Well that was unexpected. I mean of course I picked Buffalo to win last week, and of course this year has felt very different with all the changes to the organization, but a dismantling one of the top teams in the AFC never seemed plausible to me. Wow. Just wow.
But haven’t we been here before? As Barrister pointed out in his recap earlier this week, every year the Bills start with a big win we get excited. 2011 and 2014 all started out the same way. Hell, even 2013’s opening loss at home gave some of us hope. So is this year truly different? Is this the year the Bills get over the hump and make the playoffs? Or will I be writing this same week two opener next year (the answer to that is no as I’ll be sick of writing these previews by week 5, phoning it in until week 8, and then finally just deleting the Barrister’s number from my phone altogether).
The best part is that this week we can at least sit back and take in an easy win at home against the….wait what’s that? The Bills play who? MOTHERFUCKER!
Of course it has to be the Pats. Here to crush my dreams and inch me closer and closer to actually stalking Tom Brady and attacking him with a rusty butter knife.
BUT THEN AGAIN, maybe this is a blessing? The Bills off a huge win get Tom Brady and the Pats in week two, nice and early in the season to see what this team is really made of. If they win, we can all stay hopeful, if they lose (or in most Bills/Pats scenarios lose BAD), we can all come back down to Earth a little and realize there is still a ways to go. Either way the hype is real and I can’t wait for it to be Sunday. Here we go……
2. The Linebackers! – Obviously the play of our front four and the depth behind them is going to be fantastic. And as you look around the Bills blogosphere much was said about the performance of Gilmore & Darby (who I’ll talk about later), so naturally I’ll go for the group I’ve seen the least written about. When the Bills traded Kiko, I was fine with it for the most part, but still very nervous. After Sunday, I’m feeling a lot better. Preston Brown and Nigel Bradham both looked phenomenal. In fact Bradham needs to be the next guy the Bills lock up long term as I honestly think he’s becoming a star in this defense. Both these guys, as well as Manny Lawson, need to have big games against the Pats running attack, who usually goes with a no name running back that has torched the Bills for countless yards over the last 10 years. I’m excited to see how they play.
3. Dan the Money Man! – Maybe this is silly, but I was excited to see Dan Carpenter back and looking like his old self. Whether Rex Ryan’s shit talking was just a ploy to get Dan back on track or not, it seems to have worked. Granted there are 15 games left and plenty of time to fuck it all up, but Carpenter has really become one of those guys that just feels like a Bill for the rest of his career, and I hope I’m not wrong.
Also, fuck Rian Lindell forever.
Three things I’m terrified about:
2. Gronk. – Who is going to cover Gronk? I’m not. I don’t think Aaron Williams can as much as he thinks he will. A semi-concussed Corey Graham? Manny Lawson even? I just know the only person I’d truly be happy with covering Gronk is the Orchard Park Coroner with a sheet. Too much? Yeah? Ah screw you it’s a blog.
3. CHEATING. – You know they will somehow. My money is on Darryl Talley getting a steady stream of deposits in his account from the Pats and him filming the Bills sideline the whole game. Or maybe something with robots. Robots are scary and can’t be trusted.
Drink of the week: The Bloody Mary
Fantasy Football Diamond in the rough and Fugazi of the week:
In a new feature for the previews, my buddy Dane aka Speedz Keyno (check his great podcast at http://triplephat.podomatic.com/entry/2015-09-15T20_43_30-07_00) will feature some fantasy football takes, well, let's have him explain:
Diamonds in the Rough are guys who have warts and may not be expected to produce all season, but who have a favorable matchup or gameflow this week... Sometimes ya got to dig for it!
Fugazis? What's a fugazi? It looks nice and shiny - like something you want to spend some money on... But it's a fake, a fraud. You buy that, you're a real dunceski.
Hey Scizz - So you like that Sankey call huh? I was gonna include Tyrod Taylor as a diamond last week but didn’t want to look like I was pandering to your audience. Still had him (along with Sankey) in my DFS lineups that cashed in. Ride with these guys to go from your DFS league straight to the tax man this week!
Diamond in the rough 1 – Donte Moncrief. So I know the Colts offense defecated the mattress last Sunday in Orchard Park, but one takeaway for me was that Luck likes the ‘Crief! Yes, the Jets have a good secondary, but Cromartie is out (and didn’t look like a pro-bowler anyway) and in a game that T.Y. Hilton may miss with a knee it means Andre Johnson is most likely to be stranded on Revis Island Monday night. That leaves Moncrief as the “Next man up” after getting 11 targets to Phillip Dorsett’s 3, and a diamond in the rough for week 2.
