Enter the Douche-Nozzle.
Hi everybody! I normally don't like to write for these basement dwelling nerd blogs, but since my services were no longer needed at my old job at WHAM 1180, I figured a blog called "Dear God, Why Us?" would be a good spot for me. I mean seriously, why us?? And of course by "us" I mean middle class white guys from the suburbs who just want this country to be the great, racially divided and hate-filled place it once was! Our fore-fathers would be disgusted at the way we give diverse cultures the opportunity to succeed. Where are my opportunities, huh? Since I got fired the only calls I received were from the Niagara Falls Reporter and some guy calling himself Schmerry Schmullivan.
Now of course, writing for this blog I was told that I have to use a nom de plume, which is BULLSHIT! I ain't using no Frenchie name to write about MY country! Luckily the boys at the blog were nice enough to compromise and let me use an alias. I wanted to use "The Liberator" or "The Victim", but was informed that "The Douche-Nozzle" better suited me and my brave views of the sports world. I have no idea what it means but I'm trusting them because after all, they're white.
Anyway, as some of you may know I have recently been fired from my job for writing this post about Asian golfers in the LPGA. First of all, it is an utter disgrace that a man like me, who obviously has no athletic ability or real discernible skills whatsoever is not allowed to judge people solely on their race and/or culture. Don't you people understand the Constitution?? How about FREEDOM OF SPEECH? No, really. I'm asking you because I have no clue. I haven't been this confused with big words since James Patterson's last novel. (And on side-note, why the hell did they cast that cross-dressing guy from those black movies as Alex Cross?!? I always pictured him as a strong, wholesome male actor with real values, like Mel Gibson. See what Hollywood is doing to America?!)
Since I have this platform, I'd like to take the opportunity to do two things; first, answer some of the questions my dear readers asked me after the article that I have not had the chance to answer, and second, to bring up a few other things that I find to be presently disturbing in the sports world. We all have a voice, but I'll start with yours!
Did you really grow up as a child watching THAT much LPGA?
Yes! Yes I did! You see, at a very young age I was taught to focus on the true American sports that hadn't been invaded by foreigners. Think about how hockey, cricket, and rugby have been corrupted by outsiders! What a shame! This left me no choice but to focus on women's golf. God knows I wasn't going to watch men's golf with names like Chi-Chi and Ballesteros out there. Also, I had no friends. I should probably mention that.
You said you are a bit culturally-racist. What's the difference between racist and culturally racist?
This one is quite simple actually. Racist means you hate somebody because of their skin color. Culturally-racist means you hate them because of their skin color AND everything else about them. See the difference?
Did I see that you mentioned that you once also wrote about how being a gay athlete is no big deal?
I sure did! It's not big deal at all. I mean I'm a straight, talent-less man who has only had sex I've paid for, and you don't see me going around and holding press conferences, do you? No, sir, I have pride!
And now onto some other complaints I want to file with the sports world. First off, what's up with all this soccer popularity in the U.S.? GROSS! If I want to watch a bunch of men run around, kicking a ball I'll go down to the park and watch those dirty hipsters play sacky-sack or whatever it's called! Soccer should stay in the Communist countries where it belongs and out of my country of freedom!
Second, did I notice there is a "Juan Pablo" now driving in NASCAR? You have got to be kidding me! NASCAR was created for the sole-purpose of giving the south a sport to root for that couldn't be invaded by foreigners! Everyone knows NASCAR is what started all car racing and is currently the most watched IN THE WORLD, so why do we have to cater to foreign markets that don't have any decent racing of their own?? Leave NASCAR to the great people of the south!
And finally, I know everybody is with me when I say how utterly disappointed I am in the Bills organization for not making the move to sign one, Mr. Tim Tebow. What is wrong with this new front office??? This is obviously a perfect example of the new reverse-racism we are going to see from new GM, Doug Whaley. Tebow is all this organization needs to turn it around, and instead they spend time signing guys named Da'Rick and Kiko! UGH! At least Buddy Nix had the sense while he was around to cut Ed Wang. Yikes!
Thanks for reading everybody! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to drive to Korea town in my car and furiously masturbate in a dark alley!
This is satire, dummy. Barrister made me mention this at the end, but if you didn't get it until now, please never return to this website.