second regular season game in Toronto wouldn’t warrant a response that day, let alone no response for three days. How can anyone claim to have the ear of the fanbase and be utterly deaf to the needs, wishes, and passion of that fanbase? How can anyone in charge of the business of the team seem so utterly disinterested in conducting that business?
Missouri at (7) South Carolina- 3:30pm Saturday, CBS
I’d rather watch a Nickeback rock opera than another LSU-Alabama national championship, and South Carolina is one of those several teams that offer us all hope. I haven’t gotten to watch them yet this season for various reasons, and now that they are on national television and not relegated to Tuesday nights on ESPNU, I urge you to tune in as well. They’re as relevant as they’ve been since every guy in your high school wanted their hat that said “COCKS” across the front.
Temple at Penn State- 3:30pm Saturday, ABC
Two things. First, Bill O’Brien has a butt-chin that makes Tom Brady’s butt-chin look non-existent. I’m pretty sure James Cameron wants to dive to the bottom of it and film a documentary about what lives there. Two, Darren Rovell is a chode. He sits on twitter all day blathering on about how many McRib’s Aaron Rodgers’ daily salary could afford but doesn’t know shit about the actual business of sports (what one would think is a pre-requisite to being a “business” sports reporter). First he stated the Bills wouldn’t sell any season tickets from acquiring Mario Williams (I and the three friends I sit with can attest to the falsity there) and then he spent the entire summer droning on about State College turning into the Detroit of college football, with vacant hotels, empty businesses and tumbleweeds pouring down Atherton Street. There isn’t a “sports” reporter that has less of a grasp on fan bases and their tendency to unite around a team. It is remarkably fitting that this twat now works at ESPN.
As for the game, well unless you went to either of these schools, you’re probably just going to be mad that this is on ABC instead of Oregon State-UCLA. Just try and enjoy Penn State attempting to win their second (and probably last) game all year.
(2) LSU at Auburn- 7pm Saturday, ESPN
Fuck both these places.
(18) Michigan at (11) Notre Dame- 7:30pm Saturday, NBC
So Notre Dame’s good again? NBC’s execs have to be walking around 30 Rock with perma-boners. First they break even on the Olympics after telling every fan under forty to go fuck themselves, now their formally shitty Saturday afternoon money pit is having a resurgence. Watch the Winter Classic double as the NHL season opener to give them the luckiest six months of sports broadcasting in recent memory. As for the game itself, it feels like there’s been a lot of games with hype but very few that have lived up to that hype. It’d be nice for the first of four games between ranked teams to buck the trend. Just please, no more stupid special jerseys. You killed a fad that could have lived on in perpetuity in a matter of weeks. God the NCAA is a dumpster fire.
(15) Kansas State at (6) Oklahoma- 7:30pm Saturday, Fox
“Oh good, Oklahoma’s back.” –No one outside of Norman. Remember when they won a national championship 17-2? Remember Jason White and Josh Huepel? God those guys were terrible. If the Bills end up with Landry Jones he will be the J.P. Losman out of this year’s quarterback class and we’ll all end up converging at Russ Brandon’s house at 3am to shit on his lawn.
So yes, I’m rooting for K-State here.
Speaking of the Bills…
I think I’m going to find a way to shoehorn some Bills thoughts into this weekly post until either the NHL gets going or the CFL and college hockey come back to NBCSN. Sorry Scizz, I’ll do my best to avoid curb-stomping your Friday hot takes. Regardless, Russ Brandon is utterly worthless in his position. I simply cannot fathom how such damning news as outsourcing a second regular season game in Toronto wouldn’t warrant a response that day, let alone no response for three days. How can anyone claim to have the ear of the fanbase and be utterly deaf to the needs, wishes, and passion of that fanbase? How can anyone in charge of the business of the team seem so utterly disinterested in conducting that business?
This Is What Incompetence Looks Like
For better or worse, the media exists here in Buffalo. Often, they get the story wrong, but they get it right enough to make countering the concept of playing twenty-five percent of your home games in another fucking country with silence unthinkable. Slowly moving the team to Toronto? Nah we don’t have to comment. Fight between two drunk idiots caught on camera? WE NEED MORE SECURITY! He’s said the number one priority of the Bills is to cut down on rowdy behavior. I’m not sure if he knows that “win a super bowl” or “make the playoffs” possible options. This guy isn’t running an NFL franchise, he’s running a fucking Chuck-E-Cheese. He’s like Bill Veeck mixed with Buzz Killington.