8 Rec, 97 yards, TD
Diamond in the rough 2 – Jason Witten. This one comes down to sticking with what you know. The Dallas offense may be “Dezed and Confused” until week 8 or later, so Tony will turn to hands he trusts – No Romo. Witten had 60 yards and 2 TD’s on 9 targets and I expect him to see more looks in what shapes up to be another fast-paced and high-scoring game in Philly. Get him in your lineup.
8 Rec, 76 Yards, TD
Fugazi 1 – Odell Beckham Jr. The madden curse will continue in the home opener vs. the Falcons. You gotta hear how Eli Manning is getting killed after leaving too much time on the clock Sunday night, and it might unravel quickly for the G-Men. Atlanta’s defense looks much improved under Dan Quinn, and ODB may not be able to Shimmy shimmy ya after getting banged in the head. He may like it Raw but the hype train is moving too far and too fast for the production to keep up. Spend your money elsewhere in daily leagues, I recommend starting Julio or Antonio Brown – Safer elite WR1’s.
5 Rec, 64 Yards
Fugazi 2 – Tyler Eifert. Classic overreaction after week 1. I’ve got 30 props that says we’ve already seen Eifert’s best game of the season. Plus, if you believe Andy Dalton will keep a 74% completion percentage you may be the type to buy fugazi’s anyway. And they don’t play Oakland every week, right? Eifert is still a quality start at TE, but don’t expect the Gronk-ian stat line this week.
6 Rec, 68 Yards
Every week I will give this award to a player who was unceremoniously cut from the Bills, and while most people with a basic high school education couldn’t care less, a few insane fans lost their shit over it. This week’s award goes to…..
In other news, Outlander found that guy! Or, more accurately, that guy found Outlander and emailed him an inappropriate yet hilariously revealing account of his journey last Sunday!
Dear Buffalo Penthouse Forum:
So I wake up Sunday morning, still drunk from a night of butt chugging with my boys and trying to finger chicks on the dance floor in Niagara Falls, typical 20-year old shenanigans. Except it’s BILLS OPENER SUNDAY yo! So I put on my face paint- same style my Dad wore when I tagged along and he was calling Ken O’Brien a faggot for four hours- toss on my Freddie Jackson knockoff jersey (like a sandwich artist’s salary can afford the extra twenty bucks for a real one) and tried and true ZUBAZ. It wasn’t until I was halfway to Joe’s car with a case of Busch heavy (CAMO CANS) in one arm and fireball in the other that it struck me: I had forgotten to wear underwear. Little did I know that oversight would change my life forever.
After several hours of harmless tailgating such funneling beers, public urination and threatening children in Colts gear, we headed into the stadium and took our seats. I noticed there was a girl next to me and immediately didn’t like her date, boyfriend, whoever. He kept talking about college and using queer words like “unequivocally” or “diaspora,” like this jackoff is better than me right! Plus he had on a McCoy jersey and FUCK THAT CLOWN TAKING FREDDIE’S JOB TRUMP 2016.
So this jagoff goes off to grab an import beer or whatever pussy ass shit they drink and I don’t think much of it; my face is so flush from the fireball it matches the red facepaint, the defense is shutting them down, I don’t even notice my hand, numb from the rain and the beer I’d been holding, had landed on this skank’s leg. I don’t even know how long it was there but once I noticed, it struck me I hadn’t heard anything I usually do when I touch someone’s leg such as “get the fuck off me creep,” or “I’m calling security,” or “I don’t care if we’re drunk I’m your cousin,” so I decided to keep in there.
And then she grabs me by the wiener. I shit you not, that was her move! Maybe if I had been wearing my under armor boxer briefs she wouldn’t have gotten through so easily and man, thank goodness for September games! So she starts jerking me off right there and I gotta say, good thing zubaz are pattered to give the illusion of movement because man were they moving- at least as much as stroking a monster five-inch cock can move.
Since I’m twenty and banged two chicks in my life (but one was like, eleven times bro), it didn’t matter that I’d had eight beers, a flask of fireball, half a tin of Skoal Bandits AND a Camel Crush before the game, a dry handjob in fifty degree weather gets me off in less than three minutes. I don’t know where this girl learned her technique and JK may have carried the flag out but she was the one LEADING THE CHARGE.
So just as my zubaz are CRUSHED by my own semen Boatshoes McCoy gets back with his feminine beers. I’m not sure what the girl did about her hand, I refused to look over because I was trying to decide on the proper space for the Stars and Bars flag I picked up last week HERITAGE NOT HATE BRO. I answered her Craiglist ad so I’m really hoping for another handjob, hopefully we can meet up in the Depew High parking lot between getting out of work and my night job of telling girls online they should make me a sandwich. Someone told me once that’s ironic but I don’t know that shit, I ain’t some queer dictionary or shit. HEY AY AY AY.
