Followers of the Deeg! It's that special time of year where we start incrementally caring about American Catch-and-Run Ball and our Buffalo Bills. Having flown in an expert to deal with the nitty gritty cogs of the Bills Draft Machine earlier this week, it's now time for what DGWU Sports does best: drinking.
Sure, smarter followers of football would just take the night off and allow the theater of Draft night to continue without their notice, to ignore the picks until the morning after when they can see their team's choices in aggregate and without the douchebaggery. But, I tend to enjoy the actual process - even if the media's coverage is a laughable caricature of American entertainment - because it's a day where there isn't any real risk that I'll leave disppointed, since the actual, on-field results of the process won't be known for several months (or years, really).
Of course, don't get me wrong. There are plenty of things about the draft that infuriate me (and have infuriated me during the last couple weeks of build-up), which is why a Draft Drinking Game is an absolute necessity. Do you honestly think I can last a whole night chatting with The Scizz without some form of organized and competitive imbibing? I'm falling asleep from boredom just thinking about it.
My plan, then, is to keep myself busy with a drinking game tonight (created with no small amount of help and inspiration from some of my more hilarious friends on the Tweet-Machine) as I enjoy the New York City Buffalo Bills Backers Draft Party at McFadden's Saloon tonight. If you're in the City tonight, you should really consider checking it out.
So.... without further ado, and my preface to the S.S. Disaster having been sufficiently over-written, I give you ---
The DGWU Sports Draft Day Drinking Game
Preparation: Find yourself some Canadian beer. Something with relatively low alcohol content (so, no Molson XXX. Disappointing, I know) that will keep you from dying over the course of the night. Why Canadian beer? Because we're from Buffalo and we love to display our affinity for America's Hat so long as hockey season is over and we're allowed to think Toronto is "alright" again. My understanding is that McFadden's will have Molson and/or Labatt on tap, so I should be all set. Coors Light can also suffice in a pinch, but only if the meter on the side indicates that it's SUPER COLD. Anything less is a fucking disappointment.
Now, on to the rules:
2. The Tears of Heaven Rule: We'll limit this rule to just crying players. In other words, weeping mothers, coaches or teenage Tebow fans will be excluded. So, if a player cries when he's drafted, drink once. (another s/o to @MattyRenn)
***Wild Card Mark Ingram Addendum: Finish beer if crying happens as a result of email from player's incarcerated father. If you can't or don't want to finish, you may opt out of rule by standing on the bar and singing first verse and chorus of "Tears of Heaven." Anyone who cries at your rendition must buy you a shot.
3. The Chris Berman Rule: If we hear "nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills" from Berman, finish your drink, stuff a fistful of french fries in your mouth and get up on the bar to do the Truffle Shuffle. There's no way this can end badly. (inspired by the Scizz...)
4. The Upside of Drinking Rule: As if there was ever a downside to drinking, a very simple rule from the Scizz -
Drink once every time we hear about a player's "upside" or "potential."
5. The Good Touch, Bad Touch Rule: This is all @MattyRenn - when an analyst says something homoerotic about a player, say something homoerotic about a buddy and drink. With Scizz and me hanging out tonight, this was bound to happen anyway, so I would add that you each have to drink with arms intertwined. It's a lot more intimate that way and shows the world that you and your best bud have a love that will last forever.
7. The Idiot Jets Fan Rule: Every year, Radio City is filled with knuckle-dragging Jets fans who have decided that their purpose in life is to make their shit-for-brains opinions known on national TV. As if the country wasn't already aware that this fan base has essentially been scraped from the bottom of the barrel of American Catch-and-Run Ball consumers, the fans at Radio City annually reaffirm our shared recognition that the Jets are the absolute fucking worst. Add in the weird emotional dynamics of the pro- and anti-Tebow camps, and we have a recipe for disaster. Drink once every time Jets fans inexplicably boo another team's pick. (s/o to @davekellywny for the inspiration of this one). Drink twice every time the camera pans to Jets fans and you can count more than two with food stains on their jerseys. Drink three times if a Jets fan is caught on camera taking a drunken nap.
8. The Bengals Rule: Speaking of fucking degenerates, it's well-documented that the Cincinnati Bengals are the league's poster boys for criminal behavior. Luckily for everyone, this draft has more than it's fair share of potential fuck-ups to rival the fuck-ups in orange and black. In their honor, any time the off-the-field criminal behavior of any draft prospect is being discussed, finish your beer, find someone at the bar with cocaine, punch him in the face, steal his coke and tell the kid to make better decisions next time. Dare to say no, children.
9. The Entourage Rule: Scizz suggested "drink once for every member of a draftee's entourage." I'm down with that one, but suggest that it be doubled in the event your own entrourage for the evening is bigger. As my mom always says, go big or go home.
10. The Mel Kiper Rule: Part of me is tempted to just have this rule be to drink every time Kiper is on the screen, since there is simply too much funny shit about that dude. Realizing that will have me drunk by about 7:15 (as if that were really an issue), We'll thus limit it -- Drink 3 every time Kiper mentions a player's "red flags." Drink 1 every time a Kiper prediction is wrong. (s/o to @BonerShorts)
***John Clayton Addendum: Any time Clayton makes an incorrect prediction, drink twice, take off your head and start singing songs from Labyrinth.
***Heartbreaker Addendum: If an AFC East team takes a guy who was linked to the Bills as a prospect, drown your sorrows and take a shot of Crown Royal.
12. The Leodis McKelvin Rule: Ahhh, Leodis. Harbinger of failure and dropper of balls. We love you. We hate you. But, mostly, we loathe being reminded of where we picked you. Ugh. Every time you are reminded of Leodis being picked 11th in 2008, whether by an analyst or some dickhead at the bar, finish your beer and smash the bottle/glass/can on your forehead. Don't you feel better? No? Wash, rinse, repeat.