Best weekend ever? Best weekend EVER.
Putting aside the epic restructuring of time and space by our Buffalo Bills on Sunday -- sending us into an alternate universe of happiness and dreams fulfilled, never quite oblivious to just how wrong all of it is, but never, of course, wanting it to end -- I am back to bring you another installment of the DGWU Fantasy Football recap. Our league, Tri-State Plus, was back at it again, and the slate of games gave us a host of stories. Which is saying something, since this is a league of fake football being managed by drunken idiots. Do you care? Am I at all affected by your near-certain disinterest? Will the Apologist ever win? No, No, Probably Not But Hopefully.
This gravy train continues after the jump...
Without a doubt, the first three weeks of DGWU's fantasy football have been marked by examples of patent unfairness in fake sport. The Yachtsman, continuing to live on the precipice of ultimate failure, has extended his unbeaten streak to 3, despite having the 8th most productive team in our 12 team league. Yachstman wears this, unsurprisingly, as a badge of honor. In an interview earlier today, El Yachtero was quick to point me to his three year reign as champion of this league, and warned of the potency of his team as soon as certain stars regained health.
To complete the picture of how utterly absurd Yachtsman's Week 3 win, by 23 points no less, we all need to consider his lineup this weekend:
Continuing the theme of unfairness, the Apologist's Yancey's Fancy cannot catch a break. After a heartbreaking shootout in Week 2 (see recap here), Aps continued his stellar impression of the 2010 Buffalo Bills (or really, any Bills season starting in "20-" and not ending in "11") by snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Going into the final minute of the Redskins-Cowboys game, Apologist looked to be finishing strong. Rex Grossman had done just enough to get the win for Aps. And then he fumbled the rock. We score fumbles as -2, so what would have been a 0.12 pt win turned into a .08 pt loss. This is like Gordon Bombay missing on the shootout, Lassie losing Timmy down a well, and Clint Eastwood pulling the plug on Hilary Swank, combined. Fucking tragic.
Statistical facts worth mentioning: Yachter's opponents have a combined record of 1-8 through three games. Apologist has faced teams with a combined record of 6-3. Yachter has the least points against, with 393.88, while Apologist has the most points against, with 509.48.
My team also narrowly avoided defeat with a small victory, as Bachmann's Cervix beat El Mas Guapo by only six. Tom Brady, four interceptions and all, still had a decent day, as did Mark Sanchez in his losing effort. (Bills are First in the AFC East! Woot!) Throw in an outstanding effort from Ahmad Bradshaw, and quiet games from Fred Davis, Matt Ryan, Frank Gore and Rashard Mendenhall on the other side of the ball, and I was lucky enough to remain 3-0.
That 3-0 record is now good for a return to 1st place, as the Scizz did his best Gianna Michaels impression by getting his ass spanked by a cool 62 POINTS.
Porn star humor. Embrace it.
Scizz's poor effort may have very well been a symptom of being distracted by his trip up to Western New York, where early reports are that he consumed upwards of 10 liters of Canadian beer (metric system!). Scizz's Hoboken Hurricanes were riddled by under-performance across the board, including the Chargers' Philip Rivers, whose thin receving corps against the Chiefs led to a single digit output for the day. Throw in the season-ending injury to Kenny Britt, and the Hurricanes may be looking a really tough few weeks as Scizz scrambles to regroup. On the other side of the ball, Grandpa Tim's AARP All Stars were PHENOMENAL. Huge days from Jermichael Finley, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Eli Manning, Denarius Moore and Darren McFadden were the keys to victory - indeed, those five players would have bested Scizz's 11 player team on their own. Yikes.
Scizz's loss drops him to 2-1, good for 4th place. The league rankings currently pan out as follows:
The top 2 spots remain in the able hands of DGWU members, with Grandpa Tim and Scizzer rounding out the top 4. Aps remains in the doldrums, though the silver lining, if any, is that he holds on to the "best of the worst" spot based on point differential.
Next week, I'll be back to recap an exciting Week 4. Bachmann's Cervix will be taking on the Hammering Hebrews XI (hilarious coital imagery!), Yancey's Fancy will match up with El Mas Guapo in a battle of the winless, Yachter will take on the DC Earthquakes, and Hoboken Hurrincanes will meet Crippling Back Pain. As fun as it is to make fun of Apologist week after week, I'm praying for him to break the losing streak. I wonder if our friendship can withstand a couple more weeks of me pissing on his fantasy hopes and dreams.
Unfortunately, while Yachter is up against a decent 2-1 team, don't look for his winning ways to end and for justice to return to the world of pathetic fake sports. Yachter's season point total is nearly 30 points more than DC Earthquakes', so all bets are on Yachter extending his streak to 4.
As for Hoboken Hurricanes, it's anyone's guess whether the remaining roster can pick up the slack following Britt's move to IR, though Fred Jackson's prospects look good against the porous Bengals' defense this weekend.
And, finally, Bachmann's Cervix - TEMPTING OF THE FANTASY GODS BE DAMNED STRAIGHT TO SPORTS HELL OR TO TORONTO, IF THERE'S ANY DIFFERENCE (burn!) - will move to 4-0 and retain the league's #1 spot. Because, just like my mamma and my creepy 10th grade English teacher told me, I'M THE BEST.