After ordering the WWE network last summer to keep myself occupied during my off weeks from work, it has now taken me down a giant wormhole of professional wrestling that has me listening to not one, but TWO wrestling podcasts every week, watching random streams of Japanese wrestling, and also going to my first live indie wrestling show in Queens a couple of weeks ago. I’m sure as I resume work this obsession will die down, but for now I thought this would be fun.
The Young Bucks: The current NJPW junior tag team champs, PWG tag team champs, and former ROH tag champs may be the greatest tag team to never set foot in a WWE ring. And there is a really solid chance they never will because of their refusal to change their style. Matt Jackson and Chris……. Have been dominating the independent circuit and Japan for the last several years, and although I heard about them a couple years ago, I didn’t really start to seek out their matches until this Spring. And OH EM GEE these guys are incredible. Not in your particular funny well choreographed WWE type of way, but more of the Christ almighty they are flying all over the place and doing moves I never thought possible type of way. Their chemistry and willingness to take crazy risks put them a step above anybody I’ve seen since the Hardy Boyz first showed up on my TV screen in high school. They also are just EPICLY amazing heels. As a member of the hated Bullet Club in Japan and ROH, and as new members of Mount Rushmore 2.0 in PWG, they so easily can get a crowd to hate them it makes Sgt. Slaughter circa Iraq War look like Daniel Bryan. Plus for my wrestling nerds out there, one of their finishers is called the Meltzer Driver. Brilliant.
That’s right! Because nobody demanded it, El Greasico is back with obscene tirades against Buffalo sports, the media, and even us. Nobody is safe. This season, I will be sending a topic to the greasy one and ask for his response. What follows is his unedited response. Please forgive me, but he begged, and honestly I’m terrified of him. I apologize for anything written from here on out. God Speed!
This week’s topic is the return of Marcel Dareus….
It's el mini Greasico. So, it looks like my 53-5 prediction was off a hair. This is what happens when you do cocaine prior to leaving a voicemail for Scizzballs. But I learned my lesson this week and just decided to smoke some crack instead.
Speaking of drugs, how many kilos of cocaine can Darcell Dareus buy with his new contract? Fuck that fake shit he was smoking last year, because now he can get primo weed from Barfister's guy and maybe hire some Mexican vigilantes to take on the local media known as the KKK.
So, I only watch football in Mexico and not that bullshit European team called Liverwurst that Barfister and Factsman watch and circle jerk about, but even I can tell you that #99 is worth the $$$. Especially since all these NFL owners are republicans who rob the city to pay for stadiums, they can afford to buy top talent. Yet, this one guy named Sullivain or some stupid Irish prick name, hates this dude. If you are an opposing offense, you got #99 problems with #99 and his contract shouldn't be one.
Except people are racists. People who write for a cheap local paper that I use to roll my joints with need to shit all over the black man who is going to make more money than all the shitty newspapers in this country will make this year. People who run out on lap dances because they can't afford them (Buffalo wins guy and Barfister) are jealous that Dareus doesn't have to spend money to get laid. This Sullicrab fucker even told #99 that he didn't really care about his previous problems with dealing with death in the family and used his own experiences to show how great of a man Sullishit is with dealing with adversary.
Here's my fucking take: Maybe your own family hated you and couldn't wait to get away from you because they didn't like you eating at the dinner table with a white hood on.
How about this gem about Dareus being soft.. Yeah...He's soft cause he speaks softly and doesnt bring a lunchpale to work like Chris Kelsay did.
I am sorry that black man is making more money and has a bigger dick than this fucking, Irish bitchtits prick.
Prediction: Bills win, 26-4 and #99 does a Yokozuna splash on Sullitits and Tom Braidsy
Band Playlist of the week:
Another new segment! In year’s past I have given suggestions for songs to listen on commutes or when you are getting fired up for the Bills on Sunday. This year I’ve decided to dedicate each of my Sunday mornings to one band that will get the call. First pick:
RUSH! Rush is awesome. I can listen to Tom Sawyer on repeat and never get tired of it. With the exception of when Getty Lee miraculously thought he could rap, I’ll take almost anything these guys have to offer on shuffle as I run around my apartment Sunday AM. Also, Neil Pert’s role in the Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie remains one of my favorite things I have ever seen on a movie screen. And yes, that was the highest I had ever been.
I’m a pussy. Patriots 31 – Bills 20.
All that shit I wrote for nothing. PROVE ME WRONG, REX!