On another point, I was concerned when WGR550 started covering the Bills that they would fail to ask the tough questions, or would at least refuse to ask follow-ups when they are called for. In a one sports talk town like Buffalo, we unfortunately have to rely on personalities that are partners with the team, rather than personalities that cover the team. And I’m not talking about criticism like “the defensive line didn’t get pressure,” or “Fitx needs to improve,” the shit that anyone with functioning brain synapses and a working television can discern for themselves. I mean shit like “hey the guy who has a weekly radio show with us is kind of an incompetent moron so I should press that.” We may not like it, but the business of the franchise is as big of an ongoing issue as the play that takes place on the field. Not pressing on the one guy in charge of the business practices is incompetent work by those radio personalities who call that their job.
(10) Clemson at (4) Florida State University- 8pm Saturday, ABC
I suppose we’ll find out in due time if the ACC still sucks and it starts here. If I had any hopes for this season, it would be with the number two ranking to be bounced around the country with a team that hasn’t made an appearance in the BCS championship grabbing the ring in the last weeks. This means fuck you LSU, and Oregon and their radioactive uniforms that we’re so sick of hearing about. It means Florida State, South Carolina, West Virginia, and yes, even teams like Clemson and Notre Dame. I’m already regretful that we don’t have the playoff this year because the race for those last two spots in the semifinals would be amazing to watch. Basically you know Oregon and Florida State aren’t holding onto the third and forth rankings all season; personally I think they very easily could both lose at home Saturday. For Clemson this is a true test. Expectations haven’t been this high in Greenville in a generation and toppling the Seminoles in their house would give them a bump that they could ride to an ACC championship. In case you haven’t noticed, this is my adopted team this season, or at least until 11pm Saturday night when their one loss has effectively taken them out of the national title picture. READ: The BCS still sucks.
And EA Sports, just because the system sucks doesn’t mean it has to hurt NCAA ’13, which I love even more than Madden. Couldn’t you give the player the option of having a tournament to end the season? I don’t watch a second of D1-AA football, but when they playoffs come and I see number 4 Montana taking on number 13 Sam Houston State in Missoula, I watch. Moreover, they should add all the D1-AA schools, because 112 teams is simply not enough.
(22) Arizona at (3) Oregon- 10:30pm Saturday, ESPN
I didn’t think I’d ever make it this far through my Dayquil haze but here I am! Anyways, the reason to cheer for Arizona here is to piss off every Michigan fan who did nothing but shit on RichRod during his time at the helm. Granted, he deserved some of it for taking a proud program and taking it to rock bottom, but he wasn’t a terrible coach. No one could take West Virginia to the precipice of a national championship if they weren’t. If this game wasn’t in Eugene, I’d probably lean towards making this an upset special, but alas it is not. I still think Oregon is going to lose this game- USC and Stanford are both on their schedule- but it won’t be this week. Regardless, what an end to a great slate of games, take this one in at a rowdy bar.
So that’s it for this week, I’ll be rooting for Boise State, South Carolina, Penn State, Clemson and Arizona. Michigan-Notre Dame makes me wish we still had ties. A couple final thoughts.
-First, either my tailgating posture is fucked up or I need to drop some lb’s cuz my picture with the deeg from Sunday is NOT flattering.
-Second, a big welcome to baby Barrister born Tuesday at 10:08pm. No confirmation yet on whether he was double fisting and smoking a corona at the time.
-Third, sorry I missed the podcast (which I still have to make a debut on) at the Ralph, I got caught up in a monster flip cup game at the Red Carpet Inn parking lot. By the way, Scizz was absolutely right by picking me to be the most drunk, I blew it out.
-Forth, I can’t believe I’m more concerned about this Bills game than I would be had they lost to Kansas City (maybe that isn’t true but it sure feels like it), but I am. Everyone needs to shut up about how shitty they are on the road. I get it, but it’s fucking BRANDON WEEDEN. Trent Richardson’s pending fantasy studliness aside, no way this happens. If it does, it’s time to freak the fuck out. Stay tuned for tomorrow’s NFL preview!
My pick: Bills 30 Browns 20
On another point, I was concerned when WGR550 started covering the Bills that they would fail to ask the tough questions, or would at least refuse to ask follow-ups when they are called for. In a one sports talk town like Buffalo, we unfortunately have to rely on personalities that are partners with the team, rather than personalities that cover the team. And I’m not talking about criticism like “the defensive line didn’t get pressure,” or “Fitx needs to improve,” the shit that anyone with functioning brain synapses and a working television can discern for themselves. I mean shit like “hey the guy who has a weekly radio show with us is kind of an incompetent moron so I should press that.” We may not like it, but the business of the franchise is as big of an ongoing issue as the play that takes place on the field. Not pressing on the one guy in charge of the business practices is incompetent work by those radio personalities who call that their job.
(10) Clemson at (4) Florida State University- 8pm Saturday, ABC
I suppose we’ll find out in due time if the ACC still sucks and it starts here. If I had any hopes for this season, it would be with the number two ranking to be bounced around the country with a team that hasn’t made an appearance in the BCS championship grabbing the ring in the last weeks. This means fuck you LSU, and Oregon and their radioactive uniforms that we’re so sick of hearing about. It means Florida State, South Carolina, West Virginia, and yes, even teams like Clemson and Notre Dame. I’m already regretful that we don’t have the playoff this year because the race for those last two spots in the semifinals would be amazing to watch. Basically you know Oregon and Florida State aren’t holding onto the third and forth rankings all season; personally I think they very easily could both lose at home Saturday. For Clemson this is a true test. Expectations haven’t been this high in Greenville in a generation and toppling the Seminoles in their house would give them a bump that they could ride to an ACC championship. In case you haven’t noticed, this is my adopted team this season, or at least until 11pm Saturday night when their one loss has effectively taken them out of the national title picture. READ: The BCS still sucks.
And EA Sports, just because the system sucks doesn’t mean it has to hurt NCAA ’13, which I love even more than Madden. Couldn’t you give the player the option of having a tournament to end the season? I don’t watch a second of D1-AA football, but when they playoffs come and I see number 4 Montana taking on number 13 Sam Houston State in Missoula, I watch. Moreover, they should add all the D1-AA schools, because 112 teams is simply not enough.
(22) Arizona at (3) Oregon- 10:30pm Saturday, ESPN
I didn’t think I’d ever make it this far through my Dayquil haze but here I am! Anyways, the reason to cheer for Arizona here is to piss off every Michigan fan who did nothing but shit on RichRod during his time at the helm. Granted, he deserved some of it for taking a proud program and taking it to rock bottom, but he wasn’t a terrible coach. No one could take West Virginia to the precipice of a national championship if they weren’t. If this game wasn’t in Eugene, I’d probably lean towards making this an upset special, but alas it is not. I still think Oregon is going to lose this game- USC and Stanford are both on their schedule- but it won’t be this week. Regardless, what an end to a great slate of games, take this one in at a rowdy bar.
So that’s it for this week, I’ll be rooting for Boise State, South Carolina, Penn State, Clemson and Arizona. Michigan-Notre Dame makes me wish we still had ties. A couple final thoughts.
-First, either my tailgating posture is fucked up or I need to drop some lb’s cuz my picture with the deeg from Sunday is NOT flattering.
-Second, a big welcome to baby Barrister born Tuesday at 10:08pm. No confirmation yet on whether he was double fisting and smoking a corona at the time.
-Third, sorry I missed the podcast (which I still have to make a debut on) at the Ralph, I got caught up in a monster flip cup game at the Red Carpet Inn parking lot. By the way, Scizz was absolutely right by picking me to be the most drunk, I blew it out.
-Forth, I can’t believe I’m more concerned about this Bills game than I would be had they lost to Kansas City (maybe that isn’t true but it sure feels like it), but I am. Everyone needs to shut up about how shitty they are on the road. I get it, but it’s fucking BRANDON WEEDEN. Trent Richardson’s pending fantasy studliness aside, no way this happens. If it does, it’s time to freak the fuck out. Stay tuned for tomorrow’s NFL preview!
My pick: Bills 30 Browns 20
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